Re: Siblings

[Guest guest]

Hi Rhonda!

Well I can't say for sure what " roll " your brother is playing in all of this

...but I can tell you that both you and I are in a similar situation with

having a " favored brother " who has had, like your brother a grocery list of

issues....yet still manages to be nada's favorite. Through the past year

what I have seen through my therepy sessions is that she is like that

because his problems dictate a NEED for her to be controlling him. I've

often said that she " inables " him by " enabling " him. She makes it very easy

for him to keep up his drug habit knowing darn well that by doing that, he

will NEVER get clean. If he can't get clean he can't work...if he can't

work then he HAS to live at home with her. And that gives her COMPLETE

control. He has no " life skills " whatsoever. He doesn't even know how to

look up a phone number in the phone book. At the age of 27 he is still

trying to figure out how food magically appears in the house. I actually

took him to the grocery store and he had NO CLUE what to do. He was totally

lost. He gets paid and honestly and truly couldn't even GUESS at how much

money he needs to keep out for gas. We spend about an hour explaining how

tax " works on stuff you buy. He knows that our tax rate is 5%....meaning 5

cents for every dollar. But he can't understand why you STILL have to pay

tax if it is LESS that a dollar. He said to me " well this gum is 84 cents..

which means there isn't any tax because it's less than a dollar. " I just

couldn't get him to understand it. The reason why he doensn't have these

skills is because nada has gone out of her way to give him NO life skills.

He can't read a map, he had trouble pumping gas in his car....he can't even

set his alarm clock. His cooking skills doens't go much past hot pockets

and popcorn. She has has totally corrupted him so that he can't take care

of himself. Now, my brother sees it....but just doesn't seem to have the

strength to break free. She has him hard-wired that he couldn't live out on

his own. The bad part in all of this is....by doing this, she is getting

EXACTLY what she wants. So her bad behavior is being positively reinforced.

For her...because the FOG works on my brother it isn't something she sees

as something that is bad. Then she gets frustrated with me because I shut

her down. When she starts the fog stuff with me, I stop and say " Ok...this

is where you lose me. You are trying to guilt me into doing what you want

and I do not respond to guilt. "

As far as the " favored " child syndrome....that's a toughie. I just can't

see how any rational adult would be able to just let that go. Being the

child less favored stinks, and it's hard to deal with because hey....we are

human...we hurt when stuff like that happens. I hope for you someday you

can make your peace with it. I'm sure you already know this, but in

actuality, we are the less favored because we aren't as moldable and the

favored, agreeable child. We are strong individuals who deserved to be

loved unconditionally. Make no mistake...favored child or unfavored child..

the BPD loves themselves most. Try not to take it in too much. I'm sure it

is the way it is because on some level, she recognizes your strength and

wisdom.

Good luck and God Bless....Have a safe and fabulous New Year !!

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- Siblings

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's information. This is so hard

to go through and just doesn't make sense. I think that is what

causes my head to hurt is trying to figure out this crazy disorder.

Anyway, any ideas on this one..... I have an older brother who was the

golden child in nada's eyes. But he was a drug abuser, partier, in

jail for theft, wrecked cars, never kept bills paid, still owes taxes,

and lied to us about having a fatal illness..... man were we

dysfunctional....

Anyway, she always bailed him out. She knew everything about him and

I found out in Oct. that she didn't know where I worked, what I did,

or what I studied in college. I always " knew " he was favored in her

eyes, but when you really " know " it, it seems to hurt more.

Anyway, how does that play into the BPD stuff?

Rhonda

[Guest guest]

Thanks for you info. It does make sense once someone helps you see it. I am a

very strong and opinionated person. A hard worker to get what I want. This is

such an amazing journey. Around 13 years ago, I started a prayer journal and I

was seeking answers to certain behaviors that I had. Prayers were not answered.

When these behaviors in my mom were more obvious, I could see how my prayers

were being answered 13 years later. It is great in that we are receiving

healing on many levels, but so emotional. Some days we are sad, mad, happy,

relieved, I could go on with adjectives. Anyway....

have a great new year also and I hope everyone else in the group has a safe a

happy new year!!

Beach Bunny wrote:

Hi Rhonda!

Well I can't say for sure what " roll " your brother is playing in all of this

..but I can tell you that both you and I are in a similar situation with

having a " favored brother " who has had, like your brother a grocery list of

issues....yet still manages to be nada's favorite. Through the past year

what I have seen through my therepy sessions is that she is like that

because his problems dictate a NEED for her to be controlling him. I've

often said that she " inables " him by " enabling " him. She makes it very easy

for him to keep up his drug habit knowing darn well that by doing that, he

will NEVER get clean. If he can't get clean he can't work...if he can't

work then he HAS to live at home with her. And that gives her COMPLETE

control. He has no " life skills " whatsoever. He doesn't even know how to

look up a phone number in the phone book. At the age of 27 he is still

trying to figure out how food magically appears in the house. I actually

took him to the grocery store and he had NO CLUE what to do. He was totally

lost. He gets paid and honestly and truly couldn't even GUESS at how much

money he needs to keep out for gas. We spend about an hour explaining how

tax " works on stuff you buy. He knows that our tax rate is 5%....meaning 5

cents for every dollar. But he can't understand why you STILL have to pay

tax if it is LESS that a dollar. He said to me " well this gum is 84 cents..

which means there isn't any tax because it's less than a dollar. " I just

couldn't get him to understand it. The reason why he doensn't have these

skills is because nada has gone out of her way to give him NO life skills.

He can't read a map, he had trouble pumping gas in his car....he can't even

set his alarm clock. His cooking skills doens't go much past hot pockets

and popcorn. She has has totally corrupted him so that he can't take care

of himself. Now, my brother sees it....but just doesn't seem to have the

strength to break free. She has him hard-wired that he couldn't live out on

his own. The bad part in all of this is....by doing this, she is getting

EXACTLY what she wants. So her bad behavior is being positively reinforced.

For her...because the FOG works on my brother it isn't something she sees

as something that is bad. Then she gets frustrated with me because I shut

her down. When she starts the fog stuff with me, I stop and say " Ok...this

is where you lose me. You are trying to guilt me into doing what you want

and I do not respond to guilt. "

As far as the " favored " child syndrome....that's a toughie. I just can't

see how any rational adult would be able to just let that go. Being the

child less favored stinks, and it's hard to deal with because hey....we are

human...we hurt when stuff like that happens. I hope for you someday you

can make your peace with it. I'm sure you already know this, but in

actuality, we are the less favored because we aren't as moldable and the

favored, agreeable child. We are strong individuals who deserved to be

loved unconditionally. Make no mistake...favored child or unfavored child..

the BPD loves themselves most. Try not to take it in too much. I'm sure it

is the way it is because on some level, she recognizes your strength and

wisdom.

Good luck and God Bless....Have a safe and fabulous New Year !!

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- Siblings

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's information. This is so hard

to go through and just doesn't make sense. I think that is what

causes my head to hurt is trying to figure out this crazy disorder.

Anyway, any ideas on this one..... I have an older brother who was the

golden child in nada's eyes. But he was a drug abuser, partier, in

jail for theft, wrecked cars, never kept bills paid, still owes taxes,

and lied to us about having a fatal illness..... man were we

dysfunctional....

Anyway, she always bailed him out. She knew everything about him and

I found out in Oct. that she didn't know where I worked, what I did,

or what I studied in college. I always " knew " he was favored in her

eyes, but when you really " know " it, it seems to hurt more.

Anyway, how does that play into the BPD stuff?

Rhonda

[Guest guest]

Rhonda,

It sure does " hurt more " " when you really " know " " that

a sibling is favored by a parent, no matter what their

behavior has been. I’ve comforted myself with the

question, “Do I really want to be favored, or even

expect to be equally considered, by such a disturbed,

sick person as my nada?”

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- rhonda1210 wrote:

> I have really enjoyed reading everyone's

> information. This is so hard

> to go through and just doesn't make sense. I think

> that is what

> causes my head to hurt is trying to figure out this

> crazy disorder.

> Anyway, any ideas on this one..... I have an older

> brother who was the

> golden child in nada's eyes. But he was a drug

> abuser, partier, in

> jail for theft, wrecked cars, never kept bills paid,

> still owes taxes,

> and lied to us about having a fatal illness..... man

> were we

> dysfunctional....

> Anyway, she always bailed him out. She knew

> everything about him and

> I found out in Oct. that she didn't know where I

> worked, what I did,

> or what I studied in college. I always " knew " he

> was favored in her

> eyes, but when you really " know " it, it seems to

> hurt more.

> Anyway, how does that play into the BPD stuff?

> Rhonda

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Rhonda

I believe the technical term for what you are talking about is " splitting " .

in my understanding, people with BPD have this tendency to see things as either

all-good or all-bad. So, they can't see shades in between, it is either or.

And they do this with their children. They " split " their children either

all-good or all-bad. And then treat them that way. The all-good child can

do no wrong in the eyes of a BP parent, and the " all-bad " child is evil no

matter how much they try.

I was always split bad, and sometimes I read on here about people who say

their nada switched back and forth between good and bad. My nada was stable in

that she always split me bad and another sibling of mine was always good, no

matter what... I guess this was the only thing nada was stable about.

Being split 'bad " made me the receiver of alot of abuse and neglect that I am

still trying to undo to this day, and it has cost me alot of energy and years of

my life, it makes me angry. I can understand your emotions.

walking to happiness.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

As always, Greg, wonderful advice, for all of us struggling with

being the split-bad. Thanks.

>

> Hi Rhonda,

>

> What you described is essential when there is more than one child

in the family; splitting. It really has nothing to do with reality;

it is based on the insanity of the bpd.

>

> The real question that I would ask you, as I agree 110% that it

hurts even worse when you find out that your parent(s) don't care

about you at all, is why is that important? Do you believe her? Do

you want to try and get on her good side (there is no such thing -

not even for the golden child)?

>

> I think it is helpful to sometimes step back and take the word and

image of mother out of it and just put a person in there instead.

So if you imagine this stranger painting your brother all beautiful

and golden (especially when he is doing all the illegal and harmful

things to himself) would you trust this stranger? Or would you more

likely think htat person is an insane idiot?

>

> What if that very same stranger told you those things about you,

or said those things about you and you found out? Would you believe

them? Doubt it. Distance can help gain perspective.

>

> Take good care,

>

> Greg.

>

>

> Siblings

>

> I have really enjoyed reading everyone's information. This is so

hard

> to go through and just doesn't make sense. I think that is what

> causes my head to hurt is trying to figure out this crazy

disorder.

> Anyway, any ideas on this one..... I have an older brother who was

the

> golden child in nada's eyes. But he was a drug abuser, partier, in

> jail for theft, wrecked cars, never kept bills paid, still owes

taxes,

> and lied to us about having a fatal illness..... man were we

> dysfunctional. ...

> Anyway, she always bailed him out. She knew everything about him

and

> I found out in Oct. that she didn't know where I worked, what I

did,

> or what I studied in college. I always " knew " he was favored in her

> eyes, but when you really " know " it, it seems to hurt more.

> Anyway, how does that play into the BPD stuff?

> Rhonda

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>