The price of healing

[Guest guest]

It's has taken me a while to go from " I don't care what they think " to really

and truly not caring. At first I thought there was something wrong with

me...unable to get out from under their grasp. Then I realized that of course I

could not just " snap out of it " . I had been hard wired to ONLY care about what

other people thought of everything I said or did or even implied. When you

spend 30 years with that being beat into that it's hard to think any other way.

I think it took me a good 2 years to even allow myself to think about what it

was that made me happy or what I wanted. Once I had that liberating day when my

husband pointed out that what made me happy had the same response to what I bent

over backwards to do that had made me miserable. I was free! I really and

honestly had stopped allowing their " disappointment " to phase me.

Now, however the tide has turned. I'm not even going to try to process how or

why...but it has changed. Make no mistake-they aren't any better. (Nada and

Fada) I am the one who has healed...well..at least I feel like I am well on my

way. Yesterday I realized how much. We went to nada's for mother's day. (Our

annual trip got rained out-no biggie...we're going next weekend) I sat outside

with my Aunt the entire day and eventually she sighed and said " well I better go

inside and be social or there will be hell to pay " ...I laughed and said " yep "

and went in with her. (Something new for her and nice for me to see) It dawned

on me as we were walking in that she was right...but I hadn't even thought of

that..because I honestly don't care..they are going to be " bent " no matter what.

I helped nada clean up...I can't even tell you what we talked about. Later on I

found the card I had bought several weeks ago for her and took it over to her

house to drop it off...she read it

and started to cry. She said " This means so much to me...thank you so

much...you are the best daughter..I really am blessed " To which my father said

" yes...thank you...and thank you for helping your mother clean up...you really

helped her alot and I appreciate it. " Later in the conversation he said

something about bragging about me at work. Yeah...whatever. We went home and

my husband said " see that? " I was completely clueless.

I've waited 38 years for their acceptance and when I get

it...nope...nothing...I feel nothing. I guess I should be sad that with my

healing I have shut off my feelings for how they feel...both bad and good. I've

shut it ALL out. My husband asked me if I was angry because after everything I

have done NOW they accept me. No...i'm not angry or bitter at the delayed

response...I don't feel anything either way. It's kind of like...do you pick

out the color of your car in order to impress passing motorists on the highway?

Of course not. So am I depriving myself of the positive to shield myself from

the negative? Maybe...is it worth it? Absolutely.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny