Need advice about a friend

[Guest guest]

I have a really good friend and she has been doing something that

has been bothering me lately. I am not sure if it bothers me enough

to set a boundary and if do set one I am not sure how to go about

it. Also b/c we all now each other I am not comfortable talking

about it to anybody here b/c I don't want to gossip.

So here is the story. Every time she has a problem w/ he son she

says to me " you know that thing that your son and my son does " and

then she will go on to tell me what her kid did. 90% of the time it

is something that my son has outgrown like 5 years ago! It really

bothers me. It feels like she is not taking responsibility for her

child and she is projecting her problems on to me by say that thing

is something that both of our kids do. One example is " her child

threw a fit when she left him at preschool like my kid did " . My

child has never done that in fact he loved going to preschool

several years go when he went!! Another thing she said was " they

both take things out of their sibling hands " but my son stopped

doing that years ago after he was out of the toddler age. Her son

will be 5 in 2 months and should pretty much know better but he is

very hyper active I know this so I just give him space. But she

drives me nuts when she says this! I just want to say " no what does

my kid do why don't you tell my obviously I don't know my child! "

But she is my friend I don't want to start a fight and I don't want

to hurt her but she is hurting me and does not even know. I know

that feeling of having your hands full and not wanting to feel alone

but why is she projecting her sons problems onto my son, he has

enough of his own problems! Now I feel like I can't talk to her

about my sons problems b/c he is older his problems are different he

does not have those problems, will she be even more judgmental ? I

feel like our problems run deep b/c of nada and being n/c and the

fact we lived w/ her for a few years I think living w/ her was

damaging to all of us. Gosh I really don't know what I should do.

Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody had anything like this

before? Any help is much appreciated. Thanks Lizzy

[Guest guest]

Wow thank you for all the replies a, Kyla, Sylvia, Kerrie, you

guys really have helped me thank you! I guess the word I did not

think of but you did was denial! That word did not cross my mind but

once I heard it, it felt like a light bulb moment. She does feels a

constant need to compare notes as you stated Kerrie. She always says

things like is it just my kids? Or something to that effect. I know

we all have our moments but when you have a kid as hyper active as

her kid it must be hard. Of course no kid is perfect, like I said my

son has many quirks but now I don't feel comfortable talking to her

(or anybody) about them. I would feel comfortable talking about my

sons quirks on here and probably no place else.

Kyla and Sylvia she does very much analyze things she is a thinker

so I might go very far with just a look. If I even raise an eye brow

this might do wonders. She will probably think WTH? And think until

she catches on that I did not like it and it does not make sense.

She is pretty in-tune. I will try this method the next time she does

it face to face. I did say one time " no actually he does not do

that " but obviously she did not take a hint in her anger w/ her own

son. A look might be just what I need. Thanks for the tip.

a you are right I was blamed as a kid for stupid things I never

did and that is part of why this is bothering me so much I guess I

just hope to learn and tame the beast I don't want my son to feel

these stupid painful senseless emotions. There is no need. I doubt

she would say this in front of him but b/c she has said it so many

times now I don't want her to slip.

She is the only person I talk to about major things that is why I

was uncomfortable talking to anybody else about this problem. I have

lots of friends but I don't like to share the details of my life

with everybody. KWIM? This board is the only other place I really go

for solid advice.

I guess with this lady I can tell you already she is not going out

of my life. For one I love her we are very close. For two we are

family on the non crazy side! Lol. Usually we have lots of fun

together. I know she is having a hard time now w/ her husband being

at home all the time! (not financially hardship they are rich as

hell) just that he is always in her face but I have the same thing

w/ my dh being home every day so I don`t sympathies very much. Our

kids go bananas when they don't see each other. She understands my

situation very well and is one of the few touchable people I have

that does understand. She knew my mom before I did. I am the

godmother of her only daughter. So I am defiantly in this for the

long haul. I guess now the only thing is how to set a boundary with

her with out starting a fight? Because I don't like this constant

comparison.

I have tried in the past just during regular conversations about our

children to say each child is unique each child is different and has

their own personality. So I guess I could either pick a different

time to do this and make it clear. Or I could continue to gently

comfort her and say this so she will feel comforted in her children

and her parenting. She is a very good mom, the things she does I

would not critics, I think she criticizes herself more than I am

criticizing her. But it just urks me when she compares her son to my

son in order to validate her sons behavior problems in her own mind.

She would never compare the two in front of each other, just to me

but I still think it is not necessary. I was just wondering if you

all thought it was worth the correction or not and I think I have

found my answer. I just wanted to make sure I was not making a

mountain out of a mole hill. You know? So thank you for validating

me and thank you all so much for the wise advice. I was so happy to

have all those thoughts to read and think about. I really really

appreciate it. Thanks again. Love Lizzy

> >

> > I have a really good friend and she has been doing something

that

> > has been bothering me lately. I am not sure if it bothers me

> enough

> > to set a boundary and if do set one I am not sure how to go

about

> > it. Also b/c we all now each other I am not comfortable talking

> > about it to anybody here b/c I don't want to gossip.

> >

> > So here is the story. Every time she has a problem w/ he son

she

> > says to me " you know that thing that your son and my son does "

and

> > then she will go on to tell me what her kid did. 90% of the time

> it

> > is something that my son has outgrown like 5 years ago! It

really

> > bothers me. It feels like she is not taking responsibility for

her

> > child and she is projecting her problems on to me by say that

> thing

> > is something that both of our kids do. One example is " her child

> > threw a fit when she left him at preschool like my kid did " . My

> > child has never done that in fact he loved going to preschool

> > several years go when he went!! Another thing she said was " they

> > both take things out of their sibling hands " but my son stopped

> > doing that years ago after he was out of the toddler age. Her

son

> > will be 5 in 2 months and should pretty much know better but he

is

> > very hyper active I know this so I just give him space. But she

> > drives me nuts when she says this! I just want to say " no what

> does

> > my kid do why don't you tell my obviously I don't know my

child! "

> > But she is my friend I don't want to start a fight and I don't

> want

> > to hurt her but she is hurting me and does not even know. I know

> > that feeling of having your hands full and not wanting to feel

> alone

> > but why is she projecting her sons problems onto my son, he has

> > enough of his own problems! Now I feel like I can't talk to her

> > about my sons problems b/c he is older his problems are

different

> he

> > does not have those problems, will she be even more judgmental ?

I

> > feel like our problems run deep b/c of nada and being n/c and

the

> > fact we lived w/ her for a few years I think living w/ her was

> > damaging to all of us. Gosh I really don't know what I should

do.

> > Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody had anything like this

> > before? Any help is much appreciated. Thanks Lizzy

> >

>