Touching base after a while

[Guest guest]

Hi All, I realized I just kind of popped in on the board again

without any re-introduction. I started posting this Fall and fade in

and out - read the collection of postings that come to my inbox, but

only post periodically.

I am in my early 40s with a ndBPD mother and enabling (hate to say

dishrag but I know its true) father. My mother has always been

depressed, prone to rages and crying fits, for which I was

responsible to work her out of. She limited relationships with

extended family and continually brought one of my siblings in as her

confidant and ostricized the others. There were some good times

(parts of days), but they were always at her mercy, and ended when

something didn't go her way. She would cry, threaten suicide,

retreat to her room in hysterics, and I would go to console her until

she would re-emerge and we would continue with they day as though

everything was fine and beautiful.

It is the acting as though all is fine that put knots in my stomach.

I hated the hysterics but mainly because I knew it would be followed

by consoling and caressing and then pretending.

I felt singularly responsible for my parents happiness until a few

years ago. Knots and pangs in my stomach since high school. Guilt

that I went to school, established a career, had fun experiences and

moved away and did not center my life on keeping my parents buoyant.

Every step away I made was done with tears and guilt and grief.

Now, I go to their house or have them to mine (half the country away)

and at either place, cook, pamper, and arrange activities I think are

likely to keep my mother happy. When no one but my husband and I are

with my parents, I can control the situation and my mother thinks she

has had a good visit and is in a close family. But, as soon as my

sibs are around or my mother is otherwise not the center of attention

or I do not act sufficiently close to her, etc. all hell breaks

lose. Jealousy, accusations, weighiness and darkness.

Until recently, I thought I was going to save my father from her

wrath, since he was so often the subject of it. He seems so

miserable and lonely most of them time. But he doesn't leave and

still encourages me to accomodate my mother. I now question the role

my father plays in all this too. Both of them have " needed " me and I

have uncomfortable feelings around both of them - that they want too

much and things for which they should not be looking to me. I think

my father loved me, but how does that play with him sending me to lay

with and console my hysterical mother from the time I was barely in

kindergarden?

I am now meeting with a therapist, which seems extravagent to me

since I am reasonably stable and productive. But the lack of

parenting I experienced still plays into my way of thinking and

living. I am gaining perspective and learning skills from the

therapist (an M.A. / LPC with knowledge of BPD) that I feel will help

me live fuller. Mainly, I am becoming more present for my other

family members. Until now, so much of my emotional energy has gone

to guilt and sorrow for my parents.

Caitlyn