enabling and inabling

[Guest guest]

I've often talked about this with my brother about nada and fada so I

thought I would share.

Enabling is a very hot word at nada's house. My brother who is 27 and still

living with them has some pretty heavy drug and alcohol issues which is

where the enabling comes in. Both nada and fada admit that they enable my

brother BIG-TIME...they give him money that they know he is going to buy

drugs with....they make empty threats....they never have any consequences

for his bad behavior...never. Actually, it is quite the opposite....the

last time we had a big blow out, my brother threw my fada to the ground and

lunged at nada with a knife. The very next day...what did they do? They

bought him a brand new mustang convertible....of course! They are actually

doing much more than enabling...they are positively reinforcing the

behavior! Here is the thing though...part of her enabling process has been

another process of INabling him. He has no life skills whatsoever because

nada has gone out of her way to MAKE SURE he can't do for himself. We are

talking about a 27 year old man who doesn't even know how to make pop-tarts.

Honestly and truly....how we get food in the house...the theory totally

illudes him. He honestly can't understand why I have a full refridgerator

full of groceries and a pantry filled with canned foods, snacks and cereals.

..yet their shelves are bare. I've tried to explain to him several times how

to go to the grocery store. I've taken him to the grocery store twice in

the past year and he has no clue what to do...he just wanders around lost.

Now we're not talking about someone who has a decreased mental capacity here

...he has just been THAT sheltered. He came to me crying just the other week

because he needed to call work to find out his schedule but nada wasn't home

to make the call for him. He knows how to use a phone, but he doesn't know

how to look a number up. He's never had a checking account or paid a bill..

..ever. He doesn't even know how to cash his paycheck! He gives his check

to nada and she gives him the cash back. I'm actually surprised that he can

tie his shoes. It just amazes me how she has totally inabled him to keep

him from leaving....to force him to rely on her....it's about power, it's

about control, it's about entitlement....honestly, I think she just had no

mothering skills whatsoever and just keeps him 100% dependent on her so that

people don't find out that she's not this super, fantastic, wonderful saint

that she thinks they think she is.

As a jab, she will often tell me that my oldest daughter is JUST LIKE my

brother. The funny thing is.....i used to say that all the time, and she

would argue with me. But now, when she is cornered and my brother has a

major melt down she will take these verbal jabs at me. Here is the thing

though...my oldest daughter IS just like my brother. She is very difficult

to get along with, she's stubborn and spoiled and extremely demanding. She

gets very nasty when she gets cornered and says some really horrible things.

She has some MAJOR anger issues. The difference is though....at the age of

16 she hasn't been arrested or suspended. She hasn't done drugs and isn't

interested in them. There are concequences for her actions and both my

husband and myself do what we say and say what we mean. Grounded for 3 days

means 72 hours...not a minute less. At the age of 12 she was a member of a

senior elite cheerleading squad. At the age of 12, my brother had switched

schools 3 times. We don't let our kids quit, and when things don't go the

way they expect, they take a couple of steps back, take a deep breath and

say....ok...well this might not be so terrible. I could go on and on.

Basically though, my point is...she's right...both she and I raised

virtually the same child. But because I was lucky enough to see her

sickness and allow her to OWN those things, I was able to raise a healthy

happy child.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny