Guest guest Posted October 24, 2006 Report Share Posted October 24, 2006 Hi Laurel, I'm pretty knew to this group, too. I can tell you that in the last couple of weeks that, if I've learned nothing more, I've learned that I'm not alone. You're not alone. This discussion group flips the lights on in the room where family secrets go to hide and fester. Like you, family was the first place I went for help--Yikes! Next, I turned to friends. Friends can sympathize, but unless they have a borderline parent (and are aware of it), it's unlikely they can validate that in you which desperately needs validation. There is validation all over this group. Welcome. > > Hi, > > I just signed up for this group yesterday because I am feeling totally lost, unearthed, sad, helpless and orphaned. > Over the weekend I spoke with my mother's therapist (at the therapist's request). I have a psychology degree (and am going to get my Masters in counselling next year..oh the irony) and so I have done alot of reading and research on BPD because I have suspected that my mother and my sister have it. Despite having though about BPD a lot nothing prepared me for the conversation with the T. > She confirmed that I was in fact remembering my childhood correctly and that she also suspected that my mother has BPD (or another syndrome i am less familiar with called munchausen by proxy disorder). > Just reading the list of the abreviations used in this forum has given me a sense of belonging and insight becasue I am definatly familiar with FOG, having a mother that was not a mother, Oz etc. > I guess I am wondering how I will triumph over this feeling of being totally alone? Will this discusting aching feeling ever go away? Why can I only feel emotion in really short intense bursts and then i just go back to the bubble of non feeling? Why do i just nod and smile when ever anyone is asking someting of me and then only after i leave their presence do i realize i have commited to do something i really do not want to do...does this happen to anyone else? > I was always told that my family was the only place where i could get support and so reaching out to strangers (who have always been characterized as being 'out to get me') is really scary but I am grateful to know I am not alone and it seems there may be a whole group of you who have had similar crazy experiences that I have. > Thanks for any imput...laurel > > > --------------------------------- > Make free worldwide PC-to-PC calls. Try the new Yahoo! Canada Messenger with Voice > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2006 Report Share Posted October 24, 2006 Dear Laurel, Don't be afraid. You WILL get to feeling better. Learning what you now know to be true about your mom is a horrible shock. It snaps your childhood into focus and makes all the daily denials we all engage in impossible from then on. It informs us once and for all that we didn't really ever HAVE a childhood. It's a lot to take in whether you are twenty or sixty when it happens. All here have been raised to distrust strangers because our mothers knew instinctively that strangers were the only ones who could open our eyes to the fact that we were living in an alternate reality. You will find that reality check here. Please don't worry. Things will get better and all her can help you through each phase as you make decisions on where to take your relationship with your mother. Welcome and good luck. Liz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2006 Report Share Posted October 24, 2006 Dear Laurel, When I first joined this list, it was called ModOasis. I decided to check out a few of the earliest posts--the ones by the 'framers'--to see what they were writing about at very first. One poster called herself 'Anon', and she wrote, extremely poignantly, about how isolation was the central tenet of the KO experience. Just reading that made me feel less isolated. Yes, it does go away, that sense--even completely. First you discover the causes of feeling so isolated. It's partly because nadas give so many messages that attempt to merge you as part of themselves, and keep you completely cut off from anyone whose reality might threaten her own, hence make her split herself black for some reason. It is partly the terror of abandonment that bpds have, coupled with the idea that love is a zero sum equation, and so if you love anyone else it can only be instead of her. It is partly an aspect of the trauma and terror cycle, eloquently described by Judith Herman in the captivity and child abuse chapters of 'Trauma and Recovery'. In order to inflict their reality upon you, the captor must cut you off from all other sources of reality, and seeks to isolate you completely from those. I call this the 'banishment' theme, and I use that word very often in therapy, in my journals and on the board. Oh, there is also the idea that the child of an abusive parent takes on the badness of the parent to themselves, in an attempt to keep control of the situation and keep close to her parents. Then they feel they don't deserve to connect to anyone else, because they are basically bad--something nada would have happily enforced during split black times. This is again described in the Herman book. Those are some of the possible sources of your feeling. Then there are the things you do to make it go away. For awhile at first I used to tell myself again and again that my connections to my friends were real, and that they loved me. That my connections to non- bpd foo members were also real--though limited, very limited. That my connections to the outside world, and my student/public life were real. Reading the Herman book is perhaps the single thing that made me feel most connected to the Universe. My reaction to nada was human--it was filled with typical human reactions to an unfortunately prevalent human situation (child abuse). That helped a lot. Also, I learned to lean on my friends from time to time--to actually call them when I needed to talk about something, or make plans ahead of time when I knew I would need some social time. I found out my friends are AWESOME and my connection to them was real, indeed. Then also, this board is an ultimate isolation-killer. You will find antecdotes that could be lifted from your own childhood, described by other members in strikingly vivid, familiar detail. Then, eventually, you learn to heal from the trauma, to set up boundaries with nada, and then you become able to have your own immediate family, and then you are *really* not alone. That's what it looks like. It definitely does end! But there will always be discomforts to be conquered. It is the nature of KO-ness. Welcome! Tell us antecdotes. Best Charlie > > Hi, > > I just signed up for this group yesterday because I am feeling totally lost, unearthed, sad, helpless and orphaned. > Over the weekend I spoke with my mother's therapist (at the therapist's request). I have a psychology degree (and am going to get my Masters in counselling next year..oh the irony) and so I have done alot of reading and research on BPD because I have suspected that my mother and my sister have it. Despite having though about BPD a lot nothing prepared me for the conversation with the T. > She confirmed that I was in fact remembering my childhood correctly and that she also suspected that my mother has BPD (or another syndrome i am less familiar with called munchausen by proxy disorder). > Just reading the list of the abreviations used in this forum has given me a sense of belonging and insight becasue I am definatly familiar with FOG, having a mother that was not a mother, Oz etc. > I guess I am wondering how I will triumph over this feeling of being totally alone? Will this discusting aching feeling ever go away? Why can I only feel emotion in really short intense bursts and then i just go back to the bubble of non feeling? Why do i just nod and smile when ever anyone is asking someting of me and then only after i leave their presence do i realize i have commited to do something i really do not want to do...does this happen to anyone else? > I was always told that my family was the only place where i could get support and so reaching out to strangers (who have always been characterized as being 'out to get me') is really scary but I am grateful to know I am not alone and it seems there may be a whole group of you who have had similar crazy experiences that I have. > Thanks for any imput...laurel > > > --------------------------------- > Make free worldwide PC-to-PC calls. Try the new Yahoo! Canada Messenger with Voice > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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