;)

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I am so glad that i did not just write that for myself...you never know when

you send things into the abyss...

wow...i never thought that i was good at reading her passive agressive

language...but myabe this is a strength i can focus on...thanks for pointing it

out...as greg does...what a compliment...wow...(maybe because i am a psyc person

too...) i have been spending alot alot alot of time processing nada lately so

maybe it is working...good...

I have read understanding the borderline mother...just this past summer in

fact...it was so scary...and tiring to read...so take it slowly...i felt this

push to keep reading even when i was tired because it was just one revelation

after another....but try to pace yourself better than i did...i should probably

read it again because i am sure i missed alot this first time...i have been

wanting to buy it but it is so expencive...even used...argh...maybe nada will

try to buy me with cold hard cash this christmas and i can buy it with her

money..oh the irony...

i am just reading surviving the borderline parent...i am not finding it as

revelation enducing...but i am just in about 25 pages...so i will give it a

chance...lots of stuff in there from UBM book...

I wrote the list because i just had a really normal...well sorta more normal

than usual conversation with mom...and started thinking that i was a terrible

person for thinking she was borderline....does this happen to you..one ok

conversation and every other crazy experience is out the window...

anyway...i am glad to know someone with a similar list..although really sad to

know you have a similar list to mine...we are KO samies...

thanks for your response ...take good care of yourself....Laurel EcMc

wrote:

Laurel,

I felt every word of your poem. I agree that we loose our autonomy as

they do to us what they're perfect at (precision chaos). Your five

are very close to my own top 5, I'm just learning to read their

passive aggressive language, it seems like you do this very well, as

Greg does. Have you read " understanding the borderline mother " . Thats

my next read, I'm not finished with " surviving the borderline parent " .

>

> Hi All,

>

> the top 5 worst nadaisms is such a good idea because it is often

so hard to pin BPD down so that it is clear in my head...and not just

me being crazy as i thought for so long...i have included my top 5

below but first i have a question...or two...it is never just as

simple as one question...

>

> 1) Do any of you have phobias of Drs/Dentists/hairdressers...it

seems i an terrified of anyone who will be touching me...i have really

got no idea why...i feel it is linked to control/power but i am not

sure how...

>

> 2) Has anyone else though about how sexuality is connected to

having a parent with BPD...i know that my mother was trying to make me

into her little clone/slave...and so my destiny was to be a

hetero/married/frigid/wifely duty/looking for attention from men

outside of my marriage kind of woman...but this is not me at

all...comments??

>

> Ok so now for the top 5...

>

> 1) Demands time/attention/performance

>

> - my mother would sepnd every waking minute with me if she

could..probably ever sleeping moment too...when i am at home (for

christmas for example i will be there for two weeks...) i am there to

se HER...not my brother or my father..or my friends...definatly not my

friends...that is out of the question...so i to cope...i make plans

and then do not not not tell her about them until i am putting on my

shoes to leave..because if she has any time to know when i am going

she will either sabotage it..find some reason i can not go (she needs

the car, she needed a ride into town anyway so she joins me...etc)

>

> - in every moment my mother is the centre of attention..even if

she is in another room...because she adds to the conversation by

yelling from room to room...every time my father speaks she inturrupts

him...every time... " you know you look really stupid with jam on your

face " ... " you know you look really stupid with your fly down " ..i think

this is why birthdays are scary...if i am the centre of attention the

world must have fallen off of its axis...at my wedding she was so

concerned about getting from the ceremony to the hall to trun on the

coffee pot for guests that may arrive 2 hours early for the reception

that her anxiety was the focus of the ceremony...and i have no wedding

pictures with her in them because she was gone doing the coffee...

>

> - every thing my mother says has a perscribed response that i know

i am supposed to give her...most likely it is " poor you " , " life is too

hard for you " , " i should do______ for you " , " I need you because you

are the only person in my life that means anything to me " , " fuck

them...you are right " ....so now i can not stomach giving her those

responses any more...so i sit in conversations with her totally

blank..no expression...no intonation in my voice...no

feelings...silent outside and raging inside...nothing shows...

>

> 2) Painting my father/ other people who i am close to black

>

> - my father is the cause of all things evil in my/her/our

lives...true he was abusive while us kids were growing

up...unexcusable...but he is not pure evil...but everything out of her

mouth about my father is just horrible...

>

> - i have a very close friend...she loves him but hates him when i

am spending time with him...so she subtly tries to make him look

bad...a really good example of how fast she turns is...she has this

friend who has a daughter my age...so mom sets me and her up to go for

coffee...truns out she is really nice..i start seeing her weekly for

coffee...it only takes about 3 months before mom starts finding out

negative things about my new friend from various sources...and last

time i talked to mom about her she said " S. is very unstable and i

dont feel good around her and i dont know if she is good for

you " ...and this is a friend she set me up with...she has done this

countless times (with my aunt, my husband, my boss and her family)

>

> 3) Flights into chaos/conflict creation/catastrophizing

>

> - i get nervous when life is going well...because this is when

anything could happen...

>

> - one summer my brother came to stay with me to get a break from

mom...she called 2 family meetings that were just horrible...dragging

up all the crap from the past (that my father was responsible for..of

course) cutting open old wounds ...once she acutally showed up at my

house..told me to get into her car...(isnt this kidnapping???) and we

went to this park where she told me that she was taking my brother

back to live with her because this was " just getting out of hand "

....nothing was wrong..she was just stirring the pot..

>

> I wrote a few short sentances about this once...

>

> Unwelcome flight

>

> if there is a breath of calm

> there you are pushing it out

> inserting your latest crisis

> refocusing attention, reinfecting

> like cutting an old scar

> until it bleeds out thick familiar blood

> you re-hash, re-tell, re-think and then rewind again

> round and round

>

> as we ascend

> i feel my body reacting to the spiriling ride

> my mind not sure of what is happening yet

>

> soon there will be the awkward pause

> where i am to agree with you

> and here is where i lose myself

>

> i just want to be back on the ground

> away from this place

> back to gentleness, reasonability and silence

>

> 4) Privacy is non-existant

>

> - never mind private conversations...nevermind phone calls...not

even when you pee do you have privacy around her...not even in the

shower...never...

>

> 5) Manipulation/ guilt

>

> - if i try and protect myself against her antics she pulls out the

guilt card in hopes of getting me to fall into line again...like i

have done for so many years...

> " well you know it has been a lonely year for me since your

grandparents died " translation: you are a big heartless jerk for

staying with you husband in a city 9 hours from here when you know i

am in pain... " it sure would be nice if you could.... " translation:

since you never really do anything caring or thoughtful for me you

should at least be able to fulfill this one request....GIVE ME YOUR

SOUL...arhem...or does it just feel like that is what she is asking for??

>

> this category could go on for years...so i will end it

there...thanks so much for reading my therapy...i hope that you can

find something useful from what i have written..and just writing it

has helped me so thanks to the person who dreamed up this idea...i am

going to book a therapy appointment right now for when i am home at

christmas...

>

> take good care of yourself...laurel ecmc

>

>

>

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