I am standing up for myself... fear..anger...guilt

[Guest guest]

I am preparing a statement for the court so our family can have some

peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling the truth about how

vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention selfish my so called

mother is? It feels awful.

But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a state statute for

protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything I've experienced.

Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of idiots with

uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will be worth it, but

right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it sucks and why would

any human being CHOOSE to put someone through this???

I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright mean, as she will

certainly control herself in front of the judge. She'll be so sweet

and innocent... she'll probably cry some real tears and be just so

innocent, why are we picking on her??? I haven't been on her

property or contacted her at all for 4 years, why is that so bad?

It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass HER. She was trying

everything she could to break us apart as a family, and she has NOT

succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety is at times more

severe, but I can say it has opened up my world a lot, and I have

grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to enjoy my family, not

watch the mail for threats and crazy insinuations. I still feel

sucked into trying to defend myself... though I've not done anything

wrong.

I did cuss her out once, but only because it was the only way I

could get her to get off the phone and stop calling me. That is

certainly not a crime.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit better. This just

shows you how we can be totally feeling positive one moment. and how

a BPD person can rock our world, over and over. Maybe I'll have

peace someday before they are putting flowers on my grave.

Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone out there

understands.

[Guest guest]

>

> I am preparing a statement for the court so our family can have

some

> peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling the truth about how

> vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention selfish my so called

> mother is? It feels awful.

>

> But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a state statute for

> protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything I've experienced.

> Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of idiots with

> uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will be worth it, but

> right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it sucks and why would

> any human being CHOOSE to put someone through this???

>

> I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright mean, as she will

> certainly control herself in front of the judge. She'll be so

sweet

> and innocent... she'll probably cry some real tears and be just so

> innocent, why are we picking on her??? I haven't been on her

> property or contacted her at all for 4 years, why is that so bad?

> It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass HER. She was

trying

> everything she could to break us apart as a family, and she has NOT

> succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety is at times more

> severe, but I can say it has opened up my world a lot, and I have

> grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to enjoy my family, not

> watch the mail for threats and crazy insinuations. I still feel

> sucked into trying to defend myself... though I've not done

anything

> wrong.

>

> I did cuss her out once, but only because it was the only way I

> could get her to get off the phone and stop calling me. That is

> certainly not a crime.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit better. This just

> shows you how we can be totally feeling positive one moment. and

how

> a BPD person can rock our world, over and over. Maybe I'll have

> peace someday before they are putting flowers on my grave.

>

> Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone out there

> understands.

>

Kudos to you, you certainly aren't taking the path of least

resistence in the short run, but in the long run you are going to

have relief.

Of course you feel fear, anxiety, and guilt You have been trained our

whole life to suppress your inner feelings, suck it up, and take care

of your mother. The fear is conditioned into us when we don't do as

we're told. We learn that we are supposed to take care of them, and

our needs don't matter either to them, and shouldn't matter to us.

If your mother feels free to hurt you and your family, she doesn't

have the right to call on the family loyalty card...she hasn't been

loyal to you. Be loyal to yourself by not taking the c**p anymore. By

removing yourself, you are simply taking yourself and your family out

of firing range. You arent doing anything to her. Its so hard to take

care of yourself first, good work. Tell the truth...I bet judges are

used to crocodile tears and denial..they probably see it on a regular

basis.

[Guest guest]

WOW! I think you just confirmed my worst fear! I've tryed to get away from my

mother; only to have her stalk me. Now I've been trying to just keep my distance

while still letting them (the foo) be a part of my lives. Mainly because I am

sick of the hassle of having to expalin to managers and instructors and

sometimes even friends, why my mother has called them and dogged me out/ made up

crazy lies. She can find me anywhere and she has no job, ruining my life, is her

life! So this way I feel like I can atleast regulate more.

BUT I am moving soon and I was thinking about trying to cut off contact with

all of my foo at that time. (They are driving me crazy, literally) Only now you

say this about having to take your mother to court. I do believe that will be me

one day. I am sure that is the only way I could have a normal life. It makes me

sad and sick to think about though.

Well I want to wish you the best of luck! And I wanted you to know that I

really admire you for your courage to stand up for yourself! I'm sure everything

will turn out in your favor. And try not to be embarrassed, (I KNOW it's HARD)

But remember if anyone should be embarrassed it is HER! She is the one causing

the drama. You are just being taken along for the ride.

---------------------------------

Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate

in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q & A.

[Guest guest]

Good luck to you in this very hard process. I haven't

had to do anything legal, so I can only imagine how

hard this is for you. I have though had to draw very

tough boundaries with both my mother and

mother-in-law. And I am the only one who has done it,

so I must be the crazy one, the one with the problem.

Anyway, I know what is like to take a stand, alone and

stand by your convictions for years. It is tough, but

I have to for my sanity and think you probably do as

well.

Be strong and trust your instincts. Don't let anyone

make you back down. I do hope it all goes smoothly

for you, and you can get the outcome you are looking

for!!

--- search4pc wrote:

> I am preparing a statement for the court so our

> family can have some

> peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling the

> truth about how

> vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention selfish

> my so called

> mother is? It feels awful.

>

> But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a state

> statute for

> protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything I've

> experienced.

> Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of

> idiots with

> uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will be

> worth it, but

> right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it

> sucks and why would

> any human being CHOOSE to put someone through

> this???

>

> I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright mean,

> as she will

> certainly control herself in front of the judge.

> She'll be so sweet

> and innocent... she'll probably cry some real tears

> and be just so

> innocent, why are we picking on her??? I haven't

> been on her

> property or contacted her at all for 4 years, why is

> that so bad?

> It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass HER.

> She was trying

> everything she could to break us apart as a family,

> and she has NOT

> succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety is

> at times more

> severe, but I can say it has opened up my world a

> lot, and I have

> grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to enjoy

> my family, not

> watch the mail for threats and crazy insinuations.

> I still feel

> sucked into trying to defend myself... though I've

> not done anything

> wrong.

>

> I did cuss her out once, but only because it was the

> only way I

> could get her to get off the phone and stop calling

> me. That is

> certainly not a crime.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit

> better. This just

> shows you how we can be totally feeling positive one

> moment. and how

> a BPD person can rock our world, over and over.

> Maybe I'll have

> peace someday before they are putting flowers on my

> grave.

>

> Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone out

> there

> understands.

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

(and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures list.

http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/265

[Guest guest]

search4pc:

Nothing applies so well to the Bible verse: " The truth shall set you

free "

You know, deep down, that this is true. All you're doing is telling

the truth. How the chips fall after that is simply the world doing

what it does -- it's out of your hands.

Stay strong and know that as you write down all the truths, every

one of us stands strong with you in spirit.

I felt the same way in a showdown with my fada last Saturday. The

feelings you expressed are the same ones I was having -- it's called

FREEDOM FROM OPPRESSION! If we all have the same feelings as we

find our way into the light, then we MUST be on to something!

You're not alone! I'm proud of you and inspired by you!

Hugs,

Kyla

>

> I am preparing a statement for the court so our family can have

some

> peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling the truth about

how

> vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention selfish my so called

> mother is? It feels awful.

>

> But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a state statute for

> protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything I've experienced.

> Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of idiots with

> uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will be worth it, but

> right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it sucks and why

would

> any human being CHOOSE to put someone through this???

>

> I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright mean, as she will

> certainly control herself in front of the judge. She'll be so

sweet

> and innocent... she'll probably cry some real tears and be just so

> innocent, why are we picking on her??? I haven't been on her

> property or contacted her at all for 4 years, why is that so bad?

> It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass HER. She was

trying

> everything she could to break us apart as a family, and she has

NOT

> succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety is at times more

> severe, but I can say it has opened up my world a lot, and I have

> grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to enjoy my family, not

> watch the mail for threats and crazy insinuations. I still feel

> sucked into trying to defend myself... though I've not done

anything

> wrong.

>

> I did cuss her out once, but only because it was the only way I

> could get her to get off the phone and stop calling me. That is

> certainly not a crime.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit better. This just

> shows you how we can be totally feeling positive one moment. and

how

> a BPD person can rock our world, over and over. Maybe I'll have

> peace someday before they are putting flowers on my grave.

>

> Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone out there

> understands.

>

[Guest guest]

amydenada wrote:

" Of course you feel fear, anxiety, and guilt You have been trained

our

whole life to suppress your inner feelings, suck it up, and take care

of your mother. The fear is conditioned into us when we don't do as

we're told. We learn that we are supposed to take care of them, and

our needs don't matter either to them, and shouldn't matter to us.

If your mother feels free to hurt you and your family, she doesn't

have the right to call on the family loyalty card...she hasn't been

loyal to you. Be loyal to yourself by not taking the c**p anymore. By

removing yourself, you are simply taking yourself and your family out

of firing range. You arent doing anything to her. Its so hard to take

care of yourself first, good work. Tell the truth...I bet judges are

used to crocodile tears and denial..they probably see it on a regular

basis. "

So true! All of it! I draw such inspiration from those words! I

usually watch Judge Judy while I'm making dinner and those

manipulators come before her and try to pull one over on her and

she's seen it all -- she's got a nose for when they're trying to

work her over.

Last Saturday, I had a blow up with dishrag, who is trying

DESPERATELY to get me to come back to nada's blubbering, I'm-such-a-

victim side. I finally drew the line in the sand and said I

wouldn't do it. I was firm, yet my language was respectful. He

should have respected that, right?

But your words " fear conditioned to us when we don't do as we're

told.....our needs don't matter to them.....we're supposed to take

care of them... " explain why, after I told my feelings, my " sweet,

kind " dishrag fada BLEW UP at me!

And do you know, at age 44, that was the very first time I had ever

stood my ground and stated very clearly where I stood on an issue?

It's past time!

Your post summed all of this very well. The fear, anger and guilt

we all feel.

I have to say, the feelings DO settle down -- especially when you

know you spoke the truth.

Thanks!

Kyla

> >

> > I am preparing a statement for the court so our family can have

> some

> > peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling the truth about

how

> > vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention selfish my so called

> > mother is? It feels awful.

> >

> > But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a state statute for

> > protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything I've

experienced.

> > Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of idiots with

> > uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will be worth it, but

> > right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it sucks and why

would

> > any human being CHOOSE to put someone through this???

> >

> > I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright mean, as she will

> > certainly control herself in front of the judge. She'll be so

> sweet

>

>

>

> > and innocent... she'll probably cry some real tears and be just

so

> > innocent, why are we picking on her??? I haven't been on her

> > property or contacted her at all for 4 years, why is that so

bad?

> > It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass HER. She was

> trying

> > everything she could to break us apart as a family, and she has

NOT

> > succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety is at times

more

> > severe, but I can say it has opened up my world a lot, and I

have

> > grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to enjoy my family,

not

> > watch the mail for threats and crazy insinuations. I still feel

> > sucked into trying to defend myself... though I've not done

> anything

> > wrong.

> >

> > I did cuss her out once, but only because it was the only way I

> > could get her to get off the phone and stop calling me. That is

> > certainly not a crime.

> >

> > Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit better. This

just

> > shows you how we can be totally feeling positive one moment. and

> how

> > a BPD person can rock our world, over and over. Maybe I'll

have

> > peace someday before they are putting flowers on my grave.

> >

> > Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone out there

> > understands.

> >

>

> Kudos to you, you certainly aren't taking the path of least

> resistence in the short run, but in the long run you are going to

> have relief.

> Of course you feel fear, anxiety, and guilt You have been trained

our

> whole life to suppress your inner feelings, suck it up, and take

care

> of your mother. The fear is conditioned into us when we don't do

as

> we're told. We learn that we are supposed to take care of them,

and

> our needs don't matter either to them, and shouldn't matter to us.

> If your mother feels free to hurt you and your family, she doesn't

> have the right to call on the family loyalty card...she hasn't

been

> loyal to you. Be loyal to yourself by not taking the c**p anymore.

By

> removing yourself, you are simply taking yourself and your family

out

> of firing range. You arent doing anything to her. Its so hard to

take

> care of yourself first, good work. Tell the truth...I bet judges

are

> used to crocodile tears and denial..they probably see it on a

regular

> basis.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you!!

All I really want is to be able to go about by business in peace. I

feel that is one thing I'm entitled to is just to be left alone.

Thanks for your encouraging words.

[Guest guest]

I really DO understand, you have put up with a lot...

I just don't understand WHY they get so much out of the lying, the

making up stories, trying to get allies, my nada has done all of this,

too. It is like there's a very predictable pattern, and the pieces

all fit the same puzzle.

We have to have this sort of validation -- everyone needs to know they

aren't the only ones. I've always felt sorry for my mother cause my

dad died when she was 40. But she's had 30 some odd years to work out

her grief...

I truly look up to you and appreciate your kind words.

Bless you,

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Hugs!!

Thanks and I truly appreciate your time in replying. Isn't it

strange the strength we get knowing that others truly understand.

And its not like you can just bring this stuff up to friends who

have " normal " lives, as it definitely has its own side effects. I

wish I'd have done this sooner!!! It is just so scary, and it must

be that I was " programmed " to NOT look after myself that it feel so

unnatural. But when I look at my daughters, oh I would never want

them to feel bad just for wanting to be happy. They truly are

happy, they don't have the hangups that I have. FOr that I am so

thankful. The scary thing is, if I had stayed with nada, I would

have retained some of her behaviors without knowing it. I know I

have to do this. It is the right thing. Whether FOO or the

community thinks so or not.

If I get the protective order, its still up to me to avoid her, or

she'll lie and say I followed her (in this state it goes both ways,

I can't contact her, either). BUt at least if she approaches me in

public, I can walk away, knowing that she can't follow me and do her

evil little game.

Thank you a bazillion.

You are a true inspiration so I can do this with some support.

[Guest guest]

I guess its timely for a Luther King quote, as well:

a lie cannot live.

Also:

Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.

The best way I can love my mother is to let her go. She has a

husband to take care of her. If I were to try to deal with her I

would have to absolutely abandon my own family. Now, that doesn't

make much sense.

also:

Freedom is never voluntarily given by an oppressor. it must be

demanded by the oppressed.

On a very small scale, she is trying to oppress me and I must demand

my freedom to be a whole person.

There have been times in the past four years I have feared for my

life. She has insinuated that she carries a gun, but not in exact

words so she can't be accused of anything. I have become much more

spiritual and less concerned with material things, or the " what

others think " syndrome. In that way I am more productive and

creative. There is a silver lining-- just sometimes it takes others

to point it out.

Eventually I will be able to express myself without fearing " she "

will find my words and use them against me. I keep thinking I will

continue posting here so that I can practice actually HAVING some

thoughts of my own. Isn't that something, to be 41 and just now

developing thoughts of my own???? It is a blessing, a true true

blessing.

Some never get to do that, so I am thankful and humbled by the whole

thing. Love and hugs to anyone who needs them.

I just love everybody right now...

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

You know, it is funny. I have just recently (two

months ago) found out about BP. Up until then, I had

been to some counseling, read books, etc. and all I

really had was my own perception, feelings, instincts

and conviction. I KNEW what the truth was, but no

diagnosis to back it up. Now that I am finding all of

this validation, I realize, I needed that time without

it, to have only myself, because it was then that I

grew in so many ways. Grown to trust myself, and

stood alone, draw tough bounderies, giving up many

things like, attention, favor with foo, connections

that could have helped me professionally, etc. But I

made that trade willingly and now I feel like I can

survive no matter what. I will say, that without GOD

I would be nothing, but I don't need any other person

to make me okay or to tell me what should be in my

mind.

I think my finding out about BP now is about a whole

other phase of growth. A different kind of growth.

One that will bring me peace and allow me to let some

things go and fine tune some of my hangups or work out

some of my fleas.

But you are so right and I have thought it many times

before. That just because I stood alone, didn't mean

I was wrong!! We all here are in different places in

our journey to health, but we are all having to stand

strong and believe in what we know is right.

Thanks for your response!

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> Absolutely, KK!

>

> Standing alone is sometimes erroneously looked on as

> being " wrong " --

> and there are countless examples throughout human

> history of people

> finally deciding enough is enough and risking

> everything to stand on

> their truth. They were ridiculed, ostracized, and

> even threatened

> with death!

>

> They've gone before us and shown us the way. We can

> each stand

> alone to our FOO and extended families. We can be

> the only voice in

> the wilderness and still be " right " as our personal

> truth tells us

> we are.

>

> Standing alone does not mean " wrong " .

>

> -Kyla

>

>

> >

> > > I am preparing a statement for the court so our

> > > family can have some

> > > peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling

> the

> > > truth about how

> > > vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention

> selfish

> > > my so called

> > > mother is? It feels awful.

> > >

> > > But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a

> state

> > > statute for

> > > protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything

> I've

> > > experienced.

> > > Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of

> > > idiots with

> > > uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will

> be

> > > worth it, but

> > > right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it

> > > sucks and why would

> > > any human being CHOOSE to put someone through

> > > this???

> > >

> > > I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright

> mean,

> > > as she will

> > > certainly control herself in front of the judge.

>

> > > She'll be so sweet

> > > and innocent... she'll probably cry some real

> tears

> > > and be just so

> > > innocent, why are we picking on her??? I

> haven't

> > > been on her

> > > property or contacted her at all for 4 years,

> why is

> > > that so bad?

> > > It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass

> HER.

> > > She was trying

> > > everything she could to break us apart as a

> family,

> > > and she has NOT

> > > succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety

> is

> > > at times more

> > > severe, but I can say it has opened up my world

> a

> > > lot, and I have

> > > grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to

> enjoy

> > > my family, not

> > > watch the mail for threats and crazy

> insinuations.

> > > I still feel

> > > sucked into trying to defend myself... though

> I've

> > > not done anything

> > > wrong.

> > >

> > > I did cuss her out once, but only because it was

> the

> > > only way I

> > > could get her to get off the phone and stop

> calling

> > > me. That is

> > > certainly not a crime.

> > >

> > > Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit

> > > better. This just

> > > shows you how we can be totally feeling positive

> one

> > > moment. and how

> > > a BPD person can rock our world, over and over.

>

> > > Maybe I'll have

> > > peace someday before they are putting flowers on

> my

> > > grave.

> > >

> > > Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone

> out

> > > there

> > > understands.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

> _______________

> > We won't tell. Get more on shows you hate to love

> > (and love to hate): Yahoo! TV's Guilty Pleasures

> list.

> > http://tv.yahoo.com/collections/265

> >

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Food fight? Enjoy some healthy debate

in the Yahoo! Answers Food & Drink Q & A.

http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list & sid=396545367

[Guest guest]

Whatever you need to do to protect your family... don't feel bad..

Your mom brought this upon herself.

Don't let your mom win by making you feel bad. You didn't do

anything wrong.

>

> I am preparing a statement for the court so our family can have

some

> peace. Why I do I feel guilty for only telling the truth about how

> vindictive, mean, cruel and not to mention selfish my so called

> mother is? It feels awful.

>

> But I have to do it. I hate having to go to a state statute for

> protection. It is embarassing, beyond anything I've experienced.

> Like having a rectal exam in front of a bunch of idiots with

> uniforms on. This is very hard work.. it will be worth it, but

> right now it just plain hurts. It hurts and it sucks and why would

> any human being CHOOSE to put someone through this???

>

> I guess I wonder, maybe she's just downright mean, as she will

> certainly control herself in front of the judge. She'll be so

sweet

> and innocent... she'll probably cry some real tears and be just so

> innocent, why are we picking on her??? I haven't been on her

> property or contacted her at all for 4 years, why is that so bad?

> It s not like I was trying to intrude or harass HER. She was

trying

> everything she could to break us apart as a family, and she has NOT

> succeeded!!! I have paid a price as my anxiety is at times more

> severe, but I can say it has opened up my world a lot, and I have

> grown. But I'm tired of it. I just want to enjoy my family, not

> watch the mail for threats and crazy insinuations. I still feel

> sucked into trying to defend myself... though I've not done

anything

> wrong.

>

> I did cuss her out once, but only because it was the only way I

> could get her to get off the phone and stop calling me. That is

> certainly not a crime.

>

> Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a teeny bit better. This just

> shows you how we can be totally feeling positive one moment. and

how

> a BPD person can rock our world, over and over. Maybe I'll have

> peace someday before they are putting flowers on my grave.

>

> Sorry for being such a whiner.... I know someone out there

> understands.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Daisy. I have to remember that...

I have noticed that when I am not watching my stress management, is

when I'm likely to feel bad. Thanks again!!!