Re: Telling others about our BPD parent

[Guest guest]

I don't know what you would buy telling someone about BPD. Heck,

they probably wouldn't even understand. I have told people that I

trust. My DH and my family. That is it!

I did try telling people and once you see their face and

immediately stopped.

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > I was just looking for some advice. I have never told anyone

but

> my

> > ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from

friends

> > in high school and college, and even when they knew something

was

> > strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not coming

out

> > or returning calls or inviting people over.

> >

> > Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job and I'm

> > making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to tell

> > people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told

people

> > at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along with

her.

> >

> > Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who to

tell

> > or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline Parent,

it

> > says that some people will start to judge you if you tell them

bc

> > they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily want

> people

> > at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a

career,

> > but I also feel like it would be such a release just to put it

out

> > there. It would also mean that everyone would understand when I

> had

> > a particularly stressful encounter etc.

> >

> > Any thoughts?

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

in my experience, I usually found a few coworkers that I hung out with and

befriended. I think that the emphasis is on friendship. This took time to know

who these people were after working a different places for a while. The thing I

experienced with telling anyone who doesn't know that much about bpd or didn't

have that expeirience, is that they don't GET IT. They still loved me for me,

but it made me feel a little awkward at times and that set off some fleas. So

as far as the BPD stuff goes, I decided to keep that separate from work. That

is why the people here are so important to me.

What does your gut tell you?

Greg.

chippiekittie wrote:

Hi all,

I was just looking for some advice. I have never told anyone but my

ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from friends

in high school and college, and even when they knew something was

strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not coming out

or returning calls or inviting people over.

Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job and I'm

making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to tell

people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told people

at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along with her.

Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who to tell

or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline Parent, it

says that some people will start to judge you if you tell them bc

they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily want people

at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a career,

but I also feel like it would be such a release just to put it out

there. It would also mean that everyone would understand when I had

a particularly stressful encounter etc.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

---------------------------------

Want to start your own business? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

[Guest guest]

Hi, .

I have a step-brother who has schizophrenia. While I don't walk around wearing

that slogan on a t-shirt, I've never hesitated to bring it up with anyone should

it be relevant to any conversation I'm having.

For me, this has really helped in being open about my nada's illness. I realize

I don't have anything to do with her BPD anymore than I'm responsible for my

step-brother's illness (he's on meds and doing great, btw, UNLIKE my nada.)

My good friends have always known el Nada was a psycho and have shared my joy in

discovering her diagnosis FINALLY. With other people, the topic of BPD usually

only comes up when they're complaining about someone in their life who has

BP-like qualities, and I might ask them if they know about it, and explain that

my mother has it. My experience has been people are usually curious and excited

to hear about it in that context... As far as responding when people ask why I

don't get along with her, I usually just say she has a personality disorder or

BPD -- if they want to judge me for that, I figure that's their problem!

I kind of feel like we do a service to others in talking openly about BPD

because it's a pretty common illness -- I wish someone had mentioned it to me

ten years ago, because then I could've read about it and diagnosed my nada (and

a few other relatives) much sooner!

Shana

Telling others about our BPD parent

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Hi all,

>

> I was just looking for some advice. I have never told anyone

> but my

> ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from

> friends

> in high school and college, and even when they knew something

> was

> strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not coming

> out

> or returning calls or inviting people over.

>

> Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job and I'm

> making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to tell

> people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told

> people

> at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along with

> her.

>

> Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who to

> tell

> or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline Parent,

> it

> says that some people will start to judge you if you tell them

> bc

> they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily want

> people

> at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a

> career,

> but I also feel like it would be such a release just to put it

> out

> there. It would also mean that everyone would understand when I

> had

> a particularly stressful encounter etc.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

and all, this is an interesting thread. I'm really careful about

how I bring this up with others because my nada was also a KO and the

garbage she dumps on people during polite conversations is outright

horrific! I am against emotional dumping. The gory details should

not be aired in polite conversations, at dinner with friends

etc(shudder). My nada has used her KO experience as an attention

getter for as long as I can remember and it is very inappropriate.

That said, I don't feel I have to lie either. When I found out about

BPD, I told my closest friends who had already experienced nada first

hand--that equals exactly 4 people--all of whom actually have mental

illness in their families now that I think of it. I also told DH and

made sure he was at least aware of certain dynamics, but I try not to

have him be too involved or worried about it.

If my family comes up in conversation with more distant friends or

friends at work, I usually just say, " my family is pretty

dysfunctional and if I want to stay functional, I have to limit my

contact with them. " Some of my closer colleagues in the past have

asked me about my family further and I've shared some of the lighter

anecdotes to illustrate my point(but always without the gory

details!). I don't generally bring up BP---people who have experience

with dysfunction will know exactly what you're talking about and

people who don't have first hand knowledge seem to understand that

some families are just radioactive without needing to understand the

nature of personality disorders.

Anyway, I think the explanation depends largely on your relationship

with the person and the setting of the conversation. It's not a dirty

secret though.

Trish

>

> Hi all,

>

> I was just looking for some advice. I have never told anyone but my

> ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from friends

> in high school and college, and even when they knew something was

> strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not coming out

> or returning calls or inviting people over.

>

> Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job and I'm

> making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to tell

> people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told people

> at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along with her.

>

> Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who to tell

> or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline Parent, it

> says that some people will start to judge you if you tell them bc

> they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily want people

> at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a career,

> but I also feel like it would be such a release just to put it out

> there. It would also mean that everyone would understand when I had

> a particularly stressful encounter etc.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I have debated the same thing. I've told a few of my friends who I

could trust, who I would want to talk to about things. I also told

my in-laws, last week, because they are becoming involved.

With work, I don't know what to tell you. I would say probably not,

just because you never know what prejudices people bring to the

table, and work gossip would be bad. But if you have a close friend

at work, I think that's different.

I find that having a couple of close people to talk to helps, and

those people I trust with pretty much everything about my situation

and how I feel. I don't spread thr word though, because it's

exhausting and I am also paranoid, and my hometown is a small one

and it would be a bad thing in that situation.

It is a huge relief to tell people who are good friends, who watch

you go through things and who you would confide in anyway. That's my

two cents. :-)

>

> Hi all,

>

> I was just looking for some advice. I have never told anyone but

my

> ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from friends

> in high school and college, and even when they knew something was

> strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not coming out

> or returning calls or inviting people over.

>

> Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job and I'm

> making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to tell

> people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told people

> at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along with her.

>

> Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who to tell

> or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline Parent, it

> says that some people will start to judge you if you tell them bc

> they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily want

people

> at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a career,

> but I also feel like it would be such a release just to put it out

> there. It would also mean that everyone would understand when I

had

> a particularly stressful encounter etc.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Shana,

I share your perspective totally.

I also wish it was much more known in the mainstream. It feels like

such an insidious disease in both the family context and the public

knowing/not knowing about it!

a

>

> Hi, .

>

> I have a step-brother who has schizophrenia. While I don't walk

around wearing that slogan on a t-shirt, I've never hesitated to

bring it up with anyone should it be relevant to any conversation

I'm having.

>

> For me, this has really helped in being open about my nada's

illness. I realize I don't have anything to do with her BPD anymore

than I'm responsible for my step-brother's illness (he's on meds and

doing great, btw, UNLIKE my nada.)

>

> My good friends have always known el Nada was a psycho and have

shared my joy in discovering her diagnosis FINALLY. With other

people, the topic of BPD usually only comes up when they're

complaining about someone in their life who has BP-like qualities,

and I might ask them if they know about it, and explain that my

mother has it. My experience has been people are usually curious

and excited to hear about it in that context... As far as

responding when people ask why I don't get along with her, I usually

just say she has a personality disorder or BPD -- if they want to

judge me for that, I figure that's their problem!

>

> I kind of feel like we do a service to others in talking openly

about BPD because it's a pretty common illness -- I wish someone had

mentioned it to me ten years ago, because then I could've read about

it and diagnosed my nada (and a few other relatives) much sooner!

>

> Shana

>

> Telling others about our BPD parent

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > Hi all,

> >

> > I was just looking for some advice. I have never told anyone

> > but my

> > ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from

> > friends

> > in high school and college, and even when they knew something

> > was

> > strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not coming

> > out

> > or returning calls or inviting people over.

> >

> > Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job and I'm

> > making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to tell

> > people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told

> > people

> > at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along with

> > her.

> >

> > Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who to

> > tell

> > or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline Parent,

> > it

> > says that some people will start to judge you if you tell them

> > bc

> > they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily want

> > people

> > at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a

> > career,

> > but I also feel like it would be such a release just to put it

> > out

> > there. It would also mean that everyone would understand when I

> > had

> > a particularly stressful encounter etc.

> >

> > Any thoughts?

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! Your comment helped me to identify a flea. I feel compelled to

share my stuff and story with friends and family and realize now

that it might be inappropriate to do so. Gotta stop that!

I wonder what the source of my desire is. I think part of it was

the forced secrecy imposed by Nada on our family stuff. It's like I

want to get on top of a mountain and shout out the injustice.

a

>

> and all, this is an interesting thread. I'm really careful

about

> how I bring this up with others because my nada was also a KO and

the

> garbage she dumps on people during polite conversations is outright

> horrific! I am against emotional dumping. The gory details should

> not be aired in polite conversations, at dinner with friends

> etc(shudder). My nada has used her KO experience as an attention

> getter for as long as I can remember and it is very

inappropriate.

>

> That said, I don't feel I have to lie either. When I found out

about

> BPD, I told my closest friends who had already experienced nada

first

> hand--that equals exactly 4 people--all of whom actually have

mental

> illness in their families now that I think of it. I also told DH

and

> made sure he was at least aware of certain dynamics, but I try not

to

> have him be too involved or worried about it.

>

> If my family comes up in conversation with more distant friends or

> friends at work, I usually just say, " my family is pretty

> dysfunctional and if I want to stay functional, I have to limit my

> contact with them. " Some of my closer colleagues in the past have

> asked me about my family further and I've shared some of the

lighter

> anecdotes to illustrate my point(but always without the gory

> details!). I don't generally bring up BP---people who have

experience

> with dysfunction will know exactly what you're talking about and

> people who don't have first hand knowledge seem to understand that

> some families are just radioactive without needing to understand

the

> nature of personality disorders.

>

> Anyway, I think the explanation depends largely on your

relationship

> with the person and the setting of the conversation. It's not a

dirty

> secret though.

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

, if you feel strongly about this cause and you would like to

share some of your personal experience at work, then I think you can

still do that. Especially since your workplace is kind of encouraging

the personal stories at this time. I'm sure you'll think of a way to

handle it that suits you, but if it were me, I'd probably just say, " I

feel strongly about this issue because it's present in my family. "

There's almost always a way to sum things up in a non-gruesome way and

in my experience people won't be likely to press you to tell more than

you want to.

Trish

> > > >

> > > > Hi, .

> > > >

> > > > I have a step-brother who has schizophrenia. While I don't

> > walk

> > > around wearing that slogan on a t-shirt, I've never hesitated

> > to

> > > bring it up with anyone should it be relevant to any

> > conversation

> > > I'm having.

> > > >

> > > > For me, this has really helped in being open about my nada's

> > > illness. I realize I don't have anything to do with her BPD

> > anymore

> > > than I'm responsible for my step-brother's illness (he's on

> > meds

> > and

> > > doing great, btw, UNLIKE my nada.)

> > > >

> > > > My good friends have always known el Nada was a psycho and

> > have

> > > shared my joy in discovering her diagnosis FINALLY. With other

> > > people, the topic of BPD usually only comes up when they're

> > > complaining about someone in their life who has BP-like

> > qualities,

> > > and I might ask them if they know about it, and explain that

> > my

> > > mother has it. My experience has been people are usually

> > curious

> > > and excited to hear about it in that context... As far as

> > > responding when people ask why I don't get along with her, I

> > usually

> > > just say she has a personality disorder or BPD -- if they want

> > to

> > > judge me for that, I figure that's their problem!

> > > >

> > > > I kind of feel like we do a service to others in talking

> > openly

> > > about BPD because it's a pretty common illness -- I wish

> > someone

> > had

> > > mentioned it to me ten years ago, because then I could've read

> > about

> > > it and diagnosed my nada (and a few other relatives) much sooner!

> > > >

> > > > Shana

> > > >

> > > > Telling others about our BPD parent

> > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > >

> > > > > Hi all,

> > > > >

> > > > > I was just looking for some advice. I have never told

> > anyone

> > > > > but my

> > > > > ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from

> > > > > friends

> > > > > in high school and college, and even when they knew

> > something

> > > > > was

> > > > > strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not

> > coming

> > > > > out

> > > > > or returning calls or inviting people over.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job

> > and

> > I'm

> > > > > making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to

> > tell

> > > > > people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told

> > > > > people

> > > > > at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along

> > with

> > > > > her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who

> > to

> > > > > tell

> > > > > or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline

> > Parent,

> > > > > it

> > > > > says that some people will start to judge you if you tell

> > them

> > > > > bc

> > > > > they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily

> > want

> > > > > people

> > > > > at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a

> > > > > career,

> > > > > but I also feel like it would be such a release just to

> > put it

> > > > > out

> > > > > there. It would also mean that everyone would understand

> > when

> > I

> > > > > had

> > > > > a particularly stressful encounter etc.

> > > > >

> > > > > Any thoughts?

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks,

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

,

My best friend knows and my boyfriend knows. I really lucked out with

my best friend, though, because she'd read some stuff on it. She still

doesn't " get it " , though. Her and my boyfriend both try really hard,

but they just don't understand.

Truthfully, the only reason I told them was because they're my support

system and they noticed that I don't act like other people. Otherwise,

I wouldn't have said anything more than " they're crazy " . And I

wouldn't have been lying, either.

Neko Jaimie

[Guest guest]

Shana,

I believe it. I don't watch his show or Oprah. I, too, have seen episodes

where he, IMO, totally misses the elephant stinking up the stage under those hot

lights. ;o)

I didn't tell you guys, but I did speak to Dr. Phil for a quick (< 5minute)

phone call. When I first was dx'd with DID, I spent a month and a half

in-patient in Denton, TX. My treating psychologist and Director of the hospital

(He is now dead, unfortunately) was on Donahue and etc. His sister was a

psychologist,too. While I was in-patient and even afterwards, (this blurs the

line of ethics) he and his sister wouldn't see me as a patient, but they sure

took me into their " family. " He referred me to...guess who? Dr. Phil. His

sister argued that it wouldn't be a good match b/c Dr. Phil did/does primarily

behavior techniques and doesn't have much patience. This is where I think my

doc/friend's illness was kicking in; he had resigned from the hospital to live

out the rest of his days at home. So I talked to Dr. Phil and asked him what he

new about MPD (that's what they called it back then) and he said " Not much. I

respect ______ and that he referred you to me, but I'm

not sure that I can treat you, as my case load is very heavy right now. " Then

he recommended two other doctors, one of which was the best psychiatrist that I

ever had in my life. While on the phone, I got this feeling that he was

particularly impatient and that I didn't want this guy treating me, especially

when he said Cognitive behavioral therapy. So that is my experience of Dr.

Phil.

Party Ohn. ;o)

Telling others about our BPD parent

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

> > >

> > > > Hi all,

> > > >

> > > > I was just looking for some advice. I have never told

> anyone

> > > > but my

> > > > ex bf about my nada's BPD. I always hid her disorder from

> > > > friends

> > > > in high school and college, and even when they knew

> something

> > > > was

> > > > strange I would take the blame and lose friends for not

> coming

> > > > out

> > > > or returning calls or inviting people over.

> > > >

> > > > Now that I am living in a new city and I have a new job

> and

> I'm

> > > > making a real effort to heal I am increasingly tempted to

> tell

> > > > people that my nada is not well. As of now, I've just told

> > > > people

> > > > at work and friends I am meeting that I don't get along

> with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone have any advice on telling people, such as who

> to

> > > > tell

> > > > or who not to tell? In the book Surviving a Borderline

> Parent,

> > > > it

> > > > says that some people will start to judge you if you tell

> them

> > > > bc

> > > > they are afraid of mental illness. I don't necessarily

> want

> > > > people

> > > > at my work to judge me bc of it as I am trying to build a

> > > > career,

> > > > but I also feel like it would be such a release just to

> put it

> > > > out

> > > > there. It would also mean that everyone would understand

> when

> I

> > > > had

> > > > a particularly stressful encounter etc.

> > > >

> > > > Any thoughts?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I agree with Trish. Also, I'm not obligated to tell

anyone. It's worked for me to say things about my FOO

like, " We're all so busy. Yeah, I'll probably see

them " (at the ______ holiday, whatever).

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- tlblack2006 wrote:

> a, there are so many reasons for having an urge

> to vent this

> stuff--and possibly at inappropriate times. Part of

> it is that we

> don't necessarily always realize what is " normal " in

> families and what

> will freak people out. Another part probably is

> that when you're

> healing or dealing with this stuff, it's a huge part

> of your life--so

> it's normal to want to bring it up. Also, I

> personally need to

> discuss this stuff with people (hence my presence on

> this board and my

> time in therapy). Finally, the flea could just be a

> really bad habit

> from nada: telling shocking anecdotes to get

> attention. Personally,

> since my parents both have no problem indulging in

> this kind of thing,

> it actually took me a while to realize that it's

> just not an

> appropriate way to relate to others.

>

> Anyway, I think it's normal to have the urge to talk

> about this stuff,

> but it's good to make sure that sharing this info is

> done appropriately.

>

>

> Trish

>

>

> > >

> > > and all, this is an interesting thread.

> I'm really careful

> > about

> > > how I bring this up with others because my nada

> was also a KO and

> > the

> > > garbage she dumps on people during polite

> conversations is outright

> > > horrific! I am against emotional dumping. The

> gory details should

> > > not be aired in polite conversations, at dinner

> with friends

> > > etc(shudder). My nada has used her KO

> experience as an attention

> > > getter for as long as I can remember and it is

> very

> > inappropriate.

> > >

> > > That said, I don't feel I have to lie either.

> When I found out

> > about

> > > BPD, I told my closest friends who had already

> experienced nada

> > first

> > > hand--that equals exactly 4 people--all of whom

> actually have

> > mental

> > > illness in their families now that I think of

> it. I also told DH

> > and

> > > made sure he was at least aware of certain

> dynamics, but I try not

> > to

> > > have him be too involved or worried about it.

> > >

> > > If my family comes up in conversation with more

> distant friends or

> > > friends at work, I usually just say, " my family

> is pretty

> > > dysfunctional and if I want to stay functional,

> I have to limit my

> > > contact with them. " Some of my closer colleagues

> in the past have

> > > asked me about my family further and I've shared

> some of the

> > lighter

> > > anecdotes to illustrate my point(but always

> without the gory

> > > details!). I don't generally bring up

> BP---people who have

> > experience

> > > with dysfunction will know exactly what you're

> talking about and

> > > people who don't have first hand knowledge seem

> to understand that

> > > some families are just radioactive without

> needing to understand

> > the

> > > nature of personality disorders.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I think the explanation depends largely

> on your

> > relationship

> > > with the person and the setting of the

> conversation. It's not a

> > dirty

> > > secret though.

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

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