Re: Is a low sex drive part of a KO thing?

[Guest guest]

> Anyone out there find his/her sex drive tied into the KO upbringing?

Not at all, myself. However, I once had a BP (ex-)friend with a BP mother

and dishrag father -- she was pretty clearly influenced by the specifics of

her upbringing and I wouldn;t be surprised if that is the norm.

-

[Guest guest]

I don't know if mine is rooted in being KO, but I have the same problem. My

sex drive is non existant, so is my brother's apparently. (Don't ask how I

know that... ugh) It started shortly after I married. It's wierd, Nada is a

nympho, I swear. (Don't ask how I know that, either. I'm sure you guys can

guess ). I think, in my own family, part of it comes from just having far

too much information about Nada and Fada's sex lives, especially Nada's after

they divorced. It kinda messes with your head, you know? And I was 12 at

the time, just barely hitting puberty... Plus, some inappropriateness with

some family members, it all kinda came to a head after I married. There's a

lot of pressure, too, from my Nada, to be the perfect wife and mother. (Like

she was... HA!) So I understand that pressure, and with everything else to

do, sex can fall at the bottom of the list. I try not to do that (my poor

husband!), but it happens, a lot. Ask him, and our sex lives are the #1

problem

in our marriage.

Kristi

[Guest guest]

a and All,

Thanks for the unusual topic. For me, my nada and

fada’s Puritanical attitudes toward sex didn’t

directly affect my libido, but they sure did affect my

attitudes about what sex was about, how women think

about sex, how to treat a woman in bed, and what they

like! They communicated a lot of FOG (fear,

obligation and guilt) to me in their rare references

about sex. When I long ago realized that they were

wrong about all of that, I felt a much freer and

joyful person – and so did the women I was with.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- baast2play wrote:

> Anyone out there find his/her sex drive tied into

> the KO upbringing?

>

> My drive has been really low for the last 5 years or

> so, basically

> once I two years into my marriage when I started to

> trying to live up

> to images of being a wife and mother and homemaker.

> I'm not sure

> where all the images come from, but I'm sure lots of

> it is tied into Nada.

>

> Anyone have any thoughts?

>

> a

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

H All, I personally do not struggle on this area but if my memory

serves me, I think I may recall seeing something about this on the

board maybe a year or so ago. I don't think it was the main topic

but I think people were sharing tid bits.

One Non BP Man thank you for being so open and honest. That takes

courage and you explained your self with grace.

And for all the ladies (or guys) who worry about your spouse or SO,

I guess one thing dh and I did that really spiced things up was we

started to read books about the topic. It sounds weird but it really

helped. Keeping an open mind and research just like you would any

other topic! There are lots of good books out there to help you out.

Love Lizzy

>

> > Anyone out there find his/her sex drive tied into

> > the KO upbringing?

> >

> > My drive has been really low for the last 5 years or

> > so, basically

> > once I two years into my marriage when I started to

> > trying to live up

> > to images of being a wife and mother and homemaker.

> > I'm not sure

> > where all the images come from, but I'm sure lots of

> > it is tied into Nada.

> >

> > Anyone have any thoughts?

> >

> > a

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

a,

I saw this topic and haven't had a chance to reply. I think Greg is

right in that all that input when we were kids affects every aspect of

our lives. I got lots of negative input about women's bodies, sex in

general etc. Now I'm not sure about the whole journaling thing as

there are some things that are a little much to put in my journal. I

might be tempted to burn it afterwords, and that would be a bummer as

the one I am using now is really cool! Another thing I have wondered

is that at least in my case, I had a lot of physical damage. Both

directly from abuse and more subtle. The medical neglect, the stress

and trauma and the affects it must have had and the later affects of

PTSD. I have found that when I take better care of my body, my libido

is much better. I think my body has just been through so much and I

need to really nurture it - taking vitamins (surprisingly it makes a

big difference for me), exercise, yoga, journaling, meditation. All of

those things make my body feel better, and I guess when your body feels

better it responds better in all areas.

I had no desire whatsoever when I was being treated for PTSD. When I

was pretty far along that path, my T gave me a book about various

things to do to comfort yourself - all kinds of ideas for self

nurturing. Then she gave me a book for couples that was just things to

do to " play " together that were physical but not necessarily sexual. I

have found that when my dh and I connect in other areas of our lives,

it really helps our love life.

One other thought. With all the trauma that my body has been through,

I have had a couple of physical issues that also affect libido. I had

post partum hypothyroid. I even had bloodwork done and my doc said it

was ok, but she was going with the old parameters. I was at 4.3 and

the new parameters say to treat if it goes over 3. By the time I found

that out, I was back to 2.8 and felt much better. I also have dealt

with chronic pain for various injuries, sometimes for a few years at a

time. When I am sick or in pain, my libido is nil. There are several

other physical things that can affect libido, so it might help to check

with your OB/GYN. After my children were born, I went in a couple of

times. My OB has a similar situation to mine with her children, so we

can really relate. She said that motherhood really can affect things,

especially because you are so tired all the time. She said the sexiest

thing her husband ever did for her was to take out the trash! LOL And

to let her sleep in one night each weekend so she could recharge. I

told my dh and he has let me sleep in every Saturday since then.

I think maybe this is an issue for a lot of people, but as KOs we have

added issues that affect it. I'll be interested to see what everyone

else thinks about it. I'm glad you brought it up.

fresabird

> a,

>

> Thank you for bringing up such an important topic. I'll put a pot of

> coffee on and we'll discuss. ;o)

>

> One of my favorite quotes is from this very well known quantum

> physicist. She says that " a man sees a beautiful woman and his member

> gets hard. It wasn't a touch that brought him to arousal, it was a

> single thought. " Like all aspects of our lives, sex is in our brains.

> So that explains to me why my past experiences have made me take a

> step back and go, " Every verbal and physical message I got from my

> mother and father regarding sex, their fights about sex, their sexual

> life that they inappropriately told me about (like I could fix it),

> the abuse itself, all filled my little, precious childhood brain with

> their insanity with sex, sex roles, and relationships = how they never

> work b/c someone will always cheat and leave, etc. Absolutely, a.

> I would ask you what were the sexual roles; those " images " that you

> see know tell you now that you are a grown up? I'm going to joural

> mine. And even before I do that, I just thought of some, and felt

> this headache come on, and

> an angry feeling at how insane their messages were. So just by

> thinking directly about what they crammed in my head, caused a

> headache. I don't feel very sexy right now. LOL.

>

> Party Mass and Party Safely,

>

> Greg.

>

>

> Is a low sex drive part of a KO thing?

>

> Anyone out there find his/her sex drive tied into the KO upbringing?

>

> My drive has been really low for the last 5 years or so, basically

> once I two years into my marriage when I started to trying to live up

> to images of being a wife and mother and homemaker. I'm not sure

> where all the images come from, but I'm sure lots of it is tied into

> Nada.

>

> Anyone have any thoughts?

>

> a

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Hi a,

This is a major issue for me at the moment. I feel sure it must be

tied into my childhood somehow and am hoping to try to figure

something out soon (seeing a psychologist for the first time tomorrow

on this issue, actually - as well as other BPD-mom issues).

It's really difficult as I'm with a very supportive partner at the

moment (together 5 1/2 years) and it is unfortunately putting some

pressure on our relationship. He's been so lovely right from the

beginning with all the issues I've had and he has put up with such a

lot so I really hope I can sort this out.

The only thing I can think is that it has something to do with having

trouble trusting people that I am intimate/close to and the feelings

of suffocation I had growing up with a nada who wanted to take me

over. It's like I can't really stand having someone get that close to

me (how much closer can you get than that?) I also sometimes have

trouble with just general physical closeness - sometimes being on a

really crowded train or bus makes me feel claustrophobic.

Not sure really...

.

> >

> > > Anyone out there find his/her sex drive tied into

> > > the KO upbringing?

> > >

> > > My drive has been really low for the last 5 years or

> > > so, basically

> > > once I two years into my marriage when I started to

> > > trying to live up

> > > to images of being a wife and mother and homemaker.

> > > I'm not sure

> > > where all the images come from, but I'm sure lots of

> > > it is tied into Nada.

> > >

> > > Anyone have any thoughts?

> > >

> > > a

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >