Re: Getting past the past... now what? advice welcome

[Guest guest]

hi B,

i just want you to know that we probably all experience this in one

form or another. i agree with what one person said on here and that is

to not be so hard on yourself. it's okay. it's a struggle and

something that unfortunately has manifested due to years of abuse and

is entirely not your fault.

i understand the need for control. i did it with cleaning and

organization and as an adult have developed some OCD traits as a

result. yours manifested with food. i also understand the feeling of

getting to a point where you feel good and then get scared and retreat

back to old patterns - ah! it's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

firstly, i think you have to find a happy medium. i would advise

against what my therapist calls " all-or-nothing thinking " in which it

seems that you're setting up two sides for yourself - either

completely taking care of yourself and feeling good, or going off the

deep end in food and feeling crappy. try to give yourself some space

for both...it's okay to have some sugar from time to time. it's okay

to have a pepsi while taking care of yourself. you can do BOTH. be

gentle with yourself.

know that as KO's we have a big tendency to fall back on old patterns

because they are familiar. i also have a problem with getting too

happy because if i did it when i was younger, nada would get too upset

and competitive. i learned to play down my happiness a lot because i

knew she would destroy it if i was. honey, remind yourself that it's

okay to be happy.

it's okay to be happy. be gentle with yourself. that's my advice.

much love to you...

-christine

>

> Hi, B! It's funny because, as soon as I found this board last

summer -- and really started to recognize and accept my nada's illness

-- the very first thing I did was decide it was also time to finally

address my weight/health issues!

>

> For me, it was mostly about recognizing that, because my nada had

neglected many of my basic-care needs when I was growing up, I felt

unworthy of good treatment now. Eating right, exercising, showering,

having nice clothes -- these were all things I was now neglecting

myself. I felt guilty and selfish for making my health and appearance

a priority (wonder why!)

>

> So, I made this a priority and it's really worked out great -- in

the 8 months I've been doing this, I've dropped 5 sizes, work out most

mornings, and committed to a healthier eating program that's do-able

for me. I read a lot of books and kind of made up my own program

combining the elements from all of them that worked for me (I called

it the " diagnosing your nada diet. " ) The books that really helped me

-- that deal a lot with emotional eating -- were the Bob Greene books,

a book called " Body Clutter " and the Dr. Phil books. These programs

are all pretty similar, with an emphasis on health and working through

emotional issues -- and using food to medicate yourself.

>

> Anyhow, hope this helps -- and congratulations for taking this on!

>

> Shana

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Getting past the past... now what?

advice welcome

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > I have a theory of my own about many of us. We hold ourselves

> > back,

> > afraid to live life fully. Every time I would get happy, nada

> > would

> > be there: " who do you think you are? " " You're just selfish to

> > want

> > to leave me while you go do your things. " etc. blah blah.

> >

> > Well, now I am 41 years old. I have developed some very bad

> > habits

> > that I can not entirely blame on my mother, but they have roots

> > in

> > my childhood. Here is my " stumbling block, " and I welcome all

> > advice/perspectives.

> >

> > I use food/sugar as a drug. It calms me when I am anxious, for

> > whatever reason. The problem is: I've reached an age where my

> > weight is creeping steadily upward and my blood pressure

> > recently

> > began being a big problem: I've missed work, three, four days

> > at a

> > time. Every time, I mean EVERY time I have got my weight under

> > control, and drink lots of water like I'm supposed to, and get

> > off

> > my sugar addiction, I start to lose weight, and feel better,

> > and

> > then start to feel excited about life again. I start to get new

> > ideas, things I want to do. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I

> > get

> > scared. ANxiety sets in, and I start sneaking bits of sugar

> > here, a

> > Pepsi there, before too long my old addictions are back. My

> > addiction happens to be sugar, but for my health and family

> > history

> > of heart disease I may as well have a crack addiction: as it is

> > just

> > as unhealthy for me.

> >

> > My question is this: Why do I feel scared to be happy? If its'

> > a

> > long-held habit of being afraid to be happy, I have to get over

> > it,

> > and take responsibility. I will get my therapist to help me,

> > but

> > I'm not entirely sure she understands the fear I'm talking

> > about. I

> > also have sexual abuse in my background, and the weight I carry

> > makes me feel more secure, for some reason, or many reasons.

> > When

> > I'm bigger, (I weigh 220 pounds, and should be under 175 to be

> > in

> > normal range) I feel calmer in my calm moods but have no energy,

> > of

> > course. So the cycle continues. I've even thought maybe I'm

> > bipolar, as my moods/thoughts have a definite cycle to them.

> >

> > Elation, health, good choices, confidence... wonderful ideas of

> > how

> > to create, etc. then after about four to six weeks, I get

> > scared.

> > Very scared, and feeling very vulnerable. So I start self-

> > medicating with soft drinks mostly. I do'nt like baked goods,

> > or

> > bread, or pasta or any of those types of carbs. I do like

> > sugary

> > pop, though, and a few odd things like pop tarts, and some

> > cereals

> > that I go overboard on. After doing this awhile I start to

> > think:

> > Oh, its okay to be heavy, it goes along with being older, and

> > then I

> > get inactive, and then, feel like crap, then use MORE

> > caffeine/sugar

> > on a regular basis, stop drinking water entirely because I'm

> > just

> > out of my good senses, (no alcohol) and generally let myself go.

> >

> > This last time, I got a kidney infection, could not walk, got

> > dizzy

> > and clumsy, my blood pressure started fluctuating and couldn't

> > remember stuff, having bad judgement about what to say and not say...

> >

> > Generally a mess. So does anyone see anything in this cycle

> > that

> > says where I start to decline? I've done this over and over,

> > for

> > about fifteen years. My weight goes from 189, where I start to

> > feel a lot better, to 215 or so. I can't seem to get past the

> > 180

> > mark, until I start to feel vulnerable again. I used to have

> > such a

> > cute figure, but I can't stand it when I start to lose weight

> > and

> > people notice. I don't want them to notice!!!!Is this wierd??

> > My

> > nada was very obsessed with my weight, got mad when I gained

> > what

> > she considered to be too much weight with my first daughter. I

> > lost

> > it quickly though. My second pregnancy was very difficult, I

> > had

> > severe preeclampsia and had to stay in bed for five weeks, so I

> > really gained the weight, even though I hardly ate anything.

> > She

> > stopped giving me a hard time about my weight after she realized

> > I

> > couldn't exercise with second pregnancy.

> >

> > I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for my own habits

> > and

> > for being accountable for my choices. Why do I feel so scared

> > when

> > I start to feel good? What is that about? Am I just crazy, too?

> >

> > Any advice or perspective is welcome. I have a very thick skin

> > and

> > can handle it.

> >

> > B.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

B.

I feel for you.

I was just talkin with DH this weekend about how, as a child, I use

to pray to God that I would gladly give up the good feelings and

surprises if he could help take away the downs. I wanted emotional

stability that I didn't have with my BP mom. Somehow, once I moved

out of the house adn the environment, I was able to see life for all

it's wonder and good things and be generally happy. Our nadas need

to bring us down in order to control us, they can't understand

happiness and it frightens them.

Many people have offered good thoughts here. One thing that I could

recommend is Tappas Emotional Release Therapy. I did it and it was

amazing for me. I think you can google on it and find info. My

acupuncturist did it with me when I was going through my NC with the

FOO and it was phenomenal. It involves holding a few acupress

points and repeating some affirmations to help shift your beliefs

around an emotional trauma. I did it on fear with my FOO and my 2.5

weeks worth of stomach knots spent 30 mins in the treatment

gurgling, unkinking and relaxing. I haven't felt that level of

fearfulness with them since! Perhaps you could do a treatment

around self-sabbotage with weight issues.

Best wishes to you,

a

[Guest guest]

I am! I think my issues with chaos reigning in my home stemmed from Nada

being a rediculous control freak. Nothing was right, but, of course, she never

bothered to *teach* us how to do things right, just kinda threw us to the

wind and then got furious when it wasn't up to her standards. When I got out

on my own, I was so overwhelmed and had *no* idea where to start, and I stayed

like that for nearly 5 years. Finally, when I had my first baby, DH and I

had had enough, and I went looking for help. Flylady works for me pretty

well, as long as I stick to it. I need the routine and schedule, and it's nice

that I have a bunch of groups like this one to offer support.

Kristi

In a message dated 2/26/2007 8:17:15 PM Eastern Standard Time,

taralynn_60@... writes:

Sakura, I want to get Body Clutter too! I wonder how many KOs are also

flybabies...

(For any who have no idea what I just said, check out www.flylady.(For

Tara

<BR><BR><BR>**************************************<BR> AOL now offers free

email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL at

http://www.aol.com.

[Guest guest]

Sakura, I want to get Body Clutter too! I wonder how many KOs are also

flybabies...

(For any who have no idea what I just said, check out www.flylady.net.)

Tara

Sakura wrote:

B--

No, you're not crazy. I've struggled with my weight for many years

on that crazy yo-yo. My fada was fixated on my weight for as long as

I can remember. I think it was a projection of his anger at his

overweight BP nada. The first time I took off most of the weight in

my twenties and was looking really good, my fada still was picking

out areas of my body that weren't up to par in his eyes. Legs too

heavy, stomach still too poochy. That's when I realized that I would

never be skinny enough for daddy's taste until I was dead and

decomposing, and maybe not then either.

I've yo-yoed on and off for years. I seem to get to a certain point

where my goal is within sight and then I get triggered and start

cheating...then it's on to the full-fledged binging that goes on for

months. I can eat way beyond what the ordinary mortal can put away.

A part of me says that I should accept myself as an overweight person

and learn to live with what looks at me back from the mirror.

Another part of me is profoundly ashamed of my excesses. I think I'm

scared of success...not just with my weight either. And like you,

when I lose weight I feel profoundly uncomfortable with the attention

it generates. If only I could go to a desert island to lose the

weight and come back with a different name/identity so that no one

who knows me could comment. I've always had a hard time taking

compliments...it feels so fake, like if only they knew the real me,

they'd never say those things. And I hate it when men see me looking

trim and start making overtures. Talk about some f*ing big fleas.

Jeez, I feel like bawling...just when I think I'm over my childhood...

Anyhow, I just moved a week ago and find myself in a smaller city

that I've always loved. It seems like good healthy food is abundant

everywhere...so I feel ready to try again to eat to improve my

health. I've been reading " Body Clutter " and trying to incorporate

healthier choices in my life. My SO is very supportive and

encourages me to accompany him on walks, which now feels safe to do

(I was attacked a little over a year ago by a mugger while walking,

so I stopped doing even that). I keep telling myself that I'm in a

happier place and that I deserve to be happy and I also deserve to be

able to get out of bed without limping every morning. This is a

fresh start for me. I don't have any answers, I don't know how

helpful this can possibly be to you other than comfort in knowing

that you're not alone and not crazy. We deserve to give ourselves

excellent care, the kind we didn't get when we were kids. Lather,

rinse, repeat.

Cheers,

Sakura

>

> I have a theory of my own about many of us. We hold ourselves

back,

> afraid to live life fully. Every time I would get happy, nada

would

> be there: " who do you think you are? " " You're just selfish to

want

> to leave me while you go do your things. " etc. blah blah.

>

> Well, now I am 41 years old. I have developed some very bad habits

> that I can not entirely blame on my mother, but they have roots in

> my childhood. Here is my " stumbling block, " and I welcome all

> advice/perspectives.

>

> I use food/sugar as a drug. It calms me when I am anxious, for

> whatever reason. The problem is: I've reached an age where my

> weight is creeping steadily upward and my blood pressure recently

> began being a big problem: I've missed work, three, four days at a

> time. Every time, I mean EVERY time I have got my weight under

> control, and drink lots of water like I'm supposed to, and get off

> my sugar addiction, I start to lose weight, and feel better, and

> then start to feel excited about life again. I start to get new

> ideas, things I want to do. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I get

> scared. ANxiety sets in, and I start sneaking bits of sugar here,

a

> Pepsi there, before too long my old addictions are back. My

> addiction happens to be sugar, but for my health and family history

> of heart disease I may as well have a crack addiction: as it is

just

> as unhealthy for me.

>

> My question is this: Why do I feel scared to be happy? If its' a

> long-held habit of being afraid to be happy, I have to get over it,

> and take responsibility. I will get my therapist to help me, but

> I'm not entirely sure she understands the fear I'm talking about.

I

> also have sexual abuse in my background, and the weight I carry

> makes me feel more secure, for some reason, or many reasons. When

> I'm bigger, (I weigh 220 pounds, and should be under 175 to be in

> normal range) I feel calmer in my calm moods but have no energy, of

> course. So the cycle continues. I've even thought maybe I'm

> bipolar, as my moods/thoughts have a definite cycle to them.

>

> Elation, health, good choices, confidence... wonderful ideas of how

> to create, etc. then after about four to six weeks, I get scared.

> Very scared, and feeling very vulnerable. So I start self-

> medicating with soft drinks mostly. I do'nt like baked goods, or

> bread, or pasta or any of those types of carbs. I do like sugary

> pop, though, and a few odd things like pop tarts, and some cereals

> that I go overboard on. After doing this awhile I start to think:

> Oh, its okay to be heavy, it goes along with being older, and then

I

> get inactive, and then, feel like crap, then use MORE

caffeine/sugar

> on a regular basis, stop drinking water entirely because I'm just

> out of my good senses, (no alcohol) and generally let myself go.

> This last time, I got a kidney infection, could not walk, got dizzy

> and clumsy, my blood pressure started fluctuating and couldn't

> remember stuff, having bad judgement about what to say and not

say...

>

> Generally a mess. So does anyone see anything in this cycle that

> says where I start to decline? I've done this over and over, for

> about fifteen years. My weight goes from 189, where I start to

> feel a lot better, to 215 or so. I can't seem to get past the 180

> mark, until I start to feel vulnerable again. I used to have such

a

> cute figure, but I can't stand it when I start to lose weight and

> people notice. I don't want them to notice!!!!Is this wierd?? My

> nada was very obsessed with my weight, got mad when I gained what

> she considered to be too much weight with my first daughter. I

lost

> it quickly though. My second pregnancy was very difficult, I had

> severe preeclampsia and had to stay in bed for five weeks, so I

> really gained the weight, even though I hardly ate anything. She

> stopped giving me a hard time about my weight after she realized I

> couldn't exercise with second pregnancy.

>

> I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for my own habits and

> for being accountable for my choices. Why do I feel so scared

when

> I start to feel good? What is that about? Am I just crazy, too?

>

> Any advice or perspective is welcome. I have a very thick skin and

> can handle it.

>

> B.

>

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

I used to feel that way. Sometimes I still do, but never as

strongly as I used to. What I figured out for me was that I was

uncomfortable being happy because I was still internalizing my

nada's criticisms of people who were happy. She taught me that the

only way I could (maybe) get her love, was if I was unhappy, needy,

sick. If I was happy, I was really a threat to her, because she was

so unhappy. It wasn't safe to be happy around nada. At the least,

nada made fun of other people's happiness, making it sound like they

were simple minded to be so happy. At the worst, nada withdrew her

love. I also knew, without consciously being aware, that if I

became happy, I would lose nada. And that was something that took

me a very long time to figure out. Having nada in my life, and

being happy were two things that could not occur simultaneously.

So, for so many years, I unconsciously chose nada and gave up

anything that would bring me happiness.

Can you consciously chose other rewards/comforting things for

yourself? It may have to be ritualistic at first. Something that

you can do repeatedly to replace the sugar fix. Are there simple

pleasures that you deny yourself? For instance, I might chose to

buy an expensive, scented hand cream, and on a daily basis make sure

I use it in my evening 'ritual', as an indication of taking care of

myself and self-love. You are probably getting comfort from the

sugary drinks, so you need to find something else that you accept as

providing equal comfort.

When you are starting to feel good, and losing weight, that might be

a good time to increase your self-parenting. Praise yourself, not

only for the accomplishment, but for the fact that the

accomplishment was such a struggle to ovecome your default coping

mechanisms. And when you are praising yourself, do it lavishly.

You need to overcome all the years where you did not get the praise

you deserved.

I still similar problems that I am working on.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I have a theory of my own about many of us. We hold ourselves

back,

> afraid to live life fully. Every time I would get happy, nada

would

> be there: " who do you think you are? " " You're just selfish to

want

> to leave me while you go do your things. " etc. blah blah.

>

> Well, now I am 41 years old. I have developed some very bad

habits

> that I can not entirely blame on my mother, but they have roots in

> my childhood. Here is my " stumbling block, " and I welcome all

> advice/perspectives.

>

> I use food/sugar as a drug. It calms me when I am anxious, for

> whatever reason. The problem is: I've reached an age where my

> weight is creeping steadily upward and my blood pressure recently

> began being a big problem: I've missed work, three, four days at

a

> time. Every time, I mean EVERY time I have got my weight under

> control, and drink lots of water like I'm supposed to, and get off

> my sugar addiction, I start to lose weight, and feel better, and

> then start to feel excited about life again. I start to get new

> ideas, things I want to do. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I get

> scared. ANxiety sets in, and I start sneaking bits of sugar here,

a

> Pepsi there, before too long my old addictions are back. My

> addiction happens to be sugar, but for my health and family

history

> of heart disease I may as well have a crack addiction: as it is

just

> as unhealthy for me.

>

> My question is this: Why do I feel scared to be happy? If its' a

> long-held habit of being afraid to be happy, I have to get over

it,

> and take responsibility. I will get my therapist to help me, but

> I'm not entirely sure she understands the fear I'm talking about.

I

> also have sexual abuse in my background, and the weight I carry

> makes me feel more secure, for some reason, or many reasons. When

> I'm bigger, (I weigh 220 pounds, and should be under 175 to be in

> normal range) I feel calmer in my calm moods but have no energy,

of

> course. So the cycle continues. I've even thought maybe I'm

> bipolar, as my moods/thoughts have a definite cycle to them.

>

> Elation, health, good choices, confidence... wonderful ideas of

how

> to create, etc. then after about four to six weeks, I get

scared.

> Very scared, and feeling very vulnerable. So I start self-

> medicating with soft drinks mostly. I do'nt like baked goods, or

> bread, or pasta or any of those types of carbs. I do like sugary

> pop, though, and a few odd things like pop tarts, and some cereals

> that I go overboard on. After doing this awhile I start to

think:

> Oh, its okay to be heavy, it goes along with being older, and then

I

> get inactive, and then, feel like crap, then use MORE

caffeine/sugar

> on a regular basis, stop drinking water entirely because I'm just

> out of my good senses, (no alcohol) and generally let myself go.

> This last time, I got a kidney infection, could not walk, got

dizzy

> and clumsy, my blood pressure started fluctuating and couldn't

> remember stuff, having bad judgement about what to say and not

say...

>

> Generally a mess. So does anyone see anything in this cycle that

> says where I start to decline? I've done this over and over, for

> about fifteen years. My weight goes from 189, where I start to

> feel a lot better, to 215 or so. I can't seem to get past the 180

> mark, until I start to feel vulnerable again. I used to have such

a

> cute figure, but I can't stand it when I start to lose weight and

> people notice. I don't want them to notice!!!!Is this wierd?? My

> nada was very obsessed with my weight, got mad when I gained what

> she considered to be too much weight with my first daughter. I

lost

> it quickly though. My second pregnancy was very difficult, I had

> severe preeclampsia and had to stay in bed for five weeks, so I

> really gained the weight, even though I hardly ate anything. She

> stopped giving me a hard time about my weight after she realized I

> couldn't exercise with second pregnancy.

>

> I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for my own habits and

> for being accountable for my choices. Why do I feel so scared

when

> I start to feel good? What is that about? Am I just crazy, too?

>

> Any advice or perspective is welcome. I have a very thick skin

and

> can handle it.

>

> B.

>

[Guest guest]

B. this book has been helping me a lot. Adult Children from Abusive Parents.

blessings and dolly hugs, V.

Getting past the past... now what? advice welcome

I have a theory of my own about many of us. We hold ourselves back,

afraid to live life fully. Every time I would get happy, nada would

be there: " who do you think you are? " " You're just selfish to want

to leave me while you go do your things. " etc. blah blah.

Well, now I am 41 years old. I have developed some very bad habits

that I can not entirely blame on my mother, but they have roots in

my childhood. Here is my " stumbling block, " and I welcome all

advice/perspectives.

I use food/sugar as a drug. It calms me when I am anxious, for

whatever reason. The problem is: I've reached an age where my

weight is creeping steadily upward and my blood pressure recently

began being a big problem: I've missed work, three, four days at a

time. Every time, I mean EVERY time I have got my weight under

control, and drink lots of water like I'm supposed to, and get off

my sugar addiction, I start to lose weight, and feel better, and

then start to feel excited about life again. I start to get new

ideas, things I want to do. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I get

scared. ANxiety sets in, and I start sneaking bits of sugar here, a

Pepsi there, before too long my old addictions are back. My

addiction happens to be sugar, but for my health and family history

of heart disease I may as well have a crack addiction: as it is just

as unhealthy for me.

My question is this: Why do I feel scared to be happy? If its' a

long-held habit of being afraid to be happy, I have to get over it,

and take responsibility. I will get my therapist to help me, but

I'm not entirely sure she understands the fear I'm talking about. I

also have sexual abuse in my background, and the weight I carry

makes me feel more secure, for some reason, or many reasons. When

I'm bigger, (I weigh 220 pounds, and should be under 175 to be in

normal range) I feel calmer in my calm moods but have no energy, of

course. So the cycle continues. I've even thought maybe I'm

bipolar, as my moods/thoughts have a definite cycle to them.

Elation, health, good choices, confidence... wonderful ideas of how

to create, etc. then after about four to six weeks, I get scared.

Very scared, and feeling very vulnerable. So I start self-

medicating with soft drinks mostly. I do'nt like baked goods, or

bread, or pasta or any of those types of carbs. I do like sugary

pop, though, and a few odd things like pop tarts, and some cereals

that I go overboard on. After doing this awhile I start to think:

Oh, its okay to be heavy, it goes along with being older, and then I

get inactive, and then, feel like crap, then use MORE caffeine/sugar

on a regular basis, stop drinking water entirely because I'm just

out of my good senses, (no alcohol) and generally let myself go.

This last time, I got a kidney infection, could not walk, got dizzy

and clumsy, my blood pressure started fluctuating and couldn't

remember stuff, having bad judgement about what to say and not say...

Generally a mess. So does anyone see anything in this cycle that

says where I start to decline? I've done this over and over, for

about fifteen years. My weight goes from 189, where I start to

feel a lot better, to 215 or so. I can't seem to get past the 180

mark, until I start to feel vulnerable again. I used to have such a

cute figure, but I can't stand it when I start to lose weight and

people notice. I don't want them to notice!!!!Is this wierd?? My

nada was very obsessed with my weight, got mad when I gained what

she considered to be too much weight with my first daughter. I lost

it quickly though. My second pregnancy was very difficult, I had

severe preeclampsia and had to stay in bed for five weeks, so I

really gained the weight, even though I hardly ate anything. She

stopped giving me a hard time about my weight after she realized I

couldn't exercise with second pregnancy.

I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for my own habits and

for being accountable for my choices. Why do I feel so scared when

I start to feel good? What is that about? Am I just crazy, too?

Any advice or perspective is welcome. I have a very thick skin and

can handle it.

B.

[Guest guest]

I completely understand the sugar addiction. I truly believe that

addiction in whatever form- drugs, alcohol, food, gambling etc. is a

symptom of the problem and not the problem itself.

I have used food for many years as a way to comfort myself- I think

it's the most common and acceptable addiction out there.

My nada was anorexic and very controlling over what I ate . I

remember stealing candy from the store and bingeing on it while

hiding from her. She also used to buy food and hide it from me

telling me it was for my own good. All of her food issues got

transferred on to me. I was about 20 lbs. overweight and all of her

comments on my weight and eating made me worse- I became more

secretive about my eating and the bingeing got worse.

Like I said, the eating was a symptom for me. I was shutting down,

numbing out when I was bingeing, trying to find a way to escape the

pain.

I still have a tendency to do this, but it's not nearly as bad now

and I force myself to be open about it- I no longer hide the

evidence from when I eat junkfood. (I used to always bury it under

other trash, eat in secret, etc).

What helped for me was giving myself permission to eat whatever I

wanted- no more deprivation. Someone else touched on this- the " all

or nothing " way of thinking. I was always either " good " or " bad "

with my eating. Gee, I only wonder where we get the all or nothing

thinking from-LOL...

I read a book that helped- Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating- I

can't remember author, but its message was about balance and not

depriving yourself.

Diets don't work for anyone, look at Oprah and how many times she has

said if there's a magic pill she would have found it by now.

I think for us, KO's, the eating or whatever other addiction, is

about numbing the pain.

When I hit 30, my metabolism changed and I became thin for the first

time since I was 11. Weird, but I have always struggled with weight

and now I don't have to as much, but I still turn to food for comfort.

I have been able to maintain my weight by doing what I started

calling the 75/25 plan. I eat healthy probably 75% of the time and

eat what I want the other 25%. If I want chocolate or Mc's I

have it because if I don't I know I will binge on it later and it's

better to eat a little of something unhealthy than a lot.

This way has worked for me and it gets me out of all or nothing

thinking- I used to feel if I ate a cookie than I may as well eat the

whole box because I had already ruined my diet for the day. Now if I

eat 5 cookies, I don't panic and binge- I move on.

I drink a lot of water and exercise 4-5 days per week. It took me so

long to learn how to take care of myself because I was never allowed

to- nada's needs came first. I now realize I have to take

responsibility for me- I believe the philosophy " strong body, strong

mind " .

Anyway, sorry this is so long- I am always too long winded on these

posts! I hope this helps, don't be so hard on yourself- treat

yourself like you would a friend- don't beat yourself up.

> >

> > I have a theory of my own about many of us. We hold ourselves

> back,

> > afraid to live life fully. Every time I would get happy, nada

> would

> > be there: " who do you think you are? " " You're just selfish to

> want

> > to leave me while you go do your things. " etc. blah blah.

> >

> > Well, now I am 41 years old. I have developed some very bad

> habits

> > that I can not entirely blame on my mother, but they have roots

in

> > my childhood. Here is my " stumbling block, " and I welcome all

> > advice/perspectives.

> >

> > I use food/sugar as a drug. It calms me when I am anxious, for

> > whatever reason. The problem is: I've reached an age where my

> > weight is creeping steadily upward and my blood pressure recently

> > began being a big problem: I've missed work, three, four days at

> a

> > time. Every time, I mean EVERY time I have got my weight under

> > control, and drink lots of water like I'm supposed to, and get

off

> > my sugar addiction, I start to lose weight, and feel better, and

> > then start to feel excited about life again. I start to get new

> > ideas, things I want to do. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I

get

> > scared. ANxiety sets in, and I start sneaking bits of sugar

here,

> a

> > Pepsi there, before too long my old addictions are back. My

> > addiction happens to be sugar, but for my health and family

> history

> > of heart disease I may as well have a crack addiction: as it is

> just

> > as unhealthy for me.

> >

> > My question is this: Why do I feel scared to be happy? If its'

a

> > long-held habit of being afraid to be happy, I have to get over

> it,

> > and take responsibility. I will get my therapist to help me,

but

> > I'm not entirely sure she understands the fear I'm talking

about.

> I

> > also have sexual abuse in my background, and the weight I carry

> > makes me feel more secure, for some reason, or many reasons.

When

> > I'm bigger, (I weigh 220 pounds, and should be under 175 to be in

> > normal range) I feel calmer in my calm moods but have no energy,

> of

> > course. So the cycle continues. I've even thought maybe I'm

> > bipolar, as my moods/thoughts have a definite cycle to them.

> >

> > Elation, health, good choices, confidence... wonderful ideas of

> how

> > to create, etc. then after about four to six weeks, I get

> scared.

> > Very scared, and feeling very vulnerable. So I start self-

> > medicating with soft drinks mostly. I do'nt like baked goods, or

> > bread, or pasta or any of those types of carbs. I do like sugary

> > pop, though, and a few odd things like pop tarts, and some

cereals

> > that I go overboard on. After doing this awhile I start to

> think:

> > Oh, its okay to be heavy, it goes along with being older, and

then

> I

> > get inactive, and then, feel like crap, then use MORE

> caffeine/sugar

> > on a regular basis, stop drinking water entirely because I'm just

> > out of my good senses, (no alcohol) and generally let myself go.

> > This last time, I got a kidney infection, could not walk, got

> dizzy

> > and clumsy, my blood pressure started fluctuating and couldn't

> > remember stuff, having bad judgement about what to say and not

> say...

> >

> > Generally a mess. So does anyone see anything in this cycle that

> > says where I start to decline? I've done this over and over, for

> > about fifteen years. My weight goes from 189, where I start to

> > feel a lot better, to 215 or so. I can't seem to get past the

180

> > mark, until I start to feel vulnerable again. I used to have

such

> a

> > cute figure, but I can't stand it when I start to lose weight and

> > people notice. I don't want them to notice!!!!Is this wierd??

My

> > nada was very obsessed with my weight, got mad when I gained what

> > she considered to be too much weight with my first daughter. I

> lost

> > it quickly though. My second pregnancy was very difficult, I had

> > severe preeclampsia and had to stay in bed for five weeks, so I

> > really gained the weight, even though I hardly ate anything. She

> > stopped giving me a hard time about my weight after she realized

I

> > couldn't exercise with second pregnancy.

> >

> > I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for my own habits

and

> > for being accountable for my choices. Why do I feel so scared

> when

> > I start to feel good? What is that about? Am I just crazy,

too?

> >

> > Any advice or perspective is welcome. I have a very thick skin

> and

> > can handle it.

> >

> > B.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks... I'll check it out.