Re: I'm New---finally starting to connect the dots

[Guest guest]

Welcome, Lois. I, too, could identify with a lot of what you

wrote. Especially the procrastination, indecision, perfectionism,

failure to stand up for myself....

Sorry for the hurts you've suffered, but you're on the right road by

reaching out here. You'll find you're not alone, and that there is

hope out of the " land of OZ " .

You'll be glad you found this group. I'm sure we can learn a lot

from each other.

-Kyla

>

> Hello,

>

> I just joined this list because I can see I've got a lot of work

to do

> on myself and I really need some support from people who

understand.

>

> I want to grow, to move past my limiting beliefs, lack of self-

worth

> and fear of rejection, etc. All my life I've struggled with these

> issues and other related ones: procrastination, indecisiveness,

> perfectionism, inability to stand up for myself. I used to beat

> myself up and feel very guilty about these perceived character

flaws.

> Now I'm getting a better understanding about where this stuff

comes

> from. Yes, you probably guessed it, a lot comes from my Mom. I'm

> just starting to come to grips with the fact that she may have, if

not

> a full blown case, some Borderline traits or some other personality

> disorder, like Narcissistic, or OCPD. Whatever it is, she's pretty

> messed up and that in turn has impacted me. It all came to a head

> for me this week.

>

> I hope this Thanksgiving holiday will prove a personal turning

point.

> It was extremely painful, but hopefully out of this pain will come

> self-awareness and growth. My 15 year old daughter flew in for the

> holiday. She is in a residential treatment program for kids with

> severe emotional problems--she is bipolar and very likely also

> Borderline. Our relationship has been particularly rocky since she

> hit the teen years so I was initially wary about this home visit,

her

> first in 6 months. But then I got sucked in when she called me a

> couple of days before coming and said how much she was looking

forward

> to help me cook all her old favorites. So I was hopeful this

would be

> an opportunity to re-establish a loving relationship. Boy was I

ever

> disappointed! She was uncooperative, disrespectful, totally

> self-centered and downright nasty. It was a gut-wrenching

emotional

> rollercoaster for me. I told her on the way to the airport

yesterday

> that her behavior during her visit was totally unacceptable and

when I

> dropped her off she just walked away without so much as a goodbye

or a

> backward glance. Wow, I can't deny that hurt.

>

> But while my daughter was here my mother also blew up over what I

> considered something very minor and which she misinterpreted. She

> hasn't done that in quite a while so it forced me to look at her

> behavior and I had to admit the pathology there. Normal people

don't

> just blow some minor incident out of all proportion and then go

into

> the Silent Treatment. It made me remember the past when she'd do

that

> and it could go on for weeks, actually indefinitely until I finally

> had to eat what I called " Humble Pie " and go and apologize

profusely.

> The longer it went on the worse she got as she dug herself deeper

and

> deeper into a black hole of depression. So I learned to suck it in

> quickly.

>

> So there it is. I've been starting to connect the dots since I

> dropped my daughter off at the airport yesterday. I'm beginning to

> see why it's been so hard for me to discipline her, set limits and

be

> firm. She is admittedly very challenging--she's giving the staff

at

> the RTC a run for their money. She is manipulative and very

clever at

> it. The house mother there told me that my daughter gets her

> entertainment from setting up both peers and staff and manipulating

> them! So when you put that together with me, the Super Appeaser,

it's

> a very challenging situation. So I'm in a sink or swim situation

> here. If I don't learn to stand up for myself and set firm

limits, my

> daughter will roll right over me. Her specialty is exploiting a

> person's weakness.

>

> It seems to me there is a huge opportunity here for me to grow.

The

> trouble is I'm not sure I know how to go about it. I've lived my

> whole life with these patterns deeply ingrained. I think I'm

going to

> need help--possibly therapy or a support group.

>

> I'd really appreciate input from you all how to best go about this.

>

> Thanks for the help.

> Lois

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lois,

Welcome to our group. What you have described, is, unfortunately,

typical for a KO (Kid Of a BPD). Therapy - with someone who

understands the effects a BPD parent has on his/her children will be

a tremendous help.

Also, there is another list that is for parents of a BPD child, and

you may also want to look there to see if it will help you deal with

your daughter. If you email our list owner, I am sure she can give

you the name of that group.

For people who are just starting on their journey of healing from

the trauma of being raised by a BPD, my advice is to take baby

steps, don't be harsh with yourself, expect set backs, keep posting

and reading, and first and formost, learn to take care of yourself.

Sylvia

>

> Hello,

>

> I just joined this list because I can see I've got a lot of work

to do

> on myself and I really need some support from people who

understand.

>

> I want to grow, to move past my limiting beliefs, lack of self-

worth

> and fear of rejection, etc. All my life I've struggled with these

> issues and other related ones: procrastination, indecisiveness,

> perfectionism, inability to stand up for myself. I used to beat

> myself up and feel very guilty about these perceived character

flaws.

> Now I'm getting a better understanding about where this stuff

comes

> from. Yes, you probably guessed it, a lot comes from my Mom. I'm

> just starting to come to grips with the fact that she may have, if

not

> a full blown case, some Borderline traits or some other personality

> disorder, like Narcissistic, or OCPD. Whatever it is, she's pretty

> messed up and that in turn has impacted me. It all came to a head

> for me this week.

>

> I hope this Thanksgiving holiday will prove a personal turning

point.

> It was extremely painful, but hopefully out of this pain will come

> self-awareness and growth. My 15 year old daughter flew in for the

> holiday. She is in a residential treatment program for kids with

> severe emotional problems--she is bipolar and very likely also

> Borderline. Our relationship has been particularly rocky since she

> hit the teen years so I was initially wary about this home visit,

her

> first in 6 months. But then I got sucked in when she called me a

> couple of days before coming and said how much she was looking

forward

> to help me cook all her old favorites. So I was hopeful this

would be

> an opportunity to re-establish a loving relationship. Boy was I

ever

> disappointed! She was uncooperative, disrespectful, totally

> self-centered and downright nasty. It was a gut-wrenching

emotional

> rollercoaster for me. I told her on the way to the airport

yesterday

> that her behavior during her visit was totally unacceptable and

when I

> dropped her off she just walked away without so much as a goodbye

or a

> backward glance. Wow, I can't deny that hurt.

>

> But while my daughter was here my mother also blew up over what I

> considered something very minor and which she misinterpreted. She

> hasn't done that in quite a while so it forced me to look at her

> behavior and I had to admit the pathology there. Normal people

don't

> just blow some minor incident out of all proportion and then go

into

> the Silent Treatment. It made me remember the past when she'd do

that

> and it could go on for weeks, actually indefinitely until I finally

> had to eat what I called " Humble Pie " and go and apologize

profusely.

> The longer it went on the worse she got as she dug herself deeper

and

> deeper into a black hole of depression. So I learned to suck it in

> quickly.

>

> So there it is. I've been starting to connect the dots since I

> dropped my daughter off at the airport yesterday. I'm beginning to

> see why it's been so hard for me to discipline her, set limits and

be

> firm. She is admittedly very challenging--she's giving the staff

at

> the RTC a run for their money. She is manipulative and very

clever at

> it. The house mother there told me that my daughter gets her

> entertainment from setting up both peers and staff and manipulating

> them! So when you put that together with me, the Super Appeaser,

it's

> a very challenging situation. So I'm in a sink or swim situation

> here. If I don't learn to stand up for myself and set firm

limits, my

> daughter will roll right over me. Her specialty is exploiting a

> person's weakness.

>

> It seems to me there is a huge opportunity here for me to grow.

The

> trouble is I'm not sure I know how to go about it. I've lived my

> whole life with these patterns deeply ingrained. I think I'm

going to

> need help--possibly therapy or a support group.

>

> I'd really appreciate input from you all how to best go about this.

>

> Thanks for the help.

> Lois

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lois,

I mostly lurk but I thought I would chime in here. I am also

sandwiched in between a probably BPD mother and daughter. amazing

how often that happens. I think you are on to something. Growing

up with a parent who beats us down (verbally and emotionally if not

literally) every time we try to stand up for ourselves, we learn to

be apeasers and people pleasers, for our own survival. We learn not

to have boundaries or say No, or to insist on our own way. When we

become parents, then, we are in deep trouble, because parents have

to set boundaries, say No, and decide how it's going to be - all the

things we were taught not to do as children. Even my milder natured

children run over me, and the one I think is BPD - forget it. Her

footprints are all over me. I am sure my lack of assertiveness made

her problem worse, too. Not blaming myself, just the way it is. I

think God sends teachers into our lives in the form of people who

force us to work on our issues. This daughter is one of my best

teachers. I don't have much contact with my mother, but sometimes I

think she lives in my house, my daughter acts so much like her! So,

if I thought moving away from Mom was going to fix things, HA!

She's 24 now (daughter, not Mom lol) and mellowing out. I don't

know if it is the maturing process or me learning to stand up to her

or a little of both. So there is hope.

In addition to the BPD specific books others have mentioned on here,

one I found helpful is The Disease to Please. The author's last

name is Braiker, and I can't remember her first name right now.

This book deals specifically with being an appeaser, and how to

stop. The book contains a 21 day program to cure people pleasing.

Sure, right. If we could fix this in three weeks we would have done

it already. The exercises and activities in this section are very

helpful. Just don't expect to be cured in three weeks!

>

> Hello,

>

> I just joined this list because I can see I've got a lot of work

to do

> on myself and I really need some support from people who

understand.

>

> I want to grow, to move past my limiting beliefs, lack of self-

worth

> and fear of rejection, etc. All my life I've struggled with these

> issues and other related ones: procrastination, indecisiveness,

> perfectionism, inability to stand up for myself. I used to beat

> myself up and feel very guilty about these perceived character

flaws.

> Now I'm getting a better understanding about where this stuff

comes

> from. Yes, you probably guessed it, a lot comes from my Mom. I'm

> just starting to come to grips with the fact that she may have, if

not

> a full blown case, some Borderline traits or some other personality

> disorder, like Narcissistic, or OCPD. Whatever it is, she's pretty

> messed up and that in turn has impacted me. It all came to a head

> for me this week.

>

> I hope this Thanksgiving holiday will prove a personal turning

point.

> It was extremely painful, but hopefully out of this pain will come

> self-awareness and growth. My 15 year old daughter flew in for the

> holiday. She is in a residential treatment program for kids with

> severe emotional problems--she is bipolar and very likely also

> Borderline. Our relationship has been particularly rocky since she

> hit the teen years so I was initially wary about this home visit,

her

> first in 6 months. But then I got sucked in when she called me a

> couple of days before coming and said how much she was looking

forward

> to help me cook all her old favorites. So I was hopeful this

would be

> an opportunity to re-establish a loving relationship. Boy was I

ever

> disappointed! She was uncooperative, disrespectful, totally

> self-centered and downright nasty. It was a gut-wrenching

emotional

> rollercoaster for me. I told her on the way to the airport

yesterday

> that her behavior during her visit was totally unacceptable and

when I

> dropped her off she just walked away without so much as a goodbye

or a

> backward glance. Wow, I can't deny that hurt.

>

> But while my daughter was here my mother also blew up over what I

> considered something very minor and which she misinterpreted. She

> hasn't done that in quite a while so it forced me to look at her

> behavior and I had to admit the pathology there. Normal people

don't

> just blow some minor incident out of all proportion and then go

into

> the Silent Treatment. It made me remember the past when she'd do

that

> and it could go on for weeks, actually indefinitely until I finally

> had to eat what I called " Humble Pie " and go and apologize

profusely.

> The longer it went on the worse she got as she dug herself deeper

and

> deeper into a black hole of depression. So I learned to suck it in

> quickly.

>

> So there it is. I've been starting to connect the dots since I

> dropped my daughter off at the airport yesterday. I'm beginning to

> see why it's been so hard for me to discipline her, set limits and

be

> firm. She is admittedly very challenging--she's giving the staff

at

> the RTC a run for their money. She is manipulative and very

clever at

> it. The house mother there told me that my daughter gets her

> entertainment from setting up both peers and staff and manipulating

> them! So when you put that together with me, the Super Appeaser,

it's

> a very challenging situation. So I'm in a sink or swim situation

> here. If I don't learn to stand up for myself and set firm

limits, my

> daughter will roll right over me. Her specialty is exploiting a

> person's weakness.

>

> It seems to me there is a huge opportunity here for me to grow.

The

> trouble is I'm not sure I know how to go about it. I've lived my

> whole life with these patterns deeply ingrained. I think I'm

going to

> need help--possibly therapy or a support group.

>

> I'd really appreciate input from you all how to best go about this.

>

> Thanks for the help.

> Lois

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Grace,

Thanks for the welcome and feedback. I used to think my mother was

the only one that did that silent treatment stuff and, oh how I hated

it. It made me angry and resentful and learning to stuff it was not a

healthy thing--I can see that now. It is so hard for me now to show

any anger, although I must say my daughter has sure helped a lot with

that as she regularly pushes all my buttons. I've discovered anger I

never knew I had!

Lois

, " whatacutemom " wrote:

>

> Welcome to the group! You will find lots of support here. I can

> already identify with a couple of things you said, specifically the

> part about your mother blowing up at things and giving you the

> silent treatment, leading you to apologize for things that probably

> were not your fault at all.

> You'll find a lot of encouragement here. Our stories are all very

> similar.

>

> Grace

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla, it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone and that not only have

I found a group of people who understand where I've come from, but

actually also share many of the same issues which over the years I've

so beaten myself up for--the procrastination, indecision, etc. I've a

feeling once I stop beating myself up and come more to a position of

understanding, it's going to be a whole lot easier to make positive

changes!

Thanks.

Lois

" kylaboo728 " wrote:

>

> Welcome, Lois. I, too, could identify with a lot of what you

> wrote. Especially the procrastination, indecision, perfectionism,

> failure to stand up for myself....

>

> Sorry for the hurts you've suffered, but you're on the right road by

> reaching out here. You'll find you're not alone, and that there is

> hope out of the " land of OZ " .

>

> You'll be glad you found this group. I'm sure we can learn a lot

> from each other.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi One Non-BP Recovering Man,

I didn't even know what a Non-Bp was when I first read your post, but

I discovered a site last night that had a test and I scored 80 out of

92, so I think I'm in the same boat with you. I noticed today when

somebody bumped into me, I said " sorry, " a typical reaction for me. I

think that just about sums it up! Looks like I've got a lot of work

to do!! thanks for the support

Lois

Recovering Non-BP wrote:

>

> Lois,

>

> Welcome. Many of us have been helped by this group

> and books such as " Stop Walking on Eggshells. "

> Searching on the internet for the phrase " borderline

> personality disorder " brings up a lot of information,

> too. You're not alone. Keep posting. Keep coming

> back.

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Greg,

Thanks for the welcome and kind words of encouragement. I know I'm

going to need a therapist but I'm not clear how to find a good one or

what kind to look for. Should I try to find someone who does DBT and

works with Borderline people? Would Cognitive Therapy help? What

about therapists who stress healing the inner child? I'm clueless.

I'd like to know what you (and others) have found most helpful.

Thanks.

Lois

G wrote:

>

> Lois,

>

> Wow, I am sorry to hear about your Thanksgiving with

> your daughter and mother's insanity ruining it for

> you. Bottom line that is what it is: INSANITY. You

> are absolutely right about " possibly seeing a

> therapist " IMO. So many of us have and it is just a

> necessity to get through the trauma to heal so that

> you can set those boundaries b/c you know who you are

> setting them for = Yourself.

>

> We are all here for you to write and vent and discuss

> or just be. This is a very safe and wonderful place

> of healing. Welcome.

>

> Greg.

[Guest guest]

Hi JosoBak25,

I think we must be kindred spirits. I've struggled with the same type

of things you mentioned, not feeling deserving or good enough. I

remember in college when I got an A on a paper, I always was surprised

and felt somehow I'd fooled the professor and didn't really deserve

it. I think I also have a tendency to feel guilty as you do but even

more with me it's a matter of always feeling responsible for

everything and having a very hard time delegating. So here I am,

single with no support system and responsible for not one but three

people with serious emotional problems: my mom, my daughter and also a

cousin who has brain injury, I'm the trustee of his special needs

trust. Right now he is in BIG trouble. I really tried hard to help

him with a similiar situation 2 years ago and he's right back again.

This time I'm stepping back. I'm not going to get so involved because

he was never invested in the solution. Besides I'm so burnt out.

Time to work on my issues for a change. This being a non-BP is the

pits isn't it?

Thanks for sharing. It's really good to know I've come to the right

place!

Best,

Lois

JosoBak25 wrote:

>

> Lois,

>

> Wow! Sounds like a terrible situation. To have both a daughter

and a mother with such similar traits. The fact that you are starting

to talk about it and reflect on it is SO healthy though and it will be

very good for you to 'air out' your brain.

>

> I related to two things you wrote, in particular, the 'humble pie'

bit, being forced to apologize at length, and without meaning it--it's

usually just to appease them, isn' it?--for any trifling thing they

decide to take as a grievance.

>

> I also related to the issues you cited, procrastination,

indecisiveness, perfectionism. I have a strange combination of all of

those and a very unhealthy tendency to feel guilty about EVERYTHING.

It tends to be my first emotion in almost any circumstance and I find

myself, an otherwise sensible person, being hard on myself about

irrational things. I'm such a hard worker and I put in a lot of hours

during the week but I usually feel guilty about not working more. On

the weekends or into the night. It's not like work is any busier than

normal and I have overcome most of my procrastination tendencies

(although it's my first instinct) but I still always feel like I'm

going to be 'caught' not having worked hard enough.

>

> I must have internalized the fear of getting yelled at or being

made to feel guilty about normal things (going out with friends,

having a boyfriend) and so I worry that, at any given point, someone

will be angry with me and they will be 'right' because I am used to

anger trumping all logic. Hmm.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia,

I was part of a list for parents of BPD kids some time ago but I think

that list is no longer in operation. I think it would be helpful to

be on a list like that but actually I really want to focus on working

on my issues because that's what's impacting the way I handle my

daughter and all areas of my life. I feel like I've got a tiger by

the tail. You are right, it's going to take me quite a while to work

my way through it. I know I need therapy but have no idea where to

look to find a good therapist. There aren't many who deal with BPD.

>

> Hi Lois,

>

> Welcome to our group. What you have described, is, unfortunately,

> typical for a KO (Kid Of a BPD). Therapy - with someone who

> understands the effects a BPD parent has on his/her children will be

> a tremendous help.

>

> Also, there is another list that is for parents of a BPD child, and

> you may also want to look there to see if it will help you deal with

> your daughter. If you email our list owner, I am sure she can give

> you the name of that group.

>

> For people who are just starting on their journey of healing from

> the trauma of being raised by a BPD, my advice is to take baby

> steps, don't be harsh with yourself, expect set backs, keep posting

> and reading, and first and formost, learn to take care of yourself.

>

> Sylvia

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Our situation gives a whole new meaning to Sandwich Generation! I'm

going to check into the book you mentioned. It sounds like a winner.

And I'm not expecting a quick fix, but if it moves me along in the

right direction, it will be worth it.

Thanks.

Lois

>

> Dear Lois,

>

> I mostly lurk but I thought I would chime in here. I am also

> sandwiched in between a probably BPD mother and daughter. amazing

> how often that happens. I think you are on to something. Growing

> up with a parent who beats us down (verbally and emotionally if not

> literally) every time we try to stand up for ourselves, we learn to

> be apeasers and people pleasers, for our own survival. We learn not

> to have boundaries or say No, or to insist on our own way. When we

> become parents, then, we are in deep trouble, because parents have

> to set boundaries, say No, and decide how it's going to be - all the

> things we were taught not to do as children. Even my milder natured

> children run over me, and the one I think is BPD - forget it. Her

> footprints are all over me. I am sure my lack of assertiveness made

> her problem worse, too. Not blaming myself, just the way it is. I

> think God sends teachers into our lives in the form of people who

> force us to work on our issues. This daughter is one of my best

> teachers. I don't have much contact with my mother, but sometimes I

> think she lives in my house, my daughter acts so much like her! So,

> if I thought moving away from Mom was going to fix things, HA!

> She's 24 now (daughter, not Mom lol) and mellowing out. I don't

> know if it is the maturing process or me learning to stand up to her

> or a little of both. So there is hope.

>

> In addition to the BPD specific books others have mentioned on here,

> one I found helpful is The Disease to Please. The author's last

> name is Braiker, and I can't remember her first name right now.

> This book deals specifically with being an appeaser, and how to

> stop. The book contains a 21 day program to cure people pleasing.

> Sure, right. If we could fix this in three weeks we would have done

> it already. The exercises and activities in this section are very

> helpful. Just don't expect to be cured in three weeks!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just checked and the book is available at my local libary. the

author's name is Harriet Braiker. Thanks so much for the great tip.

It sounds like an excellent place to start.

Lois

>

> Dear Lois,

>

>

>

> In addition to the BPD specific books others have mentioned on here,

> one I found helpful is The Disease to Please. The author's last

> name is Braiker, and I can't remember her first name right now.

> This book deals specifically with being an appeaser, and how to

> stop. The book contains a 21 day program to cure people pleasing.

> Sure, right. If we could fix this in three weeks we would have done

> it already. The exercises and activities in this section are very

> helpful. Just don't expect to be cured in three weeks!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

To answer your question about my daughter: she came home and basically

wanted to spend all her time on the phone to her boyfriend. When I

reminded her that she had come home for just a few days to spend time

with the family, and that she'd said she wanted to help cook the

Thanksgiving Meal, she got an attitude with me. She did help with a

few things, but not very willingly.

She has always been difficult but it's much worse now she's a

teenager. I think what hurt me was she was very unloving. When she

was younger, we did have a good rapport but now she is quite hostile

to me (has even written notes saying she wants to kill me--although I

don't take that seriously, it's still very upsetting).

Hope this answers your question and gives some flavor of what I " m up

against.

Lois

>

> Lois,

>

> Its sounds like your mother causes a lot of distress and anxiety in

> your life, it must feel like the end of the world if you don't hastily

> keep her satisfied or at bay. Don't worry it's not end of the world.

> We're here for you. Just keep reading and posting, it'll unravel as

> you do. Welcome!

>

> Oh one more thing. I'm interested to know how your daughter was

> " uncooperative, disrespectful, self-centered and down right nasty? "

> Has she always been like this? Is she like this all the time?

>

> Best,

>

> -

>

[Guest guest]

Hi a,

That's the trouble, I don't have a support team--yet. I've been busy

supporting everyone one else, so all I have are these close family

members who are very needy and no one healthy enough to give me

support. That's something I need to work on. Hopefully I'll get some

good pointers from reading posts on this list.

Thanks for the input.

Lois

>

> Lois,

>

> Welcome to the group. It's a great place to get really good, specific

> support from other KO's of BP parents. WE UNDERSTAND!

>

> How very hard for you to have both a BP mom and a BP daughter! Hugs

> to you.

>

> Who do you have on your team to support you through this process? Do

> you have a therapist? A good friend? A spouse/partner? A masseuse?

> Count us in as part of your team.

>

> a

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lois, When my father was in the hospital, not yet out of the anesthesia

for open

heart surgery, we were all at home, and the hospital was to call my nada when my

father

woke up. My younger sister (who is bpd I think) got on the phone with her

boyfriend, and

would not get off the phone. She had a cell phone but insisted on using the

main line that

the hospital might call. My nada, having split my sister good, just refused to

ask my sister

to get off the phone or admit my sister was doing ANYTHING wrong. To me this is

such a

clear example of bpd behaviour. I am so glad you are not acting like my nada

did! I hope

you will not be swayed by any attempt of your daughter to treat you as the bad

guy for not

letting her talk on the phone--as if it is simply a teenager wanting to talk to

her boyfriend,

and you are the bad guy. You are not the bad guy!

All the best,

Charlie

> >

> > Lois,

> >

> > Its sounds like your mother causes a lot of distress and anxiety in

> > your life, it must feel like the end of the world if you don't hastily

> > keep her satisfied or at bay. Don't worry it's not end of the world.

> > We're here for you. Just keep reading and posting, it'll unravel as

> > you do. Welcome!

> >

> > Oh one more thing. I'm interested to know how your daughter was

> > " uncooperative, disrespectful, self-centered and down right nasty? "

> > Has she always been like this? Is she like this all the time?

> >

> > Best,

> >

> > -

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > Lois,

> >

> > Its sounds like your mother causes a lot of distress and anxiety

in

> > your life, it must feel like the end of the world if you don't

hastily

> > keep her satisfied or at bay. Don't worry it's not end of the

world.

> > We're here for you. Just keep reading and posting, it'll unravel

as

> > you do. Welcome!

> >

> > Oh one more thing. I'm interested to know how your daughter was

> > " uncooperative, disrespectful, self-centered and down right

nasty? "

> > Has she always been like this? Is she like this all the time?

> >

> > Best,

> >

> > -

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lois,

The back of " Stop Walking On Eggshells " has a section

on what to ask in looking for a good therapist. It is

really important to find one that understands how BPDs

work and the damage that they cause. I would/have

asked if they have ever worked with people with BPD or

survivors of a family member with BPD. If they say

no, I thank them for their time and move on. Most

therapist use a combination of therapies. The only

one that I met that practice only one modality was

psychanalysis, which tacks on an additional 10 years

of training after you get your ph.d. or m.d. or psy.d.

I wouldn't go that route myself. It takes too long

and there are other combine approaches that consider

the how the individual works through issues best.

Most therapists will have their favorite modality to

work within, one they feel most comfortable with, but

a good therapist will not do cookie cutter therapy and

say, " I only do behavior modification or whatever.

Most books stress cognitive behavior modification

(CBT) along with behavior mod and insight oriented

therapy. DBT is one that I have not studied, but from

the research it works very well with BPD. Since it is

fairly new and therapists have to be trained in it,

I'm not sure what your odds would be for getting a

therapist traIned in that modality or if it would

really help you the most.

So have they worked with a BPD?

If so, how did it go? how much time? have they

treated family memebers? if so, how? how long? what

mehtod was most effective? what is their preferred

method of therapy?

Get a feel for how they answer your questions and if

you feel like they are hearing you and you could talk

to them. The bottom line is trust.

Wish you all the best to your new life,

Greg.

--- ivorius007 wrote:

> Hi Greg,

>

> Thanks for the welcome and kind words of

> encouragement. I know I'm

> going to need a therapist but I'm not clear how to

> find a good one or

> what kind to look for. Should I try to find someone

> who does DBT and

> works with Borderline people? Would Cognitive

> Therapy help? What

> about therapists who stress healing the inner child?

> I'm clueless.

> I'd like to know what you (and others) have found

> most helpful.

>

> Thanks.

>

> Lois

>

>

> G wrote:

> >

> > Lois,

> >

> > Wow, I am sorry to hear about your Thanksgiving

> with

> > your daughter and mother's insanity ruining it for

> > you. Bottom line that is what it is: INSANITY.

> You

> > are absolutely right about " possibly seeing a

> > therapist " IMO. So many of us have and it is just

> a

> > necessity to get through the trauma to heal so

> that

> > you can set those boundaries b/c you know who you

> are

> > setting them for = Yourself.

> >

> > We are all here for you to write and vent and

> discuss

> > or just be. This is a very safe and wonderful

> place

> > of healing. Welcome.

> >

> > Greg.

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Cheap talk?

Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

http://voice.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Lois, self care is CRITICAL. My DH always says that you can't be a

life guard if you can't swim.

I suggest you do some searches on the term " extreme self care. "

Cheryl is a good writer on that.

In terms of a suport team, think of people that are going to help you

on a journey of self discover, health and care: Therapist, masseuse,

minister/rabbi/priest, life coach, acupuncturist, etc.

I say, it's time to show the BP's in your life that you are taking

yourself seriously and model how you want to be treated by treating

yourself the way you want to be treated.

a

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much Greg. This is very helpful. I started making inquiries

today into local therapists but had no idea what to asked them, so

your input is going to help me a lot. I'll get the book too.

Thanks.

Lois

>

> Hi Lois,

>

> The back of " Stop Walking On Eggshells " has a section

> on what to ask in looking for a good therapist. It is

> really important to find one that understands how BPDs

> work and the damage that they cause. I would/have

> asked if they have ever worked with people with BPD or

> survivors of a family member with BPD. If they say

> no, I thank them for their time and move on. Most

> therapist use a combination of therapies. The only

> one that I met that practice only one modality was

> psychanalysis, which tacks on an additional 10 years

> of training after you get your ph.d. or m.d. or psy.d.

> I wouldn't go that route myself. It takes too long

> and there are other combine approaches that consider

> the how the individual works through issues best.

> Most therapists will have their favorite modality to

> work within, one they feel most comfortable with, but

> a good therapist will not do cookie cutter therapy and

> say, " I only do behavior modification or whatever.

> Most books stress cognitive behavior modification

> (CBT) along with behavior mod and insight oriented

> therapy. DBT is one that I have not studied, but from

> the research it works very well with BPD. Since it is

> fairly new and therapists have to be trained in it,

> I'm not sure what your odds would be for getting a

> therapist traIned in that modality or if it would

> really help you the most.

>

> So have they worked with a BPD?

> If so, how did it go? how much time? have they

> treated family memebers? if so, how? how long? what

> mehtod was most effective? what is their preferred

> method of therapy?

>

> Get a feel for how they answer your questions and if

> you feel like they are hearing you and you could talk

> to them. The bottom line is trust.

>

> Wish you all the best to your new life,

>

> Greg.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlie,

Wow, your younger sister sounds just like my daughter. This

Thanksgiving visit was quite an eye-opener for me. It's been there

all along but I've been making excuses for her up to now. I'm not

going to do that anymore. I've had it. Up to now I've been the one

to work hard at having a loving relationship with her. NO more. If

she wants that, she's going to have to do the work. I " m finished.

It's just not worth it to me to put that much emotional energy into a

thankless task. Sorry to sound so bitter, but that's where I am right

now which is really very rare for me, the perpetual Pollyanna!

Thanks for the support.

Best,

Lois

>

> Dear Lois, When my father was in the hospital, not yet out of the

anesthesia for open

> heart surgery, we were all at home, and the hospital was to call my

nada when my father

> woke up. My younger sister (who is bpd I think) got on the phone

with her boyfriend, and

> would not get off the phone. She had a cell phone but insisted on

using the main line that

> the hospital might call. My nada, having split my sister good, just

refused to ask my sister

> to get off the phone or admit my sister was doing ANYTHING wrong.

To me this is such a

> clear example of bpd behaviour. I am so glad you are not acting

like my nada did! I hope

> you will not be swayed by any attempt of your daughter to treat you

as the bad guy for not

> letting her talk on the phone--as if it is simply a teenager wanting

to talk to her boyfriend,

> and you are the bad guy. You are not the bad guy!

>

> All the best,

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

a you are so right on with this. I really need to focus on

building my support team and work on making my life a whole lot

healthier in all respects. Thanks so much for emphasizing this. I am

definitely going to take it to heart. No more doormat mentality!

Thanks.

Lois

>

> Lois, self care is CRITICAL. My DH always says that you can't be a

> life guard if you can't swim.

>

> I suggest you do some searches on the term " extreme self care. "

> Cheryl is a good writer on that.

>

> In terms of a suport team, think of people that are going to help you

> on a journey of self discover, health and care: Therapist, masseuse,

> minister/rabbi/priest, life coach, acupuncturist, etc.

>

> I say, it's time to show the BP's in your life that you are taking

> yourself seriously and model how you want to be treated by treating

> yourself the way you want to be treated.

>

> a

>