Re: NC? No Contact?

[Guest guest]

I would recommed a book written by Dr. Schlessinger--I think

is called, " The Ten Commandments " or something like that... It is a

great book for those who may stay in dysfunctional situations with

their parents because of biblical writings, culture, and/or

traditions. It really teaches one a different meaning of " honoring

your parents. " One of the things I took from it, was that I am not

honoring my parents by permitting them to do hurtful, wrong, illigal

things. There is a much better explanation of this in the book,

which led me out of the guilt of the " blood is thicker then water "

trip.

I wish you well on your move, and above all peace--it seems like you

have dealt with BPD for so long.

erbussmom

>

> Does " going NC " mean No Contact?

> I am about to move from the West Coast with my wife to the East

> Coast, where our adult sons and grandkids are. I will be leaving

my

> 90 year old udBPD mother behind, and no doubt will not see her

again

> alive. I've only recently come to understand that mother has BPD

> after living with it and its effects on me for 60 years. With no

> other siblings, and my mother having chosen to live alone and

nearly

> completely isolated for 40 years, of course I feel deeply guilty

at

> leaving her with, perhaps, the support only of a second cousin.

> After all these years of pain and recurring boughts with major

> depression, I have to leave to survive. Without sharing all the

> horrible details, December was unbelievable - out of a sense of

> guilt/duty/responsiblility and with the amazing support of my 40-

> year wife (per Nada " the slut from the wrong side of the tracks " )

we

> talked my mother into moving east with us. After sending our

> household belongings east ahead of us, we moved in with her to

help

> her prepare for this big move, sell her house etc. It was

> unrealistic to begin with, and predictably it blew up after 30

days

> of hell. After leaving her house (kicked out) I'm on a course of

> medication for a couple of months for the havoc the stress and

fear

> did to my gastrointestinal works. It is hard to permanently turn

my

> back, but I feel I have done and offerred all I could to help my

mom

> either live out her life in assisted living or with us, and what I

> have got in return is an angry attack, accusations, and hateful

> rejection. An altogether familiar experience with her. I was a

> sometimes angry father and husband, but my sons and my wife are

> there for me, and for our family, big time, looking forward to our

> being with them. I've spent a lot of time and money in the last

35

> years working on myself, my depressions and anger. But I've only

> come recently to understand and remember how much blackmail,

> disapproval, and emptiness I went through as a kid. My mind

simply

> shut off most of the memory. I am worried about my sons, though

both

> are doing well in their 30's. I was infected with a toxic bug by

my

> mother, who is a carrier of the BPD disease going through her last

> stage of a bitter, angry life. I hope that I did enough work on

> myself to keep the infection from spreading to my boys. Before

> taking the risk inviting my mother to move east with us I did a

lot

> of reflection. One of the things I found useful comes from the

> jewish Talmud. I'm not jewish, but the Talmud was written over

> hundreds of years, to explain and interpret the fist 5 books of

the

> Bible, the Torah to jews. In interpreting the command to honor our

> parents, the jewish sages said in the Talmud that their God

requires

> children to provide shelter to their elderly parents, food, and

> assistance in getting about. But, the Talmud does not require

that

> we love them. I have reached the point of finally turning my back

> on my venomous mother. Something one cannot do, I cannot do, to

> someone I love. Love for her no longer exists in me. It won't be

> easy, but it will be done.

>

> Randy

>

[Guest guest]

rbrent,

NC does mean no contact.

Good for you for moving on. I, too, have felt responsible for my

mother's well-being. What a fruitless battle. I posted recently

that I went home to help her for just several days after she had had

an accident. Like you, I had come to the point that I realized what

I owed my mother was basic care - making sure she had on hand food

and other essentials to be self-sufficient; but that I really don't

have more to give her (deep sharing, affection, etc). The result of

my time at their house was accusations, manipulation, screaming and

general chaos, from which I did my best to remain detached.

But flying home, I started to cry and didn't really stop until the

next day. Some elusive pain I can't identify.

For once, though, I determined not to stay in this state for weeks.

My sisters and their families were coming for the holidays. My

husband has lost all of his family and I am all that he has. I owe

these people my presence and ability to smile and share experience.

And they are able to receive it, which my mother is not. When I am

focused on my mother, I have nothing left for anyone else. It is

seeing these two things in contrast to each other - focus on my

mother's well-being, which results in only temporary comfort and ends

up in pain, anger, and accusations or focus on being present for my

sibs and spouse, which ends up in deeper connections that nourish us

all - that is helping me finally move on.

Your sons need of your health and presence is even greater. They are

fortunate to have a parent who realizes he has sometimes fallen short

and wants to continually become better. This is love that you did

not recieve but that you have learned to give. The best thing you

can do move on from your nada and focus on those that can receive the

wonderful gift you have to offer.

Best to you.

Caitlyn

>

> Does " going NC " mean No Contact?

> I am about to move from the West Coast with my wife to the East

> Coast, where our adult sons and grandkids are. I will be leaving

my

> 90 year old udBPD mother behind, and no doubt will not see her

again

> alive. I've only recently come to understand that mother has BPD

> after living with it and its effects on me for 60 years. With no

> other siblings, and my mother having chosen to live alone and

nearly

> completely isolated for 40 years, of course I feel deeply guilty at

> leaving her with, perhaps, the support only of a second cousin.

> After all these years of pain and recurring boughts with major

> depression, I have to leave to survive. Without sharing all the

> horrible details, December was unbelievable - out of a sense of

> guilt/duty/responsiblility and with the amazing support of my 40-

> year wife (per Nada " the slut from the wrong side of the tracks " )

we

> talked my mother into moving east with us. After sending our

> household belongings east ahead of us, we moved in with her to help

> her prepare for this big move, sell her house etc. It was

> unrealistic to begin with, and predictably it blew up after 30 days

> of hell. After leaving her house (kicked out) I'm on a course of

> medication for a couple of months for the havoc the stress and fear

> did to my gastrointestinal works. It is hard to permanently turn

my

> back, but I feel I have done and offerred all I could to help my

mom

> either live out her life in assisted living or with us, and what I

> have got in return is an angry attack, accusations, and hateful

> rejection. An altogether familiar experience with her. I was a

> sometimes angry father and husband, but my sons and my wife are

> there for me, and for our family, big time, looking forward to our

> being with them. I've spent a lot of time and money in the last 35

> years working on myself, my depressions and anger. But I've only

> come recently to understand and remember how much blackmail,

> disapproval, and emptiness I went through as a kid. My mind simply

> shut off most of the memory. I am worried about my sons, though

both

> are doing well in their 30's. I was infected with a toxic bug by

my

> mother, who is a carrier of the BPD disease going through her last

> stage of a bitter, angry life. I hope that I did enough work on

> myself to keep the infection from spreading to my boys. Before

> taking the risk inviting my mother to move east with us I did a lot

> of reflection. One of the things I found useful comes from the

> jewish Talmud. I'm not jewish, but the Talmud was written over

> hundreds of years, to explain and interpret the fist 5 books of the

> Bible, the Torah to jews. In interpreting the command to honor our

> parents, the jewish sages said in the Talmud that their God

requires

> children to provide shelter to their elderly parents, food, and

> assistance in getting about. But, the Talmud does not require that

> we love them. I have reached the point of finally turning my back

> on my venomous mother. Something one cannot do, I cannot do, to

> someone I love. Love for her no longer exists in me. It won't be

> easy, but it will be done.

>

> Randy

>

[Guest guest]

Randy,

Great for you for getting away from your mother and her evil ways and moving

towards a happier life with family that will appreciate you and needs you. You

DON'T owe your mother a thing. I am jewish and i've had many talk with my rabbi

and he told me that i owe my mother NOTHING. I owe myself a LIFE. Go LIVE IT.

He was a great rabbi.

I'm also proud of you for taking good care of your mental health for 35 years.

God, how i wish that BPD would be more trained in therapy, especially as it is

the single most common personality disorder there is.

Enjoy your new life!

Happy New Years!!

Greg.

NC? No Contact?

Does " going NC " mean No Contact?

I am about to move from the West Coast with my wife to the East

Coast, where our adult sons and grandkids are. I will be leaving my

90 year old udBPD mother behind, and no doubt will not see her again

alive. I've only recently come to understand that mother has BPD

after living with it and its effects on me for 60 years. With no

other siblings, and my mother having chosen to live alone and nearly

completely isolated for 40 years, of course I feel deeply guilty at

leaving her with, perhaps, the support only of a second cousin.

After all these years of pain and recurring boughts with major

depression, I have to leave to survive. Without sharing all the

horrible details, December was unbelievable - out of a sense of

guilt/duty/responsi blility and with the amazing support of my 40-

year wife (per Nada " the slut from the wrong side of the tracks " ) we

talked my mother into moving east with us. After sending our

household belongings east ahead of us, we moved in with her to help

her prepare for this big move, sell her house etc. It was

unrealistic to begin with, and predictably it blew up after 30 days

of hell. After leaving her house (kicked out) I'm on a course of

medication for a couple of months for the havoc the stress and fear

did to my gastrointestinal works. It is hard to permanently turn my

back, but I feel I have done and offerred all I could to help my mom

either live out her life in assisted living or with us, and what I

have got in return is an angry attack, accusations, and hateful

rejection. An altogether familiar experience with her. I was a

sometimes angry father and husband, but my sons and my wife are

there for me, and for our family, big time, looking forward to our

being with them. I've spent a lot of time and money in the last 35

years working on myself, my depressions and anger. But I've only

come recently to understand and remember how much blackmail,

disapproval, and emptiness I went through as a kid. My mind simply

shut off most of the memory. I am worried about my sons, though both

are doing well in their 30's. I was infected with a toxic bug by my

mother, who is a carrier of the BPD disease going through her last

stage of a bitter, angry life. I hope that I did enough work on

myself to keep the infection from spreading to my boys. Before

taking the risk inviting my mother to move east with us I did a lot

of reflection. One of the things I found useful comes from the

jewish Talmud. I'm not jewish, but the Talmud was written over

hundreds of years, to explain and interpret the fist 5 books of the

Bible, the Torah to jews. In interpreting the command to honor our

parents, the jewish sages said in the Talmud that their God requires

children to provide shelter to their elderly parents, food, and

assistance in getting about. But, the Talmud does not require that

we love them. I have reached the point of finally turning my back

on my venomous mother. Something one cannot do, I cannot do, to

someone I love. Love for her no longer exists in me. It won't be

easy, but it will be done.

Randy

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Randy,

I agree, you have done all that you could. I went no contact with

my elderly parents over 3 years ago. I did feel bad, too, because

of their age. But, like you, I was suffering greatly both

emotionally and physically from the effects of the relationship. It

was a matter of ending the relationship, or of losing my mental

health.

I have also struggled with wondering how my weaknesses in parenting

have affected my children. But what I do know is that I did set an

example for them of how to face and deal with problems and issues.

Both of my children have had to deal with problems of which my

failings may have been a contributing cause. But I know I did the

best I could with what I knew at the time, and as I learned more, I

did better. I was alway sure to let them know when I recognized

mistakes. I helped them deal with the problems they encountered.

We often struggle with the admonition to 'honor our mother and

father'. This is a regular topic on this board. But it is not

honorable to accept bad treatment from anyone, including a parent.

When I hear the statement about parents, I immediately replace it

with - 'as they sow, so shall they reap'. This has helped me a

great deal when I start to feel the guilt creeping in. My mother

abused me, and now she does not have me in her life. Why should

she, or I, expect anything different? I feel she should be thankful

that I put up with the abuse for so many years.

Take care of yourself, and enjoy your new life.

Sylvia

>

> Does " going NC " mean No Contact?

> I am about to move from the West Coast with my wife to the East

> Coast, where our adult sons and grandkids are. I will be leaving

my

> 90 year old udBPD mother behind, and no doubt will not see her

again

> alive. I've only recently come to understand that mother has BPD

> after living with it and its effects on me for 60 years. With no

> other siblings, and my mother having chosen to live alone and

nearly

> completely isolated for 40 years, of course I feel deeply guilty

at

> leaving her with, perhaps, the support only of a second cousin.

> After all these years of pain and recurring boughts with major

> depression, I have to leave to survive. Without sharing all the

> horrible details, December was unbelievable - out of a sense of

> guilt/duty/responsiblility and with the amazing support of my 40-

> year wife (per Nada " the slut from the wrong side of the tracks " )

we

> talked my mother into moving east with us. After sending our

> household belongings east ahead of us, we moved in with her to

help

> her prepare for this big move, sell her house etc. It was

> unrealistic to begin with, and predictably it blew up after 30

days

> of hell. After leaving her house (kicked out) I'm on a course of

> medication for a couple of months for the havoc the stress and

fear

> did to my gastrointestinal works. It is hard to permanently turn

my

> back, but I feel I have done and offerred all I could to help my

mom

> either live out her life in assisted living or with us, and what I

> have got in return is an angry attack, accusations, and hateful

> rejection. An altogether familiar experience with her. I was a

> sometimes angry father and husband, but my sons and my wife are

> there for me, and for our family, big time, looking forward to our

> being with them. I've spent a lot of time and money in the last

35

> years working on myself, my depressions and anger. But I've only

> come recently to understand and remember how much blackmail,

> disapproval, and emptiness I went through as a kid. My mind

simply

> shut off most of the memory. I am worried about my sons, though

both

> are doing well in their 30's. I was infected with a toxic bug by

my

> mother, who is a carrier of the BPD disease going through her last

> stage of a bitter, angry life. I hope that I did enough work on

> myself to keep the infection from spreading to my boys. Before

> taking the risk inviting my mother to move east with us I did a

lot

> of reflection. One of the things I found useful comes from the

> jewish Talmud. I'm not jewish, but the Talmud was written over

> hundreds of years, to explain and interpret the fist 5 books of

the

> Bible, the Torah to jews. In interpreting the command to honor our

> parents, the jewish sages said in the Talmud that their God

requires

> children to provide shelter to their elderly parents, food, and

> assistance in getting about. But, the Talmud does not require

that

> we love them. I have reached the point of finally turning my back

> on my venomous mother. Something one cannot do, I cannot do, to

> someone I love. Love for her no longer exists in me. It won't be

> easy, but it will be done.

>

> Randy

>