Re: Grandma died this morning -Advice?

[Guest guest]

So sorry about your Grandma.

My Nada did the same thing. I had to find out from my cousin when

my favorite uncle died. Of course, Nada had split him into evil and

didn't want anything to do with him.

Gosh, what is wrong with these BP.. They have a STONE HEART~!~~

>

> Well, for those of you who remember, my 90 year old Grandmother has

> been ailing for some time. She died this morning. Nada has not

> even bothered to break N/C to call and give me this news. I heard

> from a sympathetic uncle who knows about the silent treatment. (He

> reported that he's getting it from my nada, too!) Part of the

> reason for N/C is that nada wanted lots of pity from everyone for

> taking care of her 90 year old mother. She used it as an excuse to

> not show up for gatherings, ignore birthdays, etc. I got tired of

> it and didn't rush in to fill the void created by her

famous " silent

> treatment " of me. The natural consequence of that was N/C.

>

> Now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD into a

> downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

dishrag

> has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although, granted,

> the morning is still young.

>

> Any advice from anyone who's weathered the death of another family

> member during N/C? I remember the " funerals " thread recently --

> that was helpful, because I knew this was coming.

>

> Grandma's death was a blessing. Her body was shutting down, and

she

> couldn't do anything she loved to do anymore. Even getting out of

> bed was too taxing on her lungs. It was time. It was peaceful,

for

> which I'm grateful.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your kind words -- I'm free to remember grandma as she

was when she wasn't so hobbled by a failing body. Fada called, I

called back and spoke with nada. She's hysterical, but I expressed

my condolences and got off the phone. She couldn't talk --

literally couldn't form the words -- so I left her to it.

>

> Well, for those of you who remember, my 90 year old Grandmother

has

> been ailing for some time. She died this morning. Nada has not

> even bothered to break N/C to call and give me this news. I heard

> from a sympathetic uncle who knows about the silent treatment.

(He

> reported that he's getting it from my nada, too!) Part of the

> reason for N/C is that nada wanted lots of pity from everyone for

> taking care of her 90 year old mother. She used it as an excuse

to

> not show up for gatherings, ignore birthdays, etc. I got tired of

> it and didn't rush in to fill the void created by her

famous " silent

> treatment " of me. The natural consequence of that was N/C.

>

> Now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD into a

> downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

dishrag

> has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although, granted,

> the morning is still young.

>

> Any advice from anyone who's weathered the death of another family

> member during N/C? I remember the " funerals " thread recently --

> that was helpful, because I knew this was coming.

>

> Grandma's death was a blessing. Her body was shutting down, and

she

> couldn't do anything she loved to do anymore. Even getting out of

> bed was too taxing on her lungs. It was time. It was peaceful,

for

> which I'm grateful.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/16/2007 9:34:25 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

kylaboo728@... writes:

now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD into a

downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor dishrag

has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although, granted,

the morning is still young.

I know that when my Nada died, she definitely went into a tailspin. She

started wearing my grandmother's clothes, poured over all her papers and

documents, crying, and probably trying to figure out the enigma that was my

grandmother. She couldn't part with any of her things. I never saw my Nada so

upset. I

didn't know what to do then, and I don't even know what to tell you. She

eventually came out of it. She didn't get rid of any of my Grandmother's things

until she moved to Myrtle Beach, and I remember her remarking about how she

felt so awful " throwing her mother's things away " (Mind you, she had been dead

for 17 years already).She finally had to throw out the decrepit foot stool,

the tattered sweater, all the things that she couldn't justify paying a mover

to move 1000 miles away.

I know my Nada really played up her role of the victim in the loss of her

mother, in a most grandiose way. I almost expected her to throw herself on the

casket as they lowered it into the ground. I was also quite creeped out at

how she was stroking my embalmed grandmother's hand, over and over again, and

she made me touch her hand too, something I really didn't want to do. Ugh.

The memories.

I am so sorry for your loss. Good luck in the upcoming days and weeks with

dealing with your Nada

Dawn A.

[Guest guest]

Dawn -- thanks for the kind words. You might have seen my update

where I finally did talk to nada and she was hysterical --

whimpering like a little child who's crying so hard they're taking

those hiccupping, choppy breaths while trying to talk. She said " I

don't know what to do! "

I hate to sound this way, but her display only made me think " My

goodness, you're laying it on thick, aren't you? " Her tears don't

move me at all. Her two brothers -- who, of course, also lost their

mother -- were more calm, more accepting, more relieved that their

mother didn't have to suffer all the indignities anymore. They both

went to work after learning she died.

Grandmother is in a better place -- I can look back on her life in a

good way now, instead of picturing her in a nursing home. It was

time.

-Kyla

>

>

> In a message dated 2/16/2007 9:34:25 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> kylaboo728@... writes:

>

> now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD into

a

> downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

dishrag

> has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although,

granted,

> the morning is still young.

>

>

>

>

> I know that when my Nada died, she definitely went into a

tailspin. She

> started wearing my grandmother's clothes, poured over all her

papers and

> documents, crying, and probably trying to figure out the enigma

that was my

> grandmother. She couldn't part with any of her things. I never saw

my Nada so upset. I

> didn't know what to do then, and I don't even know what to tell

you. She

> eventually came out of it. She didn't get rid of any of my

Grandmother's things

> until she moved to Myrtle Beach, and I remember her remarking

about how she

> felt so awful " throwing her mother's things away " (Mind you, she

had been dead

> for 17 years already).She finally had to throw out the decrepit

foot stool,

> the tattered sweater, all the things that she couldn't justify

paying a mover

> to move 1000 miles away.

>

> I know my Nada really played up her role of the victim in the

loss of her

> mother, in a most grandiose way. I almost expected her to throw

herself on the

> casket as they lowered it into the ground. I was also quite

creeped out at

> how she was stroking my embalmed grandmother's hand, over and

over again, and

> she made me touch her hand too, something I really didn't want to

do. Ugh.

> The memories.

>

> I am so sorry for your loss. Good luck in the upcoming days and

weeks with

> dealing with your Nada

> Dawn A.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Kyla. I'm way behind on posts, but just saw this thread and wanted to

express my sympathy for your loss. It sounds like you're in a good place about

it! When my grandmother passed, I had a similar sense that it really was her

time and found a lot of peace in knowing that.

It sounds like your nada's gotten a lot of mileage out your grandmother's

physical decline and is really playing her passing to the hilt. They're so

shameless -- it really IS all about them! Are you worried your nada will use

this to break NC? It might sound cold, but in a way this seems like an

opportunity to really own your decision, as you posted before that this is

something that had developed from her giving you the silent treatment.

Shana

---- Original Message -----

From: kylaboo728

Date: Sunday, February 18, 2007 8:24 pm

Subject: Re: Grandma died this morning -Advice?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Dawn -- thanks for the kind words. You might have seen my

> update

> where I finally did talk to nada and she was hysterical --

> whimpering like a little child who's crying so hard they're

> taking

> those hiccupping, choppy breaths while trying to talk. She said

> " I

> don't know what to do! "

>

> I hate to sound this way, but her display only made me think " My

> goodness, you're laying it on thick, aren't you? " Her tears

> don't

> move me at all. Her two brothers -- who, of course, also lost

> their

> mother -- were more calm, more accepting, more relieved that

> their

> mother didn't have to suffer all the indignities anymore. They

> both

> went to work after learning she died.

>

> Grandmother is in a better place -- I can look back on her life

> in a

> good way now, instead of picturing her in a nursing home. It

> was

> time.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 2/16/2007 9:34:25 A.M. Eastern Standard

> Time,

> > kylaboo728@... writes:

> >

> > now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> > University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD

> into

> a

> > downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

> dishrag

> > has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although,

> granted,

> > the morning is still young.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I know that when my Nada died, she definitely went into a

> tailspin. She

> > started wearing my grandmother's clothes, poured over all her

> papers and

> > documents, crying, and probably trying to figure out the

> enigma

> that was my

> > grandmother. She couldn't part with any of her things. I never

> saw

> my Nada so upset. I

> > didn't know what to do then, and I don't even know what to

> tell

> you. She

> > eventually came out of it. She didn't get rid of any of my

> Grandmother's things

> > until she moved to Myrtle Beach, and I remember her remarking

> about how she

> > felt so awful " throwing her mother's things away " (Mind you,

> she

> had been dead

> > for 17 years already).She finally had to throw out the

> decrepit

> foot stool,

> > the tattered sweater, all the things that she couldn't justify

>

> paying a mover

> > to move 1000 miles away.

> >

> > I know my Nada really played up her role of the victim in

> the

> loss of her

> > mother, in a most grandiose way. I almost expected her to

> throw

> herself on the

> > casket as they lowered it into the ground. I was also quite

> creeped out at

> > how she was stroking my embalmed grandmother's hand, over and

> over again, and

> > she made me touch her hand too, something I really didn't

> want to

> do. Ugh.

> > The memories.

> >

> > I am so sorry for your loss. Good luck in the upcoming days

> and

> weeks with

> > dealing with your Nada

> > Dawn A.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Kyla, I am sorry I did not post sooner. This topic was hard for me

to digest I read it the first few hours it was posted bu I could not

respond. Then I have not been on much the past few days but I have

been thinking about you and your situation. This is something I

worry about but it has not happened to me yet so I have no advice.

But it did happen to my best friend her mom is bp but they still

talk. She is my best friend and I felt like I did not know what to

tell her. Our grandmas were both having cancer at the same time but

mine was ok. I had a tear when she told me but I tried not to cry

too much because I knew we would both end up crying. We spent a day

together after it happened and talked about nothing maybe that was

better for both of us, I don't know. She did talk a little of the

foo drama. Anyways what she did in regards to her family, She just

flew into the country a few days after the funeral in order to miss

out on the drama and then she could still give her mom some comfort.

This also worked to her benefit because she knew her mom would not

be over bearing on her homecoming since her own mother just died. I

guess the trick is just to plan carefully.

As for you I don't know what to tell you I guess Shana's post was

very good. I am sorry for the loss of your grandma. And I am sorry

you had to deal with a hysterical mother but from the sounds of

things you did not play into it. Again I am sorry and I don't know

what to say. All my love lizzy

> > >

> > >

> > > In a message dated 2/16/2007 9:34:25 A.M. Eastern Standard

> > Time,

> > > kylaboo728@ writes:

> > >

> > > now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> > > University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD

> > into

> > a

> > > downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

> > dishrag

> > > has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although,

> > granted,

> > > the morning is still young.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I know that when my Nada died, she definitely went into a

> > tailspin. She

> > > started wearing my grandmother's clothes, poured over all her

> > papers and

> > > documents, crying, and probably trying to figure out the

> > enigma

> > that was my

> > > grandmother. She couldn't part with any of her things. I never

> > saw

> > my Nada so upset. I

> > > didn't know what to do then, and I don't even know what to

> > tell

> > you. She

> > > eventually came out of it. She didn't get rid of any of my

> > Grandmother's things

> > > until she moved to Myrtle Beach, and I remember her remarking

> > about how she

> > > felt so awful " throwing her mother's things away " (Mind you,

> > she

> > had been dead

> > > for 17 years already).She finally had to throw out the

> > decrepit

> > foot stool,

> > > the tattered sweater, all the things that she couldn't justify

> >

> > paying a mover

> > > to move 1000 miles away.

> > >

> > > I know my Nada really played up her role of the victim in

> > the

> > loss of her

> > > mother, in a most grandiose way. I almost expected her to

> > throw

> > herself on the

> > > casket as they lowered it into the ground. I was also quite

> > creeped out at

> > > how she was stroking my embalmed grandmother's hand, over and

> > over again, and

> > > she made me touch her hand too, something I really didn't

> > want to

> > do. Ugh.

> > > The memories.

> > >

> > > I am so sorry for your loss. Good luck in the upcoming days

> > and

> > weeks with

> > > dealing with your Nada

> > > Dawn A.

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hey, Shana -- glad you wrote -- Yes, she's playing it to the hilt.

Which makes me not want to go be with her. In a more normal

situation, I would take a meal over -- but I'm reluctant to go to

the dark, grieving " cave " . I thought about bringing my daughter as

a buffer. Overall, I just don't want to visit: fada is still

furious with me for suggesting nada needs help, and nada is looking

for an audience. And I feel terrible for saying that!

I feel terrible for not wanting to go to someone who has lost her

mother. But God took grandma as slowly as he could -- she lingered

for years and went from one medical crisis to another. There was

ample warning, and my nada is the only one who seems to be acting

like grandma was in perfect health and was suddenly hit by a bus.

It's surreal.

My DH says " Don't think there's been a seminal change just because

your grandma died -- your parents are still the same. " He's right.

And I think you make a good point that nada and fada probably think

that this death will break my desire for NC, and make me look bad.

But I just don't want to go over there.

-Kyla

> > >

> > >

> > > In a message dated 2/16/2007 9:34:25 A.M. Eastern Standard

> > Time,

> > > kylaboo728@ writes:

> > >

> > > now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> > > University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD

> > into

> > a

> > > downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

> > dishrag

> > > has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although,

> > granted,

> > > the morning is still young.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I know that when my Nada died, she definitely went into a

> > tailspin. She

> > > started wearing my grandmother's clothes, poured over all her

> > papers and

> > > documents, crying, and probably trying to figure out the

> > enigma

> > that was my

> > > grandmother. She couldn't part with any of her things. I never

> > saw

> > my Nada so upset. I

> > > didn't know what to do then, and I don't even know what to

> > tell

> > you. She

> > > eventually came out of it. She didn't get rid of any of my

> > Grandmother's things

> > > until she moved to Myrtle Beach, and I remember her remarking

> > about how she

> > > felt so awful " throwing her mother's things away " (Mind you,

> > she

> > had been dead

> > > for 17 years already).She finally had to throw out the

> > decrepit

> > foot stool,

> > > the tattered sweater, all the things that she couldn't justify

> >

> > paying a mover

> > > to move 1000 miles away.

> > >

> > > I know my Nada really played up her role of the victim in

> > the

> > loss of her

> > > mother, in a most grandiose way. I almost expected her to

> > throw

> > herself on the

> > > casket as they lowered it into the ground. I was also quite

> > creeped out at

> > > how she was stroking my embalmed grandmother's hand, over and

> > over again, and

> > > she made me touch her hand too, something I really didn't

> > want to

> > do. Ugh.

> > > The memories.

> > >

> > > I am so sorry for your loss. Good luck in the upcoming days

> > and

> > weeks with

> > > dealing with your Nada

> > > Dawn A.

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Lizzy -- No need to apologize! And thank you for the kind words. I

feel very peaceful about grandma's passing. She's been in my

thoughts since Friday -- and I am feeling the urge to fly back for a

memorial service and walk into her house that she and grampa lived

in for 50 years -- one last time. That will have the most meaning

for me. My uncle said I could pick out the keepsakes I want to take

with me to remember her. Both of my uncles have been great. Nada

is the only one mired in misery. Then the house will be sold and we

all get back to our lives. Only nada hasn't built a life for

herself -- I don't think it's just grandma she's crying over. She

has no identity now. Nothing to get back to. She's burned a lot of

bridges and hasn't ventured out to fulfill any passions or interests

of her own.

I didn't want my thoughts and reflections of grandma to be trampled

on by a hysterical nada. I've had a very peaceful feeling. Maybe

that's the point to this whole thing: keeping -- and fighting to

maintain -- inner peace. I think honoring and remembering grandma

is the first priority.

-Kyla

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > In a message dated 2/16/2007 9:34:25 A.M. Eastern Standard

> > > Time,

> > > > kylaboo728@ writes:

> > > >

> > > > now what? I remember reading on a BPD website at Stanford

> > > > University that sometimes the death of a parent sends a BPD

> > > into

> > > a

> > > > downward spiral. I'm not sure what to do. Neither nada nor

> > > dishrag

> > > > has called to inform me of grandnada's death -- although,

> > > granted,

> > > > the morning is still young.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I know that when my Nada died, she definitely went into a

> > > tailspin. She

> > > > started wearing my grandmother's clothes, poured over all

her

> > > papers and

> > > > documents, crying, and probably trying to figure out the

> > > enigma

> > > that was my

> > > > grandmother. She couldn't part with any of her things. I

never

> > > saw

> > > my Nada so upset. I

> > > > didn't know what to do then, and I don't even know what to

> > > tell

> > > you. She

> > > > eventually came out of it. She didn't get rid of any of my

> > > Grandmother's things

> > > > until she moved to Myrtle Beach, and I remember her

remarking

> > > about how she

> > > > felt so awful " throwing her mother's things away " (Mind you,

> > > she

> > > had been dead

> > > > for 17 years already).She finally had to throw out the

> > > decrepit

> > > foot stool,

> > > > the tattered sweater, all the things that she couldn't

justify

> > >

> > > paying a mover

> > > > to move 1000 miles away.

> > > >

> > > > I know my Nada really played up her role of the victim in

> > > the

> > > loss of her

> > > > mother, in a most grandiose way. I almost expected her to

> > > throw

> > > herself on the

> > > > casket as they lowered it into the ground. I was also quite

> > > creeped out at

> > > > how she was stroking my embalmed grandmother's hand, over

and

> > > over again, and

> > > > she made me touch her hand too, something I really didn't

> > > want to

> > > do. Ugh.

> > > > The memories.

> > > >

> > > > I am so sorry for your loss. Good luck in the upcoming days

> > > and

> > > weeks with

> > > > dealing with your Nada

> > > > Dawn A.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >