Re: Re: Mother not speaking to me...

[Guest guest]

Also, " Emotional Blackmail " by Forward is an excellent resource.

Adria

erbuss_mom wrote:

Another good book, " Bad Childhood, good life. "

erbussmom

> >

> > I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> > definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

> about 3

> > hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family.

i

> have

> > called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this

point.

> i am

> > going to a new councelor now. i have always been

> the " bad " daughter,and

> > need some ideas of where to go from here.

> >

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

What you wrote was so beautiful. You're great.

Greg.

Re: Mother not speaking to me...

There are people on this board who wish they had this problem,

because they can't get their BP parent to leave them alone.

Being raised by a mentally ill parent causes innumerable problems

that we have to identify and then do something about. Most of us

were emotionally abused, and many of us were also physically

abused. Some of us were also sexually abused. It is very good that

you are going into counseling. Make sure your therapist knows about

BPD and is aware of it's effects on children of a BPD parent.

Even though she is not communicating right now, I suspect she will

again in the future. They need someone to split black, and it is

easier to use the same person, whom they have conditioned to accept

this sort of treatment.

Learn all you can about how BPDs behave, and how this behavior has

been directed at you. Learn how you have had to cope with her

treatment of you, and how those same coping mechanisms may be

damaging to you as an adult. Learn to take care of yourself (it is

not selfish!). Learn how to stand up for yourself and to walk away

from a person who is abusing you.

There are two books that are always recommended: " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " - SWOE - (written by Randi Kreger, the owner of this

list), and " Understand the Borderline Mother " - UBM - (by

Lawson, I believe). Some other books that many have found helpful

are 'Codependent No More', 'Toxic Parents' and 'Surviving a

Borderline Parent' (excellent workbook activities).

Now, at the same time, I will advise you to do all of this in small

doses - this can be overwhelming at first. It can be like you have

entered an different country. So be easy on yourself, and take

breaks when you are feeling overwhelmed. You didn't get to this

place overnight, and it will take time to unravel and examine

everything.

Reading and posting on this board has been helpful to everyone who

has done so. This is an excellent support group of people who

really have walked in your shoes.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

about 3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point.

i am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been

the " bad " daughter, and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Dawn,

I hate to break it to you but I have never met a person who was a KO a BP that

ever had a peaceful relationship with them while they were in their lives.

There is a great deal of stress of having to restate and rebuild boundaries over

and over b/c BP's don't understand boudaries. We are walking targets, not

people or children of. And I have to add it all depends on how severe her BPD

is. Setting normal boundaries with a BPD is like talking to somebody who is

deaf. No matter how hard you yell the boundary, they won't hear it - can't b/c

they're wired differently. Sorry that is not so positve, but again, this is

only my experience.

Take care,

Greg.

Mother not speaking to me...

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

about 3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point. i

am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been the " bad " daughter,

and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

>

>

>

> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

I just figured out how to read messages on this email. What you wrote about

my nada was very helpful. You are right on with what you said and how I am

feeling. I have both of those books, just getting UBM in the mail today. Part of

me wants to let her know that I do not deserve this type of treatment from her

and I will not accept it anymore...but, to what avail. Just waiting and doing

nothing is driving me crazy. I don't want her to be controling my thoughts,

although I still do not know where to go from here. I sent Christmas presents

in the mail, which I now realize was a mistake. I am just waiting for the game

to be over this time. Then I can set up boundaries which I am starting to read

about. I know I should take it slow after just learning about BPD, but I am

very excited to learn that I am not crazy!

Thanks for your thoughts.

Dawn

kylaboo728 wrote:

Glad you've found the group. Keep coming back, there's a wealth of

information here.

First things first -- those book recommendations are excellent. I

have them all. You should invest in Stop Walking on Eggshells and

Understanding the Borderline Mother. You'll find you're not alone

and that this game is an old one. You're playing as you were taught

by your mother many moons ago. You'll also learn, more importantly,

that you have the power to break the cycle.

2nd -- Your mother is playing a game. Your role in this game (also

known as a script everybody follows) is to react to the Silent

Treatment by rushing to her side to find out what's wrong. Refuse

to play. I know that's easy for me to say, but it sounds like

you're feeling guilt over something that's not your doing.

You've called, you've sent cards. You've done enough, and a healthy

person would respond because they value their relationship with

you. Your mother is ignoring you because she is incapable of a give-

take relationship, and she needs to raise the stakes as high as she

can so that SHE can feel important. Important enough to make

another human being grovel. Absolve yourself of guilt and leave it

alone.

I like that saying " You teach people how to treat you " . My hope for

you is that you get to the point where your mom's (or anyone

else's!) silent treatment is no longer an effective method for

manipulating you. You're grown, you exist as a separate individual

with her own life and YOU can draw the boundaries now. YOU can

decide what you'll put up with from people and what you won't.

Hugs -- Keep going to that counselor! Get reading! Your life

awaits!

-Kyla

>

> I have just joined this group and have found out about BPD. it

> definately matches my family history. thing is my mother lives

about 3

> hours away and has stopped communicating with me and my family. i

have

> called, sent cards, etc... i don't know what to do at this point.

i am

> going to a new councelor now. i have always been

the " bad " daughter,and

> need some ideas of where to go from here.

>

__________________________________________________