Re: Teen with BP mom

[Guest guest]

Quite honestly I think you should be relieved on some level. Although

young love is wonderful these sweet kids are really too young for a

serious relationship. So much will change in both of them before they

are mature enough to choose a mate. I know your son must feel hurt,

but when I grew up we all went through losing someone we were taken

with. I think the more seriously you take this relationship and hurt

for him, the more it will hurt him. I certainly wouldn't encourage

him to continue the relationship or try to make it up with her. The

lengths a BP mother can go to would probably shock you. But over all,

if he can just hang on, this will pass and later when he is more ready

for a love relationship he will still have love in his life.

My boys had some crushes on girls but didn't do any serious dating

until they were at least 20. I was glad for that and felt each one

made a good choice. Your son's friend will probably be ok and it

sounds as if she has accepted what has to be. With the mom she has,

she too will have to wait til she's older and able to stand on her own

two feet. Just my thoughts. Dee

>

> Hi. My son is almost 17 and he loves a girl at his school who is in

> the same grade and is almost 16. She loves him, too, and their

> relationship had started to blossom in November. Our family loves

> this girl, and we've enjoyed spending time with her. We were all

> shocked, however, when her mother started going berserk, and

> eventually sent us a certified later saying that my son and I may not

> have any contact with her and her daughter whatsoever (outside of

> school)-- and she sent a copy to the police and the school! The kids'

> behavior has been above reproach, always supervised, and the only

> physical contact they have had is holding hands. I have spoken with a

> psychologist about this situation and she thinks the mom has BPD. The

> kids are getting frustrated with each other, b/c they are both now

> walking on egg shells in school so as not to upset the mom more, but

> they are intrepeting each other's actions as not caring about the

> relationship anymore. They both have bebo pages online and they're

> trying to communicate to each other on their OWN pages in coded ways

> b/c they know the mom will get mad if she knows they're trying to

> communicate. But they're getting mad at each other b/c it's such a

> messed-up situation. I think the girl is scared to death of what her

> mother might do next -- she has threatened to move to another state.

> It's so bizarre. My questions for all of you are -- How can I help my

> son in this situation? and How can I help his friend? My son really

> loves her, but it's obvious that she is " messed up " b/c of her

> mother's control and dominance, and she is inadvertantly hurting my

> son b/c of it (brushing him off in school, etc. She told him, " I'm

> not allowed to be depressed in school. " And, regarding walking with

> her in the hall: " I really want you to, but you'd better not. " Yet

> she gets mad at him if he doesn't talk to HER in school -- which

> sometimes he avoids her b/c it's such a painful situation. They used

> to talk on the phone a lot after school, and email each other. Can't

> do that any more.)What should he do? He had thought she was " the

> one " , and he has been very protective and loving toward her, but now

> he's really hurting and doesn't know if he should just give up. I

> feel terrible for my son, and also for the girl, who is obviously

> living a nightmare with her mom (it's just the two of them living in

> an apt -- the mom is twice-divorced.)Thanks for any advice you can

> offer!

>

[Guest guest]

annmm,I agree with the others. Even if it seems sad please

feel relieved. If your son would marry somebody with a BP mother his

life would be worse than hell. I will strongly encourage my children

to marry somebody who has a strong mental health. My mom for example

almost killed my second child at just 3 days old because she does

not like my husband anymore. And when I was pregnant at 18 she

threatened to slice me in half and pickle my baby to death. I am

sure this girl is terrified. But you dont need to save her she will

learn to save her self we all do. Nobody can save somebody else, we

can only save our self. That is a hard leson in life to learn but it

is true.

A BP will stop an nothing. They are not right in the mind. My mom

was always trying to either force or push away high school boys on

me. The fact that this lady is pushing your son away consider you

family the lucky family.

Try and encourage your son he is still just 17 there is no need for

him to develop a relationship like that until after collage. He

really has 10+ years before he needs to worry about that! Serious

relationships and marriage is so overrated! Kids need to worry about

chasing dreams and doing things that single people can do, go out

and have fun! Regardless of if she was BP or not that is not the

point the point is he should not have to worry about that yet. I

truly hope my children stay single until they are well into their

careers and have had a good time traveling and chasing dreams! Let

them go and get a PHD, see the pyramids, try out for American idol

what ever they want!

Having him try to maintain this friendship you might as well be put

a grenade in his hand and pull the pin for him. Harsh as it sounds

that is the reality of ANY relationship involving BP`s.

I wish I could encourage teens to stay single have fun and truly

focus on their grades! You only get one shot at being a kid. You

sound like a good mom, you are worried about his well being and are

really trying and researching this. So take it from us who know

about it and who have been there. We grew up in a home with a BP. If

she is " the one " for him would you honestly want your grandchildren

in that? I don't want my kids in that. That is why I have not talked

to my mom for 5 years!

Please help your son to stay away and help him to keep his mind off

her. Take him out skiing or to an amusement park let him bring a

friend or something just get his mind off of her! This is dangerous.

Just be there for him listen to him and don't judge him or be hard

on him. I wish you the best. He will be ok this is just the

beginning of many heart breaks! Good Luck Lizzy

> > >

> > > Hi. My son is almost 17 and he loves a girl at his school who

is

> in

> > > the same grade and is almost 16. She loves him, too, and their

> > > relationship had started to blossom in November. Our family

> loves

> > > this girl, and we've enjoyed spending time with her. We were

all

> > > shocked, however, when her mother started going berserk, and

> > > eventually sent us a certified later saying that my son and I

> may not

> > > have any contact with her and her daughter whatsoever (outside

> of

> > > school)-- and she sent a copy to the police and the school!

The

> kids'

> > > behavior has been above reproach, always supervised, and the

> only

> > > physical contact they have had is holding hands. I have spoken

> with a

> > > psychologist about this situation and she thinks the mom has

> BPD. The

> > > kids are getting frustrated with each other, b/c they are both

> now

> > > walking on egg shells in school so as not to upset the mom

more,

> but

> > > they are intrepeting each other's actions as not caring about

> the

> > > relationship anymore. They both have bebo pages online and

> they're

> > > trying to communicate to each other on their OWN pages in

coded

> ways

> > > b/c they know the mom will get mad if she knows they're trying

> to

> > > communicate. But they're getting mad at each other b/c it's

such

> a

> > > messed-up situation. I think the girl is scared to death of

what

> her

> > > mother might do next -- she has threatened to move to another

> state.

> > > It's so bizarre. My questions for all of you are -- How can I

> help my

> > > son in this situation? and How can I help his friend? My son

> really

> > > loves her, but it's obvious that she is " messed up " b/c of her

> > > mother's control and dominance, and she is inadvertantly

hurting

> my

> > > son b/c of it (brushing him off in school, etc. She told

> him, " I'm

> > > not allowed to be depressed in school. " And, regarding walking

> with

> > > her in the hall: " I really want you to, but you'd better not. "

> Yet

> > > she gets mad at him if he doesn't talk to HER in school --

which

> > > sometimes he avoids her b/c it's such a painful situation.

They

> used

> > > to talk on the phone a lot after school, and email each other.

> Can't

> > > do that any more.)What should he do? He had thought she

was " the

> > > one " , and he has been very protective and loving toward her,

but

> now

> > > he's really hurting and doesn't know if he should just give

up.

> I

> > > feel terrible for my son, and also for the girl, who is

> obviously

> > > living a nightmare with her mom (it's just the two of them

> living in

> > > an apt -- the mom is twice-divorced.)Thanks for any advice you

> can

> > > offer!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is so sad, but its almost guaranteed to get worse. I have no

doubt that it has taken a heavy toll on my husband to have to deal

with my nada. I totally believe it almost cost him his life. He

tried so HARD to impress her by making sure that I bent over

backwards to try to keep the relationship (NOW we both realize that

was wrong)and to be a good husband.

I was like that daughter, never left to have a real life. ALways

having to " lie " to actually have a life apart from nada, then

feeling like I was really " bad " for having to do that. I missed out

on so much, as my nada would " protect " me by driving others away.

No one was good enough. It wasn't until I went to college that I

actually felt like anyone would want to talk to me on their own,

without nada arranging it with her blessing!

Unless they are old enough and mature enough to move away, far far

away, it will never work. The nada will always FIND a way to drive

a wedge and I totally belive my nada will continue trying until the

day she dies. I won't even go to her deathbed as she'll try, even

then, to pull me into some evil plot. THink me cold and unfeeling,

but she will stop at nothing.

Sorry that was a very biased opinion. I feel better safe than sorry.

We've made our marriage work and we have stayed together and have no

regrets, but we also have paid a price.

[Guest guest]

Help your son deal with the hurt. In first loves, the feelings are

all so new - and he probably doesn't think he will ever feel this

way again (he will).

If the mother is BPD, this girl has many, many problems that she

will have to deal with in order to become a happy individual. She

is being raised by a parent who is not normal, and has caused a

great deal of confusion, pain, and probably some kinds of abuse in

the girls life. I can tell you that your son's love will not be

enough at this time. A BPD parent wrecks devastation in the lives

of her children, and many of us have taken years to even understand

the damage, and then more years to heal from it. This is not

possible for a teenager to do without a good deal of professional

support.

I don't think the certified letter means anything, other than she

has a record that you received it. It is not a legally binding

document. But that really is not the issue.

Explain to your son that you understand what he is going through,

and how difficult it is for him. But explain to that this is a

serious situation for his girlfriend, and you don't want it to

become even more difficult for her.

Good luck,

Sylvia

>

> Hi. My son is almost 17 and he loves a girl at his school who is

in

> the same grade and is almost 16. She loves him, too, and their

> relationship had started to blossom in November. Our family loves

> this girl, and we've enjoyed spending time with her. We were all

> shocked, however, when her mother started going berserk, and

> eventually sent us a certified later saying that my son and I may

not

> have any contact with her and her daughter whatsoever (outside of

> school)-- and she sent a copy to the police and the school! The

kids'

> behavior has been above reproach, always supervised, and the only

> physical contact they have had is holding hands. I have spoken

with a

> psychologist about this situation and she thinks the mom has BPD.

The

> kids are getting frustrated with each other, b/c they are both now

> walking on egg shells in school so as not to upset the mom more,

but

> they are intrepeting each other's actions as not caring about the

> relationship anymore. They both have bebo pages online and they're

> trying to communicate to each other on their OWN pages in coded

ways

> b/c they know the mom will get mad if she knows they're trying to

> communicate. But they're getting mad at each other b/c it's such a

> messed-up situation. I think the girl is scared to death of what

her

> mother might do next -- she has threatened to move to another

state.

> It's so bizarre. My questions for all of you are -- How can I help

my

> son in this situation? and How can I help his friend? My son

really

> loves her, but it's obvious that she is " messed up " b/c of her

> mother's control and dominance, and she is inadvertantly hurting

my

> son b/c of it (brushing him off in school, etc. She told him, " I'm

> not allowed to be depressed in school. " And, regarding walking

with

> her in the hall: " I really want you to, but you'd better not. " Yet

> she gets mad at him if he doesn't talk to HER in school -- which

> sometimes he avoids her b/c it's such a painful situation. They

used

> to talk on the phone a lot after school, and email each other.

Can't

> do that any more.)What should he do? He had thought she was " the

> one " , and he has been very protective and loving toward her, but

now

> he's really hurting and doesn't know if he should just give up. I

> feel terrible for my son, and also for the girl, who is obviously

> living a nightmare with her mom (it's just the two of them living

in

> an apt -- the mom is twice-divorced.)Thanks for any advice you can

> offer!

>

[Guest guest]

>

> annmm,I agree with the others. Even if it seems sad please

> feel relieved. If your son would marry somebody with a BP mother

his

> life would be worse than hell. .... I am

> sure this girl is terrified. But you dont need to save her she

will

> learn to save her self we all do... Nobody can save somebody else,

we

> can only save our self. That is a hard leson in life to learn but

it

> is true. ...A BP will stop an nothing. They are not right in the

mind. My mom

> was always trying to either force or push away high school boys on

> me. The fact that this lady is pushing your son away consider you

> family the lucky family. ..

>

> Having him try to maintain this friendship you might as well be

put

> a grenade in his hand and pull the pin for him... Harsh as it

sounds

> that is the reality of ANY relationship involving BP`s...

I am torn by this reply. Yes, it is important to protect our

children, give them the best chance at life, encourage healthy

relationships, not rush into serious ones to soon...and all of us

have learned what happens when you take on a BP first hand...

BUT! I have a real problem with the attitude of " I can't do

anything " when it is really " I can't be bothered to do anything!.

It's not my place, not my kid, none of my business, nothing to do

with me... When children (or adults) aren't able to leave an abusive

situation, I truely feel there is moral obligation NOT to look the

other way! In many professions, there is a legal obligation to

report it. When I was young and I told the few people I could trust

about my nada, they too turned away and pretended nothing happened

or called me a liar or crazy. The truth was they didn't want to deal

with my high-society parents( " Hey, there's nothing I can do! " ). My

nada got her way, felt completely justified in any degree of abuse

she handed out, and I literally just barely escaped with my life!!

Do you really believe this girl will eventually learn to save

herself if left alone?! Did we?!!

After my escape, I remember a half-life, filled with fear, self-

hatred, lack of trust, depression and anxiety, which took me 20Years

and lots of therapyto work through. I lost 15 years of my life and

will ned medical for the physical and pschological damage she was

ALLOWED to inflict for the rest of it. AND I consider myself one of

the lucky ones! I can't help, but wonder how much pain I would have

been spared if someone had had the courage to do the right thing

when I was young and say " Enough! " .

I realize that helping other victims of BP's is difficult,

sometimes impossible, but I feel strongly that people shouldn't look

the other way and just ignore it's happening. Abuse should never be

tolerated.

Ariel

[Guest guest]

While I disagree with the others that your son is too young for a

serious relationship (I think the longest lasting relationships I know

of started young), I do agree that this is sad, and perhaps not the

best relationship for your son. If your son is planning on going to

college though, and not the same college as this girl, then perhaps a

break-up now is for the best, considering I have yet to see a young

relationship bear that burden successfully.

In my opinion, it's a shame really that young adults are encouraged to

" experience the world " before they fall in love. Repeated love and

breakups in one's life often only teach one to keep their bags packed

by the door, even in a marriage. There is a lot to experience in

life, but it's often just as fun to experience life with someone by

your side.

But I also agree that, if this relationship continues, it could be

full of pain for them if her Nada will continue to forever interfere.

In light of all that, I would suggest you and your son acknowledge

that you can't change other people; especially adults (a 16yr old girl

is still forming who she is, and while she can be guided, you can't

force her to do anything she doesn't already want to do). If you are

afraid that this young girl's mother is abusive to her, there is

potential for legal action there perhaps. But aside from that, you

have two years before the girl turns 18 and can make her own

decisions, if she so chooses at that point.

The best your son can do for this girl is to tell her he will do his

best to wait until they are legal adults to pursue a relationship

again, and in the mean-time, they may be reduced to passing notes

between classes that can be disposed of before the girl's mom has a

chance to get her hands on them.

And if you wish to help, have you had a meeting with this mother

yourself? If she's really BP, it probably won't do much good, but if

you express your care for the girl now, hopefully the girl will see

what a loving home your house can be, and that she might find

safety/comfort there. When they are both 18 and if they are both

still in love, you can offer the girl your own home as an escape, so

she might have the courage to stand on her own against her mother.

It's very sad, but there's really not much more you could do for them

both.

This all reminds me of someone else's sad story about young love and

Nada's hate, perhaps it may interest you:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/51730

>

> Hi. My son is almost 17 and he loves a girl at his school who is in

> the same grade and is almost 16. She loves him, too, and their

> relationship had started to blossom in November. Our family loves

> this girl, and we've enjoyed spending time with her. We were all

> shocked, however, when her mother started going berserk, and

> eventually sent us a certified later saying that my son and I may not

> have any contact with her and her daughter whatsoever (outside of

> school)-- and she sent a copy to the police and the school! The kids'

> behavior has been above reproach, always supervised, and the only

> physical contact they have had is holding hands. I have spoken with a

> psychologist about this situation and she thinks the mom has BPD. The

> kids are getting frustrated with each other, b/c they are both now

> walking on egg shells in school so as not to upset the mom more, but

> they are intrepeting each other's actions as not caring about the

> relationship anymore. They both have bebo pages online and they're

> trying to communicate to each other on their OWN pages in coded ways

> b/c they know the mom will get mad if she knows they're trying to

> communicate. But they're getting mad at each other b/c it's such a

> messed-up situation. I think the girl is scared to death of what her

> mother might do next -- she has threatened to move to another state.

> It's so bizarre. My questions for all of you are -- How can I help my

> son in this situation? and How can I help his friend? My son really

> loves her, but it's obvious that she is " messed up " b/c of her

> mother's control and dominance, and she is inadvertantly hurting my

> son b/c of it (brushing him off in school, etc. She told him, " I'm

> not allowed to be depressed in school. " And, regarding walking with

> her in the hall: " I really want you to, but you'd better not. " Yet

> she gets mad at him if he doesn't talk to HER in school -- which

> sometimes he avoids her b/c it's such a painful situation. They used

> to talk on the phone a lot after school, and email each other. Can't

> do that any more.)What should he do? He had thought she was " the

> one " , and he has been very protective and loving toward her, but now

> he's really hurting and doesn't know if he should just give up. I

> feel terrible for my son, and also for the girl, who is obviously

> living a nightmare with her mom (it's just the two of them living in

> an apt -- the mom is twice-divorced.)Thanks for any advice you can

> offer!

>

[Guest guest]

Ariel Kath and all, I guess my reasoning is this. As a teen or as a

young adult I have openly talked with professionals ranging from

Therapist to Pastors to Doctors and police officers. All kinds of

mandated reporters I have told them of abuse, while it was happening

and after it happened. But nobody was ever, ever, ever, able to do

anything! I have little faith in the system. Even family did nothing

and the abuse was thick. So whose place is it to step in? I would

say a family or officials more than a kid at school or their mom.

Of course somebody could attempt to step in but how much would it

do? I have personally even had a mandated reported see my mom in

action and do nothing even after I asked for help.

At this point we are speculating that this girl is afraid to talk to

the boy. We are also speculating that the mom had BPD by the other

mom who talked to a therapist about her. Of course her extreme

behavior proves to be odd and a red flag to us KO's but really at

this point they are just teen age friends, is it really the boys

family's place to step in? Would it not be more appropriate for a

girl friends family to step in if there was a real immediate danger?

And then at that point maybe 2 or more families plus the school

counselor and principal should be involved if we are talking time

for her to move out.

In my non professional opinion children will be able to make it out

ok and yes it may take them longer but if somebody tries to force

them out this may have the opposite affect. ly even thought I

was scared of my mom and even though I knew she was nuts I did not

want to leave her she was all I knew. I think leaving her before I

was ready would have been devastating to my recovery. Kids will

bounce back they will recover.

And I am not saying it is bad to have boyfriends or girlfriends. I

dated but there is a lot more to being a teen than dating and it is

fun to be single to. I wish I would have taken advantage of that

more. My story was much like Bunny's.

There is a time to step in and a time to walk away. At this point I

have a friend for example who is struggling with BPD and I am not

saying much because I quit honestly have had enough with my own

mother. Yes I know a lot about the issue and that is exactly why I

am running like hell. I don't want to sound like a cold b* & %^ but it

really takes a toll on the whole family and that is a BIG something

to consider. So I think everybody has to do a family and self

evaluation. When is it best to walk away and when is it best to step

in? When talking teens and small children I think it may be best to

walk away again my non professional opinion. I think IF there is a

valid concern for abuse maybe the boy's family should talk to the

school councilor.

I would not even recommend secretly passing notes or secretly

communicating because they always find out somehow all secrets will

come out to light. Just like Bunny's mom found out that is the prime

example. Somebody always lets the cat out of the bag. If this lady

is really crazy I would hate to see the daughter suffer. If they

want to communicate the daughter should do it openly.

This is just so dangerous for all kids and Teens I am really sorry

to all who have to be involved. I don't want to turn and eye but

personally I don't want to be involved with BP's if I don't have to.

I hope this better explains what I was trying to say. Love Lizzy

> >

> > annmm,I agree with the others. Even if it seems sad

please

> > feel relieved. If your son would marry somebody with a BP mother

> his

> > life would be worse than hell. .... I am

> > sure this girl is terrified. But you dont need to save her she

> will

> > learn to save her self we all do... Nobody can save somebody

else,

> we

> > can only save our self. That is a hard leson in life to learn

but

> it

> > is true. ...A BP will stop an nothing. They are not right in the

> mind. My mom

> > was always trying to either force or push away high school boys

on

> > me. The fact that this lady is pushing your son away consider

you

> > family the lucky family. ..

> >

> > Having him try to maintain this friendship you might as well be

> put

> > a grenade in his hand and pull the pin for him... Harsh as it

> sounds

> > that is the reality of ANY relationship involving BP`s...

>

>

> I am torn by this reply. Yes, it is important to protect our

> children, give them the best chance at life, encourage healthy

> relationships, not rush into serious ones to soon...and all of us

> have learned what happens when you take on a BP first hand...

>

> BUT! I have a real problem with the attitude of " I can't do

> anything " when it is really " I can't be bothered to do anything!.

> It's not my place, not my kid, none of my business, nothing to do

> with me... When children (or adults) aren't able to leave an

abusive

> situation, I truely feel there is moral obligation NOT to look the

> other way! In many professions, there is a legal obligation to

> report it. When I was young and I told the few people I could

trust

> about my nada, they too turned away and pretended nothing happened

> or called me a liar or crazy. The truth was they didn't want to

deal

> with my high-society parents( " Hey, there's nothing I can do! " ).

My

> nada got her way, felt completely justified in any degree of abuse

> she handed out, and I literally just barely escaped with my life!!

>

> Do you really believe this girl will eventually learn to save

> herself if left alone?! Did we?!!

>

> After my escape, I remember a half-life, filled with fear, self-

> hatred, lack of trust, depression and anxiety, which took me

20Years

> and lots of therapyto work through. I lost 15 years of my life and

> will ned medical for the physical and pschological damage she was

> ALLOWED to inflict for the rest of it. AND I consider myself one

of

> the lucky ones! I can't help, but wonder how much pain I would

have

> been spared if someone had had the courage to do the right thing

> when I was young and say " Enough! " .

>

> I realize that helping other victims of BP's is difficult,

> sometimes impossible, but I feel strongly that people shouldn't

look

> the other way and just ignore it's happening. Abuse should never

be

> tolerated.

>

> Ariel

>

[Guest guest]

I have been reading the posts on this one, and wow..So nice to be in

a place with people with many different views, ways, help, and

support...Especially since I have a teen, and one on her way to a

teen.

I have a 16 year old daughter, and she is a little immature

socially, but has a lot of friends, and for the past year has shown

an interest in boys. My thoughts as a parent is that when they hit

that teenage time; it is very difficult to try to tell them what to

do, how to do it, when, etc. (in other words parent.) In a

parenting class I took, I was taught the importance of providing as

many tools to my children before hitting the " teens " stage, in hopes

that they use these tools towards their successes at being an

adult. If we start telling them " they can't " as a teenager, that

only makes them go contrary to what we want.

Your compassion for your son is awesome, and reiterating your

empathy, concerns, and love are my suggestions. As for his

girlfriend issue, as a parent there comes a time when we have to

step back and allow them to make their own decisions (of course with

our help), but really only on an emotional level (in my opinion).

All we can do is be there for them, help guide them, and support

their decisions. I can only imagine how difficult this must be to

watch your son in pain over this issue with his girlfriend; if only

we could put our kids in a glass jar and protect them from pain, we

would--but we can't. I think this is even hard for us survivors of

BPD because we take parenting totally different then our family

members with BPD.

I cannot imagine persuading him to not fall in love or be in love

with someone who has a BPD parent " just " because his life would be

horrible in having to deal with a lifetime of misery. I say this

because I would have never met my husband if his parents thought

this of me. I am not a bad person, even though I have had my issues

and still have major issues with my nada every once in a while, I

cannot imagine what it would have been like had my husband and/or

his family judged me on my nada.

My nada made it impossible at the beginning to be with my husband,

she called my husbands parents and accused them of being in a cult,

she didn't even come to my wedding, but my husband still married

me. Problems and all...

Your sons girlfriend is a little younger, and trust me 16 is

different then 17. Especially if she just turned 16...Nevertheless,

I wish you luck with your son; mom to mom--be there for him, love

him, and support him through these changes. As a mom with a

daughter who just turned sixteen, I could easily go wacko over

little things if it involved a 17 year old boy. I doubt I would go

to the degree this parent did, but I agree with one of the posts

that we really don't know if she is BPD. When it comes to my

daughter, there might be some boyfriends that think I am BPD (lol,

just kidding). She has been pretty good with who she has brought to

meet us, but it is very scary as a mom with a daughter. We think

about sex, drugs, making out, and all those awful things we don't

want her doing until she is 30 (just kidding), but seriously it is

scary.

Good luck, and please know these are just my opinions and

suggestions for you, and/or others who may be dealing with similar

issues. Know we are all here to support you in whatever decisions

you make as a parent. Trust your parenting...And keep us posted as

to what happens.

erbussmom

>

> Hi. My son is almost 17 and he loves a girl at his school who is

in

> the same grade and is almost 16. She loves him, too, and their

> relationship had started to blossom in November. Our family loves

> this girl, and we've enjoyed spending time with her. We were all

> shocked, however, when her mother started going berserk, and

> eventually sent us a certified later saying that my son and I may

not

> have any contact with her and her daughter whatsoever (outside of

> school)-- and she sent a copy to the police and the school! The

kids'

> behavior has been above reproach, always supervised, and the only

> physical contact they have had is holding hands. I have spoken

with a

> psychologist about this situation and she thinks the mom has BPD.

The

> kids are getting frustrated with each other, b/c they are both now

> walking on egg shells in school so as not to upset the mom more,

but

> they are intrepeting each other's actions as not caring about the

> relationship anymore. They both have bebo pages online and they're

> trying to communicate to each other on their OWN pages in coded

ways

> b/c they know the mom will get mad if she knows they're trying to

> communicate. But they're getting mad at each other b/c it's such a

> messed-up situation. I think the girl is scared to death of what

her

> mother might do next -- she has threatened to move to another

state.

> It's so bizarre. My questions for all of you are -- How can I help

my

> son in this situation? and How can I help his friend? My son

really

> loves her, but it's obvious that she is " messed up " b/c of her

> mother's control and dominance, and she is inadvertantly hurting

my

> son b/c of it (brushing him off in school, etc. She told him, " I'm

> not allowed to be depressed in school. " And, regarding walking

with

> her in the hall: " I really want you to, but you'd better not. " Yet

> she gets mad at him if he doesn't talk to HER in school -- which

> sometimes he avoids her b/c it's such a painful situation. They

used

> to talk on the phone a lot after school, and email each other.

Can't

> do that any more.)What should he do? He had thought she was " the

> one " , and he has been very protective and loving toward her, but

now

> he's really hurting and doesn't know if he should just give up. I

> feel terrible for my son, and also for the girl, who is obviously

> living a nightmare with her mom (it's just the two of them living

in

> an apt -- the mom is twice-divorced.)Thanks for any advice you can

> offer!

>

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

I deeply appologize that my post sounded accusitory. I didn't

mean to imply that you were taking the position of those who turn

away. It is a very sensitive subject with me, not only because of my

own past, but because my work frequently involves abused people and

I am witness to the irreversible damage abuse causes. I call it

the " gift that keeps on giving " , as the cycle of abused turned

abuser is so prevelent. I know that all you say is true. There

really isn't a lot any individual can do, and yes, the authorities

and agencies do very little when it is reported. It just makes me

feel so helpless, which leads to triggering the anxiety I battle

evry day from the terrorizing I was subjected to as a child. In the

back of my mind I know if just one person had stepped up to the

plate and said or reported something, it would have made the level

of the abuse less. Nada IS her image in society, and would do

NOTHING to threaten it. She took the fact that I said things to

people and they did nothing, as public approval and definitive proof

that she was doing nothing wrong. Once she knew I had no support,

the intensity and severity of the abuse escalated dramatically. She

literally almost killed me! I'm not saying that the abuse could have

been prevented, or that anyone would have intervened, but the fact

that people simply turned a blind eye, left me feeling helpless and

crazy-as if I were just imagining that what she did was wrong. She

used inaction to re-enforce her belief she had the right to do

anything she wanted to me, that it wasn't really abuse (after all

people would say something if it was, right?), and that anything she

did " have " to do-I obviously deserved!

This whole area is a HUGE trigger for me! Didn't mean it to turn

into a vent aimed at any of you in the group. I am thankful that I

finally found a safe place to let these feelings out. In my work,

and life I usually end up toxically seething, which only perpetuates

what she did.

Ariel

> > >

> > > annmm,I agree with the others. Even if it seems sad

> please

> > > feel relieved. If your son would marry somebody with a BP

mother

> > his

> > > life would be worse than hell. .... I am

> > > sure this girl is terrified. But you dont need to save her she

> > will

> > > learn to save her self we all do... Nobody can save somebody

> else,

> > we

> > > can only save our self. That is a hard leson in life to learn

> but

> > it

> > > is true. ...A BP will stop an nothing. They are not right in

the

> > mind. My mom

> > > was always trying to either force or push away high school

boys

> on

> > > me. The fact that this lady is pushing your son away consider

> you

> > > family the lucky family. ..

> > >

> > > Having him try to maintain this friendship you might as well

be

> > put

> > > a grenade in his hand and pull the pin for him... Harsh as it

> > sounds

> > > that is the reality of ANY relationship involving BP`s...

> >

> >

> > I am torn by this reply. Yes, it is important to protect our

> > children, give them the best chance at life, encourage healthy

> > relationships, not rush into serious ones to soon...and all of

us

> > have learned what happens when you take on a BP first hand...

> >

> > BUT! I have a real problem with the attitude of " I can't do

> > anything " when it is really " I can't be bothered to do

anything!.

> > It's not my place, not my kid, none of my business, nothing to

do

> > with me... When children (or adults) aren't able to leave an

> abusive

> > situation, I truely feel there is moral obligation NOT to look

the

> > other way! In many professions, there is a legal obligation to

> > report it. When I was young and I told the few people I could

> trust

> > about my nada, they too turned away and pretended nothing

happened

> > or called me a liar or crazy. The truth was they didn't want to

> deal

> > with my high-society parents( " Hey, there's nothing I can do! " ).

> My

> > nada got her way, felt completely justified in any degree of

abuse

> > she handed out, and I literally just barely escaped with my

life!!

> >

> > Do you really believe this girl will eventually learn to save

> > herself if left alone?! Did we?!!

> >

> > After my escape, I remember a half-life, filled with fear,

self-

> > hatred, lack of trust, depression and anxiety, which took me

> 20Years

> > and lots of therapyto work through. I lost 15 years of my life

and

> > will ned medical for the physical and pschological damage she

was

> > ALLOWED to inflict for the rest of it. AND I consider myself one

> of

> > the lucky ones! I can't help, but wonder how much pain I would

> have

> > been spared if someone had had the courage to do the right thing

> > when I was young and say " Enough! " .

> >

> > I realize that helping other victims of BP's is difficult,

> > sometimes impossible, but I feel strongly that people shouldn't

> look

> > the other way and just ignore it's happening. Abuse should never

> be

> > tolerated.

> >

> > Ariel

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ariel, Thank you but dont worry I did not feel attacked, there is no

need for an apology. I just thought maybe I did not do a good job

of explaining my self. Sometimes I tend to give a fast answer so I

need to learn to be more detailed. So I also apologize it is really

something I try to be better at it can get me in trouble if I

don't ;^) I know totally what you mean about this being a button

pusher. It is for me to. I sometimes think why did nobody step in

for me but in the end I am glad I walked the road I did and I am

glad how things worked out.

I think the main thing here is that the line is fine when to stand

up and when to walk away. I have a deep respect for you and people

in your field. It has to be hard especially for you after all you

have gone through. When you see things happening but you know your

hands are tied that must be so hard for you! But you just show how

strong you are.

I think for me for example the reason I would say for this family to

walk away is I would fear what would the mom do to the girl and the

boy and maybe even the boys family. I know when things did not go my

moms way I paid dearly. And often she made sure that the people I

loved paid also. So unless they had a " set in stone " plan that was

my reason why I thought they should run. I would not want to be cold

hearted but sometimes it is in everybody's best interest even the

girls for the time. I hope this is more clear.

I am happy to be married. That is the other thing. I don't want to

sound judgmental like nobody should be able to get married if they

have a crazy mom! That was not what I meant at all! But I think once

you are ready for any serious commitment where the parent is missing

some marbles both partners need to be ready for anything and mature

about it because there will be lots of curve balls coming that way!

My husband and I have had a great time and been able to give each

other strength through this but my mom almost did destroy our

marriage through lies so I think it is very important to be ready! I

do have a great sadness for the girl I will be saying a prayer for

her. I hope she does escape and find her way.

Well keep up the good work at your job! And thanks for the post.

Don't feel bad about venting that is exactly why we are here okay!

Lots of love Lizzy

> > > >

> > > > annmm,I agree with the others. Even if it seems sad

> > please

> > > > feel relieved. If your son would marry somebody with a BP

> mother

> > > his

> > > > life would be worse than hell. .... I am

> > > > sure this girl is terrified. But you dont need to save her

she

> > > will

> > > > learn to save her self we all do... Nobody can save somebody

> > else,

> > > we

> > > > can only save our self. That is a hard leson in life to

learn

> > but

> > > it

> > > > is true. ...A BP will stop an nothing. They are not right in

> the

> > > mind. My mom

> > > > was always trying to either force or push away high school

> boys

> > on

> > > > me. The fact that this lady is pushing your son away

consider

> > you

> > > > family the lucky family. ..

> > > >

> > > > Having him try to maintain this friendship you might as well

> be

> > > put

> > > > a grenade in his hand and pull the pin for him... Harsh as

it

> > > sounds

> > > > that is the reality of ANY relationship involving BP`s...

> > >

> > >

> > > I am torn by this reply. Yes, it is important to protect our

> > > children, give them the best chance at life, encourage healthy

> > > relationships, not rush into serious ones to soon...and all of

> us

> > > have learned what happens when you take on a BP first hand...

> > >

> > > BUT! I have a real problem with the attitude of " I can't do

> > > anything " when it is really " I can't be bothered to do

> anything!.

> > > It's not my place, not my kid, none of my business, nothing to

> do

> > > with me... When children (or adults) aren't able to leave an

> > abusive

> > > situation, I truely feel there is moral obligation NOT to look

> the

> > > other way! In many professions, there is a legal obligation to

> > > report it. When I was young and I told the few people I could

> > trust

> > > about my nada, they too turned away and pretended nothing

> happened

> > > or called me a liar or crazy. The truth was they didn't want

to

> > deal

> > > with my high-society parents( " Hey, there's nothing I can

do! " ).

> > My

> > > nada got her way, felt completely justified in any degree of

> abuse

> > > she handed out, and I literally just barely escaped with my

> life!!

> > >

> > > Do you really believe this girl will eventually learn to

save

> > > herself if left alone?! Did we?!!

> > >

> > > After my escape, I remember a half-life, filled with fear,

> self-

> > > hatred, lack of trust, depression and anxiety, which took me

> > 20Years

> > > and lots of therapyto work through. I lost 15 years of my life

> and

> > > will ned medical for the physical and pschological damage she

> was

> > > ALLOWED to inflict for the rest of it. AND I consider myself

one

> > of

> > > the lucky ones! I can't help, but wonder how much pain I would

> > have

> > > been spared if someone had had the courage to do the right

thing

> > > when I was young and say " Enough! " .

> > >

> > > I realize that helping other victims of BP's is difficult,

> > > sometimes impossible, but I feel strongly that people

shouldn't

> > look

> > > the other way and just ignore it's happening. Abuse should

never

> > be

> > > tolerated.

> > >

> > > Ariel

> > >

> >

>