Guest guest Posted November 4, 2006 Report Share Posted November 4, 2006 One of the threads I recently read inspired me to write down what I would like in a mother and what I am saying 'No' to by dreaming of the perfect mom. I wasnt intending on sharing it but after writing it I wondered what you all would think...so here it is... What do I want? I want to have a mom who is healthy and stands on her own. The mom that is concerned about me not just in light of her. The mom who loves me without consuming me. The mom who I would be happy to get an unannounced letter from and who I would want to phone if something good or bad happened. A mom who I want to be with. A mom who I can be unguarded and relaxed with. I want a mom who allows me the right of having my own life and my own private life too. I want to keep my health information to myself. I want to hear about pleasant things not ‘pickles’. I want to have a facial expression around my mom. I want her to be reasonable and gentle with me. I want a mom who will be happy when I find myself. I want to be loved unconditionally. Like birds land in tree branches and freely fly away I want to be released, without being snatched back. No tricky barbed comments. No splitting my father into evil bits. No disaster. No suppressing who I am so I can remain a part of you. No to silencing. No meanness. No hate. No to committing me consulting me. No to being punished for not serving you. No to giving my things away. No to blaming me when it is not my fault/ I had not control. No to setting me up to fail. No to being scared of outsiders. No ‘I didn’t want to tell yous’. No instability. Paranoia. Health. No black and white. All or nothing. No should. No past. No selfishness. No saying nothing and the repeating it. No apologies from anyone. No picking apart everything in a way that absolves you of everything. No yelling from room to room. No interruptions. No catastrophizing. No flights into crisis. No cutting. No re-hashing. No round and round. No losing my self. No to worthlessness. No to being convenient for you. Not to being isolated from my own desire/passion/happiness. No to the martyress. No to control. No to having to choose between two impossible choices. No to being kidnapped. No to fitting myself into you. No to making it all better for you. No placating, consoling or cajoling. No to the hermit. No to being the only adult. No to asking what is normal. No to being an orphan. No to you. Thanks for reading. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. ~Laurel EcMc --------------------------------- All new Yahoo! Mail --------------------------------- Get news delivered. Enjoy RSS feeds right on your Mail page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 5, 2006 Report Share Posted November 5, 2006 Hi Laurel, I just want to tell you that what you wrote may be the most complete and profound summation of my feelings about Nada I have ever seen. I was afraid that when I start therapy tomorrow I wouldn't be able to clearly articulate and back up with examples what it is that she does. However, as I read your list an example of each(sometimes two examples) popped into my head. Also, my poor abused father does not believe (although he wants to) that there are many of us who have these Nadas in our lives and that Nada behavior is pretty universal. So today I will show him your list and watch his eyes light up with amazement when I tell him it was written by another KO....not me. My father is speaking with his oncologist this week about starting therapy as well. Nadas therapist is some dotty old lady who had joined my nada in blaming my father and his cancer for all nadas trouble. I called the therapist anonymously and asked about her work with BPD. Her reply, " Oh, I don't take on any pojects as big as that....I'm too close to retirement. " For all she knew I could have been referring to myself and OH MY GOD what an insensitive thing to say. So the only purpose this therapist has is to provide my mother with the ability to abuse the phrase, " my therapist says....(fill in blank with her own selfish idea). " So anyway, Your list was BRILLIANT and I thank you. JC > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Yes & No >Date: Sat, 4 Nov 2006 23:19:00 -0500 (EST) > >One of the threads I recently read inspired me to write down what I would >like in a mother and what I am saying 'No' to by dreaming of the perfect >mom. > I wasnt intending on sharing it but after writing it I wondered what you >all would think...so here it is... > > What do I want? > > I want to have a mom who is healthy and stands on her own. The mom that >is concerned about me not just in light of her. The mom who loves me >without consuming me. The mom who I would be happy to get an unannounced >letter from and who I would want to phone if something good or bad >happened. A mom who I want to be with. A mom who I can be unguarded and >relaxed with. I want a mom who allows me the right of having my own life >and my own private life too. I want to keep my health information to >myself. I want to hear about pleasant things not ‘pickles’. I want to have >a facial expression around my mom. I want her to be reasonable and gentle >with me. I want a mom who will be happy when I find myself. I want to be >loved unconditionally. Like birds land in tree branches and freely fly away >I want to be released, without being snatched back. > > No tricky barbed comments. > No splitting my father into evil bits. > No disaster. > No suppressing who I am so I can remain a part of you. > No to silencing. > No meanness. > No hate. > No to committing me consulting me. > No to being punished for not serving you. > No to giving my things away. > No to blaming me when it is not my fault/ I had not control. > No to setting me up to fail. > No to being scared of outsiders. > No ‘I didn’t want to tell yous’. > No instability. Paranoia. Health. > No black and white. All or nothing. > No should. > No past. > No selfishness. > No saying nothing and the repeating it. > No apologies from anyone. > No picking apart everything in a way that absolves you of everything. > No yelling from room to room. > No interruptions. > No catastrophizing. > No flights into crisis. > No cutting. > No re-hashing. > No round and round. > No losing my self. > No to worthlessness. > No to being convenient for you. > Not to being isolated from my own desire/passion/happiness. > No to the martyress. > No to control. > No to having to choose between two impossible choices. > No to being kidnapped. > No to fitting myself into you. > No to making it all better for you. > No placating, consoling or cajoling. > No to the hermit. > No to being the only adult. > No to asking what is normal. > No to being an orphan. > No to you. > > > Thanks for reading. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. > > ~Laurel EcMc > > >--------------------------------- >All new Yahoo! Mail >--------------------------------- >Get news delivered. Enjoy RSS feeds right on your Mail page. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 5, 2006 Report Share Posted November 5, 2006 Greg, that is SO true!! My nada IS already " deeply hurt. " She's also already offended, insulted and disrespected... it's like her whole way of interracting with people is to be hyper-sensitive and paranoid and imagining the worst motives possible in everyone, even strangers. She just assumes people are deliberately hurting and rejecting her and goes through life with the narrow focus of obsessively collecting evidence of this -- while ignoring everything else! Her whole life is about relationships and how people have (or are now) hurting and disappointing her! Beyond this, she has no goals, no principles, no standards of conduct, no daily routine, no sense of spirituality or giving to others or having a higher purpose... It's so ironic to me that, given her single-minded focus on people and relationships, she's a hermit!!! Oh well, just rambling, I guess... of course you're right it's part of the personality disorder, and central to the illness. I guess for me the point of creating boundaries with her isn't to try and change or enlighten HER, it's about drawing lines to protect and nurture myself, regardless of her reactions. Shana Re: Yes & No > > Laurel, > I think that is excellent. Just excellent. You've clearly > identified > what you want out of the relationship, and what you do not want. > I > think that what you wrote is something we can all identify > with... I > know that I can. Part of the problem with BPs is the confusion, > and > the feeling like your head is spun around. Good job for clearly > outlining your yes's and no's. > > My question may be one we all struggle with... how do you GET > that? > What you wrote about your " yes " is what I want, but I feel like > I > don't have that as an option. And the no's... how do you make > them > into boundaries without having things explode and being accused > of > hurting our nadas " deeply " ? How do we get a yes, and make clear > our > no's? For me, I don't think I'll ever have what I want from her. > I > had a great relationship with her, until I pulled away enough to > see > the forest for the trees and leave Oz. Now I feel happier and > healthier than ever, and have wonderful relationships with my > dad > and siblings I never dreamed I could have. I'd rather have ME, > and > my other relationships (HEALTHY ONES, TOO!) than have broken > relationships all over the place, low self-esteem, but a great > relationship with nada. > > Thanks for what you wrote. It's an inspiration. > > Grace > > > > > > One of the threads I recently read inspired me to write down > what > I would like in a mother and what I am saying 'No' to by > dreaming of > the perfect mom. > > I wasnt intending on sharing it but after writing it I > wondered > what you all would think...so here it is... > > > > What do I want? > > > > I want to have a mom who is healthy and stands on her own. The > mom that is concerned about me not just in light of her. The mom > who > loves me without consuming me. The mom who I would be happy to > get > an unannounced letter from and who I would want to phone if > something good or bad happened. A mom who I want to be with. A > mom > who I can be unguarded and relaxed with. I want a mom who allows > me > the right of having my own life and my own private life too. I > want > to keep my health information to myself. I want to hear about > pleasant things not `pickles'. I want to have a facial > expression > around my mom. I want her to be reasonable and gentle with me. I > want a mom who will be happy when I find myself. I want to be > loved > unconditionally. Like birds land in tree branches and freely fly > away I want to be released, without being snatched back. > > > > No tricky barbed comments. > > No splitting my father into evil bits. > > No disaster. > > No suppressing who I am so I can remain a part of you. > > No to silencing. > > No meanness. > > No hate. > > No to committing me consulting me. > > No to being punished for not serving you. > > No to giving my things away. > > No to blaming me when it is not my fault/ I had not control. > > No to setting me up to fail. > > No to being scared of outsiders. > > No `I didn't want to tell yous'. > > No instability. Paranoia. Health. > > No black and white. All or nothing. > > No should. > > No past. > > No selfishness. > > No saying nothing and the repeating it. > > No apologies from anyone. > > No picking apart everything in a way that absolves you of > everything. > > No yelling from room to room. > > No interruptions. > > No catastrophizing. > > No flights into crisis. > > No cutting. > > No re-hashing. > > No round and round. > > No losing my self. > > No to worthlessness. > > No to being convenient for you. > > Not to being isolated from my own desire/passion/ happiness. > > No to the martyress. > > No to control. > > No to having to choose between two impossible choices. > > No to being kidnapped. > > No to fitting myself into you. > > No to making it all better for you. > > No placating, consoling or cajoling. > > No to the hermit. > > No to being the only adult. > > No to asking what is normal. > > No to being an orphan. > > No to you. > > > > > > Thanks for reading. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. > > > > ~Laurel EcMc > > > > > > ------------ --------- --------- --- > > All new Yahoo! Mail > > ------------ --------- --------- --- > > Get news delivered. Enjoy RSS feeds right on your Mail page. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 6, 2006 Report Share Posted November 6, 2006 Laurel, This is truly a great list. Knowing what we want and need is important as we have to self-parent ourselves. I think your list is also a good way to focus in on where boundaries have to be established. It is my belief that the 'perfect' mom is one who loves us unconditionally. We can't get that from our nadas, but it is something we can do for ourselves. Take care, Sylvia > > One of the threads I recently read inspired me to write down what I would like in a mother and what I am saying 'No' to by dreaming of the perfect mom. > I wasnt intending on sharing it but after writing it I wondered what you all would think...so here it is... > > What do I want? > > I want to have a mom who is healthy and stands on her own. The mom that is concerned about me not just in light of her. The mom who loves me without consuming me. The mom who I would be happy to get an unannounced letter from and who I would want to phone if something good or bad happened. A mom who I want to be with. A mom who I can be unguarded and relaxed with. I want a mom who allows me the right of having my own life and my own private life too. I want to keep my health information to myself. I want to hear about pleasant things not `pickles'. I want to have a facial expression around my mom. I want her to be reasonable and gentle with me. I want a mom who will be happy when I find myself. I want to be loved unconditionally. Like birds land in tree branches and freely fly away I want to be released, without being snatched back. > > No tricky barbed comments. > No splitting my father into evil bits. > No disaster. > No suppressing who I am so I can remain a part of you. > No to silencing. > No meanness. > No hate. > No to committing me consulting me. > No to being punished for not serving you. > No to giving my things away. > No to blaming me when it is not my fault/ I had not control. > No to setting me up to fail. > No to being scared of outsiders. > No `I didn't want to tell yous'. > No instability. Paranoia. Health. > No black and white. All or nothing. > No should. > No past. > No selfishness. > No saying nothing and the repeating it. > No apologies from anyone. > No picking apart everything in a way that absolves you of everything. > No yelling from room to room. > No interruptions. > No catastrophizing. > No flights into crisis. > No cutting. > No re-hashing. > No round and round. > No losing my self. > No to worthlessness. > No to being convenient for you. > Not to being isolated from my own desire/passion/happiness. > No to the martyress. > No to control. > No to having to choose between two impossible choices. > No to being kidnapped. > No to fitting myself into you. > No to making it all better for you. > No placating, consoling or cajoling. > No to the hermit. > No to being the only adult. > No to asking what is normal. > No to being an orphan. > No to you. > > > Thanks for reading. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. > > ~Laurel EcMc > > > --------------------------------- > All new Yahoo! Mail > --------------------------------- > Get news delivered. Enjoy RSS feeds right on your Mail page. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 6, 2006 Report Share Posted November 6, 2006 Ha ha! How about Nazareth's " Hair of the Dog " (Lyrics: " Now you're messing with a son of a bitch! " ) > > > > One of the threads I recently read inspired me to write down what I > would like in a mother and what I am saying 'No' to by dreaming of > the perfect mom. > > I wasnt intending on sharing it but after writing it I wondered > what you all would think...so here it is... > > > > What do I want? > > > > I want to have a mom who is healthy and stands on her own. The > mom that is concerned about me not just in light of her. The mom who > loves me without consuming me. The mom who I would be happy to get an > unannounced letter from and who I would want to phone if something > good or bad happened. A mom who I want to be with. A mom who I can be > unguarded and relaxed with. I want a mom who allows me the right of > having my own life and my own private life too. I want to keep my > health information to myself. I want to hear about pleasant things > not `pickles'. I want to have a facial expression around my mom. I > want her to be reasonable and gentle with me. I want a mom who will > be happy when I find myself. I want to be loved unconditionally. Like > birds land in tree branches and freely fly away I want to be > released, without being snatched back. > > > > No tricky barbed comments. > > No splitting my father into evil bits. > > No disaster. > > No suppressing who I am so I can remain a part of you. > > No to silencing. > > No meanness. > > No hate. > > No to committing me consulting me. > > No to being punished for not serving you. > > No to giving my things away. > > No to blaming me when it is not my fault/ I had not control. > > No to setting me up to fail. > > No to being scared of outsiders. > > No `I didn't want to tell yous'. > > No instability. Paranoia. Health. > > No black and white. All or nothing. > > No should. > > No past. > > No selfishness. > > No saying nothing and the repeating it. > > No apologies from anyone. > > No picking apart everything in a way that absolves you of > everything. > > No yelling from room to room. > > No interruptions. > > No catastrophizing. > > No flights into crisis. > > No cutting. > > No re-hashing. > > No round and round. > > No losing my self. > > No to worthlessness. > > No to being convenient for you. > > Not to being isolated from my own desire/passion/ happiness. > > No to the martyress. > > No to control. > > No to having to choose between two impossible choices. > > No to being kidnapped. > > No to fitting myself into you. > > No to making it all better for you. > > No placating, consoling or cajoling. > > No to the hermit. > > No to being the only adult. > > No to asking what is normal. > > No to being an orphan. > > No to you. > > > > > > Thanks for reading. I hope you are taking care of yourselves. > > > > ~Laurel EcMc > > > > > > ------------ --------- --------- --- > > All new Yahoo! Mail > > ------------ --------- --------- --- > > Get news delivered. Enjoy RSS feeds right on your Mail page. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.