Re: Elderly Mother Alternates Between Witch and Waif

March 4, 2007

After my dad died I re-entered the family and felt sorry for nada, who

by the way, became a waif overnight (previously queen/witch). After

several months of close, personal contact I was bordering on an

emotional meltdown. I decided to seek therapy and told my therapist I

wanted to learn how to be around nada without being negatively

affected. She laughed in my face. I didn't understand why then but I

do now. For me it was impossible. Nada was not going to change and I

couldn't protect myself from all the triggers. She always found a way

to either envoke guilt or leave me so frustrated I wanted to climb a

bell tower. After several months of therapy I went n/c and never

looked back. Nada died a year later. It comes down to how much of

yourself are you willing to sacrifice....and for what? The only thing

that will change is our life expectancy.

Keep posting,

>

> I'd like to hear from anyone who knows about this and overcame. I go

> completely cold at either. I show no emotion because that would give

> her an entry way and I refuse. The witch attacks, demeans and

> sarcastically makes hurtful remarks. The waif is helpless, lost and

> all alone and uses guilt as her bait to reel me in. I ~TRY~ to stay

> detached but I can be reeled in as the dutiful daughter caretaker but

> then the witch comes out and she attacks. My mother is in a nursing

> home now and today really was bad for me in visiting her. I feel

sorry

> for her but I really grieve for myself. I am looking for others with

> the same situation. Looking forward to hearing from you.

>

> Joy

>

March 4, 2007

My experience is different than yours in that I am NC with

witch/waif. I have, however, come to an understanding of nada's

behaviors, after reading posts here and reading the recommended

books.

Things to remember:

1. Your mother is doing what has worked for years, and she is the

one who invented this set of behaviors. Most people, including you,

do the best they can to get along with her and give yourself credit.

2. This is how I have come to think of my mom, 72 years old and

more witch now than waif, but she did a very good act in the past,

of the baiting... gaining sympathy.. and then.. .bam. abuse and

then I'd sort of go into shock and believe that I was the cause..

These folks are very perceptive, and use your own weakness and

kindness to gain their comfort, somehow. But the comfort for them

is very short-lived and then they start the cycle all over again.

3. I think of this as similar to a physical illness... like instead

of a shortage of insulin, or blood cells. (stupid analogy, but stay

with me here, ) She has a shortage of coping skills in her stash of

coping skills. Most of us have many to pick from, but these people

only have their alternating nice (reel them in) and nasty (I feel

better when I bash someone else and they'll feel guilty and stay a

little longer.) Its not personal against YOU, its just their way of

functioning. A very very bad way, but a way.

4. I also think of my mother as sort of a shell... she is very

simple but also very complex... but she as she gets older, becomes

more severe and more cartoonish... does that make sense? If you

watch animals as they get bad habits, sometimes, it is like that.

Their personality is taken over by the habits and sort of becomes

buried. My mom used to have traits I could relate to, and things in

common, but as she's gotten older, these things are gone and we're

left with the shell of a person who desparately clings to what she

thinks might work, not realizing it is driving people away.

This turned into a long post, but I hope my experience may help

someone else. I've been dealing with her and have seen her various

stages of this disorder since about 1973, and its been a gradual

decline. Of course, I miss the person with whom I could share

hobbies, and similar interests. But now she absolutely refuses to

do anything but try to manipulate and I had to put distance for my

own health. Everyone is different and I think she and I swung back

and forth along this continuum before she went all the way bad

behavior. But even the good years affected be as I never knew when

she was going to blow.

Peace and prayers..

B.

March 5, 2007

Detachment is a skill that gets better with practice. It's not

something you occasionally try -- it's more of an actual shift in your

thinking. It's a strategy that you adopt and go forward with.

Detachment is possible when you FULLY realize that you can't reason

withis person, that they're NEVER going to " get it " and that you have

to determine just how much time you're willing to drain into being in

this person's presence.

You need to fully understand your need to be detached from her -- read

the books, take it in, adopt it as a strategy that will keep you out

of the continual victim role.

If you're getting " sucked " in, you haven't fully put " detachment " into

your arsenal as a strategy against those who want to storm in and take

your integrity away. You haven't given yourself permission to weather

the " storm " that sometimes results.

There's a saying: " You know you've grown up when you make decisions

and quit caring what your parents think. "

You may not realize it now, but now that you're an adult, any " sucking

in " that she's able to do with you is partly with your permission.

YOU have to draw the line. If you don't, you can't look around and

blame her. If the visits at the nursing home are tearing you up, then

STOP going. Quit walking yourself in as the lamb to the slaughter.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to offer yourself

as a human sacrifice. It's up to you to keep her (and the others like

her in the world) from encroaching on you. Once you conquer that with

her, you'll find you can do it with others like her in your life, and

the world won't seem so scary. We keep repeating the dysfunctions of

our FOO out into the world until we decide to stop the cycle. It's

amazing how it works -- once you unravel the FOO's hold on you, you

start to see it out in your daily life, and strengthening yourself

against it becomes more of a habit and less scary.

Melody Beatty's books are good writings on detachment -- I think she

wrote The Language of Letting Go, CoDependent No More, etc.

We're here as sounding boards and support for you.

-Kyla