Re: please help me......

[Guest guest]

Hi Barbara

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry you are having marriage problems on top of your health problems. Has

your husband gone in with you when you see your doctor? Your doctor can explain

why you need the medications to your husband in no uncertain terms.

Is he worried about addiction or is your behavior different when you take your

medications? When narcotics are taken for physical pain they are not addictive.

It's when people use them for to just get high that they are addictive.

You are not only dealing with hideous pain, each and every day, you have other

siginificant chronic illnesses too. That is very stressful for both of you. It

would be very wise for the two of you to see a counselor to sort these things

out. A neutral and caring professional can help you. All marriages have problems

and when you add chronic illness the whole family is sick too. You all grieve

for the life you wanted to have.

Managing chronic illness often requires medication. If something is chronic it

must be managed. Taking your long acting duragesic patch as needed would be

like trying to put out a forest fire by throwing a small bucket of water on the

biggest trees.

You need to keep your pain levels at a liveable level. That is the beauty of

long acting medications. You don't take long acting blood pressure medications

only when your blood pressure is high. You take it to keep it from getting high.

This is the same with seizure medications, psych medications, etc. You are

trying to manage the illness.

I strongly urge you both to seek counseling. If he refuses to go then go for

yourself.

BTW have you tried Lyrica for your nerve pain? I have nerve pain too and the

Lyrica is very helpful. Lyrica is an anti-seizure medication similar to

Neurontin.

Going off your medications will not save your marriage. It takes two people

working together to make a marriage.There is probably a bigger problem that

needs to be identified and dealt with.

Kaylene

Moderator and Registered Nurse

bsnwatson wrote:

The help I need is that my husband is very supportive and has been terrific

trying to help what he can. But, he don't understand that I need pain

medication. He thinks I am addicted and don't need to take the medication.

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[Guest guest]

At 19:03 +0000 01/17/2006, bsnwatson wrote about please help me......:

|Just to appease

|him I offered to quit all pain meds. I know this would be a total

|disaster. But we have been married for 16 years and to save my

|marriage I would do just about anything.

Hi Barbara,

This makes me so sad and also angry.

I would never ever give up my medication for anything, not to save my

marriage not to convince my husband, nothing! My health in the most

important thing to me in my life. If I can't control and manage my

pain levels I'm not living.

To be honest I think it's an arrogant and uncaring attitude to

question your medication use. Would he ask you to give up your heart

medication if you needed that? Or meds for diabetics? Did he ever

have a toothache? Maybe he can imagine having that every day, always?

An no way to control it?

If my husband would tell me that our marriage depended on wether I

would stop taking pain meds or not, I would have his bags packed

before he could even blink his eyes. As dr Phil says, please don't

let the door hit your butt on the way out!

I'm not prepared to torture myself just because he thinks that I

should, my first and foremost responsibility is towards myself and my

health. If I don't care about that than who will? If he can't live

with that than maybe it's time he goes looking for new pastures. I

expect, demand and give full loyalty from my relationship, if that

is gone than it has become toxic to me.

But that's just me of course, your relationship is probably different

from mine and we probably don't value the same issues. Do what is

right for you and do not risk your health and sanity for the sake of

someone else.

--

[Guest guest]

Hi Barbara,

I think Kaylene gave you excellent advice. I have dealt with

the " you are a addict gibberish my self and do have so strong

feelings about it. I can tell your condtions are very painful second the

Duragesic patch is fairly safe and niot highly addictive if used corectly . It

is not a drug that you use only as needed it is used to maintain a constant

levle of fentnyl in your system amd must be used all the time. . most pole do

fairly well with it . though it is expensive .

First it might be helpful if your' Pain MD is understanding and

can explain the huge differences between addiction and dependency.

You MD might be able to explain why you need the drugs and that with

out them your lif3e would be a living hell.

Sometimes being blunt works. Sadly a lot of people get their ideas about

addiction for television ads mostly made by the Partnership for a Drug Free

America. (boy do they mean it ) and television new or other show it is

mostly hype to sell the show and make money .

These shows do not even come close to reality or the real facts of substance

use, abuse dependency and addiction. Most pain patients are not drug addicts

some behaviors resemble addictive behavior mostly because the drugs they are on

are not working well. So they need more

I would not give up my pain medication for a relationship. I have

before and after photos I show people before when I was injured and

was not able to walk with out severe pain and two after shots one of me on top

of South maroon a 14,000 ft mountain in Colorado and one of me cutting wood

with a large chainsaw . I look happy and

productive in the after photos I look and was depressed in the before photos,.

That speaks volumes. No one is worth it.

I do not know if asking your husband why he feels this way will help but feel

free to print out my post Maybe explain that you are not an addict and you want

to love a full life with him will be of some help.

I do not know any one on this list but I think I can safely say

that not one of us considers themselves an addict and many of our

families do not either I know mine does not. They are glad I am able

to do many of the things I did before my injury though I will never be 100 % .

Best of luck Rick

--- In chronic_pain , " bsnwatson "

But, he don't understand that I > need pain medication. He thinks I am addicted

and don't need to take the medication. I should only take it if and when I need

it.

Barbara

[Guest guest]

Barbara

I am in agrrement with everyone about addiction and dependancy on

pain meds. People get misconceptions that we can control our pain in

our heads. That taking pain meds will make us addicted to them.

Your husband needs to understand this, If he refuses then its time to

rethink your relationship with him. Tell him outright what he is

asking of you is unfair. No one should be made to go without the

drugs they need to survive on or ease pain so they can function in

life.

Hope we have helped a bit so you can have a starting point on getting

these issues resolved with your husband.

in Missouri

[Guest guest]

Dear Barbara.

You have to try and let your husband know that although he thinks he is trying

to help you shake drugs, YOU NEED THEM. They have to reach a certain level in

your blood to keep you from the pain. If you let a dose or two lapse, you lose

all the benefits of what the Dr. is trying to help you control. You have to

keep the level up in your system or all is for nothing.

Hope you read this to him and can make some sense in it.

donna

[Guest guest]

Dear Barbara,

He is trying to avoid having to accept you hurt that bad, my husband

was the same way until my Nurse Practioner said, Do you realize how

close she is to being disabled and she is going to need you. That was

three years ago and I had a three level spinal fusion. He has seen the

difference in my decline.

He just wants me to " be well " . Since he can't fix it, he wants it to

go away (my pain) The nurse practictioner talked to him. Good Luck

and talk anytime, I am sorry you hurt.

Bennie

[Guest guest]

Barbara wrote:

> The help I need is that my husband is very supportive and has been

> terrific trying to help what he can. But, he don't understand that I

> need pain medication. He thinks I am addicted and don't need to take

> the medication. I should only take it if and when I need it. He can't

> understand that I need the control all of the time.

=============================================================

Don't stop your pain meds. Take your husband to you next doctor visit

and have the doctor explain it to him. He has to be made aware that to

control chronic pain you need to stay one step ahead of it. That means

taking the pain meds before it gets so bad you can't stand it.

Anything else is torture. Sitting and waiting in pain for your meds to

kick in. That's just not the way to do it.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barbara -

Try asking your husband this simple question:

Can he see that the pain medications improve your ability to function

more normally and improve your quality of life, compared to when you

had no pain control at all?

That is, when you are out of pain, are you able to get up out of bed,

and have a happier, more normal life, and do the things that both you

and your husband want and like to do?

If he agrees that this is true, then he must agree that you cannot

possibly be addicted to your pain medications. Instead, he must

agree that you are being appropriately medically treated to improve

your health.

Here's why:

Addiction makes addicts *unable* to function normally. Addiction

*reduces* the quality of life. Addicts take drugs and stay in that

bed, not getting up, not having a happier, more normal life, not

doing the things they enjoy.

Those undergoing appropriate medical treatment, on the other hand,

experience reduced pain and therefore that makes their life, health,

and functioning *better*.

Help him to see that you are *better* with pain control, and thus you

are not an addict.

It may require that you remind him forcefully about what your life

was like before you had the pain control you have now to convince him

of this fact. But please, *don't* resort to losing that pain control

entirely in order to make him see how bad life can get without it.

Your husband should want only the best for you, and for you both as a

couple. Do everything you must to convince him that you both have

the best life together with you as happy and healthy as possible, not

with you curled into a ball of frustrated and angry pain because of

his ignorance, prejudices and misperceptions about appropriate

medical treatment of chronic pain.

I wish you the best. Let us know how things progress.

Cheryl in AZ

[Guest guest]

First off let me say that it often is the spouse who must bear the brunt of all

of the problems of the other spouse. That being said let me assure you and him

that you have to take the med's. I have adrenal insufficency, which is s

for me and without the medicine you could very easily go into what is called an

addisons crisis. That will kill you if you don't immediately get help and it

could greatly affect how you live the rest of your life if you even get help.

So you cannot stop taking med's. You need them to live.

To me the difference between you and an addict is you must have them to

function like a " normal " person does. The addict must have them to function like

an out of control " normal " person. You want to give your body what it is not

able to produce or is lacking. An addict wants to give their body more than it

needs and never what it wants.

You probably have a marriage problem here. How were things going before you

got sick? Has your health always been involved? Things like how old he is, if

you have kids how old are they? Things like, does he like his job? Is he

helpful or was he never helpful and it is just more noticed now that you need

the help.

The main reason I bring up those question is to get you two talking. If he

won't talk to someone, you need to. Things will not get better, only worse, a

problem like this just grows more and more each day. I have no doubt he loves

you, and you love him. The media and people in general tell you all the time

about those who are addicted to prescription pain pills. I would like to know

who all these people are. The ones I know who take them would give just about

anything to not be taking any pills, to be able to live 24 hours with the main

thing on their mind what to eat for dinner, instead of di d I take that pill,

why is my pain so bad, let me try to make it just one more hour without pain

pills, etc......They would even like to sleep for more than one hour without

waking up in pain.

I often say to people who question whether or not I am addicted (it is not my

family members), well, did you put on deodorant today. After their puzzled look

I say well you must be addicted to it thenm if oyu do it every day. Or maybe

you are addicted to not grossing everyone out by your smell. That is the way it

is with me and pain. I do not want to hurt today so just as you put on your

deodorant so you would not stink up the room I put a pain pill in my mouth so I

would not stink up your world by shaing, crying or anything else. Without that

med I am not a pretty sight, I love you so I am doing the best I can to help not

just me but you have a better day. That usually shuts them up!

My husband is a pastor and we hear tons of stories similiar to what you are

saying all the time. It is they take to many pills, they won't take their med,

they drink to much pepsi, they stay up late and watch TV, they never talk to me,

etc... So sit down, and talk in a calm reasonable voice and try to get him to

understand without yelling, or screaming, just talk to him as if he was the most

inmportant thing to you, and he is right? This is long so I better close.

Gwen

ps. I have many diseases and DVT is one of those. That is not fun is it?

[Guest guest]

Hi, and welcome! Barbara,

Kaylene has said it very well.

I think all of us have a little problem taking drugs, relying on a

pill to get through the day is so unlike what we used to be.

Chronic pain, multiple illnesses, etc. have put us in solitary

confinement in this jail called pain. We can hardly understand it

or tolerate it.

It is especially difficult for those who are near and dear to us-

they just want the old 'us' back. We sometimes need to look back to

the times when we were the healthy one and our 'near and dear' was

hurting. Yeah, it's a difficult place to be, and we don't need that

extra burden of seeing the other side of our pain issues.

I strongly suggest you keep the lines of communication wide open

with your DH. It isn't easy, but is necessary. I'm sure that if my

DW hadn't stubbornly kept kicking and prying at the old

communication thing we would not be happily together today.

Have you seen a thing called 'A Letter to Normals...' yet? Have you

shared it with your DH? It is a very big help.

Gentle hugs to you. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

GBY

>

>

> Hi Barbara

> Welcome to the group.

> I'm sorry you are having marriage problems on top of your health

problems.