Re: Tried to do the right thing (was New to group)

[Guest guest]

and All,

Wow, when you wrote, “I guess it's the sense of guilt

that tells me I shouldn't walk away without knowing I

tried my utmost to do the right thing. If help wasn't

gotten, I would rather it were someone else's fault

rather than mine,” that really got me. That guilt,

along with the fear and obligation (FOG) I felt was

the main reason I endured and tried to help my nada,

fada and FOO for so long. How belligerent, obstinate,

uncooperative and ungrateful of and shame on me for

trying, as you said, “to do the right thing.” Silly

me. I should’ve known better than to try to be a good

person and a good son, huh? Ya think? My good

intentions, common decency, and basic human instincts

were turned around, thrown in my face, dumped on my

head, shoved . . . and I took it, and took it, and . .

.. I was a dishrag about that, just like my fada.

When I turned in my towel and resigned as a dishrag,

WHOA! You would have thought I’d committed genocide.

I learned that that’s a common reaction of very

disturbed, selfish and . . . what do you know,

belligerent, obstinate, uncooperative and ungrateful

people! Seems I’d been projected onto. Guess I

didn’t understand that it would never end. After all,

most stories have a beginning, a middle and an end,

right? Not with a BP!

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- A Lyons wrote:

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I relate to everything said here so very much. I

> would say that about 75%

> of what kenzmadie writes, my mother has done all my

> life.

>

> I can also relate very strongly to the part about

> knowing that nothing you

> can do will help her. Over the past two to three

> months, I've gone from:

> Not speaking to anyone in my FOO because of

> misplaced loyalty to nada ( " How

> can I talk to the people who abused her when I'm not

> talking to her? That's

> siding with the people who did the worst wrong " ) to

> trying to reestablish

> contact because of a serious accident my grandfather

> had, to getting hit

> with it all in the face once again. Fifteen minutes

> after I walked into the

> room with her, I got hit with the constant stream of

>

>

" so-and-so-did-this-to-me-and-so-and-so-did-that-to-me. "

> Only this time, I

> did something different: I responded with a

> thinking brain instead of the

> time-honored " Oh, you poor baby. "

>

> Simply saying such terrible and disloyal things as,

> " Yeah, that person did

> something wrong, but it's not the only issue, and

> you need to communicate on

> all the issues directly with him, " got twisted into

> something I never even

> thought, much less said, and got me badmouthed all

> over the family ...

> AGAIN.

>

> Since then I have slid from the stance that I need

> to see a professional

> about the best way to approach her about getting her

> some help, to just

> wanting to walk away from it forever, period.

> What's the point? She's been

> in counseling before, and it didn't help.

>

> I guess it's just the sense of guilt that tells me I

> shouldn't walk away

> without knowing I tried my utmost to do the right

> thing. If help wasn't

> gotten, I would rather it were someone else's fault

> rather than mine.

>

> But I gotta say, these last couple of months of n/c

> have been so, so nice.

> No more having my inbox taken up with 12 emails a

> day of

>

" " so-and-so-did-this-to-me-and-so-and-so-did-that-to-me; "

> no more having to

> hear her go on and on about some cockamamie internet

> conspiracy theory and

> then blast me if I say I'm not interested or don't

> believe it and don't want

> to hear any more. No more having so much of my day

> taken up with what to do

> about her and how awful things are going to be as

> she gets older if I can't

> figure out how to get things to go better.

>

> I think of returning to that house, scene of so many

> arguments and screaming

> fights and BP rages, and seeing her face again, and

> I know that I just

> cannot do it. I never want to go back to my

> hometown again. I never want

> to see this person again. And that's the literal

> truth of it.

>

> I have here a package from her on my desk that's

> just arrived. As soon as I

> open it, I'm going to end up sucked in again, and I

> don't want to be. I

> feel like printing out this topic (names blacked out

> of course), sending the

> package back to her, and including it, and writing,

> " This is what it feels

> like to be me, in relationship to you. I don't want

> it any more, and I

> don't want your package. The only thing I ever

> wanted, is the only thing

> every child truly needs: a healthy, stable, mature,

> responsible mother.

> You are not. Your behavior is hurtful, it always

> has been, and I don't want

> it any more. You are obviously severely mentally

> ill, and you need to be in

> treatment. If you ever decide to do this, call me.

> If not, don't ever

> contact me again for any reason. "

>

> *Sigh* I wish.

>

> Happy New Year, everybody.

>

> --LL.

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I have tried for sixteen years to do the right thing, and like

yourselves send the " nasty " letter telling my mother to leave me

alone! I have done this, and it doesn't help--it makes them try

harder to find fault in you. I despise the letters I get back

telling me what a terrible mom she was, begging forgiveness, and

then saying, " you are the perfect mom! " It begins this horrible

roller coaster, one that truly hurts. So, as badly as you want to

send the letter, and then ask for proof, it didn't work for me. It

sure feels good to write it, but now I just journal what I would

like to write and never send it. To me, it helps to get rid of the

junk, and the guilt.

erbussmom

>

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I relate to everything said here so very much. I

> > would say that about 75%

> > of what kenzmadie writes, my mother has done all my

> > life.

> >

> > I can also relate very strongly to the part about

> > knowing that nothing you

> > can do will help her. Over the past two to three

> > months, I've gone from:

> > Not speaking to anyone in my FOO because of

> > misplaced loyalty to nada ( " How

> > can I talk to the people who abused her when I'm not

> > talking to her? That's

> > siding with the people who did the worst wrong " ) to

> > trying to reestablish

> > contact because of a serious accident my grandfather

> > had, to getting hit

> > with it all in the face once again. Fifteen minutes

> > after I walked into the

> > room with her, I got hit with the constant stream of

> >

> >

> " so-and-so-did-this-to-me-and-so-and-so-did-that-to-me. "

> > Only this time, I

> > did something different: I responded with a

> > thinking brain instead of the

> > time-honored " Oh, you poor baby. "

> >

> > Simply saying such terrible and disloyal things as,

> > " Yeah, that person did

> > something wrong, but it's not the only issue, and

> > you need to communicate on

> > all the issues directly with him, " got twisted into

> > something I never even

> > thought, much less said, and got me badmouthed all

> > over the family ...

> > AGAIN.

> >

> > Since then I have slid from the stance that I need

> > to see a professional

> > about the best way to approach her about getting her

> > some help, to just

> > wanting to walk away from it forever, period.

> > What's the point? She's been

> > in counseling before, and it didn't help.

> >

> > I guess it's just the sense of guilt that tells me I

> > shouldn't walk away

> > without knowing I tried my utmost to do the right

> > thing. If help wasn't

> > gotten, I would rather it were someone else's fault

> > rather than mine.

> >

> > But I gotta say, these last couple of months of n/c

> > have been so, so nice.

> > No more having my inbox taken up with 12 emails a

> > day of

> >

> " " so-and-so-did-this-to-me-and-so-and-so-did-that-to-me; "

> > no more having to

> > hear her go on and on about some cockamamie internet

> > conspiracy theory and

> > then blast me if I say I'm not interested or don't

> > believe it and don't want

> > to hear any more. No more having so much of my day

> > taken up with what to do

> > about her and how awful things are going to be as

> > she gets older if I can't

> > figure out how to get things to go better.

> >

> > I think of returning to that house, scene of so many

> > arguments and screaming

> > fights and BP rages, and seeing her face again, and

> > I know that I just

> > cannot do it. I never want to go back to my

> > hometown again. I never want

> > to see this person again. And that's the literal

> > truth of it.

> >

> > I have here a package from her on my desk that's

> > just arrived. As soon as I

> > open it, I'm going to end up sucked in again, and I

> > don't want to be. I

> > feel like printing out this topic (names blacked out

> > of course), sending the

> > package back to her, and including it, and writing,

> > " This is what it feels

> > like to be me, in relationship to you. I don't want

> > it any more, and I

> > don't want your package. The only thing I ever

> > wanted, is the only thing

> > every child truly needs: a healthy, stable, mature,

> > responsible mother.

> > You are not. Your behavior is hurtful, it always

> > has been, and I don't want

> > it any more. You are obviously severely mentally

> > ill, and you need to be in

> > treatment. If you ever decide to do this, call me.

> > If not, don't ever

> > contact me again for any reason. "

> >

> > *Sigh* I wish.

> >

> > Happy New Year, everybody.

> >

> > --LL.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>