Re: Is Letter Writing a Common Theme?

[Guest guest]

Yes. My fada likes to send me ever changing copies of his will and

financial chores like moving his annuities around, which I can never

do to his satisfaction. He has never sent me a birthday card in my

life...and I seriously doubt that he could tell anyone when my

birthday is. He did get me a clothing outfit once somewhere around

the time of my birthday about 20 years ago but it was all western

wear, which is what he likes...not what I like...lol. In any written

communication I have ever received from him, he has never spelt my

first name correctly. He has spelt it about three different ways, but

never the way it is actually spelled.

For now, I am trying to work on solidifying my own identity. It's

difficult but enlightening to realize that my fada does not see me or

even begin to love me as separate, unique individual. I am sad a lot,

but trying to salvage what's left of my life and move on.

CHRISTY

>

> Hi all- After reading through many posts and thinking about my own

> situation I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing letters to

> us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness and

> outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common theme

> with borderlines? Has anyone else noticed this with their BP? It

> seemed like everytime time I came home from college there would be a 5

> page letter on my bed telling me how awful I am for going to college

> and leaving her there, how much I've changed and dissapointment from

> it, etc. Then after college was more letter in the mail pouring her

> heart out of how she needs to stop living her life by letting others

> put her down all the time, etc. I can't count how many letters I've

> gotten from her! Anyone else?

>

[Guest guest]

gawd yes! - shed write long drawn out letters mostly boring things

about herself and how everything related to her. We'd get into

arguments while visiting home then leave. So she would be sending me

letters explaining her side of the story and blah blah this and blah

blah that. By then she was in counseling. But its going good i think

cause dad is starting to open up to them how abusive mean and nasty

she is. I started sending the letters straight to the counselor. She

was humiliated!!!! Then I got a post office box and didnt give her

the adress. Shed still send little gifts to work and through dad. I

just packed them up and sent them back.

So that is one way to handle it. Just forward them to thier parent,

preist, counselor or anyone you think she might be embarassed by to

read it. Or keep sending them back. Preferably unopened. Just take it

back to the PO and tell him you dont want anything from this person.

they wil take it back and she will have to pay the return postage.

nan

>

> Hi all- After reading through many posts and thinking about my own

> situation I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing

letters to

> us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness and

> outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common

theme

> with borderlines? Has anyone else noticed this with their BP? It

> seemed like everytime time I came home from college there would be

a 5

> page letter on my bed telling me how awful I am for going to

college

> and leaving her there, how much I've changed and dissapointment

from

> it, etc. Then after college was more letter in the mail pouring

her

> heart out of how she needs to stop living her life by letting

others

> put her down all the time, etc. I can't count how many letters

I've

> gotten from her! Anyone else?

>

[Guest guest]

My nada is known for writing letters to everyone in the family to

express her irritation with everyone. She also will then include a

long winded poem about whomever's realtionship. Then if you do not

react to what she has sent you she will send you another letter and a

poem. It is like an ongoing cycle.

[Guest guest]

Mine loves writing long e-mails to express her irritation, or explain

why you should give her things. Doesn't like letters through the post

though, i think she likes knowing that whatever she's thinking arrives

immediately...

>

> My nada is known for writing letters to everyone in the family to

> express her irritation with everyone. She also will then include a

> long winded poem about whomever's realtionship. Then if you do not

> react to what she has sent you she will send you another letter and

a

> poem. It is like an ongoing cycle.

>

[Guest guest]

> I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing letters to

us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness and

>outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common theme

with borderlines?

my nada much prefered confrontation...she knew we were whipped and would say

whatever she wanted/needed us to say just to shut her up and have her leave

us alone

Jackie

[Guest guest]

My nada rarely wrote at all, she was much happier with drama in

person. I can't picture her taking the effort at direct communication

even if it would be self-absorbed insanity (but, especially lately,

I've seen plenty of this from the other person with huge bpd traits in

my life.) She does like to spend time making greeting cards

personalized for family members, then make a big deal about did we get

them, meaning fawn, fawn now, gush, praise my efforts, acknowledge the

work it took and feel bad about it too while you're at it, after all I

did it just for *you*...). After seeing the laundry lists of all the

things I've done wrong and how all the harm is due to my faults, and

having them appear more than daily for a solid month, I can't tell you

how my heart goes out to those of you who've had this for a lifetime.

I used to wish for more attention (love) from nada, now I see what I

wasn't missing...

>

> Hi all- After reading through many posts and thinking about my own

> situation I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing letters to

> us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness and

> outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common theme

> with borderlines? Has anyone else noticed this with their BP? It

> seemed like everytime time I came home from college there would be a 5

> page letter on my bed telling me how awful I am for going to college

> and leaving her there, how much I've changed and dissapointment from

> it, etc. Then after college was more letter in the mail pouring her

> heart out of how she needs to stop living her life by letting others

> put her down all the time, etc. I can't count how many letters I've

> gotten from her! Anyone else?

>

[Guest guest]

thunk2much:

I can relate -- the live drama is too tempting for the BPD. My nada

is currently calling other family members, boo-hooing about how I

don't call her, but won't pick up that same phone and call me. I

can almost hear it now " But, why can't she call ME??? I've just

lost my mother!!! I'm the bigger victim here!!! Notice ME! Pity

ME!

She'd rather build some drama -- add that to her " Why I'm a Victim "

list. She thrives on pity and victimhood. Meanwhile, every day

ticks by, wasted by this addiction.

I've come to realize that being a pity victim serves at least two

purposes: 1) choreographs her interactions with people, especially

the ones who feel pity for her; and 2) keeps her from having to

build her own life for herself. She can just wallow in pity and

victimhood and it protects her from having to go out and live.

I remember reading in " Understanding the Borderline Mother " that the

WORST thing you can do for a Waif is give her pity. Now I see why:

it just perpetuates her hide-from-life game. It delays her having

to get off her ass and go out a live, to strike out and reach goals,

to have give and take relationships with people, etc. The stuff of

life.

People who build the life they want for themselves know how to set

goals and have the confidence to reach for them. I think my waif

nada is so terrified of carving out her niche, that she retreats

into the victim role to keep from having to do it. Tragic, really.

It's a waste of the gift of life.

-Kyla

> >

> > Hi all- After reading through many posts and thinking about my

own

> > situation I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing

letters to

> > us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness

and

> > outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common

theme

> > with borderlines? Has anyone else noticed this with their BP?

It

> > seemed like everytime time I came home from college there would

be a 5

> > page letter on my bed telling me how awful I am for going to

college

> > and leaving her there, how much I've changed and dissapointment

from

> > it, etc. Then after college was more letter in the mail pouring

her

> > heart out of how she needs to stop living her life by letting

others

> > put her down all the time, etc. I can't count how many letters

I've

> > gotten from her! Anyone else?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello all. It's been a week or so since my last post.

I have achieved over 10 days of NC with nada. I went

to my PCP last week thinking I needed an anti-anxiety

med regarding my plan for detachment, but MD would not

prescribe it to me as I am nursing my son. He

suggested therapy instead for stress management. I

have felt a lot calmer with NC from nada. I e-mailed

nada's only friend on east coast and brother and now

herf riend is acting as her pseudo conservator with

brothers money. Nada is too good to work and she

fights with everyone when at any job. She was

diagnosed with depression, possible ADD and a possible

personality disorder (duh) 2 weeks ago by

psychiatrist. I heard she is trying to get social

security disability and then will be leaving the same

state we curently both live it. I can only pray she

moves away. I have requested NC with nada's only

friend and FOO. So far so good. One day at a time.

Thanks for listening.

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> thunk2much:

>

> I can relate -- the live drama is too tempting for

> the BPD. My nada

> is currently calling other family members,

> boo-hooing about how I

> don't call her, but won't pick up that same phone

> and call me. I

> can almost hear it now " But, why can't she call

> ME??? I've just

> lost my mother!!! I'm the bigger victim here!!!

> Notice ME! Pity

> ME!

>

> She'd rather build some drama -- add that to her

> " Why I'm a Victim "

> list. She thrives on pity and victimhood.

> Meanwhile, every day

> ticks by, wasted by this addiction.

>

> I've come to realize that being a pity victim serves

> at least two

> purposes: 1) choreographs her interactions with

> people, especially

> the ones who feel pity for her; and 2) keeps her

> from having to

> build her own life for herself. She can just wallow

> in pity and

> victimhood and it protects her from having to go out

> and live.

>

> I remember reading in " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " that the

> WORST thing you can do for a Waif is give her pity.

> Now I see why:

> it just perpetuates her hide-from-life game. It

> delays her having

> to get off her ass and go out a live, to strike out

> and reach goals,

> to have give and take relationships with people,

> etc. The stuff of

> life.

>

> People who build the life they want for themselves

> know how to set

> goals and have the confidence to reach for them. I

> think my waif

> nada is so terrified of carving out her niche, that

> she retreats

> into the victim role to keep from having to do it.

> Tragic, really.

> It's a waste of the gift of life.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi all- After reading through many posts and

> thinking about my

> own

> > > situation I've noticed a lot of us talk about

> our BP writing

> letters to

> > > us. Most of the time these letter consist of

> their craziness

> and

> > > outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if

> this is a common

> theme

> > > with borderlines? Has anyone else noticed this

> with their BP?

> It

> > > seemed like everytime time I came home from

> college there would

> be a 5

> > > page letter on my bed telling me how awful I am

> for going to

> college

> > > and leaving her there, how much I've changed and

> dissapointment

> from

> > > it, etc. Then after college was more letter in

> the mail pouring

> her

> > > heart out of how she needs to stop living her

> life by letting

> others

> > > put her down all the time, etc. I can't count

> how many letters

> I've

> > > gotten from her! Anyone else?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

As someone who has been a perpetual human band-aid for 4 decades this

really does hit a nerve. It makes me so sad to see this still going

on, as distanced as I am. It's so much easier to blame me and others

for the pain inside, but really, that pain was there before I got

there, and all I did was fail to fix things like I was supposed to.

It's too much to ask for, and I'm in retirement, but the longing to

rush right in and patch things is still there, and boundary setting is

still really hard for me. So letters or just spoken, the message seems

to be the same, and I'm hoping to get more numb to it daily...

> > >

> > > Hi all- After reading through many posts and thinking about my

> own

> > > situation I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing

> letters to

> > > us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness

> and

> > > outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common

> theme

> > > with borderlines? Has anyone else noticed this with their BP?

> It

> > > seemed like everytime time I came home from college there would

> be a 5

> > > page letter on my bed telling me how awful I am for going to

> college

> > > and leaving her there, how much I've changed and dissapointment

> from

> > > it, etc. Then after college was more letter in the mail pouring

> her

> > > heart out of how she needs to stop living her life by letting

> others

> > > put her down all the time, etc. I can't count how many letters

> I've

> > > gotten from her! Anyone else?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kyla,

'I can relate -- the live drama is too tempting for the BPD. My nada

is currently calling other family members, boo-hooing about how I

don't call her, but won't pick up that same phone and call me. I

can almost hear it now " But, why can't she call ME??? I've just

lost my mother!!! I'm the bigger victim here!!! Notice ME! Pity

ME!'

Something I learned in grad school: I didn't get a lot of help and support

when I was finished because my advisor didn't understand what she needed to do.

So I tried to do it on my own, independently, without asking for help -- which

made me incredibly broke and unhappy (although there is light at the end of the

tunnel now!). However, those who whined and complained that they couldn't make

it got a remarkable amount of help...including fellowships that they did not

deserve and very nice jobs. Strange equation, but true. Some people will only

help if you whine apparently.

is

Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join Yahoo!'s user

panel and lay it on

us.http://us.rd.yahoo.com/evt=48516/*http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_pane\

l_invite.asp?a=7 hot CTA = Join Yahoo!'s user panel

[Guest guest]

So true! In my family, my nada and sister no.2 (who has a lot of

BPD traits) get anything they want, right away...my sister got a big

wedding, the same year my brother was told they didn't have enough

money for him to go to college...my father just told me that sister

no.3 canot visit me because sister no.2 (who is 25 and married)

wanted my parents to buy her a plane ticket. So infuriating.

(is, I agree, I see this a lot in academia too)

Sara

>

> Hi Kyla,

>

> 'I can relate -- the live drama is too tempting for the BPD. My

nada

> is currently calling other family members, boo-hooing about how I

> don't call her, but won't pick up that same phone and call me. I

> can almost hear it now " But, why can't she call ME??? I've just

> lost my mother!!! I'm the bigger victim here!!! Notice ME! Pity

> ME!'

>

> Something I learned in grad school: I didn't get a lot of help

and support when I was finished because my advisor didn't understand

what she needed to do. So I tried to do it on my own,

independently, without asking for help -- which made me incredibly

broke and unhappy (although there is light at the end of the tunnel

now!). However, those who whined and complained that they couldn't

make it got a remarkable amount of help...including fellowships that

they did not deserve and very nice jobs. Strange equation, but

true. Some people will only help if you whine apparently.

>

> is

>

> Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join

Yahoo!'s user panel and lay it on

us.http://us.rd.yahoo.com/evt=48516/*http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs

/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7 hot CTA = Join Yahoo!'s user panel

>

>

[Guest guest]

Harding syndrome! She got another chance after falling down

in the Olympics because she stopped in the middle of her program and

went and cried to the judges about her shoelaces.

I don't know if any Olympic skater had ever DARED try that one

before her! But she " boldly whined " to the judges and got her way.

Sheesh.

-Kyla

> >

> > Hi Kyla,

> >

> > 'I can relate -- the live drama is too tempting for the BPD.

My

> nada

> > is currently calling other family members, boo-hooing about how

I

> > don't call her, but won't pick up that same phone and call me. I

> > can almost hear it now " But, why can't she call ME??? I've just

> > lost my mother!!! I'm the bigger victim here!!! Notice ME! Pity

> > ME!'

> >

> > Something I learned in grad school: I didn't get a lot of help

> and support when I was finished because my advisor didn't

understand

> what she needed to do. So I tried to do it on my own,

> independently, without asking for help -- which made me incredibly

> broke and unhappy (although there is light at the end of the

tunnel

> now!). However, those who whined and complained that they

couldn't

> make it got a remarkable amount of help...including fellowships

that

> they did not deserve and very nice jobs. Strange equation, but

> true. Some people will only help if you whine apparently.

> >

> > is

> >

> > Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join

> Yahoo!'s user panel and lay it on

>

us.http://us.rd.yahoo.com/evt=48516/*http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs

> /yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7 hot CTA = Join Yahoo!'s user panel

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I wonder if harding is BPD - that would be interesting to find out?

nan

>

> Harding syndrome! She got another chance after falling down

> in the Olympics because she stopped in the middle of her program and

> went and cried to the judges about her shoelaces.

>

> I don't know if any Olympic skater had ever DARED try that one

> before her! But she " boldly whined " to the judges and got her way.

>

> Sheesh.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

i just started reading this thread and YES it's common for Bp's...at

least from my own experience. a lot of LOOOOOONG e-mails about how

ungrateful i am, that she just can't take my abuse anymore (?), how i

use everybody and that one day people are going to figure it out,

blah, blah, blah. she stopped sending them because i never replied.

now i get random text messages/requests for my social security number????

who knows. anything to try and pry into our lives, i suppose.

-christine.

>

> > I've noticed a lot of us talk about our BP writing letters to

> us. Most of the time these letter consist of their craziness and

> >outrageous comments and acusations. I wonder if this is a common theme

> with borderlines?

>

>

>

> my nada much prefered confrontation...she knew we were whipped and

would say

> whatever she wanted/needed us to say just to shut her up and have

her leave

> us alone

>

> Jackie

>