Re: So, all the n/c people ...

[Guest guest]

LL, I went out in a storm after a violent physical attack on

myself, my husband and most of all my 3 day old baby. I was

literally in hiding for months. Once she figured out all my info

where I was and numbers, she was feeling puffed up & the harassment

started. I had moved 3-4 times in the first year trying to hide. I

changed my numbers including cell phones probably 10+ times that

year. I got a restraining order telling her to leave me alone, that

didn't work. I think through all of this dh and I have only written

her a spereration letter 1 time each we did it the same day we both

sent her our separate letters stating we want separation we want our

own life leave us alone. They were very clear, very black and white.

But she can't take a hint because she is relentless and just keeps

coming with more and more ammo! She will be kicking in the grave.

Love Lizzy

>

> I have to ask. How did you go n/c and why? Is there a " right "

way?

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

There may be a 'right' way to initiate NC, but if there is I am not

aware of it. In my situation I really feel that it would have done me

no good whatsoever to attempt explaining why I needed to be NC,

because the woman just does not understand that HER behavior is what

drives people away from her. She continually makes lame attempts at

justifying her actions, and I just don't want to waste my energy

trying to get her to understand why I cannot and will not be around

her. Especially because I am pregnant...Lizzy, your story about your

nada attacking you, your dh, and your teeny new baby! OMG that is

exactly what I am trying to avoid.

I was NC in the 90's for a while and nada and fada were relentless,

just like your nada Lizzy, they hunted me down all the time. I was in

constant fear and had the worst nightmares that they were coming to

get me and hurt me. They harassed my friends and restraining orders

and what not did no good whatsoever. Eventually it got better because

I was able to get to a place where they couldn't find me.

This time around, I just stopped answering the calls, changed my cell

#, and blocked nada's number on the home phone. Everytime she calls

from a new number, I block that one too. I will take legal action if

need be in the future but it hasn't gotten to that point yet.

I guess the 'right' way depends on your situation. I know that's a

lame answer but it's the best I have...

>

> I have to ask. How did you go n/c and why? Is there a " right " way?

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Lizzy, Just dropping by to offer a holiday bouquet of web-support: {{{{{

}}}}}}}. I can't

imagine what it must be like to have such a low-functioning nada. You must be

very

strong, and I admire that!

Charlie

> >

> > I have to ask. How did you go n/c and why? Is there a " right "

> way?

> >

> > --LL.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Glad you asked. I'd like to know myself!

I've been r/c for 5 months. The longest ever. A new chapter i nmy

relationship with nada and fada.

In my situation, there was no big announcement or anything. I just

lost interest in calling -- and they kept declining sincere

invitations. So I just gave myself permission to quit trying so

hard with people who aren't interested in an active relationship --

just an occasional connection.

Well, that seems to have pissed them off. Apparently I am supposed

to do all of the work in keeping the " close family " fantasy alive.

They've put all the blame on me, and we've entered nada's

classic " Silent Treatment " phase.

So, this r/c has come about by a combination of factors: me

detaching and her giving the cold shoulder. I still send them

birthday cards and the kids' school pictures -- invite them to the

kids' plays and sports games -- I'm remaining cordial and striving

to keep my part of the " honor thy father and mother " commandment.

Doesn't mean I'm to be their doormat, but I've kept the door open.

When I saw them at a recent school function for my daughter, I was

warm and friendly -- I greeted them warmly. Fada hugged me as they

left and said " come by for coffee " .......(My therapist said to

consider that like some people say " Let's do lunch! " -- it's rather

meaningless.)

They keep painting me as the petulant child who has rejected them,

but the truth is, they've been so caught up in her BPD and their

hermit lifestyle, it was they who rejected me. I just finally wised

up and walked away from it. They need to project all the blame onto

me and make me the bad daughter, and I've accepted that.

That's my r/c story -- hope it helps...

-Kyla

>

> I have to ask. How did you go n/c and why? Is there a " right "

way?

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, Thanks so much these comments and support from the board

have been so helpful and mean so much these last few days

especially! All the best holiday wishes to you also. Lots of love

Lizzy

> > >

> > > I have to ask. How did you go n/c and why? Is there

a " right "

> > way?

> > >

> > > --LL.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, Freda, I'm sorry that your mom is BPD, however,

I'm so glad that you found out early in your 20's. or

20. I'm almost double that and just went n/c Aug.

1st.

also sorry that she stole your and your brother's

education. That is absolutely insane, espcially since

it was a SECOND mortgage!! Your dad must be freaking

out. Yet, I have never met a husband of a BPD that

didnt' finally admit that they knew the dangers. They

have their own payoff for being in that insanity.

I am so happy for you for getting to know all of this

while you are so young and not have wasted 20 more

years!

Greg.

--- Freda wrote

> ive just gone n/c recently. there isnt a right way

> to do it. it all depends on you, how the the BPD

> person is like and the situation. my BPD mother has

> left my dad, after i returned from University for

> the summer and she had wiped my dads account out and

> left him with huge debt. and she now has the cheak

> to ask for a divorce for halve the house when shes

> stolen more than that in the last year, including

> all the second morgage that was meant to put me and

> my brother through uni. it was my dad that found

> out that she has (we believe undiagnosed) BPD with a

> fair bit of pushing from his doctor who revealed to

> my dad, as he realised he could legally, that she

> had taken me, (we believe my brother as well) to him

> because she was convinced that we were mentally

> insane. she now denies it, despite the fact we also

> have proof.

>

> i think this was the last straw for me. added to

> the fact that first my dad and then i, was

> protecting my brother from her all of his life he

> needed to realise what she was actually like and

> that there was/ and is no reasoning with her, that

> and she had left my dad which has enabled him to

> come out of his depression brought on by her, and

> now accepts she has always been like this. i

> decided that all the contact i had with her was all

> about her, she drained my emotionally, with her

> verbal abuse, and manipulation, so i decided to

> restrict her to email, after a long talk in which i

> asked her if she would at least go with me to an

> independant doctor to at least prove me wrong, of

> cource she refused. but she kept ringing my brother

> when she knew i was their . also all her emails

> positevely typical manipulation, so ive just stoped

> responding to her. my dad supports me my brother

> slightly dislikes it but his not saying anything.

>

> its difficult especially with christmass coming

> cause no doubt shes telling her side, all of whom

> are ignoring me or if they do contact me its to

> remind me that shes still my mother. der but i want

> my life im almost 20 and i am only just feel free.

>

> i was slightly lucky cause ive only ever remember

> her as the crazy bitch who thinks im her. but my

> brother remembers when she wasnt as bad, when she

> was still on the pill. so for me going NC is easy

> cause i came to terms with what she was before i

> knew it was an axtual condition. ive had a slight

> sence of grief for what could have been if she never

> had it so bad but my brothers got to realise the

> mother he imagined her to be doesnt exist and she is

> who she is. i think that the only time you can

> easily go N/C is when you realise that nothing you

> could do, no matter how much you love them, they

> wont change unless they want to and by letting them

> do what they do to you your not helping.

>

> i do find it irritating though cause altthough

> there are many who understand why ive gone NC, thers

> always those lovely " helpful " people who try and

> convince you that you should stay in contact with

> your mother " cause you only get one mother " . then

> you try and give them a glimpse of what life is like

> and they just say thats terrible dear but she is

> still your mother. ive decided the best thing is

> to say nothing to them and say " i undertand what

> your saying "

>

> well thats a bit of a rant. hope its of some use.

>

> Freda

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

> http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

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> [Non-text portions of this message have been

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>

>

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[Guest guest]

Ugh -- I absolutely hate, loathe and despise that saying " She's your

MOTHER! " (spoken most recently by fada).

It's hard to think of a snappy comeback to that one, except " She

never reminded herself 'That's your DAUGHTER!', before she treated

me like a pet. "

But it's just not " snappy " ......

And " mother " is not carte blanche to treat me like a doormat.

>

> ive just gone n/c recently. there isnt a right way to do it. it

all depends on you, how the the BPD person is like and the

situation. my BPD mother has left my dad, after i returned from

University for the summer and she had wiped my dads account out and

left him with huge debt. and she now has the cheak to ask for a

divorce for halve the house when shes stolen more than that in the

last year, including all the second morgage that was meant to put me

and my brother through uni. it was my dad that found out that she

has (we believe undiagnosed) BPD with a fair bit of pushing from his

doctor who revealed to my dad, as he realised he could legally, that

she had taken me, (we believe my brother as well) to him because she

was convinced that we were mentally insane. she now denies it,

despite the fact we also have proof.

>

> i think this was the last straw for me. added to the fact that

first my dad and then i, was protecting my brother from her all of

his life he needed to realise what she was actually like and that

there was/ and is no reasoning with her, that and she had left my

dad which has enabled him to come out of his depression brought on

by her, and now accepts she has always been like this. i decided

that all the contact i had with her was all about her, she drained

my emotionally, with her verbal abuse, and manipulation, so i

decided to restrict her to email, after a long talk in which i asked

her if she would at least go with me to an independant doctor to at

least prove me wrong, of cource she refused. but she kept ringing

my brother when she knew i was their . also all her emails

positevely typical manipulation, so ive just stoped responding to

her. my dad supports me my brother slightly dislikes it but his

not saying anything.

>

> its difficult especially with christmass coming cause no doubt

shes telling her side, all of whom are ignoring me or if they do

contact me its to remind me that shes still my mother. der but i

want my life im almost 20 and i am only just feel free.

>

> i was slightly lucky cause ive only ever remember her as the

crazy bitch who thinks im her. but my brother remembers when she

wasnt as bad, when she was still on the pill. so for me going NC is

easy cause i came to terms with what she was before i knew it was an

axtual condition. ive had a slight sence of grief for what could

have been if she never had it so bad but my brothers got to realise

the mother he imagined her to be doesnt exist and she is who she

is. i think that the only time you can easily go N/C is when you

realise that nothing you could do, no matter how much you love them,

they wont change unless they want to and by letting them do what

they do to you your not helping.

>

> i do find it irritating though cause altthough there are many

who understand why ive gone NC, thers always those lovely " helpful "

people who try and convince you that you should stay in contact with

your mother " cause you only get one mother " . then you try and give

them a glimpse of what life is like and they just say thats terrible

dear but she is still your mother. ive decided the best thing is

to say nothing to them and say " i undertand what your saying "

>

> well thats a bit of a rant. hope its of some use.

>

> Freda

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

>

>