Re: New To The Group: Looking For A Reality Check

January 9, 2007

Good morning,

I wouldn't call it running away, I would call it disengaging or self

preservation. The only difference in your plite and mine is that my loving

relationship is 21 years YOUNGER...Talking about jealosy..........everything is

the same, except she and I live together (co-owners in her house).

I not only feel you have the right to draw a line in the sand, you have an

obligation to your children and your loving relationship. 48 can be the first

day of the rest of your life. (I am doing the same thing right now).

I am new to the support group, but feel so much better to know I am not in

this boat alone, and there is some life's adjustments that none of us want to

have to make, but such is life.

I choose not to let her hurt me anymore. If I cry, it is for what I know life

and family could have been (if she had been different), but I need to stop the

crazyness for me and my children and their children.

Stay strong and be in control, probably for the first time in your life....it

feels strange, but you can get used to it and learn to embrace it. Cackie

amydenada wrote:

I have reached a point where I don't have the ability to call my nada

anymore. Of course, I feel guilty and full of self doubt. I always had

very negative feelings about her, but I could hide it and tolerate her.

I'm 48, divorced from a narcissist, and have been in a truly loving

relationship for five years.

For the first couple of years Nada changed the subject when I talked

about my boyfriend...she was very upset about our age difference, he's

15 years older. It wasn't concern she expressed, it was closer to anger.

Over the years, she has become a political zealot, and has had rages

over any difference of opinion I hold. She blames my views on my

boyfriend who is " brainwashing me " . She has accused me of having

beliefs about things we never discussed,and gotten really angry. The

part which has pushed me over the edge is that she has called family

members and told them that my boyfriend is unacceptable to the family,

that " everyone agrees " , and tries to convince them that he is not to be

accepted. My cousin said she really liked him, and nada said " well, I

could be charmed by Hitler for a dinner if I didn't know who he was.

She has also tried to tell my children " the truth " about him.

She recently was trying to guilt me about my distance. I was honest and

told her that I've been afraid of her. She said " that's your problem

not mine " . The thought of her makes me sick, anxious and guilty.

I've felt much more peaceful with her at a distance, am I justified in

running away?

__________________________________________________

January 9, 2007

Dear Amy, YES!!!! ( and welcome) Dee

>

> I have reached a point where I don't have the ability to call my nada

> anymore. Of course, I feel guilty and full of self doubt. I always had

> very negative feelings about her, but I could hide it and tolerate her.

> I'm 48, divorced from a narcissist, and have been in a truly loving

> relationship for five years.

> For the first couple of years Nada changed the subject when I talked

> about my boyfriend...she was very upset about our age difference, he's

> 15 years older. It wasn't concern she expressed, it was closer to anger.

> Over the years, she has become a political zealot, and has had rages

> over any difference of opinion I hold. She blames my views on my

> boyfriend who is " brainwashing me " . She has accused me of having

> beliefs about things we never discussed,and gotten really angry. The

> part which has pushed me over the edge is that she has called family

> members and told them that my boyfriend is unacceptable to the family,

> that " everyone agrees " , and tries to convince them that he is not to be

> accepted. My cousin said she really liked him, and nada said " well, I

> could be charmed by Hitler for a dinner if I didn't know who he was.

> She has also tried to tell my children " the truth " about him.

> She recently was trying to guilt me about my distance. I was honest and

> told her that I've been afraid of her. She said " that's your problem

> not mine " . The thought of her makes me sick, anxious and guilty.

> I've felt much more peaceful with her at a distance, am I justified in

> running away?

>

January 9, 2007

Hi, Amy. I can relate to your situation. I’m in a loving relationship (with a

man who is nine years older than me), and nada and fada both think he’s

brainwashing me! I called the cops on them for the first time a couple of weeks

ago (after they refused to leave my condo when I asked, then ordered, them to),

and they blamed it on him. “He told you to do that, didn’t he? You planned

that.” Um, no. It was just the only thing I could think of to do at the time. It

was a holiday weekend, I hadn’t been able to get in touch with a counselor yet,

and I needed someone to mediate the situation.

I’ve also experienced nada making things up. She makes up people, conversations

– anything that will help her make her “case” against me.

Also, I just recently told nada that I’ve been afraid of her for a while. And

she completely negated my fear. She said I wasn’t afraid of her. I was afraid of

getting caught doing things “wrong,” i.e. moving in with my boyfriend and

calling the cops on my parents. Oh, what an evil child I am!

I had my first counseling session last night, and just in the first few minutes,

the counselor said something to me that I thought was really profound. I told

him about the cop situation, and then I told him that, after my parents calmed

back down, I allowed them to come back into the condo briefly to get a drink of

water. And now I’m starting to think that this was a mistake. He asked me what I

hoped to gain by letting them back in. I told him I thought it might smoothe

things over a bit. Then he asked, “How long have you known your parents?” Me:

“29 years.” Counselor: “Have their behaviors changed toward you at all in those

29 years?” Me: “No.” Counselor: “Then why did you think anything would be

different once you let them back in your condo?”

Uh, wow! I told him it was because I still had hope that things could be worked

out. And he nodded his head, then told me that it was probably a false hope!

Once I started thinking about it, I could see how right he was. They’re not

going to change. They’re always going to see me (and my boyfriend – really, any

boyfriend) as bad, evil, horrible, whatever, as long as we’re doing something

they don’t completely agree with – as long as I’m trying to take control of my

own actions and live my life out from under their thumbs.

Anyway, all this is to say that I don’t think it is at all wrong for you to keep

distance from your mom. In fact, it sounds like it’s safer. She probably won’t

change. She’ll still make you feel anxious and guilty, just like my nada does.

And we don’t need that in our lives!

New To The Group: Looking For A Reality Check

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> I have reached a point where I don't have the ability to call my

> nada

> anymore. Of course, I feel guilty and full of self doubt. I

> always had

> very negative feelings about her, but I could hide it and

> tolerate her.

> I'm 48, divorced from a narcissist, and have been in a truly

> loving

> relationship for five years.

> For the first couple of years Nada changed the subject when I

> talked

> about my boyfriend...she was very upset about our age

> difference, he's

> 15 years older. It wasn't concern she expressed, it was closer

> to anger.

> Over the years, she has become a political zealot, and has had

> rages

> over any difference of opinion I hold. She blames my views on my

> boyfriend who is " brainwashing me " . She has accused me of having

> beliefs about things we never discussed,and gotten really angry.

> The

> part which has pushed me over the edge is that she has called

> family

> members and told them that my boyfriend is unacceptable to the

> family,

> that " everyone agrees " , and tries to convince them that he is

> not to be

> accepted. My cousin said she really liked him, and nada said

> " well, I

> could be charmed by Hitler for a dinner if I didn't know who he

> was.

> She has also tried to tell my children " the truth " about him.

> She recently was trying to guilt me about my distance. I was

> honest and

> told her that I've been afraid of her. She said " that's your

> problem

> not mine " . The thought of her makes me sick, anxious and guilty.

> I've felt much more peaceful with her at a distance, am I

> justified in

> running away?

>

January 9, 2007

You're not running away. You are making sure that your emotional self is safe

and happy. My 3 year old is having her birthday party this week and I have

invited everyone except nada. Deep down I feel terrible about this, but our

last conversation ended with her telling me to find another mother. I don't

want that in my life or my families.I am going to a counselor and she has

suggested that the only reason my mother tolerated my husband is because he is

so " easy going " . She said most husbands would have told her to get out of the

families life. I am glad things have worked the way they have with my dh

because it has allowed me to process all of this crap and allowed me to grow on

a daily basis, with hurt, tears, anger, and then relief.

Welcome.