Re: Non Suicidal or Self-Mutilating BPD. / I wish she didn't pretend to be so NICE

[Guest guest]

I hear you. My fada has improved a lot (he claims to have mellowed

with age) but sometimes this makes it worse as my guard is lower, so

when he goes off it hurts that much more because I'm not mentally

prepared for it. I've used the natural process of coping with my

career to create a managable distance between us. I still find

myself thinking he is truly changed only to have him prove me oh-so-

wrong. The good times make it tempting to lessen the distance but

it's something I have to do for myself even if it seems unfair not

to reward his 'good' behavior.

Barb

>

> The book Understanding your Borderline Mother by Ann

Lawson says that there are many BPD's who are non-suicidal and non

self-mutilating. My nada is not either of those and it's her nicey-

nice behaviour that infuriates me the most now. Her rages and

sarcasm have been hurtful, but she goes to great lengths to cover it

up with invasive smothering. This makes it difficult to set

boundaries because she claims to be a victim. Although she is

sarcastic and my family walks on egg-shells around her, her

behaviour is much less intense than it was in the past (possibly

because she is 67). In spite of this I am about to go NC, at least

temporarily, because having a relationship with her is affecting my

health. I still have post-traumatic syptems, even though I have had

a lot of therapy and I can’t stand living with the lies and

delusions any longer. I actually wish she were as bad now as she was

in the past because I would feel more justified and less guilty.

>

> Does anyone relate to this?

>

> Rae

>

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[Guest guest]

Jae,

I do relate to this. My nada is also somewhat mellower now...I'm not

sure if it's age or just a lack of stimulus, since my brother and I

live so far away now that we're grown. We even had a 5 day visit at

Xmas which didn't involve any fighting! (Partly, I think that's

because I had a friend's family here too...and she's always on her

best behavior in front of strangers.)

So my guard was really down when they visited me this past week and we

had a big fight. Part of me thinks...why couldn't I just control

myself and not engage and go straight to the apologies? It's not like

I have to live through these episodes on a daily basis like when I was

growing up...but still, it opens up all the old wounds, and it fills

me with that suffocating feeling of " This is never going to end! I'm

never going to escape! " , just like when I was a prisoner in my parents

house so many years ago!

As I said in another post, even her compliments make me feel sick,

because I can see her sickness reflected in them. And when she's

around my baby and likes to reminisce about how much she " enjoyed

raising her children " , I feel so angry I want to just beat her to

death!

-Becky

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The book Understanding your Borderline Mother by Ann Lawson says

> that there are many BPD's who are non-suicidal and non self-mutilating. My

> nada is not either of those and it's her nicey-nice behaviour that

> infuriates me the most now. Her rages and sarcasm have been hurtful, but she

> goes to great lengths to cover it up with invasive smothering. This makes it

> difficult to set boundaries because she claims to be a victim. Although she

> is sarcastic and my family walks on egg-shells around her, her behaviour is

> much less intense than it was in the past (possibly because she is 67). In

> spite of this I am about to go NC, at least temporarily, because having a

> relationship with her is affecting my health. I still have post-traumatic

> syptems, even though I have had a lot of therapy and I can’t stand living

> with the lies and delusions any longer. I actually wish she were as bad now

> as she was in the past because I would feel more justified and less guilty.

>

> Does anyone relate to this?

>

> Rae

> __________________________________________________________

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>

[Guest guest]

>

> The book Understanding your Borderline Mother by Ann

Lawson says that there are many BPD's who are non-suicidal and non

self-mutilating. My nada is not either of those and it's her nicey-

nice behaviour that infuriates me the most now. Her rages and sarcasm

have been hurtful, but she goes to great lengths to cover it up with

invasive smothering. This makes it difficult to set boundaries

because she claims to be a victim. Although she is sarcastic and my

family walks on egg-shells around her, her behaviour is much less

intense than it was in the past (possibly because she is 67). In

spite of this I am about to go NC, at least temporarily, because

having a relationship with her is affecting my health. I still have

post-traumatic syptems, even though I have had a lot of therapy and I

can’t stand living with the lies and delusions any longer. I

actually wish she were as bad now as she was in the past because I

would feel more justified and less guilty.

>

> Does anyone relate to this?

>

> Rae

>

______________________________________________________________________

__

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > The book Understanding your Borderline Mother by Ann

> Lawson says that there are many BPD's who are non-suicidal and non

> self-mutilating. My nada is not either of those and it's her nicey-

> nice behaviour that infuriates me the most now. Her rages and

sarcasm

> have been hurtful, but she goes to great lengths to cover it up

with

> invasive smothering. This makes it difficult to set boundaries

> because she claims to be a victim. Although she is sarcastic and my

> family walks on egg-shells around her, her behaviour is much less

> intense than it was in the past (possibly because she is 67). In

> spite of this I am about to go NC, at least temporarily, because

> having a relationship with her is affecting my health. I still have

> post-traumatic syptems, even though I have had a lot of therapy and

I

> can’t stand living with the lies and delusions any longer. I

> actually wish she were as bad now as she was in the past because I

> would feel more justified and less guilty.

> >

> > Does anyone relate to this?

> >

> > Rae

> >

>

______________________________________________________________________

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> > AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about

what's

> free from AOL at AOL.com.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes, I too can relate. Whenever nada was alone with

me and unfortunately my infant son, she would go off,

but not in front of my husband. I too suffer from

PTSD. I also suffer from anxiety. Sucks.

--- lisahodyas wrote:

>

> >

> > The book Understanding your Borderline Mother by

> Ann

> Lawson says that there are many BPD's who are

> non-suicidal and non

> self-mutilating. My nada is not either of those and

> it's her nicey-

> nice behaviour that infuriates me the most now. Her

> rages and sarcasm

> have been hurtful, but she goes to great lengths to

> cover it up with

> invasive smothering. This makes it difficult to set

> boundaries

> because she claims to be a victim. Although she is

> sarcastic and my

> family walks on egg-shells around her, her behaviour

> is much less

> intense than it was in the past (possibly because

> she is 67). In

> spite of this I am about to go NC, at least

> temporarily, because

> having a relationship with her is affecting my

> health. I still have

> post-traumatic syptems, even though I have had a lot

> of therapy and I

> can’t stand living with the lies and delusions any

> longer. I

> actually wish she were as bad now as she was in the

> past because I

> would feel more justified and less guilty.

> >

> > Does anyone relate to this?

> >

> > Rae

> >

>

______________________________________________________________________

> __

> > AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out

> more about what's

> free from AOL at AOL.com.

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

> >

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Dear Rae,

I completely identify with this! the term " invasive smothering "

really captures it my mother's attempts at nicey-nice. I have

recently realized that this behavior, on top of being super-

irritating because it's even more difficult to object to than

sarcasm or rages, is very much intended to make me the " child " and

to try to either remind me about what a nurturing, mother she is/was

or to elicit admissions from me about any problems in my life. Then

she will again feel in control.

My nada has never self-mutilated or been suicidal to the best of my

knowledge. I used to think that some of her comments about " I can't

live with this " or " one day I'll be dead and you'll be sorry " were

some species of threat, but at the moment I think they are just

reminders to me of how responsible for her life she woudl like me to

be.

Anyway, I too cannot put up with the behavior - I am pretty LC, not

quite NC. Whatever the manifestation, clearly for you her behavior

crosses a line ( " invasive smothering " ) and may even be intended to

elicit this reaction from you. You have a right to protect your

boundaries, and your health.

Good luck!

Sara

>

> The book Understanding your Borderline Mother by Ann

Lawson says that there are many BPD's who are non-suicidal and non

self-mutilating. My nada is not either of those and it's her nicey-

nice behaviour that infuriates me the most now. Her rages and

sarcasm have been hurtful, but she goes to great lengths to cover it

up with invasive smothering. This makes it difficult to set

boundaries because she claims to be a victim. Although she is

sarcastic and my family walks on egg-shells around her, her

behaviour is much less intense than it was in the past (possibly

because she is 67). In spite of this I am about to go NC, at least

temporarily, because having a relationship with her is affecting my

health. I still have post-traumatic syptems, even though I have had

a lot of therapy and I can’t stand living with the lies and

delusions any longer. I actually wish she were as bad now as she was

in the past because I would feel more justified and less guilty.

>

> Does anyone relate to this?

>

> Rae

>

_____________________________________________________________________

___

> AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's

free from AOL at AOL.com.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It took me forever to figure out that not everyone does that! I used

to be so worried about what people 'really' thought about me, because

I thought everyone was nice to my face, but talked about me behind my

back just like nada did.

Sylvia

I can totally relate to every word! I hated

> the show of niceness that was displayed for others and as soon as

> they were gone she turned into an evil witch when it was just me.

........

[Guest guest]

I was totally different..I never cared what others thought of me..I ddn't do

mean stuff, but if they didn't like me, it never really mattered to

me...nada was always SO concerned what others thought, I guess I could see

how ridicules it was, and decided at a yound age it wasn't going to be

important to me. Drives nada nuts...when she tells me " what will others

think? " and I say " I don't care! " I'm more like my dad..a loner..I don't

need people..if they like me, great, if they don't, well, I'll stay out of

their way...

Jackie

It took me forever to figure out that not everyone does that! I used

to be so worried about what people 'really' thought about me, because

I thought everyone was nice to my face, but talked about me behind my

back just like nada did.

Sylvia