Re: Can anybody read a letter for me?

November 18, 2006

Hi LL,

Wow, your mother is really dumping a whole lot of stuff on you. I hope

writing this letter has helped you difuse some of the frustration you

are dealing with. I do not think this will be a good letter to send to

your mother, though, and let me explain why. She is a very emotionally

immature person. One of the main components of BPD is emotional

disregulation. They cannot handle their emotions. She just is not

mature enough to understand and respond as an adult to what you wrote.

She will take all of it as a personal attack on her. Do you have the

book, Stop Walking on Eggshells? It has a section on how to communicate

to a person with BPD. It might help you compose your message. What may

be helpful to you is to establish some boundaries around what you and

your mother talk about. I know you really want to get her to understand

your viewpoint, and to defend yourself against her false statements -

but she will probably not be able to do that.

Here are a few suggestions I can offer. Keep your communication brief.

Don't even try to explain the 'why' of anything. Focus on your feelings

and how you are going to change your behavior. Tell her what upsets you

and what you are going to do about it. It doesn't seem to work to ask

someone with BPD to change their behavior. They become very defensive,

and they are unable to accept what is being told to them. Give her 'I'

messages. Example - When you talk to me about and , I feel

very uncomfortable. (or I get very upset). I have tried to be

understanding and offer suggestions, but they have not been helpful to

you. It is best for me to stay out of this totally, and let you work it

out with and . Therefore, I have decided that I am not

going to discuss this with you anymore. I am sure you will be able to

work this out with them, and you will respect my wishes to not talk

about it.

Now - she is not going to take to something like this very well either.

You should be prepared for her to try to argue you out of it, and plan

what you will do. I would give her a reminder, and if she still wanted

to argue, I would say, something to the effect of 'Let's find something

to talk about (even offer a topic), or I will have to hang up, because I

just am not going to discuss this any more.

Another approach could be to focus on your need to have time away. You

could again state that you are very upset over the recent events, and

you think both of you need to have some time to deal with it. Because

of this, you will not be seeing them over the holidays.

These are just two examples. There were so many different issues that

you covered in your letter. You may feel that another issue is more

important. But try to keep your communication short, and focus on what

you need and what you are going to do. The only way you can get her to

change her behavior is to change your response. And even then, we are

often only mildly successful. You will be setting boundaries with her,

and she will have to learn that there are consequences when she

oversteps those boundaries.

Keep your focus on what you need, and what has to happen to get what you

need. Please keep us posted.

Sylvia

>

> Hi,

>

> I know I haven't stuck my head in here for a while, so I understand

> if no one in here has the time or inclination to read this. There

> are a pile of posts in here!

>

> But things are rapidly reaching critical mass with my mother, and I

> have to do something. Is the following potentially an effective

> letter to write to a borderline? Thanks.

>

> " Dear Mother,

>

> I would like you to know that I have the last envelope you sent me

> sitting in the living room, unopened. After opening the one before

> that, I really didn't think I could stomach hearing another word from

> you for quite a while.

>

> I want you to know that, while I love you and care about your welfare

> no matter what you choose to do, when what you choose to do is

> totally out of order, you sure don't make it easy.

>

> The following is your version of what happened the last time we spoke

> on the phone, at least as near as I can figure:

>

> and are living at your house, and you are upset because

> they aren't paying rent, aren't taking care of the cats, and keep the

> place messy and won't clean. That's problem one. Problem two is

> that you feel isn't friendly you feel you're getting the cold

> shoulder from them in a number of ways. You tell me about all this,

> and I tell you you are imagining everything and none of it is true.

>

> Result: You stay upset all night, tell this to Maude and Claude, and

> write me a letter about how messy the house was, that everyone else

> who saw it said so, and that Maude and Claude are mad at me because

> you are upset.

>

> Fair enough. What follows is the same sequence of events, from my

> point of view:

>

> I call up before Halloween to see how everyone is doing. Once again,

> you start complaining and badmouthing and . Not wanting

> to say anything that will make it worse, and manfully trying to say

> something that actually might help make it better, I speak on two

> main themes. These are:

>

> On problem one, it IS IN FACT my opinion that they could have kept

> the place cleaner. I say many times, " No one's arguing that. " Do

> you remember that?? I, in point of fact, STRESSED THAT FOUR TIMES ON

> THE PHONE THAT NIGHT.

>

> Problem two: Equally important, the house is not the only issue.

> Having heard a much different story from on some of the other

> issues than I heard from you, I try to put forward the idea that some

> of the problems are just misunderstandings and need to be talked out.

>

> Result: You SOUND like you understand what I am saying. You SAY

> you aren't telling me these things to get something out of me you can

> go back and repeat to them -- which I know is a lie, because you

> already are repeating things I said. forwarded me the email.

> And then you change the subject yourself. I think that maybe some of

> the problems are being defused and maybe things could actually end up

> better off, finally.

>

> Until ...

>

> End result: A letter arrives arguing on and on that the house was

> messy. Why is this, when I TOLD YOU FOUR TIMES that I did, indeed,

> think the house was messy and that they should have cleaned??? I

> said it four times: " NO ONE'S ARGUING THAT. " I counted them. Bob

> was here and heard me.

>

> One more time, let's get this straight:

>

> ON THE PHONE, I AGREED WITH YOU.

>

> The only other thing I said -- the ONLY thing -- was that there were

> unrelated misunderstandings that need to be talked out.

>

> It should be noted that what I told you on the phone that night was

> nothing but a rerun of what I said on the very same subject at

> Olivia's when you, me, Grandma, and Bob all went to dinner. I said

> exactly the same thing with Maude and Bob both sitting there, and

> nobody thought it was bad. Nobody said a word, and it interests me

> very much that, when people were present who could verify what was

> said, there was no staying up all night or inability to sleep. No

> crying, no hysterics, no ugly guilt-mail. Why is it that when I say

> the exact same thing over the phone with no one there as witness (I

> do have Bob, who heard every word over here), suddenly it's twisted

> such that you have to argue for three pages that the house was indeed

> messy, and you're up crying all night, can't sleep, and people who

> heard the exact same speech in person and didn't say anything are

> suddenly mad at me?

>

> And you say Bruce twists things!

>

> One more time, let's review:

>

> 1.) You drag me in on an argument with someone else I don't even

> want to know about, much less be involved in;

>

> 2.) You act like what I have said is fine with you when it isn't,

> and you are too chicken to say so;

>

> 3.) You cry like a baby all night and badmouth me to my

> grandparents, who weren't listening on the line and have no way to

> verify what was actually said;

>

> 4.) You write me an ugly letter to try to make me feel guilty;

>

> 5.) And THEN -- you write wondering what horrible thing you

> did that I treated you like a dog and didn't call you for your

> birthday!!!

>

> I would say this made me speechless, but fortunately for me, I'm

> not. Here are the facts:

>

> THE FACT IS, I sent you a birthday card and a watch for your birthday.

>

> THE FACT IS, this is about the 10,000th time something like this has

> happened, and I was just too angry to speak to you. Bob told me

> several times to call, but I was just too angry to even hear your

> voice after you did this terrible and completely untrue thing.

>

> The fact is that the past three years have been a real trial with

> you. 85% of any communication with you is spent dealing with your

> complaints about who did what to you when. You've flipped out and

> cut all your hair off over one sarcastic email and gotten back at

> by disclosing his personal financial information to a complete

> stranger over the internet. These are not the only, but by far the

> most egregious, examples of problematic behavior on your part over

> the past three years.

>

> Mother, no one does things like this. You're like no one else I

> know. I don't understand how anyone can look at behavior like this

> and think that the person in question doesn't have a mental or

> emotional problem of some significance.

>

> You need to know that this problem is becoming very, very serious.

> You need to know that I have been at my wit's end as to what to do

> for a very long time. You need to know that this last episode with

> the phone call and the letter has just about pushed me to the brink.

>

> I've been considering completely ending my relationship with you for

> quite some time. You need to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, with

> 10 being cutting you completely out of my life and severing my

> relationship with you permanently, I am about at a 9.5.

>

> I've been telling you and telling you and telling you and telling you

> that there is a serious problem for a long time now. I have

> suggested ... advised ... asked ... BEGGED you to seek professional

> help. I have offered to help find you a support group or someone

> qualified to see. You never want to hear it.

>

> Now I have to tell you that if I see something like this again, I'm

> going to be at a 10.

>

> Normal people, when they have problems getting along with someone,

> have appropriate ways to handle them. Saying up front that you don't

> like or agree with what someone else has said: Appropriate.

> Pretending it's OK on the phone and then TOTALLY misrepresenting it

> to someone else, bawling your head off all night over something that

> simply was not said: Inappropriate. Saying up front to someone, " I

> won't loan you any more money. You take advantage and don't pay

> back, " and then not loaning the money: Appropriate. Complaining,

> giving it to them anyway, and then ruining their relationship with

> their girlfriend, disclosing a bankruptcy to a total stranger over

> the internet, especially when you know that person is trying to start

> a career in law enforcement: Inappropriate.

>

> If you can't think of appropriate ways to handle problems with other

> people on your own, or you're too uncomfortable to actually perform

> them, that's what therapy is for. Go there and learn.

>

> DO NOT do anything like this to me again, or you will no longer have

> me in your life to do this to. I'm not kidding. Your behavior over

> the past three years has been wayyy over the top. I am at my limit.

> No more.

>

> At this point, I think a cooling off period is in order. I don't

> want any contact with you at all until after the holidays. I won't

> have any constant complaining, any tragic facial expressions, any

> furtive attacks through third parties, or any hysterical crying, face-

> slapping, hair-cutting, or other sympathy behaviors ruining my

> Thanksgiving, my Christmas, my New Year, or my wedding.

>

> Do not write me another guilting letter full of accusations and what

> a poor victim you are. Millions of adults abused as children are

> capable of work outside the home, independent living, and at least

> some relationships that are mostly free of the type of episodes I've

> just described -- even the incest victims.

>

> I believe you are capable of doing much better. If I'm wrong and

> you're not, then you are seriously mentally ill and really do need

> extensive help. If I'm right and you are, then you're being lazy,

> cowardly, and selfish. It needs to stop now.

>

> In reviewing this past incident, I am satisfied with what I chose to

> do. If either of us is dissatisfied with what you chose to do, my

> job is to get together and help you to figure out a better way. I

> think that therapy would probably be the best way.

>

> When you feel calm, after January 1st write me back. I'd like to

> talk to you about what happened and see if we can keep it from

> happening again, but if you don't want to talk about it any more,

> that's OK. I'll settle for you just calming down and getting some

> professional help.

>

> What will not be OK is another letter like the one I just got. If I

> open the envelope and I see that again, that's a level 10, and my

> only contact with you from then on, ever, will have to be inside a

> therapist's office. I care about you, but one more episode like this

> will push me past 10, and that's the honest truth. I simply cannot

> take having someone in my life who acts like this, ever, any more.

>

> Please take care of yourself. There are much more satisfying ways to

> get along with other people. Life doesn't have to be like this.

>

> With much love, hope, and best wishes for your future,

>

> Your daughter, "

>

> I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

>

> --LL.

>

November 18, 2006

> I do not think this will be a good letter to send to

> your mother, though, and let me explain why. She is a very

emotionally immature person.>>>

*******Hi LL, I agree with Sylvia. As I thought about how my mother

would react to a letter like yours, I knew I could never reach her

that way. It helped me when I read in SWOE that BP's don't really

lie. They just make the facts fit their emotions during any incident.

All they remember is their emotional response, their hurt feelings,

their anger. After that their reality is what they make it. All the

details you give will never be believed or accepted by her.

Unfortunately, BPD prevents the person with the disorder from being

able to reason, think with any clarity or accept that they ever did

anything that wasn't perfect.

Your statements telling her that she is mentally ill will only evoke

emotional feelings way out of control and out of proportion to what a

normal person feels. Then she will begin to weave her own reality and

all the blame will fall onto you and she will be more entrenched in

her role as a victim. You just can't reason with them. And you can

argue or try to pursuade until the cows come home, and you might as

well be talking to a brick wall. Save yourself all the drama and

repurcussions. Just state what your limits are and what you will and

won't do. Then stick to your guns. This problem really isn't yours,

it is your mother's and the family living with her. Just refuse to be

a part of it any more.

I can feel how very much you are at a 9.9 on your scale, how

disgusted, angry, threatened and fed up you feel. I empathize with

you on that. I've been there myself. You just have to realize that

you are dealing with a person who matured physically, and even

mentally, but emotionally is about 2 or 3 years old.

Getting it all down on paper can be very cathartic, but remember to

keep it simple, and stick to your own resolve. Dee

November 18, 2006

LL,

I can see that you definitely put a great deal of

thought and effort into your letter to your mother.

Have you read any books that describe exactly how

people with BPD perceive the world? If not, a good

one to start is SWOES and a tougher one is

Understanding the Boarderline Mother. Both books

describe how different a BPD experiences the world

from us. Keeping that in mind, realize that your

letter is trying address some issues and boundaries

and a smear campaign against you, etc., (all very

nasty things BPDs do) that she just won't get. Even

worse, I fear from experience that the more info you

give a BPD, the more gasoline is being poored on the

fire. Since you have already identified the issues

with her on other occassions, I would simply write a

letter telling her that I need some time and space in

our relationship. Don't call or write or stop by; no

communication in any form what so ever until after

January 5th, 2007.

Love,

LL.

Keep us posted as you continue or refine your letter,

Greg.

--- sereine_2000 wrote:

> Hi,

>

> I know I haven't stuck my head in here for a while,

> so I understand

> if no one in here has the time or inclination to

> read this. There

> are a pile of posts in here!

>

> But things are rapidly reaching critical mass with

> my mother, and I

> have to do something. Is the following potentially

> an effective

> letter to write to a borderline? Thanks.

>

> " Dear Mother,

>

> I would like you to know that I have the last

> envelope you sent me

> sitting in the living room, unopened. After opening

> the one before

> that, I really didn't think I could stomach hearing

> another word from

> you for quite a while.

>

> I want you to know that, while I love you and care

> about your welfare

> no matter what you choose to do, when what you

> choose to do is

> totally out of order, you sure don't make it easy.

>

> The following is your version of what happened the

> last time we spoke

> on the phone, at least as near as I can figure:

>

> and are living at your house, and you

> are upset because

> they aren't paying rent, aren't taking care of the

> cats, and keep the

> place messy and won't clean. That's problem one.

> Problem two is

> that you feel isn't friendly you feel you're

> getting the cold

> shoulder from them in a number of ways. You tell me

> about all this,

> and I tell you you are imagining everything and none

> of it is true.

>

> Result: You stay upset all night, tell this to

> Maude and Claude, and

> write me a letter about how messy the house was,

> that everyone else

> who saw it said so, and that Maude and Claude are

> mad at me because

> you are upset.

>

> Fair enough. What follows is the same sequence of

> events, from my

> point of view:

>

> I call up before Halloween to see how everyone is

> doing. Once again,

> you start complaining and badmouthing and

> . Not wanting

> to say anything that will make it worse, and

> manfully trying to say

> something that actually might help make it better, I

> speak on two

> main themes. These are:

>

> On problem one, it IS IN FACT my opinion that they

> could have kept

> the place cleaner. I say many times, " No one's

> arguing that. " Do

> you remember that?? I, in point of fact, STRESSED

> THAT FOUR TIMES ON

> THE PHONE THAT NIGHT.

>

> Problem two: Equally important, the house is not

> the only issue.

> Having heard a much different story from on

> some of the other

> issues than I heard from you, I try to put forward

> the idea that some

> of the problems are just misunderstandings and need

> to be talked out.

>

> Result: You SOUND like you understand what I am

> saying. You SAY

> you aren't telling me these things to get something

> out of me you can

> go back and repeat to them -- which I know is a lie,

> because you

> already are repeating things I said.

> forwarded me the email.

> And then you change the subject yourself. I think

> that maybe some of

> the problems are being defused and maybe things

> could actually end up

> better off, finally.

>

> Until ...

>

> End result: A letter arrives arguing on and on that

> the house was

> messy. Why is this, when I TOLD YOU FOUR TIMES that

> I did, indeed,

> think the house was messy and that they should have

> cleaned??? I

> said it four times: " NO ONE'S ARGUING THAT. " I

> counted them. Bob

> was here and heard me.

>

> One more time, let's get this straight:

>

> ON THE PHONE, I AGREED WITH YOU.

>

> The only other thing I said -- the ONLY thing -- was

> that there were

> unrelated misunderstandings that need to be talked

> out.

>

> It should be noted that what I told you on the phone

> that night was

> nothing but a rerun of what I said on the very same

> subject at

> Olivia's when you, me, Grandma, and Bob all went to

> dinner. I said

> exactly the same thing with Maude and Bob both

> sitting there, and

> nobody thought it was bad. Nobody said a word, and

> it interests me

> very much that, when people were present who could

> verify what was

> said, there was no staying up all night or inability

> to sleep. No

> crying, no hysterics, no ugly guilt-mail. Why is it

> that when I say

> the exact same thing over the phone with no one

> there as witness (I

> do have Bob, who heard every word over here),

> suddenly it's twisted

> such that you have to argue for three pages that the

> house was indeed

> messy, and you're up crying all night, can't sleep,

> and people who

> heard the exact same speech in person and didn't say

> anything are

> suddenly mad at me?

>

> And you say Bruce twists things!

>

> One more time, let's review:

>

> 1.) You drag me in on an argument with someone else

> I don't even

> want to know about, much less be involved in;

>

> 2.) You act like what I have said is fine with you

> when it isn't,

> and you are too chicken to say so;

>

> 3.) You cry like a baby all night and badmouth me

> to my

> grandparents, who weren't listening on the line and

> have no way to

> verify what was actually said;

>

> 4.) You write me an ugly letter to try to make me

> feel guilty;

>

> 5.) And THEN -- you write wondering what

> horrible thing you

> did that I treated you like a dog and didn't call

> you for your

> birthday!!!

>

> I would say this made me speechless, but fortunately

> for me, I'm

> not. Here are the facts:

>

> THE FACT IS, I sent you a birthday card and a watch

> for your birthday.

>

> THE FACT IS, this is about the 10,000th time

> something like this has

> happened, and I was just too angry to speak to you.

> Bob told me

> several times to call, but I was just too angry to

> even hear your

> voice after you did this terrible and completely

> untrue thing.

>

> The fact is that the past three years have been a

> real trial with

> you. 85% of any communication with you is spent

> dealing with your

> complaints about who did what to you when. You've

> flipped out and

> cut all your hair off over one sarcastic email and

> gotten back at

> by disclosing his personal financial

> information

=== message truncated ===

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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November 18, 2006

Hi, LL. WOW. Your letter made perfect sense to me, but I agree with the other

posters

that your nada will never understand your letter the way we understand it. I

wish I could

get my nada to understand all the things in that letter, too, because the

general themse

apply. I could just take out certain parts and seriously it would apply. I am

sad to say I

have pretty much given up that she will ever understand that her actions are

inappropriate.

It may also be so for your nada.

It is SO FRUSTRATING, I know, because the way you describe things makes it very

clear

where she acted inappropriately, however she will never be able to see it that

way. She will

just get all angry and freak out and act inappropriately in some other way.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this kind of ridiculous behavior. I'm sorry that

it is getting

you upset, because I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. You just want to

shake them

and scream " what is your problem? WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS? CAN'T YOU SEE

THAT YOU NEED HELP AND THAT WHEN YOU ACT LIKE THIS IT HURTS ME SO BADLY? "

I have tried that tactic, too, and still, my nada says she didn't EVER do

anything wrong.

Seriously, she said EVER. Now who can say that? Even you and I can't truly say

that. That

was when I knew she was truly delusional, and that was in 2000...and I just

found out

about BPD a month ago.

My advice? Do what you say in your letter and stay away from her and don't talk

to her.

Don't allow her to treat you like this or suck you into the drama. But don't

hold your

breath that she will get help or admit she has a problem. And I wouldn't expect

a good

response from a letter like that. You are bound to get rage from her.

I hope things can get better for you, whether you send that letter, a different

version,or

none at all. Good luck and stay safe. And remember, she can only mistreat you

if you let

her. You aren't a kid anymore, you don't have to take her crap.

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I know I haven't stuck my head in here for a while, so I understand

> > if no one in here has the time or inclination to read this. There

> > are a pile of posts in here!

> >

> > But things are rapidly reaching critical mass with my mother, and I

> > have to do something. Is the following potentially an effective

> > letter to write to a borderline? Thanks.

> >

> > " Dear Mother,

> >

> > I would like you to know that I have the last envelope you sent me

> > sitting in the living room, unopened. After opening the one before

> > that, I really didn't think I could stomach hearing another word from

> > you for quite a while.

> >

> > I want you to know that, while I love you and care about your welfare

> > no matter what you choose to do, when what you choose to do is

> > totally out of order, you sure don't make it easy.

> >

> > The following is your version of what happened the last time we spoke

> > on the phone, at least as near as I can figure:

> >

> > and are living at your house, and you are upset because

> > they aren't paying rent, aren't taking care of the cats, and keep the

> > place messy and won't clean. That's problem one. Problem two is

> > that you feel isn't friendly you feel you're getting the cold

> > shoulder from them in a number of ways. You tell me about all this,

> > and I tell you you are imagining everything and none of it is true.

> >

> > Result: You stay upset all night, tell this to Maude and Claude, and

> > write me a letter about how messy the house was, that everyone else

> > who saw it said so, and that Maude and Claude are mad at me because

> > you are upset.

> >

> > Fair enough. What follows is the same sequence of events, from my

> > point of view:

> >

> > I call up before Halloween to see how everyone is doing. Once again,

> > you start complaining and badmouthing and . Not wanting

> > to say anything that will make it worse, and manfully trying to say

> > something that actually might help make it better, I speak on two

> > main themes. These are:

> >

> > On problem one, it IS IN FACT my opinion that they could have kept

> > the place cleaner. I say many times, " No one's arguing that. " Do

> > you remember that?? I, in point of fact, STRESSED THAT FOUR TIMES ON

> > THE PHONE THAT NIGHT.

> >

> > Problem two: Equally important, the house is not the only issue.

> > Having heard a much different story from on some of the other

> > issues than I heard from you, I try to put forward the idea that some

> > of the problems are just misunderstandings and need to be talked out.

> >

> > Result: You SOUND like you understand what I am saying. You SAY

> > you aren't telling me these things to get something out of me you can

> > go back and repeat to them -- which I know is a lie, because you

> > already are repeating things I said. forwarded me the email.

> > And then you change the subject yourself. I think that maybe some of

> > the problems are being defused and maybe things could actually end up

> > better off, finally.

> >

> > Until ...

> >

> > End result: A letter arrives arguing on and on that the house was

> > messy. Why is this, when I TOLD YOU FOUR TIMES that I did, indeed,

> > think the house was messy and that they should have cleaned??? I

> > said it four times: " NO ONE'S ARGUING THAT. " I counted them. Bob

> > was here and heard me.

> >

> > One more time, let's get this straight:

> >

> > ON THE PHONE, I AGREED WITH YOU.

> >

> > The only other thing I said -- the ONLY thing -- was that there were

> > unrelated misunderstandings that need to be talked out.

> >

> > It should be noted that what I told you on the phone that night was

> > nothing but a rerun of what I said on the very same subject at

> > Olivia's when you, me, Grandma, and Bob all went to dinner. I said

> > exactly the same thing with Maude and Bob both sitting there, and

> > nobody thought it was bad. Nobody said a word, and it interests me

> > very much that, when people were present who could verify what was

> > said, there was no staying up all night or inability to sleep. No

> > crying, no hysterics, no ugly guilt-mail. Why is it that when I say

> > the exact same thing over the phone with no one there as witness (I

> > do have Bob, who heard every word over here), suddenly it's twisted

> > such that you have to argue for three pages that the house was indeed

> > messy, and you're up crying all night, can't sleep, and people who

> > heard the exact same speech in person and didn't say anything are

> > suddenly mad at me?

> >

> > And you say Bruce twists things!

> >

> > One more time, let's review:

> >

> > 1.) You drag me in on an argument with someone else I don't even

> > want to know about, much less be involved in;

> >

> > 2.) You act like what I have said is fine with you when it isn't,

> > and you are too chicken to say so;

> >

> > 3.) You cry like a baby all night and badmouth me to my

> > grandparents, who weren't listening on the line and have no way to

> > verify what was actually said;

> >

> > 4.) You write me an ugly letter to try to make me feel guilty;

> >

> > 5.) And THEN -- you write wondering what horrible thing you

> > did that I treated you like a dog and didn't call you for your

> > birthday!!!

> >

> > I would say this made me speechless, but fortunately for me, I'm

> > not. Here are the facts:

> >

> > THE FACT IS, I sent you a birthday card and a watch for your birthday.

> >

> > THE FACT IS, this is about the 10,000th time something like this has

> > happened, and I was just too angry to speak to you. Bob told me

> > several times to call, but I was just too angry to even hear your

> > voice after you did this terrible and completely untrue thing.

> >

> > The fact is that the past three years have been a real trial with

> > you. 85% of any communication with you is spent dealing with your

> > complaints about who did what to you when. You've flipped out and

> > cut all your hair off over one sarcastic email and gotten back at

> > by disclosing his personal financial information to a complete

> > stranger over the internet. These are not the only, but by far the

> > most egregious, examples of problematic behavior on your part over

> > the past three years.

> >

> > Mother, no one does things like this. You're like no one else I

> > know. I don't understand how anyone can look at behavior like this

> > and think that the person in question doesn't have a mental or

> > emotional problem of some significance.

> >

> > You need to know that this problem is becoming very, very serious.

> > You need to know that I have been at my wit's end as to what to do

> > for a very long time. You need to know that this last episode with

> > the phone call and the letter has just about pushed me to the brink.

> >

> > I've been considering completely ending my relationship with you for

> > quite some time. You need to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, with

> > 10 being cutting you completely out of my life and severing my

> > relationship with you permanently, I am about at a 9.5.

> >

> > I've been telling you and telling you and telling you and telling you

> > that there is a serious problem for a long time now. I have

> > suggested ... advised ... asked ... BEGGED you to seek professional

> > help. I have offered to help find you a support group or someone

> > qualified to see. You never want to hear it.

> >

> > Now I have to tell you that if I see something like this again, I'm

> > going to be at a 10.

> >

> > Normal people, when they have problems getting along with someone,

> > have appropriate ways to handle them. Saying up front that you don't

> > like or agree with what someone else has said: Appropriate.

> > Pretending it's OK on the phone and then TOTALLY misrepresenting it

> > to someone else, bawling your head off all night over something that

> > simply was not said: Inappropriate. Saying up front to someone, " I

> > won't loan you any more money. You take advantage and don't pay

> > back, " and then not loaning the money: Appropriate. Complaining,

> > giving it to them anyway, and then ruining their relationship with

> > their girlfriend, disclosing a bankruptcy to a total stranger over

> > the internet, especially when you know that person is trying to start

> > a career in law enforcement: Inappropriate.

> >

> > If you can't think of appropriate ways to handle problems with other

> > people on your own, or you're too uncomfortable to actually perform

> > them, that's what therapy is for. Go there and learn.

> >

> > DO NOT do anything like this to me again, or you will no longer have

> > me in your life to do this to. I'm not kidding. Your behavior over

> > the past three years has been wayyy over the top. I am at my limit.

> > No more.

> >

> > At this point, I think a cooling off period is in order. I don't

> > want any contact with you at all until after the holidays. I won't

> > have any constant complaining, any tragic facial expressions, any

> > furtive attacks through third parties, or any hysterical crying, face-

> > slapping, hair-cutting, or other sympathy behaviors ruining my

> > Thanksgiving, my Christmas, my New Year, or my wedding.

> >

> > Do not write me another guilting letter full of accusations and what

> > a poor victim you are. Millions of adults abused as children are

> > capable of work outside the home, independent living, and at least

> > some relationships that are mostly free of the type of episodes I've

> > just described -- even the incest victims.

> >

> > I believe you are capable of doing much better. If I'm wrong and

> > you're not, then you are seriously mentally ill and really do need

> > extensive help. If I'm right and you are, then you're being lazy,

> > cowardly, and selfish. It needs to stop now.

> >

> > In reviewing this past incident, I am satisfied with what I chose to

> > do. If either of us is dissatisfied with what you chose to do, my

> > job is to get together and help you to figure out a better way. I

> > think that therapy would probably be the best way.

> >

> > When you feel calm, after January 1st write me back. I'd like to

> > talk to you about what happened and see if we can keep it from

> > happening again, but if you don't want to talk about it any more,

> > that's OK. I'll settle for you just calming down and getting some

> > professional help.

> >

> > What will not be OK is another letter like the one I just got. If I

> > open the envelope and I see that again, that's a level 10, and my

> > only contact with you from then on, ever, will have to be inside a

> > therapist's office. I care about you, but one more episode like this

> > will push me past 10, and that's the honest truth. I simply cannot

> > take having someone in my life who acts like this, ever, any more.

> >

> > Please take care of yourself. There are much more satisfying ways to

> > get along with other people. Life doesn't have to be like this.

> >

> > With much love, hope, and best wishes for your future,

> >

> > Your daughter, "

> >

> > I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

> >

> > --LL.

> >

>

November 19, 2006

LL,

I started working on my own letter a month ago. After deciding not to

send it--for all the reasons articulated by the the others who

replied--I continued working on it for me, so that I understood my

feelings about my parents.

I recommend you continue working on the letter with the idea that

maybe you'll send it and maybe you won't. Take to heart what the

others have said, and try to make your letter a clear statement of how

you feel--and *nothing* but a clear statement of how you feel. All

that stuff about who's messy or not messy--forget it, it's quicksand.

What's important is that you understand exactly how you feel. From my

experience, I historically have no idea how I feel as my focus was

always on nada; and by proxy, others.

I think my next draft of the letter will take a big turn--I'm going to

address it to myself; because I've been holed-up for a few weeks now

feeling depressed and annoyed with anyone trying to reach me in

despair. And I can't remember how I got here. And of course I got here

by not keeping it top-of-mind that going NC can unleash an avalanche

of guilt. I need something--a letter--to remind me, because this

happens a lot.

Keep working on that letter.

November 19, 2006

I agree with the other posts... borderlines just don't see things

the way we see them. Good advice on the other posts... yes, state

objectives, lines, etc. And they DON'T have the ability to handle

their emotions the way we do, and when I envision sending my nada a

letter like yours, which I do want to write and to send, I see it

only making me feel better but making things worse b/c of her

inevitable reaction to it which would be terrible.

Just some thoughts.

Grace

>

> Hi,

>

> I know I haven't stuck my head in here for a while, so I

understand

> if no one in here has the time or inclination to read this. There

> are a pile of posts in here!

>

> But things are rapidly reaching critical mass with my mother, and

I

> have to do something. Is the following potentially an effective

> letter to write to a borderline? Thanks.

>

> " Dear Mother,

>

> I would like you to know that I have the last envelope you sent me

> sitting in the living room, unopened. After opening the one

before

> that, I really didn't think I could stomach hearing another word

from

> you for quite a while.

>

> I want you to know that, while I love you and care about your

welfare

> no matter what you choose to do, when what you choose to do is

> totally out of order, you sure don't make it easy.

>

> The following is your version of what happened the last time we

spoke

> on the phone, at least as near as I can figure:

>

> and are living at your house, and you are upset

because

> they aren't paying rent, aren't taking care of the cats, and keep

the

> place messy and won't clean. That's problem one. Problem two is

> that you feel isn't friendly you feel you're getting the

cold

> shoulder from them in a number of ways. You tell me about all

this,

> and I tell you you are imagining everything and none of it is

true.

>

> Result: You stay upset all night, tell this to Maude and Claude,

and

> write me a letter about how messy the house was, that everyone

else

> who saw it said so, and that Maude and Claude are mad at me

because

> you are upset.

>

> Fair enough. What follows is the same sequence of events, from my

> point of view:

>

> I call up before Halloween to see how everyone is doing. Once

again,

> you start complaining and badmouthing and . Not

wanting

> to say anything that will make it worse, and manfully trying to

say

> something that actually might help make it better, I speak on two

> main themes. These are:

>

> On problem one, it IS IN FACT my opinion that they could have kept

> the place cleaner. I say many times, " No one's arguing that. " Do

> you remember that?? I, in point of fact, STRESSED THAT FOUR TIMES

ON

> THE PHONE THAT NIGHT.

>

> Problem two: Equally important, the house is not the only issue.

> Having heard a much different story from on some of the

other

> issues than I heard from you, I try to put forward the idea that

some

> of the problems are just misunderstandings and need to be talked

out.

>

> Result: You SOUND like you understand what I am saying. You

SAY

> you aren't telling me these things to get something out of me you

can

> go back and repeat to them -- which I know is a lie, because you

> already are repeating things I said. forwarded me the

email.

> And then you change the subject yourself. I think that maybe some

of

> the problems are being defused and maybe things could actually end

up

> better off, finally.

>

> Until ...

>

> End result: A letter arrives arguing on and on that the house was

> messy. Why is this, when I TOLD YOU FOUR TIMES that I did,

indeed,

> think the house was messy and that they should have cleaned??? I

> said it four times: " NO ONE'S ARGUING THAT. " I counted them.

Bob

> was here and heard me.

>

> One more time, let's get this straight:

>

> ON THE PHONE, I AGREED WITH YOU.

>

> The only other thing I said -- the ONLY thing -- was that there

were

> unrelated misunderstandings that need to be talked out.

>

> It should be noted that what I told you on the phone that night

was

> nothing but a rerun of what I said on the very same subject at

> Olivia's when you, me, Grandma, and Bob all went to dinner. I

said

> exactly the same thing with Maude and Bob both sitting there, and

> nobody thought it was bad. Nobody said a word, and it interests

me

> very much that, when people were present who could verify what was

> said, there was no staying up all night or inability to sleep. No

> crying, no hysterics, no ugly guilt-mail. Why is it that when I

say

> the exact same thing over the phone with no one there as witness

(I

> do have Bob, who heard every word over here), suddenly it's

twisted

> such that you have to argue for three pages that the house was

indeed

> messy, and you're up crying all night, can't sleep, and people who

> heard the exact same speech in person and didn't say anything are

> suddenly mad at me?

>

> And you say Bruce twists things!

>

> One more time, let's review:

>

> 1.) You drag me in on an argument with someone else I don't even

> want to know about, much less be involved in;

>

> 2.) You act like what I have said is fine with you when it isn't,

> and you are too chicken to say so;

>

> 3.) You cry like a baby all night and badmouth me to my

> grandparents, who weren't listening on the line and have no way to

> verify what was actually said;

>

> 4.) You write me an ugly letter to try to make me feel guilty;

>

> 5.) And THEN -- you write wondering what horrible thing you

> did that I treated you like a dog and didn't call you for your

> birthday!!!

>

> I would say this made me speechless, but fortunately for me, I'm

> not. Here are the facts:

>

> THE FACT IS, I sent you a birthday card and a watch for your

birthday.

>

> THE FACT IS, this is about the 10,000th time something like this

has

> happened, and I was just too angry to speak to you. Bob told me

> several times to call, but I was just too angry to even hear your

> voice after you did this terrible and completely untrue thing.

>

> The fact is that the past three years have been a real trial with

> you. 85% of any communication with you is spent dealing with your

> complaints about who did what to you when. You've flipped out and

> cut all your hair off over one sarcastic email and gotten back at

> by disclosing his personal financial information to a

complete

> stranger over the internet. These are not the only, but by far

the

> most egregious, examples of problematic behavior on your part over

> the past three years.

>

> Mother, no one does things like this. You're like no one else I

> know. I don't understand how anyone can look at behavior like

this

> and think that the person in question doesn't have a mental or

> emotional problem of some significance.

>

> You need to know that this problem is becoming very, very

serious.

> You need to know that I have been at my wit's end as to what to do

> for a very long time. You need to know that this last episode

with

> the phone call and the letter has just about pushed me to the

brink.

>

> I've been considering completely ending my relationship with you

for

> quite some time. You need to know that on a scale of 1 to 10,

with

> 10 being cutting you completely out of my life and severing my

> relationship with you permanently, I am about at a 9.5.

>

> I've been telling you and telling you and telling you and telling

you

> that there is a serious problem for a long time now. I have

> suggested ... advised ... asked ... BEGGED you to seek

professional

> help. I have offered to help find you a support group or someone

> qualified to see. You never want to hear it.

>

> Now I have to tell you that if I see something like this again,

I'm

> going to be at a 10.

>

> Normal people, when they have problems getting along with someone,

> have appropriate ways to handle them. Saying up front that you

don't

> like or agree with what someone else has said: Appropriate.

> Pretending it's OK on the phone and then TOTALLY misrepresenting

it

> to someone else, bawling your head off all night over something

that

> simply was not said: Inappropriate. Saying up front to

someone, " I

> won't loan you any more money. You take advantage and don't pay

> back, " and then not loaning the money: Appropriate. Complaining,

> giving it to them anyway, and then ruining their relationship with

> their girlfriend, disclosing a bankruptcy to a total stranger over

> the internet, especially when you know that person is trying to

start

> a career in law enforcement: Inappropriate.

>

> If you can't think of appropriate ways to handle problems with

other

> people on your own, or you're too uncomfortable to actually

perform

> them, that's what therapy is for. Go there and learn.

>

> DO NOT do anything like this to me again, or you will no longer

have

> me in your life to do this to. I'm not kidding. Your behavior

over

> the past three years has been wayyy over the top. I am at my

limit.

> No more.

>

> At this point, I think a cooling off period is in order. I don't

> want any contact with you at all until after the holidays. I

won't

> have any constant complaining, any tragic facial expressions, any

> furtive attacks through third parties, or any hysterical crying,

face-

> slapping, hair-cutting, or other sympathy behaviors ruining my

> Thanksgiving, my Christmas, my New Year, or my wedding.

>

> Do not write me another guilting letter full of accusations and

what

> a poor victim you are. Millions of adults abused as children are

> capable of work outside the home, independent living, and at least

> some relationships that are mostly free of the type of episodes

I've

> just described -- even the incest victims.

>

> I believe you are capable of doing much better. If I'm wrong and

> you're not, then you are seriously mentally ill and really do need

> extensive help. If I'm right and you are, then you're being lazy,

> cowardly, and selfish. It needs to stop now.

>

> In reviewing this past incident, I am satisfied with what I chose

to

> do. If either of us is dissatisfied with what you chose to do, my

> job is to get together and help you to figure out a better way. I

> think that therapy would probably be the best way.

>

> When you feel calm, after January 1st write me back. I'd like to

> talk to you about what happened and see if we can keep it from

> happening again, but if you don't want to talk about it any more,

> that's OK. I'll settle for you just calming down and getting some

> professional help.

>

> What will not be OK is another letter like the one I just got. If

I

> open the envelope and I see that again, that's a level 10, and my

> only contact with you from then on, ever, will have to be inside a

> therapist's office. I care about you, but one more episode like

this

> will push me past 10, and that's the honest truth. I simply

cannot

> take having someone in my life who acts like this, ever, any more.

>

> Please take care of yourself. There are much more satisfying ways

to

> get along with other people. Life doesn't have to be like this.

>

> With much love, hope, and best wishes for your future,

>

> Your daughter, "

>

> I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

>

> --LL.

>

November 19, 2006

Wow....can I just tell you how impressed I am that you managed to spell all

this out for her? You are very specific about your feelings and what you

feel is appropriate, and what isn't. She really doesn't deserve the time

and soul searching you gave her here. She has taken so much from you

already.....but you are willing to give more of your heart and mind. To me

this speaks volumes about the path that you are on to healing...all this

with Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and a wedding? Girlfriend...you are

a woman on a mission and you have all of my thoughts and prayers. You need

all the positive energy you can get. We are here for you for that....open

24/7.

That being said....I hate to say that I'm chiming in with everyone else.

She simply ISN'T going to get it....not ever....not if you explain it a

BILLION more times....but that isn't your fault. It's not your fault that

she won't get it....she doesn't want to get it....she doesn't have the

ability to get it. Seriously, she is up crying all night because people don

t CLEAN the way she want's them to? Jeez.....sounds EXACTLY like my nada...

who cares if and are happy....god forbid she doesn't sanitize

her floors 10 times a day.....even if they did, she still wouldn't be happy.

Believe that....I can attest to that from what I have gone through. She has

the same exact face no matter WHAT my house looks like. God FORBID I do my

laundry on Friday instead of Saturday....I must be trying to hide

something!!! GASP!! Here is my call....she will absolutely positively use

this letter, twist it around and use it for fuel against you. Typically....

she will either totally blow you off as if she never received this...or she

will begin a barage of hospital visits. That's what they do....they become

the emergency that you can't walk away from...because then they can REALLY

demonize you. She will end up in the ER with chest pain on your wedding day

...mark my word.

So....here is my advice...keep it short and simple. She has crossed the

line and you do not want to have anything to do with her until after January

1st. Period. Treat her as you would an intruder in your home. Maybe list

out her top ten offences the way Letterman does.

1. You are always a victim

2. You lie

3. You twist everything I say

4. You manipulate me by using fear, obligation and guilt

5. You refuse to take my advice seriously

6. You are always bringing up drama

.........you get the idea.

I wish I could say there is some hope out there that she will snap out of

this....maybe there is...but i can say the chances of that happening to MY

nada are ZERO.

You are in the driver's seat here, and you know what you want....so you are

ahead of the game already. We are here for you...keep us posted.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- Can anybody read a letter for me?

Hi,

I know I haven't stuck my head in here for a while, so I understand

if no one in here has the time or inclination to read this. There

are a pile of posts in here!

But things are rapidly reaching critical mass with my mother, and I

have to do something. Is the following potentially an effective

letter to write to a borderline? Thanks.

" Dear Mother,

I would like you to know that I have the last envelope you sent me

sitting in the living room, unopened. After opening the one before

that, I really didn't think I could stomach hearing another word from

you for quite a while.

I want you to know that, while I love you and care about your welfare

no matter what you choose to do, when what you choose to do is

totally out of order, you sure don't make it easy.

The following is your version of what happened the last time we spoke

on the phone, at least as near as I can figure:

and are living at your house, and you are upset because

they aren't paying rent, aren't taking care of the cats, and keep the

place messy and won't clean. That's problem one. Problem two is

that you feel isn't friendly you feel you're getting the cold

shoulder from them in a number of ways. You tell me about all this,

and I tell you you are imagining everything and none of it is true.

Result: You stay upset all night, tell this to Maude and Claude, and

write me a letter about how messy the house was, that everyone else

who saw it said so, and that Maude and Claude are mad at me because

you are upset.

Fair enough. What follows is the same sequence of events, from my

point of view:

I call up before Halloween to see how everyone is doing. Once again,

you start complaining and badmouthing and . Not wanting

to say anything that will make it worse, and manfully trying to say

something that actually might help make it better, I speak on two

main themes. These are:

On problem one, it IS IN FACT my opinion that they could have kept

the place cleaner. I say many times, " No one's arguing that. " Do

you remember that?? I, in point of fact, STRESSED THAT FOUR TIMES ON

THE PHONE THAT NIGHT.

Problem two: Equally important, the house is not the only issue.

Having heard a much different story from on some of the other

issues than I heard from you, I try to put forward the idea that some

of the problems are just misunderstandings and need to be talked out.

Result: You SOUND like you understand what I am saying. You SAY

you aren't telling me these things to get something out of me you can

go back and repeat to them -- which I know is a lie, because you

already are repeating things I said. forwarded me the email.

And then you change the subject yourself. I think that maybe some of

the problems are being defused and maybe things could actually end up

better off, finally.

Until ...

End result: A letter arrives arguing on and on that the house was

messy. Why is this, when I TOLD YOU FOUR TIMES that I did, indeed,

think the house was messy and that they should have cleaned??? I

said it four times: " NO ONE'S ARGUING THAT. " I counted them. Bob

was here and heard me.

One more time, let's get this straight:

ON THE PHONE, I AGREED WITH YOU.

The only other thing I said -- the ONLY thing -- was that there were

unrelated misunderstandings that need to be talked out.

It should be noted that what I told you on the phone that night was

nothing but a rerun of what I said on the very same subject at

Olivia's when you, me, Grandma, and Bob all went to dinner. I said

exactly the same thing with Maude and Bob both sitting there, and

nobody thought it was bad. Nobody said a word, and it interests me

very much that, when people were present who could verify what was

said, there was no staying up all night or inability to sleep. No

crying, no hysterics, no ugly guilt-mail. Why is it that when I say

the exact same thing over the phone with no one there as witness (I

do have Bob, who heard every word over here), suddenly it's twisted

such that you have to argue for three pages that the house was indeed

messy, and you're up crying all night, can't sleep, and people who

heard the exact same speech in person and didn't say anything are

suddenly mad at me?

And you say Bruce twists things!

One more time, let's review:

1.) You drag me in on an argument with someone else I don't even

want to know about, much less be involved in;

2.) You act like what I have said is fine with you when it isn't,

and you are too chicken to say so;

3.) You cry like a baby all night and badmouth me to my

grandparents, who weren't listening on the line and have no way to

verify what was actually said;

4.) You write me an ugly letter to try to make me feel guilty;

5.) And THEN -- you write wondering what horrible thing you

did that I treated you like a dog and didn't call you for your

birthday!!!

I would say this made me speechless, but fortunately for me, I'm

not. Here are the facts:

THE FACT IS, I sent you a birthday card and a watch for your birthday.

THE FACT IS, this is about the 10,000th time something like this has

happened, and I was just too angry to speak to you. Bob told me

several times to call, but I was just too angry to even hear your

voice after you did this terrible and completely untrue thing.

The fact is that the past three years have been a real trial with

you. 85% of any communication with you is spent dealing with your

complaints about who did what to you when. You've flipped out and

cut all your hair off over one sarcastic email and gotten back at

by disclosing his personal financial information to a complete

stranger over the internet. These are not the only, but by far the

most egregious, examples of problematic behavior on your part over

the past three years.

Mother, no one does things like this. You're like no one else I

know. I don't understand how anyone can look at behavior like this

and think that the person in question doesn't have a mental or

emotional problem of some significance.

You need to know that this problem is becoming very, very serious.

You need to know that I have been at my wit's end as to what to do

for a very long time. You need to know that this last episode with

the phone call and the letter has just about pushed me to the brink.

I've been considering completely ending my relationship with you for

quite some time. You need to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, with

10 being cutting you completely out of my life and severing my

relationship with you permanently, I am about at a 9.5.

I've been telling you and telling you and telling you and telling you

that there is a serious problem for a long time now. I have

suggested ... advised ... asked ... BEGGED you to seek professional

help. I have offered to help find you a support group or someone

qualified to see. You never want to hear it.

Now I have to tell you that if I see something like this again, I'm

going to be at a 10.

Normal people, when they have problems getting along with someone,

have appropriate ways to handle them. Saying up front that you don't

like or agree with what someone else has said: Appropriate.

Pretending it's OK on the phone and then TOTALLY misrepresenting it

to someone else, bawling your head off all night over something that

simply was not said: Inappropriate. Saying up front to someone, " I

won't loan you any more money. You take advantage and don't pay

back, " and then not loaning the money: Appropriate. Complaining,

giving it to them anyway, and then ruining their relationship with

their girlfriend, disclosing a bankruptcy to a total stranger over

the internet, especially when you know that person is trying to start

a career in law enforcement: Inappropriate.

If you can't think of appropriate ways to handle problems with other

people on your own, or you're too uncomfortable to actually perform

them, that's what therapy is for. Go there and learn.

DO NOT do anything like this to me again, or you will no longer have

me in your life to do this to. I'm not kidding. Your behavior over

the past three years has been wayyy over the top. I am at my limit.

No more.

At this point, I think a cooling off period is in order. I don't

want any contact with you at all until after the holidays. I won't

have any constant complaining, any tragic facial expressions, any

furtive attacks through third parties, or any hysterical crying, face-

slapping, hair-cutting, or other sympathy behaviors ruining my

Thanksgiving, my Christmas, my New Year, or my wedding.

Do not write me another guilting letter full of accusations and what

a poor victim you are. Millions of adults abused as children are

capable of work outside the home, independent living, and at least

some relationships that are mostly free of the type of episodes I've

just described -- even the incest victims.

I believe you are capable of doing much better. If I'm wrong and

you're not, then you are seriously mentally ill and really do need

extensive help. If I'm right and you are, then you're being lazy,

cowardly, and selfish. It needs to stop now.

In reviewing this past incident, I am satisfied with what I chose to

do. If either of us is dissatisfied with what you chose to do, my

job is to get together and help you to figure out a better way. I

think that therapy would probably be the best way.

When you feel calm, after January 1st write me back. I'd like to

talk to you about what happened and see if we can keep it from

happening again, but if you don't want to talk about it any more,

that's OK. I'll settle for you just calming down and getting some

professional help.

What will not be OK is another letter like the one I just got. If I

open the envelope and I see that again, that's a level 10, and my

only contact with you from then on, ever, will have to be inside a

therapist's office. I care about you, but one more episode like this

will push me past 10, and that's the honest truth. I simply cannot

take having someone in my life who acts like this, ever, any more.

Please take care of yourself. There are much more satisfying ways to

get along with other people. Life doesn't have to be like this.

With much love, hope, and best wishes for your future,

Your daughter, "

I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

--LL.

November 19, 2006

Everybody,

Thanks so very much for your time. , that sounds terrible. I've

been angry and sad over things my nada does before, but never that

bad. I hope you are feeling better, and thank you for taking the

time to write to me.

I have read the books you suggest, and I've seen all the suggestions

about how to communicate. But the fact is, my patience with this

wore out long ago and I really, really just want this person OUT OF

MY LIFE. FOR GOOD. I can't suffer through warding off her

complaints and pitiful attempts at attention-getting anymore. I

can't sit through another meal with this person, trying to remember

this technique and that one and still avoid creating a scene in a

restaurant or whatever. I'm just too fed up.

I started n/c back this summer. Without a word, just faded away and

stopped speaking to everyone in the family. You have to do that, you

see, because if you speak to somebody else or see somebody else and

you don't repeat every single little syllable of your conversation,

with her picking out every single little syllable of criticism of her

and telling you how to go back to the other person and defend her,

with you agreeing to do it, of course, then you're " talking about

her, " and things just get worse.

n/c for the summer was the GREATEST THREE MONTHS I have ever had.

Literally. It was soooooo nice. Unfortunately, after that my

grandfather passed out and hit his head on concrete in the parking

lot at the grocery and because of the family emergency I had to see

her again. Sure enough, fifteen minutes after sitting down next to

her, the complaining started up again, culminating in what you read.

I don't care how hard I try or how much I read or how diplomatic I

am, I constantly struggle with her, and I am sick, sick, sick of all

the crap said about me behind my back unless I satisfy her every

(totally unrealistic) need.

My fiance says not to send it either. But, it's like this. I DON'T

WANT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. I either, a.) Just disappear,

and nobody in the family ever sees me again or has any idea what

happened, or b.) I give her and the rest of the family some

explanation of what I am doing and why, and when she flips out, I'm

gone. I no longer need my family any more. It's all dysfunctional

and bad, and I'm so very much happier and better off without them.

Really, I just want out. My whole life has been nothing but

dysfunctional relationships with family, school, jobs, and God, and I

need to clear out all the shit and live NORMALLY. There's no hope of

getting this person into treatment. Sometimes I wish she would do it

up big and have a nervous breakdown so she HAS to be seen by a

qualified mental health professional.

At least this way I'm giving her a chance. I know it won't work, but

the first draft was strident, " I'm never seeing you again unless it's

in a therapist's office " letter and a detailing of the reasons why.

When you guys go n/c, you at least send a letter explaining yourself,

don't you?? What's the right way to do it??

--LL.

November 19, 2006