Guest guest Posted December 11, 2006 Report Share Posted December 11, 2006 Valuklon, Since there is an ocean between you, you know that she can't possibly reach your boyfriend. But I can understand the fear, because as a child, you believed she had the powers she professed to have. You are not being silly. You are responding to the conditioning you received. I am wondering if her statements are linked to her emotional age. Little children think that they have the power to cause things to happen just by thinking them, and because nada's are so emotionally immature, could it be possible that she is falling victim to this kind of thinking? She may really believe that when something bad happens to someone, it is because at some time she wished them harm. And if she thinks this way, then she is taking it a step further and threatening harm. But she doesn't have that power, it is just her faulty thinking. Take care, Sylvia > > Has anyone else's BPD mom ever made threats about their partners' safety? > > I've been NC with my nada for about 3 months now as I started thinking > I didn't actually deserve her unpleasant behaviour towards me (took me > 20 years to figure that one out) and am suddenly getting very anxious > when my boyfriend goes out alone - I keep having thoughts that > something bad may happen to him (actually feel nervous actually > putting it in words). Whenever someone would cross my nada - she > would say " they'll pay for that somehow " . When my aunt (her sister) > lost her husband while driving (he had a sudden heart attack) - she > said " that's what happens when people go against me " . I guess that's > just probably another way she had of trying to control me. > > I know I'm being silly but can't help feeling worried about my > partner's safety. It's not even like she lives close to us - there's > an ocean separating us (thank goodness!) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2006 Report Share Posted December 14, 2006 Lune, You are NOT alone. I'm sitting there with you, too, and I want to put a blanket of protection and care around you, to give you that rest you so desperately need to recharge and see things the way they really are, not the crazy, magical thinking tapes, and tremendous paralyzing fear. This will pass. All my very best, Greg. --- lune82575 wrote: > Thank you for sharing this. It never stops amazing > me how similiar > our experiences can be. You truly described my nada. > This seems to be > exactly what I am struggling with right now, the > ability to live in > the moment and not feel every experience tinged with > anxiety, or > guilt, or shame. I also never underestimate nada and > her ability to > hurt. One of the few time she spoke to my MIL she > told her I had a > mean streak and I think intuitively, I knew as a > small child not to > ever cross her. > Even as a supposed adult I am still fearful of her > taking away my peaceful life. She has never shared > my success, felt > truly happy for me. She treats the important people > in my life as > disposable and with little respect. After my MIL > died (she was only > 47 years old and an amazing, loving person who > taught me how to cook, > budget, what a loving family feels like) we found a > letter nada wrote her that was horrible, telling my > MIL that she > brainwashed me, poisoned the well, that if they knew > the " real " me > that they would be much more sympathetic towards > poor, piteous nada. > For a long time I was afraid my > DH would believe nada and discover the real me. I > think it took about > six years to for it to really sink in that he loves > me. When I went > nc with nada back in August I started having dreams > at night where I > would lose him in train stations, unfamiliar,scary > places, abandoned > buildings. At times he > feels like the life preserver that I cling to > through all of this. > > The times when I feel most secure, happy are the > times where I am > also watching my back, waiting for the next crisis, > drama, smear > campaign to begin. The " waiting for the other shoe > to drop effect " is > something I struggle constantly, the whole reactive > non-bp role. > I too struggle with the real me, one who isn't > defined by distortion > by nada and the thoughts that take place in my mind. > Sometimes I am > my own worst enemy and can > never escape the negative thinking that I will never > be able to do > enough, be enough. What worked for me once, seems to > be sabotaging my > happiness in the present and future. In certain > situations, > especially those that are unfamiliar, I am so > hypervigilant that I > can make myself physically ill, become so tense I > end up with a > migrane, throwing up. > > I don't feel like I can offer any wisdom to anyone, > only that reading > your post and finding so much similiarity gives me a > lot of insight > into all of this and how I am struggling to detangle > myself > emotionally from nada and to finally have a sense of > self. I think I > am trying to find my way as a grownup. What worked > for once, seems to > be sabatoging my happiness in the present and > future. I really have > to work on myself and nada will just have to deal > with my boundaries. > The emotions are the hardiest, they make me feel so > vulnerable. Wow, > this is a lot longer than I planned! Really good > topic. Thanks for > posting. I am trying to shake that ingrained belief, > the magical > thinking, and the powerlessness I feel in this > relationship with nada. > > > > > > > > Valuklon, > > > > > > I have never had any threats to my partner's > safety, > > > however, I did have the magical thinking imposed > on me > > > by my nada. She still uses it today. She sent > out a > > > blanket email about how she was so powerful that > b/c > > > it was her first radiation treatment, she broke > the > === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2006 Report Share Posted December 14, 2006 Kyla, Your nada and fada are insane. Good for you and your great catch DH. Keep living your life for you! (It must be heaven going to the lake house!!) Greg. --- kylaboo728 wrote: > Ariel wrote: " ...one of her main triggers is that > she can't stand for me to have attention or success > of any kind-which > brings attention). If I loved something or made a > major > accomplishment she managed to make it disappear. " > > Oh, how I can relate to that. The memories flood > back -- my college > graduation, she left town to be at the hospital > while her father had > open heart surgery (granted, a serious thing, but > she could have > waited until the next morning after graduation -- I > remember > thinking that at the time) > > My first baby shower -- all my friends came a great > distance to > celebrate the occasion. After the party, she sat > and one-by-one cut > down each of my friends and told me what she didn't > like about each > one. > > We bought a lovely lakehouse almost a year ago. > She's been invited > to see it -- she won't come, always finds excuses. > A dear friend > pointed out that she's doing that because it shows a > measure of our > success, and she can't be gracious in someone else's > good fortune. > > I couldn't announce my engagement to my wonderful > fiance. (my now- > husband of 20 years!!). Wasn't allowed to. It > would upset nada. > In a normal family, he would have been a great > catch. But we were > told to keep it to ourselves by fada -- a sense of > shame enveloped > us. > > I could go on and on......Makes me angry to think of > the countless > examples. > > > > > > > > > > Valuklon, > > > > > > I have never had any threats to my partner's > safety, > > > however, I did have the magical thinking imposed > on me > > > by my nada. She still uses it today. She sent > out a > > > blanket email about how she was so powerful that > b/c > > > it was her first radiation treatment, she broke > the > > > machine. Now imagine a child hearing this, who > can't > > > reason like an adult. And the really sick thing > is > > > that the adult BP really believes that they are > that > > > powerful. SICK. > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2006 Report Share Posted December 17, 2006 Thank you a and to the others that have replied. It has been comforting, as always, to know I'm not alone. Many thanks all. > > Why do you know you are being silly? Is this to disuade any attack > from someone telling you you are being silly? You have a valid > concern!! You have a mentally unstable person, who makes threats, who > knows you intimately and may be pissed at you. > > My DH, a martial artist, and I have had conversations on fear. The > end of the conversations always come down to think it out and address > the fears. Come up with what the worse things that could happen and > think out plans to handle them. My DH says, fear is an import cabinet > member on your team of emotions. You want to hear him out, but you > don't want to let him take over the floor either. > > Surrounding you in a white light of safety. > > a > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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