Re: Scared...

[Guest guest]

ec-

Thanks for the reply. I was getting teary eyed at the end where you

said that I needed to know and love myself before I could ask someone

else to know and love me. That's so true. I am trying to know and

love myself, but I definitely think a good therapist will help with

that. I am trying to find a therapist who knows about BPD, but I

haven't yet. I've been thinking about seeing my old therapist in the

meantime, just because this anxiety is bearing down on me pretty

badly.

Thanks for reminding me that we'll both change, regardless of

marriage. I guess I had forgotten about that! We've already changed

so much in the time we've been together, and nothing bad has happened

yet.

And you're absolutely right that you can't live your life based on

what-ifs. I don't want to turn into a bitter person just because I

was scared to be happy.

To sum it up, thank you for the advice.Your words helped me to calm

down and take a much needed step-back.

Neko Jaimie

> >

> > This is from my online blog. It just poured out of my head. I re-

> read

> > it, and thought maybe I could get some useful input here.

> >

> > A little background: I'm engaged to be married in June. My nada

is

> > not invited, however, my grannada and suspected BPD aunt are.

This

> is

> > really long. Sorry about that.

> >

> > So....

> >

> > Past couple of days.... I don't know....

> >

> > I think I don't wanna get married. I think I'm scared to.

> >

> > Don't get me wrong. I love J more than I (and probably anybody

who

> > knows me well at all) ever thought possible. I do want to marry

> him.

> > I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't honestly

> > think of anything I want more, truthfully.

> >

> > But getting married is scary to me. Nobody I know who is (or was)

> > married is (or was) as happy as they were before they got

married.

> >

> > Honestly, I'm wondering what marriage changes exactly. I mean,

> you're

> > the same people, right? One of your names changes, and actually

> that

> > happens less and less often. I mean... Does the love fail? Does

it

> > change and mutate into something painful and undesireable after

> > marriage? Does it die? Is it all the stress that goes along with

> this

> > new experience? Cuz... It shouldn't be like that.

> >

> > Marriage is a sacred institution between two human beings

> > demonstrating love, trust, respect and a desire to care for them

> for

> > all time. Right? Or did I miss something? Because that's not

> always

> > how it is. In fact, that seems to be RARELY how it is. My mom

> married

> > my sibling's dad after *brother* was born, and they were together

> > some eight years. Granted, I was very young, and my memories are

> > probably very sketchy, but it seems to me he's much happier now

> than

> > he was then. Course, it's my MOM we're talking about, not a

normal

> > human being, but still...

> >

> > My family. My grandparents are married. They're not happy. At

> least,

> > not all the time. Not like me and J are now. My aunt and uncle

> have

> > four kids and they're not happy. Not so much as I can tell.

> >

> > Is it all going to be different? Are those two little words

spoken

> > out of a desire to love, honor, and respect for all eternity

going

> to

> > ruin this perfect thing I have? Because, if it is, I don't want

> it.

> > I'd rather just stay engaged for the rest of my life than ruin

> what I

> > have.

> >

> > I'm not the greatest person in the world. I am by no means

> perfect. I

> > have my fair share in the pain and agony this world is

> collectively

> > in right now. But, it seems to me, that since everyone deserves

> > Happy, I do, too. And it also seems to me, that when you find

> Happy,

> > and are smart enough and lucky enough to keep it, you don't f***

> with

> > it. You watch it carefully, almost paranoidly, to make sure that

> > nothing ever threatens it. You don't throw it out in front of the

> > proverbial train.

> >

> > Is that what marriage is? A train? One you can't hardly board

> because

> > you're too busy getting your legs cut off by it? Are all the

> > ceremonies and traditions just smoke and mirrors put up to make

> you

> > think you're doing sometyhing wonderful and fabulous and life

> > affirming... when you're really tightening your own noose?

> >

> > Metaphors are my friends. They express my fears so grandly, so

> > eloquently. Two things I'm generally not. Grand and eloquent. My

> > words are poetic, my thoughts are spastic and my body is about 56

> > years out of date.

> >

> > Why is it so scary? I don't generally fear change, not when I so

> > crave the symbolism behind the change. Maybe that's it. Maybe all

> I

> > really wanted was symbolism and theories. I'm significantly more

> > comfortable with the intangible than I am with the concrete. One

> of

> > my personality failings.

> >

> > I'm also a bit afraid that my family will mess it up FOR me. I

> don't

> > want that, not just cuz it'd be my day they'd ruin, but it's J's,

> > too. And I damn well know that if I'm upset, he'll be upset.

> Neither

> > of us should be upset.

> >

> > I think I'm a bit afraid that I'm secretly a monster to be

> compared

> > with... certain other females. Think Medusa. A Siren. I'm not

> > convinced that I'm not an evil, manipulative, abusive...

creature.

> > And I'm definitely not convinced that getting married isn't going

> to

> > be the trigger for my " true self " .

> >

> > God. If you ever get diagnosed with BPD, don't f***ing have kids!

> >

> > That's not fair. It's not all her fault. I'm sure of it. No

person

> > has that kind of influence over another's personality. Course, I

> > don't know how it works in a " normal " family.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

> >

> > Neko Jaimie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia-

Thanks for your reply. It was very helpful.

My fiance agrees with my perspective of marriage. In fact, when I

brought this up with him, he was very certain that nothing would

change because we love each other the way we are now.

I'm very sorry that your ex husband and ex fiance thought that way,

and I'm very glad you were able to see things for how they were

beforehand. Your story has given me a few questions to ask myself and

my fiance before we get married.

As far as him being the root of my fears, he isn't. Honestly, I'm

worried that I'M going to mess it up, because I've never been serious

about a relationship before. I've had a lot of really great

boyfriends in the past, and they all loved me as best they could, but

my heart just wasn't in it. But, this time feels different, and I

want it to work for once.

So far, our plan for when problems come up is very open comunication.

And it's worked, when I remember it. He has absolutely no problem

telling me what's on his mind (though it's rarely anything negative)

and he is a very good listener. I just have to remember that it's

safe to talk. I'm not used to people listening to me, so I have a

hard ome believing he really does. I guess that's something I should

talk to a therapist about, too, along with all the points maryec had!

SO, thank you for your advice and your reply. It truly has helped.

Neko Jaimie

> >

> > This is from my online blog. It just poured out of my head. I re-

> read

> > it, and thought maybe I could get some useful input here.

> >

> > A little background: I'm engaged to be married in June. My nada

is

> > not invited, however, my grannada and suspected BPD aunt are.

This

> is

> > really long. Sorry about that.

> >

> > So....

> >

> > Past couple of days.... I don't know....

> >

> > I think I don't wanna get married. I think I'm scared to.

> >

> > Don't get me wrong. I love J more than I (and probably anybody

who

> > knows me well at all) ever thought possible. I do want to marry

> him.

> > I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't honestly

> > think of anything I want more, truthfully.

> >

> > But getting married is scary to me. Nobody I know who is (or was)

> > married is (or was) as happy as they were before they got

married.

> >

> > Honestly, I'm wondering what marriage changes exactly. I mean,

> you're

> > the same people, right? One of your names changes, and actually

> that

> > happens less and less often. I mean... Does the love fail? Does

it

> > change and mutate into something painful and undesireable after

> > marriage? Does it die? Is it all the stress that goes along with

> this

> > new experience? Cuz... It shouldn't be like that.

> >

> > Marriage is a sacred institution between two human beings

> > demonstrating love, trust, respect and a desire to care for them

> for

> > all time. Right? Or did I miss something? Because that's not

> always

> > how it is. In fact, that seems to be RARELY how it is. My mom

> married

> > my sibling's dad after *brother* was born, and they were together

> > some eight years. Granted, I was very young, and my memories are

> > probably very sketchy, but it seems to me he's much happier now

> than

> > he was then. Course, it's my MOM we're talking about, not a

normal

> > human being, but still...

> >

> > My family. My grandparents are married. They're not happy. At

> least,

> > not all the time. Not like me and J are now. My aunt and uncle

> have

> > four kids and they're not happy. Not so much as I can tell.

> >

> > Is it all going to be different? Are those two little words

spoken

> > out of a desire to love, honor, and respect for all eternity

going

> to

> > ruin this perfect thing I have? Because, if it is, I don't want

> it.

> > I'd rather just stay engaged for the rest of my life than ruin

> what I

> > have.

> >

> > I'm not the greatest person in the world. I am by no means

> perfect. I

> > have my fair share in the pain and agony this world is

> collectively

> > in right now. But, it seems to me, that since everyone deserves

> > Happy, I do, too. And it also seems to me, that when you find

> Happy,

> > and are smart enough and lucky enough to keep it, you don't f***

> with

> > it. You watch it carefully, almost paranoidly, to make sure that

> > nothing ever threatens it. You don't throw it out in front of the

> > proverbial train.

> >

> > Is that what marriage is? A train? One you can't hardly board

> because

> > you're too busy getting your legs cut off by it? Are all the

> > ceremonies and traditions just smoke and mirrors put up to make

> you

> > think you're doing sometyhing wonderful and fabulous and life

> > affirming... when you're really tightening your own noose?

> >

> > Metaphors are my friends. They express my fears so grandly, so

> > eloquently. Two things I'm generally not. Grand and eloquent. My

> > words are poetic, my thoughts are spastic and my body is about 56

> > years out of date.

> >

> > Why is it so scary? I don't generally fear change, not when I so

> > crave the symbolism behind the change. Maybe that's it. Maybe all

> I

> > really wanted was symbolism and theories. I'm significantly more

> > comfortable with the intangible than I am with the concrete. One

> of

> > my personality failings.

> >

> > I'm also a bit afraid that my family will mess it up FOR me. I

> don't

> > want that, not just cuz it'd be my day they'd ruin, but it's J's,

> > too. And I damn well know that if I'm upset, he'll be upset.

> Neither

> > of us should be upset.

> >

> > I think I'm a bit afraid that I'm secretly a monster to be

> compared

> > with... certain other females. Think Medusa. A Siren. I'm not

> > convinced that I'm not an evil, manipulative, abusive...

creature.

> > And I'm definitely not convinced that getting married isn't going

> to

> > be the trigger for my " true self " .

> >

> > God. If you ever get diagnosed with BPD, don't f***ing have kids!

> >

> > That's not fair. It's not all her fault. I'm sure of it. No

person

> > has that kind of influence over another's personality. Course, I

> > don't know how it works in a " normal " family.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

> >

> > Neko Jaimie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've been married 2.5 years. I knew my husband off/on as a friend

(mostly) for 5 years prior to us getting engaged.

I also have friends that seem unhappily married. I don't always take

them at their word thou because they are more apt to complain than

share the good times. In my experience, nobody really wants to listen

to someone go on about how much they love their spouse, how well they

get along, how happy they are. Friends commiserate over shared

complaints.

That being said I think there are 2 keys to a happy marriage as far as

I've seen/experienced. The first is being able to work together and

communicate; marriage is work. Dating you do fun stuff together on

weekends; married you do laundry together. The best test of how well

a relationship will do is how you react under stress; you are a team,

and you need to pull together in the same direction, or else you'll

just pull apart. Not that good couples don't fight, they just

prioritize what's worth fighting over and how much they are willing to

compromise.

The second key I think is expectations. If you go into a marriage

expecting it to be wonderful, if you expect your spouce to be

different, perfect, etc., or your expectations are about your own

actions after marriage, you'll just wind up highly dissapointed and

frustrated. Again; it's a lot of work. Things don't maggically get

better or easier when you're married. You hope for the best, prepare

for the worst, and live a life that's most likely in-between.

I was scared to tell my family when I got engaged, and my husband and

I did wind up getting married in Vegas because my Fada tried to take

over our attempt at a " normal " wedding. (If you get married always

remember; the wedding is yours, for you two. You are not obligated to

make anyone else happy, and you are not obligated to accept gifts from

anyone resentful if you didn't spend thousands and throw them a party.)

Marriage isn't a train or a life-sentence. It's a car ride. You're

not stuck in any tracks, but it's up to the two of you to pick your

direction together, when to stop to re-fuel, when to get out and look

at the scenery, etc. There are just as many fights about stopping for

directions on the road as in a marriage. You gotta talk about where

you're headed, or the person driving will just assume you're ok with

where they want to go. Either you both agree you're driving together

to New York City, or one of you will be very unhappy and resentful.

And if they're determined to go to NYC, you can either support them,

get out of the car and let them go, or you can sit in the car and

complain the whole time since you're too afraid to be left at a

rest-stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. Perhaps you can compromise and

after the trip to NYC they'll take you up to the mountains, even if

they don't want to go, just to make you feel better... It's

remembering where you've been, why you were there, and how to go back

now and then.

You may have some baggage with you, but often things get lost on the

road, and you don't always miss it. I think you'd like the drive,

even if you get a little claustrophobic now and then, if you have the

right person by your side, you really can go anywhere together.

>

> This is from my online blog. It just poured out of my head. I re-read

> it, and thought maybe I could get some useful input here.

>

> A little background: I'm engaged to be married in June. My nada is

> not invited, however, my grannada and suspected BPD aunt are. This is

> really long. Sorry about that.

>

> So....

>

> Past couple of days.... I don't know....

>

> I think I don't wanna get married. I think I'm scared to.

>

> Don't get me wrong. I love J more than I (and probably anybody who

> knows me well at all) ever thought possible. I do want to marry him.

> I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't honestly

> think of anything I want more, truthfully.

>

> But getting married is scary to me. Nobody I know who is (or was)

> married is (or was) as happy as they were before they got married.

>

> Honestly, I'm wondering what marriage changes exactly. I mean, you're

> the same people, right? One of your names changes, and actually that

> happens less and less often. I mean... Does the love fail? Does it

> change and mutate into something painful and undesireable after

> marriage? Does it die? Is it all the stress that goes along with this

> new experience? Cuz... It shouldn't be like that.

>

> Marriage is a sacred institution between two human beings

> demonstrating love, trust, respect and a desire to care for them for

> all time. Right? Or did I miss something? Because that's not always

> how it is. In fact, that seems to be RARELY how it is. My mom married

> my sibling's dad after *brother* was born, and they were together

> some eight years. Granted, I was very young, and my memories are

> probably very sketchy, but it seems to me he's much happier now than

> he was then. Course, it's my MOM we're talking about, not a normal

> human being, but still...

>

> My family. My grandparents are married. They're not happy. At least,

> not all the time. Not like me and J are now. My aunt and uncle have

> four kids and they're not happy. Not so much as I can tell.

>

> Is it all going to be different? Are those two little words spoken

> out of a desire to love, honor, and respect for all eternity going to

> ruin this perfect thing I have? Because, if it is, I don't want it.

> I'd rather just stay engaged for the rest of my life than ruin what I

> have.

>

> I'm not the greatest person in the world. I am by no means perfect. I

> have my fair share in the pain and agony this world is collectively

> in right now. But, it seems to me, that since everyone deserves

> Happy, I do, too. And it also seems to me, that when you find Happy,

> and are smart enough and lucky enough to keep it, you don't f*** with

> it. You watch it carefully, almost paranoidly, to make sure that

> nothing ever threatens it. You don't throw it out in front of the

> proverbial train.

>

> Is that what marriage is? A train? One you can't hardly board because

> you're too busy getting your legs cut off by it? Are all the

> ceremonies and traditions just smoke and mirrors put up to make you

> think you're doing sometyhing wonderful and fabulous and life

> affirming... when you're really tightening your own noose?

>

> Metaphors are my friends. They express my fears so grandly, so

> eloquently. Two things I'm generally not. Grand and eloquent. My

> words are poetic, my thoughts are spastic and my body is about 56

> years out of date.

>

> Why is it so scary? I don't generally fear change, not when I so

> crave the symbolism behind the change. Maybe that's it. Maybe all I

> really wanted was symbolism and theories. I'm significantly more

> comfortable with the intangible than I am with the concrete. One of

> my personality failings.

>

> I'm also a bit afraid that my family will mess it up FOR me. I don't

> want that, not just cuz it'd be my day they'd ruin, but it's J's,

> too. And I damn well know that if I'm upset, he'll be upset. Neither

> of us should be upset.

>

> I think I'm a bit afraid that I'm secretly a monster to be compared

> with... certain other females. Think Medusa. A Siren. I'm not

> convinced that I'm not an evil, manipulative, abusive... creature.

> And I'm definitely not convinced that getting married isn't going to

> be the trigger for my " true self " .

>

> God. If you ever get diagnosed with BPD, don't f***ing have kids!

>

> That's not fair. It's not all her fault. I'm sure of it. No person

> has that kind of influence over another's personality. Course, I

> don't know how it works in a " normal " family.

>

>

> Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

>

> Neko Jaimie

>