Re: New to group too

[Guest guest]

> Thank you Greg,

> That was lovely.

>

> Happy New Year to you,

>

New to group too

Hey everyone,

I've been lurking for about a month and I've been trying to get my

first post out of my head and onto the keyboard. It's so hard to

summarize but I'll try. You all probably have been there.

Really, I've truly been lucky because I grew up an only child with my

Mom and Dad and I had a great childhood. None of the abuse, and all

the stuff you hear about with a bpd parent. Looking back, there were

certainly signs, but nothing that couldn't be chalked up to " quirky "

and " REALLY difficult " at the time.

That started to change when my first daughter was born almost 7 years

ago. That was really the turning point for my Mom (I'm still not used

to the " nada " thing yet, although I'm sure I'll get there). That

shift in identity when I became a Mom must have caused her to slip

further into bpd.

There were various episodes, mostly of the splitting - I'm the all-

bad daughter from hell, how dare I ...blah blah blah- history get

rewritten according to my Mom variety- progressively worse and coming

to a head right after my Dad died of cancer earlier this year.

He was the buffer. After he was gone, everything came to light

because he wasn't there to cover for her. The enormous debts racked

up. The rage when she didn't get her way. The paranoia. The It's-All-

About-Me! Alternating between the waif and the witch. Now that I know

more about bpd, I'm so sad for him that he didn't get a chance to see

her issues for what they really are, I think he felt terribly guilty

and sad that he could't make her happy.

I had not even heard of bpd until I got her to the ER after agonizing

over what I thought might be a bipolar episode right after my Dad's

death, and she announces to the intake social worker that she was

diagnosed with bpd over 15 years ago. A-wha? SERIOUSLY?? You've got

to be kidding me. All that time when I had tried to help her when I

realized something was REALLY wrong and then having her rage and

guilt and woe-is-me and then rage some more and then rewrite the

whole thing so I was this miserable excuse for a daughter. She knew

she had problems and never did a damn thing about it, instead blamed

everyone else on the planet close to her when they tried to help. It

was a shock and a blessing because now I knew what to call her

monster behavior.

She still has not buried my Dad's ashes and very probably won't tell

me or my husband or kids, who were especially close to him, when and

if she chooses to do it. He and everything about him are her

posession. It is only her loss. Never, since he has died, did she

ever ask me how I was doing. She has played up her grief for everyone

(is hoovered the term?) and wrapped them all up in her little spell

of the sad little cast-out widow.

The worst part of the story is what happened after the hospital trip.

We actually lived next-door, duplex-style to my parents. The

agreement between the four of us was that my husband and I would buy

the whole 2 family house with only us on the mortgage and carry the

debt with the promise that my folks would pay it down when they sold

their house. Stupid looking back on it, but who in the normal world

doesn't trust their parents? Well, My Dad got sick, most of the money

went to their (read my mother's) almost six-figure debt that my

husband and I did't know about, and understandably my uninsured Dad's

medical bills. Fine. Life happens. We really had to either sell the

house or lose the house, and my husband and I chose to sell because

we just couldn't figure out a way to keep it. We had talked to my

parents about this for a while but my Mom conveniently forgot this.

She wanted to call Oprah to ask for money to keep the house. She

wanted my husband and I to work many extra jobs so she could spend

her day sleeping and not working. Working was too hard for her. When

we told her no, she had a vicious, nasty, full-blown hissy fit that

lasted three months. She sold my Grandmother' s house during this time

(I actually did all of the work there), kept the money hidden from

her brother and his family (another horror story there), and turned

around and told us that the agreement about the house was between me

and my Dad and he was dead, so she did not have to honor it. She

walked away with over $200,000 and left us with an enormous amount of

debt that actually originated with her. We just filed for bankruptcy.

Did I mention we have three little kids and 5 jobs between us? This

has been a truly humbling year.

I have been NC with my mom since July. She does email the kids and

talk to them on the phone once a month or so. My husband, out of the

kindness of his heart, deals with her so I don't have to. He knows

her for what she is, and he's pretty horrified too. She will never

see her part in this. She will never apologize. She will live in the

world that she has created where she has done no wrong - the World's

Biggest Victim - and she will annihilate anyone who disagrees with

her or doesn't do what she wants. She has told everyone who will

listen what horrible people we are. Rewritten the events of the last

year to her benefit. I know she's in pain and I'm so sad for her that

she can't see beyond her disorder, but enough crap is enough crap.

Life is much better now, mostly because my husband and I took back

control of our lives from the monster that once ruled it from next

door. My mom moved 100 miles away back to her hometown (and a lot of

my Dad's family) and she pretty much hates me and is most likely

waiting for me to tell her how sorry I am for wronging her (her list

of wrongs I've committed grows and changes daily, I'm sure). I love

my Mom and wish her peace but I really don't want any part of her

life right now. In fact, I think I'd be okay if this NC thing lasted

indefinitely. I'm so NOT a cold person, and I feel sad about NC, but

survival and happiness for me and my family is so much more

important. I choose happiness and time to grow my family and grieve

my Dad. I don't know what time will bring in terms of my Mom.

I'm so grateful I found this group! I've cried and laughed and

thought good thoughts for you all as I've read the posts and been

comforted that I'm not the only one. I just wanted to thank you all

for sharing and I thought it was time to finally share back:)

Holy long post! Sorry it took so many words to tell the story.

Thanks!

O.

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