Re: Touching base after a while

January 1, 2007

Hi Caitlyn,

Thanks for popping back in again! i totally understand about being

uncomfortable with the dishrag dad label. I still feel

uncomfortable, and I have been using it for at least 2 years now. I

use the term because it helps me keep focused on the reality of my

foo. Many of us thought our dads were wonderful, only to later

realize that this was only in contrast to our nadas! Our dad's

didn't parent us either. They may have been nice and kind, fun and

even loving - until nada attacked us. Then dishrag just let her do

her thing, and didn't protect his children.

For me, the uncomfortable feelings came from not being allowed to be

myself, not being allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings, from

being forced to pretend along with nada and dishrag that we were one

happy family.

take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi All, I realized I just kind of popped in on the board again

> without any re-introduction. I started posting this Fall and fade

in

> and out - read the collection of postings that come to my inbox,

but

> only post periodically.

>

> I am in my early 40s with a ndBPD mother and enabling (hate to say

> dishrag but I know its true) father. My mother has always been

> depressed, prone to rages and crying fits, for which I was

> responsible to work her out of. She limited relationships with

> extended family and continually brought one of my siblings in as

her

> confidant and ostricized the others. There were some good times

> (parts of days), but they were always at her mercy, and ended when

> something didn't go her way. She would cry, threaten suicide,

> retreat to her room in hysterics, and I would go to console her

until

> she would re-emerge and we would continue with they day as though

> everything was fine and beautiful.

>

> It is the acting as though all is fine that put knots in my

stomach.

> I hated the hysterics but mainly because I knew it would be

followed

> by consoling and caressing and then pretending.

>

> I felt singularly responsible for my parents happiness until a few

> years ago. Knots and pangs in my stomach since high school.

Guilt

> that I went to school, established a career, had fun experiences

and

> moved away and did not center my life on keeping my parents

buoyant.

> Every step away I made was done with tears and guilt and grief.

>

> Now, I go to their house or have them to mine (half the country

away)

> and at either place, cook, pamper, and arrange activities I think

are

> likely to keep my mother happy. When no one but my husband and I

are

> with my parents, I can control the situation and my mother thinks

she

> has had a good visit and is in a close family. But, as soon as my

> sibs are around or my mother is otherwise not the center of

attention

> or I do not act sufficiently close to her, etc. all hell breaks

> lose. Jealousy, accusations, weighiness and darkness.

>

> Until recently, I thought I was going to save my father from her

> wrath, since he was so often the subject of it. He seems so

> miserable and lonely most of them time. But he doesn't leave and

> still encourages me to accomodate my mother. I now question the

role

> my father plays in all this too. Both of them have " needed " me

and I

> have uncomfortable feelings around both of them - that they want

too

> much and things for which they should not be looking to me. I

think

> my father loved me, but how does that play with him sending me to

lay

> with and console my hysterical mother from the time I was barely

in

> kindergarden?

>

> I am now meeting with a therapist, which seems extravagent to me

> since I am reasonably stable and productive. But the lack of

> parenting I experienced still plays into my way of thinking and

> living. I am gaining perspective and learning skills from the

> therapist (an M.A. / LPC with knowledge of BPD) that I feel will

help

> me live fuller. Mainly, I am becoming more present for my other

> family members. Until now, so much of my emotional energy has

gone

> to guilt and sorrow for my parents.

>

> Caitlyn

>

January 1, 2007

I am so happy to finally see things about dads. How right you are

smhtrain. My father worked all the time. He left before we woke up

and came home after we were already in bed. The only time we would

see him is to punish us, or to beat the hell out of my brother. I

will never forget a time that he came home so angry after nada had

bothered him all day about my " heroine " addicted brother wetting the

bed still at 3. He came home infuriated and used the cord to the

coffee pot and beat him from head to toe. I still see his wee

little face as I was told to clean him up. He didn't even cry, only

tears fell down his face, but no voice coming out. I still swallow

hard thinking about this. It is no wonder my father drank so much.

Then while I am cleaning my brother nada is above me calling me

every name you can think of for taking care of him. I don't miss my

father at all; I find this strange, I think? I am not angry, or

hateful, or anything. He just doesn't exist. I suppose as written

below, he just faded in and out. I don't even look for a " fantasy "

father. My sister, the " golden child " has a wonderful relationship

with my dad, and there were times when I tried with my dad. Some

times were good, and others were horrible because nada would never

allow it. He enables her in my opinion and that makes me just think

that much less of him.

After all the reading today from the posts; I think I have

discovered that I am an orphan. My husband looked at me like I was

crazy, but I told him that this is reality. I think my counselor

will be very pleased when we meet next week.

I hope everyone has a great New Year. Thank you all for being you!

erbussmom

> >

> > Hi All, I realized I just kind of popped in on the board again

> > without any re-introduction. I started posting this Fall and

fade

> in

> > and out - read the collection of postings that come to my inbox,

> but

> > only post periodically.

> >

> > I am in my early 40s with a ndBPD mother and enabling (hate to

say

> > dishrag but I know its true) father. My mother has always been

> > depressed, prone to rages and crying fits, for which I was

> > responsible to work her out of. She limited relationships with

> > extended family and continually brought one of my siblings in as

> her

> > confidant and ostricized the others. There were some good

times

> > (parts of days), but they were always at her mercy, and ended

when

> > something didn't go her way. She would cry, threaten suicide,

> > retreat to her room in hysterics, and I would go to console her

> until

> > she would re-emerge and we would continue with they day as

though

> > everything was fine and beautiful.

> >

> > It is the acting as though all is fine that put knots in my

> stomach.

> > I hated the hysterics but mainly because I knew it would be

> followed

> > by consoling and caressing and then pretending.

> >

> > I felt singularly responsible for my parents happiness until a

few

> > years ago. Knots and pangs in my stomach since high school.

> Guilt

> > that I went to school, established a career, had fun experiences

> and

> > moved away and did not center my life on keeping my parents

> buoyant.

> > Every step away I made was done with tears and guilt and grief.

> >

> > Now, I go to their house or have them to mine (half the country

> away)

> > and at either place, cook, pamper, and arrange activities I

think

> are

> > likely to keep my mother happy. When no one but my husband and

I

> are

> > with my parents, I can control the situation and my mother

thinks

> she

> > has had a good visit and is in a close family. But, as soon as

my

> > sibs are around or my mother is otherwise not the center of

> attention

> > or I do not act sufficiently close to her, etc. all hell breaks

> > lose. Jealousy, accusations, weighiness and darkness.

> >

> > Until recently, I thought I was going to save my father from her

> > wrath, since he was so often the subject of it. He seems so

> > miserable and lonely most of them time. But he doesn't leave

and

> > still encourages me to accomodate my mother. I now question the

> role

> > my father plays in all this too. Both of them have " needed " me

> and I

> > have uncomfortable feelings around both of them - that they want

> too

> > much and things for which they should not be looking to me. I

> think

> > my father loved me, but how does that play with him sending me

to

> lay

> > with and console my hysterical mother from the time I was barely

> in

> > kindergarden?

> >

> > I am now meeting with a therapist, which seems extravagent to me

> > since I am reasonably stable and productive. But the lack of

> > parenting I experienced still plays into my way of thinking and

> > living. I am gaining perspective and learning skills from the

> > therapist (an M.A. / LPC with knowledge of BPD) that I feel will

> help

> > me live fuller. Mainly, I am becoming more present for my other

> > family members. Until now, so much of my emotional energy has

> gone

> > to guilt and sorrow for my parents.

> >

> > Caitlyn

> >

>

January 2, 2007

Erbussmom,

That was very touching what you wrote. It brings back many memories for me and

my brother and how my crazy mother would set the entire scenario up and say

" Wait til your father gets home.... " and then he would start out with yelling,

then pick which belt, then the bat, and finally his fists. All the while, I

would see my mother just smiling in the background and my brother yelling, " Just

cry, Greg, just cry! " And then she would get pissed off if I didn't kiss her

good night. It was almost like not only did she enjoy seeing me get the crap

beat out of me, but it's like it relieved some kind of tension between the two

of them. Isn't that just sick!

Greg.