advice? helping high school KO.....

[Guest guest]

I haven't been around a lot lately - busy with kids and working on some things

just for me.

I've gotten in a situation that is really stressful and I'm not sure how to

handle it. I

thought some of you might be able to give me some ideas. I'm trying to help a

young girl

whose mother has serious issues, and is behaving more and more like bpd. It may

be

serious fleas combined with some other big issues, but a lot of the patterns are

there.

Basically I became friends with someone a few years ago and became close to her

children,

especially her teenage daughter. After about two years, the friends life began

to unravel

and I realized that a lot of what she had seemed to be was a mask. Her husband

was an

abusive psycho, she lost her job and started showing more and more signs of some

serious issues. I helped the family as much as I could as she kicked him out.

I helped the

teenage daughter arrange a place to stay until he was gone, as he really scared

her.

Everyone involved agreed that she should not be in the home until he was gone.

We

moved away soon after that. I didn't hear from them much, but was busy with the

move

and thought the mother was busy at her new job etc. Eventually she admitted

that she

had quit her job and let him sleep on the couch in exchange for him paying the

bills so

she could get a part time job. The daughter assured me she was ok, and her

friend's

mother was doing her best to keep an eye on her.

Well, in a nutshell she let the psycho move back in to pay the rent so she could

work part

time and the daughter has been alone in the car with him every morning because

her

mother will not get up to drive her to school. The mother is portraying the

daughter as a

" troubled adolescent " and wanted me to talk to her. The kid poured her heart

out to me

and I was stunned. I knew the mother's behavior had gotten more and more

erratic - her

emails alone show a definite cycling of some sort (and she hasn't been on any

meds in

about 2 years)- but evidently she rages at the daughter all the time, punched a

hole in the

wall recently, trashed the daughters room when she didn't come home immediately

etc.

And this has gone on for the girls whole life. I got the daughter back over to

the friends

and with pressure all the way around the mother kicked out the now ex husband.

But she

cycles between being ok with her daughter needing a break at her friends, and

raging at

her. The friend's mother has witnessed this and even been raged at herself

once.

So this week the mother tells her one night it is fine if she stays, then calls

the next

morning in a rage and goes and gets her. The daughter called me crying

hysterically as

she waited to be " retrieved " and I tried to help her. I suggested she try to

remain calm and

not fuel the fire. I went over all the trusted adults she could call if she

needed to and

emphasized that her situation was not hopeless - that she was old enough to make

choices about her own life. The mother called me and raged for over 2 hours.

She would

go from sheer primal rage, mostly directed at her daughter, to calm and

seemingly

collected, but the focus the entire time was on how much she has sacrificed for

her

daughter, and how dare her daughter try to break up the family. How dare the

one she

has been abused and sacrificed for turn around and abuse her..... etc. The

worst part -

I'm sure her daughter heard it all. Heck, the entire apartment building heard

it all. No one

has suggested that the daughter move out permanently, but the mother says that

if she

goes, she can't come back and " PICK HER UP TONIGHT! JUST DO IT!!!!! " etc. The

daughter

is forced to call the friend's mother and apologize for " taking advantage of her

hospitality "

and even calls from school the next day and tells her she is " fine " and has

" exaggerated

everything " - I think in an effort to keep her from coming over and sending the

mother

into another rage.

My ubpd/apd nada was a whole different breed of mental illness, and I am not

sure what

to tell this poor kid. So I thought some of you with situations closer to hers

might have

some suggestions. She is very insightful and has said things like " I am tired

of taking care

of my mother and my brothers. I want to just take care of me for once. " And

has told me

that she has planned to escape at 18 since she was about 6 years old. She had

therapy

with a very good T a few years ago but her mother refuses to let her go to any

form of

therapy and says she should " suck it up " . What would have helped you as a teen?

What

would you have liked to hear from a trusted adult? Should I push her to go to

the friends?

Should I try to use my influence over the mother to facilitate it? I'm not sure

if I have been

painted black or not as evidently she sometimes doesn't remember these episodes.

The

friend's mother is pretty much at the point where if the daughter wants to leave

she will

make it happen even if she has to call the authorities. And quite frankly I

don't think she

will have to as the mother tends to backdown when pushed by another adult. Any

and all

suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I know I am in over my head on this

one, and I

would have distanced myself a lot further as soon as I saw that the mother was

unraveling

and not willing to get help, but I really care about these kids. The brothers

are not treated

like the daughter, and do have trusted adults in their lives. I have been

encouraging that

for several years. I don't think the mother is enmeshed with them in the same

way.

My head is still spinning from the raging over the phone a few days ago and I am

38 years

old with pretty good boundaries and a lot of life experience. I can't imagine

what it would

be like to be her daughter standing in front of her when she goes off like

that....... My

heart aches for them both as I have seen what the mother could be but she seems

to

create chaos and consciously or not fulfill her own worst nightmares at every

turn. I know

I am not responsible for the mother, and am not going to be drawn into the chaos

she

chooses, but the daughter - she hasn't had a choice in any of this so I would

like to do

what I can for her.

Thanks so much!

Fresabird