Re: Mother not speaking to me...

[Guest guest]

There are people on this board who wish they had this problem,

because they can't get their BP parent to leave them alone.

Being raised by a mentally ill parent causes innumerable problems

that we have to identify and then do something about. Most of us

were emotionally abused, and many of us were also physically

abused. Some of us were also sexually abused. It is very good that

you are going into counseling. Make sure your therapist knows about

BPD and is aware of it's effects on children of a BPD parent.

Even though she is not communicating right now, I suspect she will

again in the future. They need someone to split black, and it is

easier to use the same person, whom they have conditioned to accept

this sort of treatment.

Learn all you can about how BPDs behave, and how this behavior has

been directed at you. Learn how you have had to cope with her

treatment of you, and how those same coping mechanisms may be

damaging to you as an adult. Learn to take care of yourself (it is

not selfish!). Learn how to stand up for yourself and to walk away

from a person who is abusing you.

There are two books that are always recommended: " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " - SWOE - (written by Randi Kreger, the owner of this

list), and " Understand the Borderline Mother " - UBM - (by

Lawson, I believe). Some other books that many have found helpful

are 'Codependent No More', 'Toxic Parents' and 'Surviving a

Borderline Parent' (excellent workbook activities).

Now, at the same time, I will advise you to do all of this in small

doses - this can be overwhelming at first. It can be like you have

entered an different country. So be easy on yourself, and take

breaks when you are feeling overwhelmed. You didn't get to this

place overnight, and it will take time to unravel and examine

everything.

Reading and posting on this board has been helpful to everyone who

has done so. This is an excellent support group of people who

really have walked in your shoes.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

about 3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point.

i am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been

the " bad " daughter,and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

[Guest guest]

I think you are making a very positive and strong decision to go to

counseling. That helped me to empower me. Nada would not communicate

with me growing up to punish me. I would write apology after apology

because I was sure I was the bad child. This is a form of

manipulation, but I learned that in counseling. The next strong step

you made was joining this group. In only four days of being a part of

this awesome group of people; I have obtained such strength and

understanding. When I started with this group; I stayed up until 2:00

in the morning reading past postings. I was just amazed at reading my

life, and how others have been through the same issues. I thought I

was along, but now I know I am not. What I love most of all, is

everyone has an insurmountable amount of empathy.

Good luck--I think you are on the right track.

erbussmom

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives about

3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point. i

am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been

the " bad " daughter,and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

[Guest guest]

Glad you've found the group. Keep coming back, there's a wealth of

information here.

First things first -- those book recommendations are excellent. I

have them all. You should invest in Stop Walking on Eggshells and

Understanding the Borderline Mother. You'll find you're not alone

and that this game is an old one. You're playing as you were taught

by your mother many moons ago. You'll also learn, more importantly,

that you have the power to break the cycle.

2nd -- Your mother is playing a game. Your role in this game (also

known as a script everybody follows) is to react to the Silent

Treatment by rushing to her side to find out what's wrong. Refuse

to play. I know that's easy for me to say, but it sounds like

you're feeling guilt over something that's not your doing.

You've called, you've sent cards. You've done enough, and a healthy

person would respond because they value their relationship with

you. Your mother is ignoring you because she is incapable of a give-

take relationship, and she needs to raise the stakes as high as she

can so that SHE can feel important. Important enough to make

another human being grovel. Absolve yourself of guilt and leave it

alone.

I like that saying " You teach people how to treat you " . My hope for

you is that you get to the point where your mom's (or anyone

else's!) silent treatment is no longer an effective method for

manipulating you. You're grown, you exist as a separate individual

with her own life and YOU can draw the boundaries now. YOU can

decide what you'll put up with from people and what you won't.

Hugs -- Keep going to that counselor! Get reading! Your life

awaits!

-Kyla

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

about 3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point.

i am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been

the " bad " daughter,and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

[Guest guest]

Another good book, " Bad Childhood, good life. "

erbussmom

> >

> > I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> > definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

> about 3

> > hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family.

i

> have

> > called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this

point.

> i am

> > going to a new councelor now. i have always been

> the " bad " daughter,and

> > need some ideas of where to go from here.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dawn,

Congratulations for finding this group. What do you want to happen?

Happy New Years!!

Greg.

Mother not speaking to me...

I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives about 3

hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i have

called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point. i am

going to a new councelor now. i have always been the " bad " daughter, and

need some ideas of where to go from here.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

thank you for what you wrote. I am reading SWOES and have ordered the

on about the borderline mother. i am finding some comfort in these. I

am concerned that if I don't do something, she will continue to ignore

me and my family. She has done this before and the silence lasted

quite a while. Unfortunately she is suffering from cancer and is having

monthly treatments, which makes the guilt even worse. Thing is, she

acted like a BPD way before she was sick. Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Dawnn

[Guest guest]

Greg,

I am having a hard time not having any communication with her,

especially over the holidays. I have three daughters who she also

excludes. Thing is...it was going pretty well with us until

Thanksgiving when my family decided to travel to Indiana for the

holiday. I am finding my situation with her consuming my thoughts

and I want to find some peace of mind>

Thanks for the note,

Dawn

>

> Dawn,

>

> Congratulations for finding this group. What do you want to happen?

>

> Happy New Years!!

>

> Greg.

>

>

> Mother not speaking to me...

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

about 3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point. i

am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been the " bad " daughter,

and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Why thank you, kind sir.

Sylvia

> >

> > I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> > definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

> about 3

> > hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

> have

> > called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point.

> i am

> > going to a new councelor now. i have always been

> the " bad " daughter, and

> > need some ideas of where to go from here.

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Dawn wrote: " Just waiting and doing

nothing is driving me crazy. I don't want her to be controling my

thoughts,

although I still do not know where to go from here. I sent Christmas

presents

in the mail, which I now realize was a mistake. I am just waiting

for the game

to be over this time. "

I know this is all new to you, but I can offer you a tidbit my

(excellent!) therapist offered me as we are working through this

same issue: Keep living your life, don't wait on them. When you do

talk to her, keep repeating positive " I " statements -- there is use

in trying to get her to " see " what she's put you through.

If you keep going on with your life without her (without saying it

in those exact words -- she'll read between the lines by what you DO

say and do) she'll get the message between the eyes. That message

is " I am an adult now. You can go off and have your temper tantrums

and I'm not going to notice anymore. "

These uncomfortable feelings that you're having are due to the fact

that you were CONDITIONED to save her. Guess what: people are

responsible for their own happiness and their own miseries. You

NEVER WERE in control of that for your mother or anyone else on this

earth.

It's helpful to come up with a mission statement for yourself --

leading with " I " statements that are assertive. Not reactive

statements like " I'm not gonna let them push me around anymore... " .

Make it just a couple or 3 sentences long. Don't specifically

mention your mother in it. Make it about you.

Like I said -- this is a lot of information for a " newbie " -- but

you'll be amazed by how fast you'll grow from the books and from

this board. I just found it last June!

Trust me -- It will all come together and take hold -- you'll be

amazed.

Love,

Kyla

> >

> > I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> > definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

> about 3

> > hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family.

i

> have

> > called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this

point.

> i am

> > going to a new councelor now. i have always been

> the " bad " daughter,and

> > need some ideas of where to go from here.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>