Re: Re: New to group too

[Guest guest]

Hi Kenzmadie,

It was actually your initial post that inspired me to post. I'm so sorry about

your Dad and how your Mom made such a difficult situation so much worse for you

and your siblings. Not being able to have some kind of closure with him before

he died must have been painful all around. Some way, some how, he must have

known how loved he was, even if your mother's intervention prevented you all

from saying so in person.

The interesting thing I've been finding is that since my Dad's been gone, it

does feel liberating because she doesn't have him to try to use against me, that

sounds like it happened in a very similar way with you. She's lost her power

over my little family and the only thing she can do now is spread the nasty

rumors to the extended family and beyond. Thankfully, the people my husband and

I are close to and know us well know that my mother's stories could never be

true.

About the obituary thing, it's funny how everything turns into " all about me. " I

was the one who did the funeral for my Dad, and at the time, my mom and I were

still somewhat getting along, and she still insisted on HER favorite songs,

readings, etc... because it was HER time for grief. One of the lovely things

that did happen though was my 4-year-old and 5-year-old getting up in front of

the whole church and telling everyone " The top 10 things we love about Pop. " We

were and still are really involved with the hospice and social workers where we

are and it was such a great thing for them to be able to do that.

One big downside to losing my Dad and having a Mom with bpd is feeling like I

lost my only parent. This orphan thing feels strange when you are not

technically an orphan. We've created a great " family " of friends who have been

invaluable, one being my kid's " honorary " grandmother. She has been so good to

my kids, and me, knowing the full scope of the situation (and that my husband's

parents have been gone for about 10 years now, too).

It's interesting grieving the loss of my Dad while grieving the loss of my Mom

too. I was in therapy for most of last year in " anticipatory " grief surrounding

my Dad before he died, but found myself really grieving the loss of my Mom and

the times when she was good to me. I'm not ready to go off NC though- for me,

it's been such a blessing. I'm just not ready to make it NC for my kids. How do

you explain everything that's happened to someone so small without you looking

like the bad guy? It's such a struggle though. I'm just glad she has not made

such an impact on their lives that they miss her and want to talk to her all the

time. She emails them or calls once a month or so, and that works for them, for

now.

Hope you have a good new year and thanks for your post,

Re: New to group too

Hi , I read your post with interest. It reminded me of my own

actions in the past that I would rather forget (encouraging my

parents to rent an apartment upstairs from me for instance...) . My

mother " cycles " and when she is fairly good, she's fairly good, and I

think I tend to want to forget, as unbelievable as that sounds. I,

unlike her, am an incredibly forgiving person, but it's past that

now. Your mom seems to have caused an incredible amount of damage to

you emotionally and financially. I hope you don't want to " forget "

that. I also read with interest the difference since your father

died. My mother kept my father hostage while he was alive. He was a

very passive man but a good, kind, man (thank God we had him). He

was also very dependent on her which probably explains why he spent

47 years with a woman he would actively curse about in her absence in

front of his kids. But, when we had a " blow out " with her, my father

was included in that mix. I remember sending him a father's day card

and she wrote in red ink all over the front of the envelope " RETURN

TO SENDER " . I wonder if he even knew it arrived. I doubt it. I do

regret that I never had the chance to really speak with him in his

last days when she wasn't around to tell him how much his children

loved and respected him and how all those things were never about

him. God knows what she told him. But, she doesn't have him to hold

as hostage anymore as he died 5 years ago. And I think she knows

that she can't play that card anymore. I think she knew how much

that got to all of us and now she has lost some power. My mother

played up the grief also. She wrote an incredible obituary (which in

retrospect was more about HER than HIM) where she claimed to have had

9 children (she had 5, one died an hour after birth, my brother died

when he was 24, and now there is the three of us) but she was

counting 4 miscarriages. She actually NAMED them in the obituary and

included them in the same sentence in which my brother, who spent 24

years on this earth, was mentioned. I was ashamed that people I knew

had read it and wondered what they thought. I was hoping that his

absence would improve her behavior a bit but it really hasn't. It's

just going to be easier when we eventually have no contact because

I've already lost my father. Glad you posted. Thanks.

>

> Hey everyone,

>

> I've been lurking for about a month and I've been trying to get my

> first post out of my head and onto the keyboard. It's so hard to

> summarize but I'll try. You all probably have been there.

>

> Really, I've truly been lucky because I grew up an only child with

my

> Mom and Dad and I had a great childhood. None of the abuse, and all

> the stuff you hear about with a bpd parent. Looking back, there

were

> certainly signs, but nothing that couldn't be chalked up

to " quirky "

> and " REALLY difficult " at the time.

>

> That started to change when my first daughter was born almost 7

years

> ago. That was really the turning point for my Mom (I'm still not

used

> to the " nada " thing yet, although I'm sure I'll get there). That

> shift in identity when I became a Mom must have caused her to slip

> further into bpd.

>

> There were various episodes, mostly of the splitting - I'm the all-

> bad daughter from hell, how dare I ...blah blah blah- history get

> rewritten according to my Mom variety- progressively worse and

coming

> to a head right after my Dad died of cancer earlier this year.

>

> He was the buffer. After he was gone, everything came to light

> because he wasn't there to cover for her. The enormous debts racked

> up. The rage when she didn't get her way. The paranoia. The It's-

All-

> About-Me! Alternating between the waif and the witch. Now that I

know

> more about bpd, I'm so sad for him that he didn't get a chance to

see

> her issues for what they really are, I think he felt terribly

guilty

> and sad that he could't make her happy.

>

> I had not even heard of bpd until I got her to the ER after

agonizing

> over what I thought might be a bipolar episode right after my Dad's

> death, and she announces to the intake social worker that she was

> diagnosed with bpd over 15 years ago. A-wha? SERIOUSLY?? You've got

> to be kidding me. All that time when I had tried to help her when I

> realized something was REALLY wrong and then having her rage and

> guilt and woe-is-me and then rage some more and then rewrite the

> whole thing so I was this miserable excuse for a daughter. She knew

> she had problems and never did a damn thing about it, instead

blamed

> everyone else on the planet close to her when they tried to help.

It

> was a shock and a blessing because now I knew what to call her

> monster behavior.

>

> She still has not buried my Dad's ashes and very probably won't

tell

> me or my husband or kids, who were especially close to him, when

and

> if she chooses to do it. He and everything about him are her

> posession. It is only her loss. Never, since he has died, did she

> ever ask me how I was doing. She has played up her grief for

everyone

> (is hoovered the term?) and wrapped them all up in her little spell

> of the sad little cast-out widow.

>

> The worst part of the story is what happened after the hospital

trip.

> We actually lived next-door, duplex-style to my parents. The

> agreement between the four of us was that my husband and I would

buy

> the whole 2 family house with only us on the mortgage and carry the

> debt with the promise that my folks would pay it down when they

sold

> their house. Stupid looking back on it, but who in the normal world

> doesn't trust their parents? Well, My Dad got sick, most of the

money

> went to their (read my mother's) almost six-figure debt that my

> husband and I did't know about, and understandably my uninsured

Dad's

> medical bills. Fine. Life happens. We really had to either sell the

> house or lose the house, and my husband and I chose to sell because

> we just couldn't figure out a way to keep it. We had talked to my

> parents about this for a while but my Mom conveniently forgot this.

> She wanted to call Oprah to ask for money to keep the house. She

> wanted my husband and I to work many extra jobs so she could spend

> her day sleeping and not working. Working was too hard for her.

When

> we told her no, she had a vicious, nasty, full-blown hissy fit that

> lasted three months. She sold my Grandmother' s house during this

time

> (I actually did all of the work there), kept the money hidden from

> her brother and his family (another horror story there), and turned

> around and told us that the agreement about the house was between

me

> and my Dad and he was dead, so she did not have to honor it. She

> walked away with over $200,000 and left us with an enormous amount

of

> debt that actually originated with her. We just filed for

bankruptcy.

> Did I mention we have three little kids and 5 jobs between us? This

> has been a truly humbling year.

>

> I have been NC with my mom since July. She does email the kids and

> talk to them on the phone once a month or so. My husband, out of

the

> kindness of his heart, deals with her so I don't have to. He knows

> her for what she is, and he's pretty horrified too. She will never

> see her part in this. She will never apologize. She will live in

the

> world that she has created where she has done no wrong - the

World's

> Biggest Victim - and she will annihilate anyone who disagrees with

> her or doesn't do what she wants. She has told everyone who will

> listen what horrible people we are. Rewritten the events of the

last

> year to her benefit. I know she's in pain and I'm so sad for her

that

> she can't see beyond her disorder, but enough crap is enough crap.

>

> Life is much better now, mostly because my husband and I took back

> control of our lives from the monster that once ruled it from next

> door. My mom moved 100 miles away back to her hometown (and a lot

of

> my Dad's family) and she pretty much hates me and is most likely

> waiting for me to tell her how sorry I am for wronging her (her

list

> of wrongs I've committed grows and changes daily, I'm sure). I love

> my Mom and wish her peace but I really don't want any part of her

> life right now. In fact, I think I'd be okay if this NC thing

lasted

> indefinitely. I'm so NOT a cold person, and I feel sad about NC,

but

> survival and happiness for me and my family is so much more

> important. I choose happiness and time to grow my family and grieve

> my Dad. I don't know what time will bring in terms of my Mom.

>

> I'm so grateful I found this group! I've cried and laughed and

> thought good thoughts for you all as I've read the posts and been

> comforted that I'm not the only one. I just wanted to thank you all

> for sharing and I thought it was time to finally share back:)

>

> Holy long post! Sorry it took so many words to tell the story.

>

> Thanks!

> O.

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> Kyla,

>

> Thank you for that lovely welcome. The interesting thing about my

mom's diagnosis is I think my grandma had bpd and that was the

reason that my mom entered therapy in the first place. It's funny

and sad that she doesn't see the same qualities in herself.

>

> Happy New Year,

>

Re: New to group too

Welcome, . So glad to have you join us. I agree with Greg --

don't apologize for length. I personally like to have the full

picture, especially when you're introducing yourself.

It's amazing that your mom was diagnosed so long ago -- she must

have had a therapist who diligently kept up with their profession,

because BPD hadn't been identified for long before that. But,

thanks to your mother's silence on the subject, you were denied the

information that might have helped you begin to cope sooner.

But in no way did I feel from your post that you're any sort of BAD

person for not wanting to associate with someone who could treat you

and your family so callously. Someone who refuses to see her role

as monster.

You are correct in your NC and you sound like you've got a good head

on your shoulders and are not hung up on the dollar amount that she

has basically swindled. It's just a number. Your sanity and

integrity are far more valuable than any amount of money on earth,

and you've got that in spades.

For what it's worth, I would be very careful about letting her back

in. You have the obligation to protect yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're on the right track.

Again, I say " Welcome " .

-Kyla

>

> Hey everyone,

>

> I've been lurking for about a month and I've been trying to get my

> first post out of my head and onto the keyboard. It's so hard to

> summarize but I'll try. You all probably have been there.

>

> Really, I've truly been lucky because I grew up an only child with

my

> Mom and Dad and I had a great childhood. None of the abuse, and

all

> the stuff you hear about with a bpd parent. Looking back, there

were

> certainly signs, but nothing that couldn't be chalked up

to " quirky "

> and " REALLY difficult " at the time.

>

> That started to change when my first daughter was born almost 7

years

> ago. That was really the turning point for my Mom (I'm still not

used

> to the " nada " thing yet, although I'm sure I'll get there). That

> shift in identity when I became a Mom must have caused her to slip

> further into bpd.

>

> There were various episodes, mostly of the splitting - I'm the all-

> bad daughter from hell, how dare I ...blah blah blah- history get

> rewritten according to my Mom variety- progressively worse and

coming

> to a head right after my Dad died of cancer earlier this year.

>

> He was the buffer. After he was gone, everything came to light

> because he wasn't there to cover for her. The enormous debts

racked

> up. The rage when she didn't get her way. The paranoia. The It's-

All-

> About-Me! Alternating between the waif and the witch. Now that I

know

> more about bpd, I'm so sad for him that he didn't get a chance to

see

> her issues for what they really are, I think he felt terribly

guilty

> and sad that he could't make her happy.

>

> I had not even heard of bpd until I got her to the ER after

agonizing

> over what I thought might be a bipolar episode right after my

Dad's

> death, and she announces to the intake social worker that she was

> diagnosed with bpd over 15 years ago. A-wha? SERIOUSLY?? You've

got

> to be kidding me. All that time when I had tried to help her when

I

> realized something was REALLY wrong and then having her rage and

> guilt and woe-is-me and then rage some more and then rewrite the

> whole thing so I was this miserable excuse for a daughter. She

knew

> she had problems and never did a damn thing about it, instead

blamed

> everyone else on the planet close to her when they tried to help.

It

> was a shock and a blessing because now I knew what to call her

> monster behavior.

>

> She still has not buried my Dad's ashes and very probably won't

tell

> me or my husband or kids, who were especially close to him, when

and

> if she chooses to do it. He and everything about him are her

> posession. It is only her loss. Never, since he has died, did she

> ever ask me how I was doing. She has played up her grief for

everyone

> (is hoovered the term?) and wrapped them all up in her little

spell

> of the sad little cast-out widow.

>

> The worst part of the story is what happened after the hospital

trip.

> We actually lived next-door, duplex-style to my parents. The

> agreement between the four of us was that my husband and I would

buy

> the whole 2 family house with only us on the mortgage and carry

the

> debt with the promise that my folks would pay it down when they

sold

> their house. Stupid looking back on it, but who in the normal

world

> doesn't trust their parents? Well, My Dad got sick, most of the

money

> went to their (read my mother's) almost six-figure debt that my

> husband and I did't know about, and understandably my uninsured

Dad's

> medical bills. Fine. Life happens. We really had to either sell

the

> house or lose the house, and my husband and I chose to sell

because

> we just couldn't figure out a way to keep it. We had talked to my

> parents about this for a while but my Mom conveniently forgot

this.

> She wanted to call Oprah to ask for money to keep the house. She

> wanted my husband and I to work many extra jobs so she could spend

> her day sleeping and not working. Working was too hard for her.

When

> we told her no, she had a vicious, nasty, full-blown hissy fit

that

> lasted three months. She sold my Grandmother' s house during this

time

> (I actually did all of the work there), kept the money hidden from

> her brother and his family (another horror story there), and

turned

> around and told us that the agreement about the house was between

me

> and my Dad and he was dead, so she did not have to honor it. She

> walked away with over $200,000 and left us with an enormous amount

of

> debt that actually originated with her. We just filed for

bankruptcy.

> Did I mention we have three little kids and 5 jobs between us?

This

> has been a truly humbling year.

>

> I have been NC with my mom since July. She does email the kids and

> talk to them on the phone once a month or so. My husband, out of

the

> kindness of his heart, deals with her so I don't have to. He knows

> her for what she is, and he's pretty horrified too. She will never

> see her part in this. She will never apologize. She will live in

the

> world that she has created where she has done no wrong - the

World's

> Biggest Victim - and she will annihilate anyone who disagrees with

> her or doesn't do what she wants. She has told everyone who will

> listen what horrible people we are. Rewritten the events of the

last

> year to her benefit. I know she's in pain and I'm so sad for her

that

> she can't see beyond her disorder, but enough crap is enough crap.

>

> Life is much better now, mostly because my husband and I took back

> control of our lives from the monster that once ruled it from next

> door. My mom moved 100 miles away back to her hometown (and a lot

of

> my Dad's family) and she pretty much hates me and is most likely

> waiting for me to tell her how sorry I am for wronging her (her

list

> of wrongs I've committed grows and changes daily, I'm sure). I

love

> my Mom and wish her peace but I really don't want any part of her

> life right now. In fact, I think I'd be okay if this NC thing

lasted

> indefinitely. I'm so NOT a cold person, and I feel sad about NC,

but

> survival and happiness for me and my family is so much more

> important. I choose happiness and time to grow my family and

grieve

> my Dad. I don't know what time will bring in terms of my Mom.

>

> I'm so grateful I found this group! I've cried and laughed and

> thought good thoughts for you all as I've read the posts and been

> comforted that I'm not the only one. I just wanted to thank you

all

> for sharing and I thought it was time to finally share back:)

>

> Holy long post! Sorry it took so many words to tell the story.

>

> Thanks!

> O.

>

__________________________________________________