(thanks, Trish)Re: need advice! my nada finally called me....

[Guest guest]

Grace, of course the things you're requiring are justified. You

shouldn't even have to ask your nada for some of these things, so

please don't feel bad about setting down some boundries with her. I

remember my therapist once when I was talking about a BPD-style

colleague and how I hated setting boundaries with him. He said,

" these people don't do very well in environments without boundaries. "

I realized then that setting boundaries is kind of a way of helping

the BP out--providing boundaries for him or her. You're being a good

daughter by doing that for your mom. If she reacts badly, that's her

choice. Although I definitely understand the stress of going through

all the adult-style tantrums. YUCK!

Keep your chin up!

Trish

> > >

> > > Hello all... I just wanted to update you on my situation with

> nada.

> > > I've been away from the computer for a couple of days, dealing

> with

> > > my thoughts, etc.

> > >

> > > She called me for the first time in a month. For those who don't

> > > know, we were talking a month ago, the subjec turned to

> guardianship

> > > of my toddler if something happens to my hubby and me. His folks

> > > would raise her. My nada got so upset that she hung up on me and

> > > didn't call for a month.

> > >

> > > Ok, so she clld 2 days ago. She has two sides to her when she is

> on

> > > conflict... one is the sweet, supposedly humble and peacemaking

> > > woman who just wants " peace between us, " as she said. She speaks

> > > softly, listens, and cries sometimes. Also uses guilt trips,

> layed

> > > out in such a way as to explain how rough her life has been and

> how

> > > she needs me, or needs me to understand her and her needs. (The

> > > other side is the angry, sarcastic, nasty woman who explodes

> like

> > > you would not believe.) I dealt (mostly) with this side of her,

> the

> > > one who makes it sound like she is this martyr of a mother whose

> > > daughter treats her so poorly, when all she wants is to move on

> from

> > > our last conversation that ended in her hanging up on me.

> > >

> > > She won't apologize for hanging up on me and not calling for a

> > > month. She said I could've clld, and I said hey, I don't call

> people

> > > back when they hang up on me... this is one of my boundaries and

> I

> > > told her this, that if she decides to hang up on me, she needs

> to be

> > > the one to call me back. She was upset, saying I

> was " demanding. "

> > > She doesn't like boundaries at ALL. She also said she can't

> > > apologize for hanging up on me b/c she did " the best she could, "

> and

> > > had to b/c otherwise she would've said things she would have

> > > regretted.

> > >

> > > Ok, just b/c someone does " the best they can, " doesn't mean it's

> ok.

> > > If a husband hits his wife and says, " honey, I'm doing the best

> I

> > > can, " that does not make it ok, right???? AHHH!!! Use reason,

> woman!

> > > Use reason!

> > >

> > > She also said it was ok that she called my MIL (to talk about

> me)

> > > because " they're friends. " they aren't. They talk once in a

> while

> > > b/c they are in-laws and have a grandkid in common. They aren't

> > > friends.

> > >

> > > You know, I could type forever b/c our phone call was an hour

> and

> > > that entire hour was about her justifying her behavior and me

> > > calling her on it, saying it wasn't fair to me (her reply, by

> the

> > > way, was " Life isn't fair. " Nice mom, real nice.) The long and

> the

> > > short of it is that things are brewing and I see a blow out

> coming.

> > >

> > > This is what I need your advice on: I feel like I am at a

> crossroads

> > > b/c I could continue this rocky relationship, which involves her

> > > flipping out everytime I pick someone over her (this year,

> > > guardianship. Last year, it was about who was in the delivery

> room

> > > with me). I can't keep doing this. I can't keep walking on

> eggshells

> > > and waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to flip out.

> > >

> > > What do I do? I hate the thought of just ending our

> relationship,

> > > but I can't keep this up, knowing that things are fine on the

> > > surface but as soon as I, according to her, " blindsight her and

> hurt

> > > her deeply, " she feels totally in the right to do stuff like

> hang

> > > up, not call for a month, call my MIL, then blame me and say I

> just

> > > don't understand but I will when I'm her age. I'm going nuts.

> She's

> > > driving me nuts.

> > >

> > > Advice, please!!!!!

> > >

> >

>