(thanks, Trish)Re: need advice! my nada finally called me....

[Guest guest]

Trish,

Thanks... you all have great insight. I like what you wrote about

just setting boundaries and letting her take the responsibility. I

keep falling into the mindset that I have to initiate NC, but I

really don't. I don't think I have to be in that awful position. I

can just say, " here's what I'll put up with, here's what I won't, "

and take it from there. My husband thinks that alone will make her

nuts. Knowing our kid(s) won't be spending the night with her,

asking/demanding she lock up her guns when we're over, are all

things that will probably make her really upset, but I think they

are totally justifiable and those are the boundaries we'll set.

This is hard. Thanks for the support. :-)

Grace

> >

> > Hello all... I just wanted to update you on my situation with

nada.

> > I've been away from the computer for a couple of days, dealing

with

> > my thoughts, etc.

> >

> > She called me for the first time in a month. For those who don't

> > know, we were talking a month ago, the subjec turned to

guardianship

> > of my toddler if something happens to my hubby and me. His folks

> > would raise her. My nada got so upset that she hung up on me and

> > didn't call for a month.

> >

> > Ok, so she clld 2 days ago. She has two sides to her when she is

on

> > conflict... one is the sweet, supposedly humble and peacemaking

> > woman who just wants " peace between us, " as she said. She speaks

> > softly, listens, and cries sometimes. Also uses guilt trips,

layed

> > out in such a way as to explain how rough her life has been and

how

> > she needs me, or needs me to understand her and her needs. (The

> > other side is the angry, sarcastic, nasty woman who explodes

like

> > you would not believe.) I dealt (mostly) with this side of her,

the

> > one who makes it sound like she is this martyr of a mother whose

> > daughter treats her so poorly, when all she wants is to move on

from

> > our last conversation that ended in her hanging up on me.

> >

> > She won't apologize for hanging up on me and not calling for a

> > month. She said I could've clld, and I said hey, I don't call

people

> > back when they hang up on me... this is one of my boundaries and

I

> > told her this, that if she decides to hang up on me, she needs

to be

> > the one to call me back. She was upset, saying I

was " demanding. "

> > She doesn't like boundaries at ALL. She also said she can't

> > apologize for hanging up on me b/c she did " the best she could, "

and

> > had to b/c otherwise she would've said things she would have

> > regretted.

> >

> > Ok, just b/c someone does " the best they can, " doesn't mean it's

ok.

> > If a husband hits his wife and says, " honey, I'm doing the best

I

> > can, " that does not make it ok, right???? AHHH!!! Use reason,

woman!

> > Use reason!

> >

> > She also said it was ok that she called my MIL (to talk about

me)

> > because " they're friends. " they aren't. They talk once in a

while

> > b/c they are in-laws and have a grandkid in common. They aren't

> > friends.

> >

> > You know, I could type forever b/c our phone call was an hour

and

> > that entire hour was about her justifying her behavior and me

> > calling her on it, saying it wasn't fair to me (her reply, by

the

> > way, was " Life isn't fair. " Nice mom, real nice.) The long and

the

> > short of it is that things are brewing and I see a blow out

coming.

> >

> > This is what I need your advice on: I feel like I am at a

crossroads

> > b/c I could continue this rocky relationship, which involves her

> > flipping out everytime I pick someone over her (this year,

> > guardianship. Last year, it was about who was in the delivery

room

> > with me). I can't keep doing this. I can't keep walking on

eggshells

> > and waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to flip out.

> >

> > What do I do? I hate the thought of just ending our

relationship,

> > but I can't keep this up, knowing that things are fine on the

> > surface but as soon as I, according to her, " blindsight her and

hurt

> > her deeply, " she feels totally in the right to do stuff like

hang

> > up, not call for a month, call my MIL, then blame me and say I

just

> > don't understand but I will when I'm her age. I'm going nuts.

She's

> > driving me nuts.

> >

> > Advice, please!!!!!

> >

>