Re: Why is this a common thread?

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

I think that this is widely used by nada's from talking with other

KO's and my own experience. When I went NC, her age spots turned into

potential skin cancer, how convenient. I felt terrible, but I realized

after you get a biopsy you want to declare to your loved ones that do

or don't in fact have cancer. She didn’t after the biopsy, and when my

the foo finally ripped the truth out of her she said that she was

negative, then her dish rag also had age spots that suddenly became

life threatening and that they were worried " sick " (a famous anxious

word my nada loves to use) about it. I still have yet to hear through

the wire whether he indeed has cancer or not. I laugh that they could

use such a terrible thing to keep us inline, how sinister they are

those nadas. I’m happy that you’re crossing that bridge instead of

getting hampered by the chaos, it used to cause me “life paralysisâ€

and great amounts of anxiety. I like your idea of keeping up with your

own momentum.

Warm regards,

>

> Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get cancer

> or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to pull us

> back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at them

> so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away for

> our own safty?

>

> I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've always

> been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two tumors on

> my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be cancer

> and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my part,

> when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right- its

> probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years ago.

> Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind of

> quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to partake

> in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel safe

> sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and let

> it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole that

> is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside down

> by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and trauma

> bonding.

>

> That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case scenario

> that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died long

> ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though- this

> inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love this

> time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so than

> normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own cancer

> scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and yet

> at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much like

> that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone who

> seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that they

> can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to keep up

> w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it always

> is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For now, I

> just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing. This

> does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

>

> Kerrie

>

[Guest guest]

They love negative drama -- medical drama is the best! When it also

happens to focus the attention on them, it's a Trifecta!

>

> Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

cancer

> or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to pull

us

> back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

them

> so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

for

> our own safty?

>

> I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've always

> been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two tumors

on

> my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

cancer

> and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

part,

> when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right- its

> probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years ago.

> Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

of

> quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

partake

> in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

safe

> sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

let

> it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

that

> is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

down

> by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and trauma

> bonding.

>

> That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

scenario

> that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

long

> ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though- this

> inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

this

> time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

than

> normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

cancer

> scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

yet

> at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

like

> that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

who

> seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

they

> can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to keep

up

> w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

always

> is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

now, I

> just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

This

> does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

>

> Kerrie

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for your reply. I totally understand what you mean with the

term 'worried sick'. That is soooo unbelievably common in my FOO. Its

one of those phrases that if anyone ever catches me saying, just

shoot me on the spot. KWIM?

The thing w/my nada is that she's downplaying it and saying its not

cancer which only serves to hype it up in her weird foo dynamics.

Maybe she does indeed have cancer as she's extremely good at denial

w/the important things in life. But even at that,I'm kind of

like 'well, its not my problem. I feel bad for her, but much less

about any cancer than I feel bad for a life only half lived, if

that.' I'm just gonna steer clear and wait for word through the

grapevine but I know my aunt is kind of expecting me to jump in and

care and be the caretaker/nurturer like I use to be w/these crisises.

I'm all bad until nada gets in a quandry and then I'm her main

rescuer. I've dropped that role this year- completely- and this new

crisis only reaffirms my resolve to stay the hell away.

I'm glad you are staying away too. You've been NC for quite sometime

now. The holidays are coming up and for both of us this will be our

first year of NC during the holidays (I didn't call nada last year on

the holidays b/c I told her I wouldn't talk to her when she's around

her FOO, but I called a few days later and that's when I made the

decision to just not call again period...which I have stuck to-

called her once in May and that was the last I talked to her. Its

been a rough year for other reasons but it has been soooo nice to not

have to babysit her amidst the tragedies in my life- can't express

what a relief it has been to not have her involved in my life when

the chips have been down this year).

Best wishes,

Kerrie

> >

> > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

cancer

> > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

pull us

> > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

them

> > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

for

> > our own safty?

> >

> > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

always

> > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

tumors on

> > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

cancer

> > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

part,

> > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

its

> > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

ago.

> > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

of

> > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

partake

> > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

safe

> > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

let

> > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

that

> > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

down

> > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

trauma

> > bonding.

> >

> > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

scenario

> > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

long

> > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

this

> > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

this

> > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

than

> > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

cancer

> > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

yet

> > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

like

> > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

who

> > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

they

> > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

keep up

> > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

always

> > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

now, I

> > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

This

> > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> >

> > Kerrie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mine loves melodrama more than drama drama. I mean to say its more

like an Eyore mindset where things just happen that are bad when in

fact if they took care of themselves, then these things wouldn't

happen w/such frequency. I know I felt that way a few years ago when

nada had her galbladder taken out. I was kind of like 'well she eats

like crap and so its natural that she's ruined her galbladder.' But

she's pulling this one off like a real 'trooper'- so strong - yeah

right. In the end I know that I'm expected to call or care or

something and even if its benign, I look like the uncaring daughter

for not getting more involved or showing more concern. Oh well. I'm

just trying to take care of myself and my own family and since her

life is crisis after crisis, I absolve myself of any responsibility

on that front. But yes, they do love a good medical crisis even when

they downplaying it like my nada is. She's always downplayed stuff

like this such as what kind of cancer my dad died of- 'oh I can't

remember' or the fact that maybe I needed to know my grandmother had

breast cancer (she told me that in one of those rare moments of

bonding when my step dad left her back in 1997 and she was

leaning/bonding w/me a lot). I feel mostly sorry for my aunt though

and yet she too is responsible for her own welfare and making sure

she can keep her head above water and quite frankly, she doesn't do a

good job of it. Her rescuing is not true rescuing. She makes a

horrible life guard b/c she can't even save herself.

K

> >

> > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

> cancer

> > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

pull

> us

> > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

> them

> > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

> for

> > our own safty?

> >

> > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

always

> > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

tumors

> on

> > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> cancer

> > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

> part,

> > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

its

> > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

ago.

> > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

> of

> > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> partake

> > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

> safe

> > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

> let

> > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

> that

> > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

> down

> > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

trauma

> > bonding.

> >

> > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> scenario

> > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

> long

> > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

this

> > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

> this

> > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

> than

> > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> cancer

> > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

> yet

> > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

> like

> > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

> who

> > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

> they

> > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

keep

> up

> > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> always

> > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

> now, I

> > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

> This

> > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> >

> > Kerrie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Non-BP Man,

Your post reminded me of that quote " You're only as strong as your

weakest link. " I do not feel strong at all right now and I'm coming

to understand that I don't have to be all the time. But I also see

that my weakest point now even I have no desire to reconnect and

rekindle that flame. I think my weakest link is much stronger than it

was a few years ago. I'm very sad though about a bunch of things that

have happened this year, but essentially, I'm hopeful about next year

and I'm glad I did not chose to go home this Christmas even if I had

planned on avoiding the FOO. I'm sure if I called my aunt while I was

intown, I'd totally be hoovered and fogged into visiting them as a

group w/this kind of news. And yet another part of me wonders why I

wanted to go home so badly this year- like maybe its my grandfather's

last Christmas or something and now I'm kind of wondering if maybe

its nada's last Christmas or something. Either way, while I feel torn

about the decisions I've made- meaning they were hard to make and

just in general hard on the heart- I also know in the deepest parts

of me that I have no regrets much like last year when I went NC

despite the fact nada turned her rage on her fiance and he killed

himself. I have no regrets for my part in all of this and that is a

very good feeling- well at least a peaceful feeling though I'm still

grieving. No anxiety though and no paranoia and no guilt...just

resignation to this road having to be this way and in the end, it

will be for the best just as it already has manifested as such.

Thanks for your reply:)

Kerrie

> > >

> > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC

> > their nada's get cancer

> > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is

> > it a ploy to pull us

> > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage

> > eats away at them

> > > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> > finally pull away for

> > > our own safty?

> > >

> > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister

> > whom I've always

> > > been pretty close to and she informed me that

> > there are two tumors on

> > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and

> > just can't be cancer

> > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of

> > course. For my part,

> > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> > probably right- its

> > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery

> > a few years ago.

> > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and

> > then I just kind of

> > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have

> > NO DESIRE to partake

> > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my

> > FOO - even if

> > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I

> > just don't feel safe

> > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> > traumatic events that

> > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give

> > it to God and let

> > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> > insensitive Ahole that

> > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world

> > turned upside down

> > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> > morbidity and trauma

> > > bonding.

> > >

> > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the

> > worst case scenario

> > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of

> > nada dieing of

> > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go.

> > Your mother died long

> > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It

> > sucks though- this

> > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> > serenity. I love this

> > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me,

> > much more so than

> > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and

> > saw all the good-

> > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't

> > remotely bare the

> > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her

> > over her own cancer

> > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is

> > best for me and yet

> > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is

> > a test- much like

> > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of

> > stopping for someone who

> > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the

> > bridge so that they

> > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I

> > just want to keep up

> > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its

> > a trap- it always

> > > is even if she may not be here on earth much

> > longer. My life is

> > > better without the chaos and if she were on her

> > death bed,I'd say

> > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I

> > get there. For now, I

> > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge

> > I'm crossing. This

> > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > >

> > > Kerrie

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

To all, first off I want to say Kerrie, you really speak with grace.

They will do this mine right now has had " several major medical

conditions " especially in the last 6 months. Including benign tumors

in the brain. UGH! Last year I think it was liver cancer! This past

summer " kidney failure " ! Anything to turn my head but my head just

keeps looking forward.

I know we all have so much in common and one thing I have made as a

personal choice is this….If each family member I have were to die

today would I be at peace with the standing relationship? Have I

spoken all that I need to speak? Would I be happy with my self about

going or not going to a funeral? Because they will be dead, we will

be alive, we only need to worry about ourselves because we can't

worry about anybody else we only can change and help our selves.

I have decided I am at peace with all relationships the way they are

standing. They are all very different. Nada and I are n/c and I have

not been able to speak my peace, the last words I said were " F%#@

you " but I think she knows I love her;-) What did she think I would

say she was taking me to court for my kids? I did see her one time

for court forced visitation after now that I think about it she did

something and I said " stop mom your scaring my kids " but I think

overall she would not hear me anyways if I did say I love you she

can't hear when I tell her stop or f off why would she hear I love

you? I would like to be at her deathbed or funeral. In regards to my

sister, she sometimes makes me mad b/c I think she is on the fence

but I clearly said I love you and I meant it. I hope nothing happens

to her she is so young but if it did I am at peace with what I said.

With my dad I tell him every time I talk to him I love him if we

ever talk about the family and how my mom should get I even say I

love my mom and my sister I want him to know I don't hate my family

they are just difficult. I am at peace there also. I am not sure my

mom would let me come to the funeral of my dad or sister.

Grandnada, our last conversation was a bad one but I really don't

care what do you expect from a bp? I would not go to her funeral and

I am at peace with what I said to her. I tried to be clear this is

not my fault but she needs a place to lay blame and it sure is not

herself or her daughter! I love her but she is not my cup of tea.

And all the rest I have peace there also. Sometimes silence is the

peace.

I feel much like what Kerrie wrote I don't want to get roped into

their chaos! I am making great strides in my life. I know some of my

last conversations were maybe considered " bad ones " by outsiders

looking in. Like the conversations I had w/ nada and grandnada but

like I said when you talk to a bp what do you expect. One thing my

nada always tried to do to haunt me was tell me how I better never

get mad b/c it might be the last time I see somebody. That is bull,

even if you were mad at somebody when they died I like to think that

years of a steady relationship would cover that! So I give myself

the freedom to feel mad, I am not mad at grandnada and nada (for the

time being) But our last conversation was sour. I really could care

less even if our last conversation was sweet it would make no

difference in the true character in either of us. I am at peace

whether they are or not is up to them.

I hope this did not sound cold hearted I just can't let myself be

hurt anymore. This is the way I know how. Merry Christmas. All my

love Lizzy

> > >

> > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

> > cancer

> > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

> pull

> > us

> > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

> > them

> > > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull

away

> > for

> > > our own safty?

> > >

> > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

> always

> > > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

> tumors

> > on

> > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> > cancer

> > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For

my

> > part,

> > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

> its

> > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

> ago.

> > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just

kind

> > of

> > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> > partake

> > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even

if

> > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't

feel

> > safe

> > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events

that

> > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God

and

> > let

> > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

> > that

> > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned

upside

> > down

> > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

> trauma

> > > bonding.

> > >

> > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> > scenario

> > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing

of

> > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother

died

> > long

> > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

> this

> > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

> > this

> > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

> > than

> > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the

good-

> > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare

the

> > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> > cancer

> > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me

and

> > yet

> > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test-

much

> > like

> > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for

someone

> > who

> > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

> > they

> > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

> keep

> > up

> > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> > always

> > > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life

is

> > > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd

say

> > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

> > now, I

> > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm

crossing.

> > This

> > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > >

> > > Kerrie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

Stay NC! Don't let her hoover you with this crap! How do you even

know this is true? Just b/c your nada told your aunt she has cancer

does not mean it is true.

Not to mention, exactly what would you do to help anyway? I am

sorry, but unless you are an oncologist I don't really see how you

can help her regardless.

My nada does the same thing to try to hoover us back in, and the

thing is that it actually worked in the past. Not any more.

It is sad but I tend to doubt all these illnesses just 'pop up' when

we KO's go NC. My nada's problems stemmed from suicide attempts so

that seems to make sense, but even still, not my problem!!!

What a relief. Let yourself off the hook. It is not your problem

and it probably isn't even real.

love

>

> Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

cancer

> or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to pull

us

> back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

them

> so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

for

> our own safty?

>

> I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've always

> been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two tumors

on

> my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

cancer

> and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

part,

> when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right- its

> probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years ago.

> Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

of

> quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

partake

> in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

safe

> sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

let

> it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

that

> is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

down

> by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and trauma

> bonding.

>

> That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

scenario

> that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

long

> ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though- this

> inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

this

> time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

than

> normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

cancer

> scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

yet

> at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

like

> that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

who

> seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

they

> can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to keep

up

> w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

always

> is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

now, I

> just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

This

> does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

>

> Kerrie

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

You do not sound cold hearted at all to me. I'm sure a bp can

manipulate it any and every which way possible to conjure sympathy

and the spotlight on themselves, but I think it is anything but cold

hearted to take care of yourself. What's cold hearted is that these

people were endowed with the care of youngester to love and nurture

and instead abused the crap out of us. That is cold hearted. That

perhaps could be forgivable on some levels if there were a change of

heart or conversion, but as it stands, what is truly diabolical is

the expectation that they can and will be allowed to continue the

cycle of abuse when we are no longer dependant upon them. What's cold

hearted is outsiders looking at only a fragment of the picture and

judging the situation w/obligations and guilt placed upon us KOs.

They have no right and insult to injury and from the sounds of your

post, like so many other KOs, that has also been dished out to you-

these other people who haven't a clue judging. Otherwise why would

you ever in a million years deem what you've done as cold hearted?

Taking care of yourself and having limits is a given in life. Would

should NEVER have to chose between mom/dad and self for survival of

the species and yet psychologically, that's the position we're put

in. No, no, Lizzy. You are anything but cold hearted. You are WISE

and wisdom naturally comprehends the currents of how love flows. How

can one ever be wise and cold hearted?

Thank you for sharing your story about your FOO's health issues. It

helps me to somewhat prepare for maybe my FOO's potential issues

though honestly, I don't think she has cancer and even if she does,

I'm not altogether certain that it changes much in life for today, ya

know? Only that I will pray for her harder so that she can eventually

*hopefully* learn that to live is to take care of one's self and to

love one's self as I've had to learn. Otherwise she will die holding

onto a facade and that is truly her choice I must respect. I just

know for my part, I want no part in the drama or melodrama. I feel

very much like you do- love from a distance b/c its impossible to

love them up close- like trying to pet a rabbid dog and I'd rather

not drink of that poison again.

Best wishes!

Kerrie

> > > >

> > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's

get

> > > cancer

> > > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

> > pull

> > > us

> > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away

at

> > > them

> > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull

> away

> > > for

> > > > our own safty?

> > > >

> > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

> > always

> > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

> > tumors

> > > on

> > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> > > cancer

> > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For

> my

> > > part,

> > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

> > its

> > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

> > ago.

> > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just

> kind

> > > of

> > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> > > partake

> > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even

> if

> > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't

> feel

> > > safe

> > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events

> that

> > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God

> and

> > > let

> > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive

Ahole

> > > that

> > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned

> upside

> > > down

> > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

> > trauma

> > > > bonding.

> > > >

> > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> > > scenario

> > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing

> of

> > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother

> died

> > > long

> > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

> > this

> > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I

love

> > > this

> > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more

so

> > > than

> > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the

> good-

> > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare

> the

> > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> > > cancer

> > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me

> and

> > > yet

> > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test-

> much

> > > like

> > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for

> someone

> > > who

> > > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so

that

> > > they

> > > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

> > keep

> > > up

> > > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> > > always

> > > > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life

> is

> > > > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd

> say

> > > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there.

For

> > > now, I

> > > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm

> crossing.

> > > This

> > > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > > >

> > > > Kerrie

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for your support. I am sure it is on some levels a hoover

maneuver, but I'm quite certain she is not faking it. My aunt, whom I

do somewhat trust and like, is going with her on Thursday to have the

laproscopy done so they can get a biopsy of the tumors. I don't sense

that she is faking it at all. Rather I get the sense that the stress

of this year w/her fiance's suicide ('the love of her life' according

to her which just amazes me since she treated him like utter $hit-

and she still can't comprehend that if he really loved her he

wouldn't have killed himself in their house for her to find him! " No,

no, he'd never do anything to hurt me. " Talk about denial) and then

me going NC is catching up to her. Borderlines are angry people

otherwise they wouldn't be bps. I get the impression she is a million

times angrier than even in normal times and so I would not at all be

surprised if this inner rage that has been turned up a few notches is

turning inwards on itself in the form of cancer. There are a ton of

documentations citing withheld anger causing cancer (though not by a

longshot is that all of the reasons- plenty of people get it through

genetics and environment and whatnot) and now that I've taken myself

out of the equation, the main target for being 'all bad' and then

after she turned her fury on her fiance when I dropped out last year,

well he killed himself and for the first time in her life she's

totally alone w/her anger (my aunt is the only one really still

somewhat close to her and she's greatly distanced herself since the

suicide and being in therapy herself- and now my brother, my only

sibling, is moving to the other coast in January for 6mos or more- a

first for him and a first for nada being completely w/o any man

whatsoever to fall back on. I'm so unbelievably glad my brother got

married last year and is moving on w/his life to varying degrees-

he's the all good child and in denial about a lot, but he has serious

walls around him to protect himself (though he does have the tendency

to play into the dramas like the suicide though I am highly doubtful

he'd put off his moving to the other coast for nada even if she did

have cancer.).

No, my nada has never ever tried to kill herself. Instead, she drives

everyone else in her life to try that route. She's too much of an NPD

mixed w/BP to ever try that and for the most part of her life, she's

been a VERY high functioning BP. I think this year is showing the

tower falling down and I don't think she ever genuinely expected

this. I don't think bps ever do think beyond the momentary

gratification and so she's not faking it at all. She's just a million

times more enraged than ever b/c she has no outlet for her rage

unlike in times past. And I do feel sorry for her, but not enough to

get back involved and in many ways I don't think she'd expect it of

me. Instead she would say I haven't called to check up or anything

w/the extended FOO and whatnot so I look like the crap daughter she

has been trying to paint me as for years. Again, I'm at a place in my

life where I'm comfortable being the Ahole. At least that role is

clearly defined.

But thanks so much for your concern and sharing the details of your

story w/your nada. I'm not always sure which is worse - the low

functioning or high functioning nada. They both suck!

Kerrie

> >

> > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

> cancer

> > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

pull

> us

> > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

> them

> > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

> for

> > our own safty?

> >

> > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

always

> > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

tumors

> on

> > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> cancer

> > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

> part,

> > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

its

> > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

ago.

> > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

> of

> > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> partake

> > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

> safe

> > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

> let

> > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

> that

> > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

> down

> > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

trauma

> > bonding.

> >

> > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> scenario

> > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

> long

> > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

this

> > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

> this

> > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

> than

> > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> cancer

> > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

> yet

> > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

> like

> > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

> who

> > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

> they

> > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

keep

> up

> > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> always

> > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

> now, I

> > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

> This

> > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> >

> > Kerrie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

My Xmas card list has gotten way smaller over the last 2 years

and I think it will be smaller next year when I let go of my

codependent sister. The only contact I have with my FOO. My nada

died about a year and a half ago and only than did I deal with this

BPD stuff. She was diagnosed only a little before her death.

You will struggle with when you nada dies whether from cancer now

or something else later. Here is why, you are capable of loving

someone and a child is born loving their parents. Even when a

dysfunctional parent is abusive, a child still loves them.

Always do what you can live with. my suggestion is to sit back

and wait. When ever her time is near than you will decide what you

want to do.

>

> Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

cancer

> or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to pull

us

> back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

them

> so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

for

> our own safty?

>

> I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've always

> been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two tumors

on

> my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

cancer

> and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

part,

> when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right- its

> probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years ago.

> Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

of

> quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

partake

> in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

safe

> sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

let

> it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

that

> is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

down

> by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and trauma

> bonding.

>

> That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

scenario

> that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

long

> ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though- this

> inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

this

> time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

than

> normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

cancer

> scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

yet

> at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

like

> that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

who

> seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

they

> can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to keep

up

> w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

always

> is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

now, I

> just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

This

> does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

>

> Kerrie

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie, thank you so much for the reply. You are so kind. When I

read your words I can see you have so much wisdom I never thought

about these things in this light before You wrote...

" What's cold hearted is outsiders looking at only a fragment of the

picture and judging the situation w/obligations and guilt placed

upon us KOs. They have no right and insult to injury and from the

sounds of your post, like so many other KOs, that has also been

dished out to you-these other people who haven't a clue judging. "

That is exactly what happens people see just one part. I really hope

I was able to help you. I know you were able to help me.

I highly question my mothers illness the same way it sounds like you

question yours. I am not sure whether or not she really has been

sick with any of her conditions so I make sure I feel at peace with

myself because I know this is the only thing I can control. Thanks

again for all the insight on all your posts Love, Lizzy

> > > > >

> > > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's

> get

> > > > cancer

> > > > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy

to

> > > pull

> > > > us

> > > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats

away

> at

> > > > them

> > > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally

pull

> > away

> > > > for

> > > > > our own safty?

> > > > >

> > > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom

I've

> > > always

> > > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are

two

> > > tumors

> > > > on

> > > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't

be

> > > > cancer

> > > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course.

For

> > my

> > > > part,

> > > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably

right-

>

> > > its

> > > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few

years

> > > ago.

> > > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I

just

> > kind

> > > > of

> > > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE

to

> > > > partake

> > > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO -

even

> > if

> > > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just

don't

> > feel

> > > > safe

> > > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic

events

> > that

> > > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to

God

> > and

> > > > let

> > > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive

> Ahole

> > > > that

> > > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned

> > upside

> > > > down

> > > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity

and

> > > trauma

> > > > > bonding.

> > > > >

> > > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst

case

> > > > scenario

> > > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada

dieing

> > of

> > > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your

mother

> > died

> > > > long

> > > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks

though-

> > > this

> > > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I

> love

> > > > this

> > > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much

more

> so

> > > > than

> > > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all

the

> > good-

> > > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely

bare

> > the

> > > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her

own

> > > > cancer

> > > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for

me

> > and

> > > > yet

> > > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test-

> > much

> > > > like

> > > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for

> > someone

> > > > who

> > > > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so

> that

> > > > they

> > > > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want

to

> > > keep

> > > > up

> > > > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap-

it

> > > > always

> > > > > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My

life

> > is

> > > > > better without the chaos and if she were on her death

bed,I'd

> > say

> > > > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there.

> For

> > > > now, I

> > > > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm

> > crossing.

> > > > This

> > > > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > > > >

> > > > > Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

I know, I try to catch myself when the " sick " term can go into play,

but sometimes I don't and I laugh. She also tosses around the term she

is " dying " if she's hungary or if she endures any slight discomfort.

I'm chilln' with the foo as we speak, and I think I've already heard

the terms used once in the span of a day.

Talk to you later

> > >

> > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

> cancer

> > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

> pull us

> > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

> them

> > > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

> for

> > > our own safty?

> > >

> > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

> always

> > > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

> tumors on

> > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> cancer

> > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

> part,

> > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

> its

> > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

> ago.

> > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

> of

> > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> partake

> > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

> safe

> > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

> let

> > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

> that

> > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

> down

> > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

> trauma

> > > bonding.

> > >

> > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> scenario

> > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

> long

> > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

> this

> > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

> this

> > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

> than

> > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> cancer

> > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

> yet

> > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

> like

> > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

> who

> > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

> they

> > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

> keep up

> > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> always

> > > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> > > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

> now, I

> > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

> This

> > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > >

> > > Kerrie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One Non-BP Recovering Man, I agree 100% with what you say this is a

great place to spend some of our energy. Personally I would rather

use it here talking to you guys than talking to the foo. Some people

are just too self centered to talk about anything other than

themselves. Even many non bps do this. I have some family members

who are not bp but I just think I would rather not waste my time

because their life is one big dilemma and it is always about them!

Who wants to be around that? Not me! This is a well centered place

IMO. And BTW I love that saying " Capiche " , my kids and I say it all

the time. It is kind of a family joke around here. Merry Christmas

Love, Lizzy

> > > > >

> > > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC

> > their nada's get

> > > cancer

> > > > > or some other major life threatening illness?

> > Is it a ploy to

> > > pull us

> > > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the

> > rage eats away at

> > > them

> > > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> > finally pull away

> > > for

> > > > > our own safty?

> > > > >

> > > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's

> > sister whom I've

> > > always

> > > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that

> > there are two

> > > tumors on

> > > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and

> > just can't be

> > > cancer

> > > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick

> > of course. For my

> > > part,

> > > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> > probably right-

> > > its

> > > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder

> > surgery a few years

> > > ago.

> > > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.'

> > and then I just kind

> > > of

> > > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just

> > have NO DESIRE to

> > > partake

> > > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone

> > in my FOO - even if

> > > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve.

> > I just don't feel

> > > safe

> > > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> > traumatic events that

> > > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather

> > give it to God and

> > > let

> > > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> > insensitive Ahole

> > > that

> > > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my

> > world turned upside

> > > down

> > > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> > morbidity and

> > > trauma

> > > > > bonding.

> > > > >

> > > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in

> > the worst case

> > > scenario

> > > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours,

> > of nada dieing of

> > > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it

> > go. Your mother died

> > > long

> > > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.'

> > It sucks though-

> > > this

> > > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> > serenity. I love

> > > this

> > > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for

> > me, much more so

> > > than

> > > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list

> > and saw all the good-

> > > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really

> > can't remotely bare the

> > > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with

> > her over her own

> > > cancer

> > > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what

> > is best for me and

> > > yet

> > > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like

> > this is a test- much

> > > like

> > > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of

> > stopping for someone

> > > who

> > > > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on

> > the bridge so that

> > > they

> > > > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma,

> > I just want to

> > > keep up

> > > > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing

> > its a trap- it

> > > always

> > > > > is even if she may not be here on earth much

> > longer. My life is

> > > > > better without the chaos and if she were on

> > her death bed,I'd say

> > > > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when

> > I get there. For

> > > now, I

> > > > > just want to keep moving over this current

> > bridge I'm crossing.

> > > This

> > > > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > > > >

> > > > > Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

I totally agree with you: it does suck and the

grieving of all those " friends " that are now crossed

off the list is so hard to do but so necessary. I'm

glad that I'm crying and getting that poison out:

that is exactly what it is poison. I realized that

All but one person from my growing up is out of my

life by my choice due to unhealhty dynamics that I was

groomed to provide and they needed. No more and so

you are not alone on that bridge.

(((((((((Kerrie))))))))))

Greg.

--- Kerrie wrote:

> Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their

> nada's get cancer

> or some other major life threatening illness? Is it

> a ploy to pull us

> back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage

> eats away at them

> so badly and they have even more anger when we

> finally pull away for

> our own safty?

>

> I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister

> whom I've always

> been pretty close to and she informed me that there

> are two tumors on

> my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just

> can't be cancer

> and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of

> course. For my part,

> when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> probably right- its

> probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a

> few years ago.

> Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and

> then I just kind of

> quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO

> DESIRE to partake

> in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my

> FOO - even if

> there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I

> just don't feel safe

> sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> traumatic events that

> always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give

> it to God and let

> it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> insensitive Ahole that

> is constantly misunderstood than to have my world

> turned upside down

> by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> morbidity and trauma

> bonding.

>

> That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the

> worst case scenario

> that has run in my mind these past few hours, of

> nada dieing of

> cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your

> mother died long

> ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It

> sucks though- this

> inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> serenity. I love this

> time of the year and yet this year is sad for me,

> much more so than

> normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw

> all the good-

> byes I've had to make this year. I really can't

> remotely bare the

> thought of calling nada and connecting with her over

> her own cancer

> scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is

> best for me and yet

> at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a

> test- much like

> that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping

> for someone who

> seems polite journeying the opposite way on the

> bridge so that they

> can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I

> just want to keep up

> w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a

> trap- it always

> is even if she may not be here on earth much longer.

> My life is

> better without the chaos and if she were on her

> death bed,I'd say

> good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get

> there. For now, I

> just want to keep moving over this current bridge

> I'm crossing. This

> does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

>

> Kerrie

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

,

There is so much wisdom in your post from experience. Thank you so

much for sharing this with me. It is pretty much how I feel at the

root of my being- still love her, but can't live w/her and would hate

to see her die and yet I also love my life enough to just be true to

my own path. When and if the time does come to reach out, I think I

will know it in my heart. My dad died when I was little and so I'm

not new to the death process if that's the way this story will

unfold. Its just a different story b/c I've known her longer and

despite her rage, I really do feel an enormous amount of sorrow for

her life. Its really pitiful and I don't pity many people-

sympathize, yes, but pity, no.

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom. It was really poignant.

Kerrie

> >

> > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's get

> cancer

> > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

pull

> us

> > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away at

> them

> > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull away

> for

> > our own safty?

> >

> > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

always

> > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

tumors

> on

> > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> cancer

> > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For my

> part,

> > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

its

> > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

ago.

> > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just kind

> of

> > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> partake

> > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even if

> > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't feel

> safe

> > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events that

> > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God and

> let

> > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive Ahole

> that

> > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned upside

> down

> > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

trauma

> > bonding.

> >

> > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> scenario

> > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing of

> > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother died

> long

> > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

this

> > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I love

> this

> > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more so

> than

> > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the good-

> > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare the

> > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> cancer

> > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me and

> yet

> > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test- much

> like

> > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for someone

> who

> > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so that

> they

> > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

keep

> up

> > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> always

> > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life is

> > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd say

> > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. For

> now, I

> > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm crossing.

> This

> > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> >

> > Kerrie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

I'm glad my post helped you. Without question, your post helped me as

the main thing I struggle with now days is not a dieing nada or a

nada w/cancer, but rather some of the issues you addressed and that I

wrote back about w/regards to others sitting in judgement. While I

know this wisdom in my heart, it really does heart to have people

judge me also as cold hearted for not extending the olive branch to

nada during her time of need and I am quite certain that will be how

it is viewed from extended family members right now. Like I said, if

she is diagnosed w/cancer, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it,

but for now, I prefer to lay low and play the wait and see game. It

is better for my mental health. But honestly, I don't think nada is

making this up. I think instead she's turned her rage in on herself

since I'm not in her life anymore as a punching bag and then she

knocked her fiance out in the third round once I stepped out of the

ring (his suicide this past March- which I'm sure was somewhat

prompted by her misplaced rage. My aunt told me of some situations

where they really had trust issues at the beginning of this year and

then top it off w/me finally breaking away, I'm sure she was at a

whole new level of anger and let him have it- perhaps more the witch

style vs her normal queen style). I'm quite sure she is NOT making

this up. Rather I think this is a manifestation of her rage and not

taking care of herself. And so I will wait and see what happens.

The weirdest thing is that my bestfriend here where I live told me

that she'd felt concerned about this very issue- how I would react if

my mom did get really ill. She said she felt like it was a

premonition or something and perhaps it was though perhaps it is

logical for someone w/as much stress in their lives as nada has had

this year would be ill. I know for the past three months we've

battled a whole slew of illnesses and we've got coping mechanisms

that are a million times better than nada's. Still- its a lot in one

year and I'm not terribly sad to say good bye to 2006- am VERY

hopeful about 2007 though:)

Kerrie

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their

nada's

> > get

> > > > > cancer

> > > > > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a

ploy

> to

> > > > pull

> > > > > us

> > > > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats

> away

> > at

> > > > > them

> > > > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally

> pull

> > > away

> > > > > for

> > > > > > our own safty?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom

> I've

> > > > always

> > > > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are

> two

> > > > tumors

> > > > > on

> > > > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't

> be

> > > > > cancer

> > > > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course.

> For

> > > my

> > > > > part,

> > > > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably

> right-

> >

> > > > its

> > > > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few

> years

> > > > ago.

> > > > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I

> just

> > > kind

> > > > > of

> > > > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO

DESIRE

> to

> > > > > partake

> > > > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO -

> even

> > > if

> > > > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just

> don't

> > > feel

> > > > > safe

> > > > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic

> events

> > > that

> > > > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to

> God

> > > and

> > > > > let

> > > > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive

> > Ahole

> > > > > that

> > > > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned

> > > upside

> > > > > down

> > > > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity

> and

> > > > trauma

> > > > > > bonding.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst

> case

> > > > > scenario

> > > > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada

> dieing

> > > of

> > > > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your

> mother

> > > died

> > > > > long

> > > > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks

> though-

> > > > this

> > > > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I

> > love

> > > > > this

> > > > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much

> more

> > so

> > > > > than

> > > > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all

> the

> > > good-

> > > > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely

> bare

> > > the

> > > > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her

> own

> > > > > cancer

> > > > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best

for

> me

> > > and

> > > > > yet

> > > > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test-

> > > much

> > > > > like

> > > > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for

> > > someone

> > > > > who

> > > > > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so

> > that

> > > > > they

> > > > > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just

want

> to

> > > > keep

> > > > > up

> > > > > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap-

> it

> > > > > always

> > > > > > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My

> life

> > > is

> > > > > > better without the chaos and if she were on her death

> bed,I'd

> > > say

> > > > > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get

there.

> > For

> > > > > now, I

> > > > > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm

> > > crossing.

> > > > > This

> > > > > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Kerrie

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh , you poor dear!!!! Chilling w/the FOO? I'm never able to

stay chill/cool/collected around my foo. You're lightyears ahead of

me!!!! Best wishes to you! Hoping its part of the FOO you like and

not nada or anything like that?

Kerrie

> > > >

> > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their nada's

get

> > cancer

> > > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it a ploy to

> > pull us

> > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage eats away

at

> > them

> > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we finally pull

away

> > for

> > > > our own safty?

> > > >

> > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister whom I've

> > always

> > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that there are two

> > tumors on

> > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just can't be

> > cancer

> > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of course. For

my

> > part,

> > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's probably right-

> > its

> > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a few years

> > ago.

> > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and then I just

kind

> > of

> > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO DESIRE to

> > partake

> > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my FOO - even

if

> > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I just don't

feel

> > safe

> > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the traumatic events

that

> > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give it to God

and

> > let

> > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the insensitive

Ahole

> > that

> > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world turned

upside

> > down

> > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and morbidity and

> > trauma

> > > > bonding.

> > > >

> > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the worst case

> > scenario

> > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of nada dieing

of

> > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your mother

died

> > long

> > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It sucks though-

> > this

> > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own serenity. I

love

> > this

> > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me, much more

so

> > than

> > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw all the

good-

> > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't remotely bare

the

> > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over her own

> > cancer

> > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is best for me

and

> > yet

> > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a test-

much

> > like

> > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping for

someone

> > who

> > > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the bridge so

that

> > they

> > > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I just want to

> > keep up

> > > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a trap- it

> > always

> > > > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer. My life

is

> > > > better without the chaos and if she were on her death bed,I'd

say

> > > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there.

For

> > now, I

> > > > just want to keep moving over this current bridge I'm

crossing.

> > This

> > > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > > >

> > > > Kerrie

> > > >

> > >

> >

>