New to this... sorry so long

[Guest guest]

I have been looking for a board like this one to hopefully find some

answers. I am convinced my mother suffers from BPD, however, she

will never admit any fault of her own. I am so confused and

sometimes think I am the crazy one. I need some validation that

these behaviors are not acceptable..

- 5 -10 calls per day (at home, at work, on my cell) It never stops!

- Emotionally needy - always playing the victim

- Very dramatic over small things (her house was egged and she just

about " freaked out " told my husband and I that if we would visit her

more this would have never happened....called the police...etc.

- Stalks my family...frequently drives by my work and house.

Sometimes parks down the street and waits for us to get home. Then

drives up and says " Hi " as if her behavior is not bizarre.

- Calls my kid's schools, baby sitters, and other extra curricular

events asking how my kids are doing. Of course this embarrasses my

husband and I

- Frequently puts others down and demonstrates extreme jealousy

- If a friend of mine buys a gift for one of my children and it

happens to be the same gift my mom purchased, she will ask me to

call my friend and ask to return their gift so my kids are not

confused by who they received the gift from....very strange???

I could go on and on and on and on...I have been living out of fear

for years, keeping her in my life just to ensure she does not explode

on me. Brainwashed, I am sure, by her telling me I am going to hell

if I disrespect her...that I am going to die and early life...that

my " brief " encounter with cancer was a direct result of how I treat

her. I am exhausted and finally told her , after years of emotional

abuse, that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not return her

calls until she changes her behavior. Well, that put her in a tail

spin and she freaked out again blaming everyone under the moon but

herself. I have not spoken with her in a month and did not call her

on mother's day. She, however, continues to call albeit less

frequent. Is she finally getting what I am saying?

I consider myself a very emotionally strong, successful mother and

business woman...but my mother can always bring me to my knees.

Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

really need help and support.

[Guest guest]

<<Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

really need help and support.>>

Sounds BPD to me; black hole of neediness. If you haven't already, pick up

a copy of _Understanding the Borderline Mother_. May provide some validation

for you, and possibly some clarity on where to go next.

************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

[Guest guest]

Hello, justessforall,

and welcome to this group. I also just joined, and it has been great

to finally hear from people who have had the same experiences as me.

It does sound very much like your mother is BPD...never admitting any

fault of her own is a classic symptom!

I also consider myself strong and successful, but I have a complete

breakdown anytime I have contact with my mother. It's very dangerous

to fall into the trap of thinking, " Is she finally getting what I'm

saying? " ...because I really don't believe that is possible. Even if

she has some lucid moments when somewhere deep in her unconcious mind

she might have some ability self-reflection, you can be sure that once

you call her and she feels you are safely in her control again, she

will turn on you! At least that has been my experience....

I'm very sad to hear about your cancer and how unsupportive your

mother was during such a stressful time. I hope that you are

recovering OK. Even though my mother has never been there for me in

my entire life, somehow it still surprises me when she isn't there for

me in a real crisis. For example, I gave birth 6 months ago and had

to have a C-section. My father told me before the birth that if I

needed help, they could come up and help me. Of course I said " no,

thanks! " , but after the C-section I couldn't even get out of bed to

feed my own baby, and my husband couldn't get off work for the first

week I was home, so I called and asked if they could come up after

all. My mom said she didn't want to because she had already made

dinner plans with her friend. And of course my dad, although he was

really upset, just couldn't get in a fight with her about it! So my

brother called my mom and told her she was a bitch, and then she

called me and was really mad at me for complaining about her to my

brother. I said, " you wouldn't even help me, or even let my dad help

me, after I had surgery! " At this, she started crying and said,

" Nobody loves me! If I had surgery, nobody would come to help me! " .

You see, there is no way to win. I hope you will be able to come to

terms, it's still so hard for me.

-Becky

>

>

>

>

>

>

> I have been looking for a board like this one to hopefully find some

> answers. I am convinced my mother suffers from BPD, however, she

> will never admit any fault of her own. I am so confused and

> sometimes think I am the crazy one. I need some validation that

> these behaviors are not acceptable..

> - 5 -10 calls per day (at home, at work, on my cell) It never stops!

> - Emotionally needy - always playing the victim

> - Very dramatic over small things (her house was egged and she just

> about " freaked out " told my husband and I that if we would visit her

> more this would have never happened....called the police...etc.

> - Stalks my family...frequently drives by my work and house.

> Sometimes parks down the street and waits for us to get home. Then

> drives up and says " Hi " as if her behavior is not bizarre.

> - Calls my kid's schools, baby sitters, and other extra curricular

> events asking how my kids are doing. Of course this embarrasses my

> husband and I

> - Frequently puts others down and demonstrates extreme jealousy

> - If a friend of mine buys a gift for one of my children and it

> happens to be the same gift my mom purchased, she will ask me to

> call my friend and ask to return their gift so my kids are not

> confused by who they received the gift from....very strange???

>

> I could go on and on and on and on...I have been living out of fear

> for years, keeping her in my life just to ensure she does not explode

> on me. Brainwashed, I am sure, by her telling me I am going to hell

> if I disrespect her...that I am going to die and early life...that

> my " brief " encounter with cancer was a direct result of how I treat

> her. I am exhausted and finally told her , after years of emotional

> abuse, that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not return her

> calls until she changes her behavior. Well, that put her in a tail

> spin and she freaked out again blaming everyone under the moon but

> herself. I have not spoken with her in a month and did not call her

> on mother's day. She, however, continues to call albeit less

> frequent. Is she finally getting what I am saying?

> I consider myself a very emotionally strong, successful mother and

> business woman...but my mother can always bring me to my knees.

> Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

> family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

> really need help and support.

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> <<Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

> family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

> really need help and support.>>

>

>

> Sounds BPD to me; black hole of neediness. If you haven't

already, pick up

> a copy of _Understanding the Borderline Mother_. May provide some

validation

> for you, and possibly some clarity on where to go next.

>

>

>

> ************************************** See what's free at

http://www.aol.com.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh boy, you said it all. " You just can not win " That is exactly how

I feel. Strangely, my mom is a bit different in that she would do

anything for me in a crisis. When I was sick ( one week after my

daughter was born) she came over everyday and while my husband took

me to the doctors. She was actually GREAT!!! I could not believe

it, however, once I recovered and we all learned I was going to be

o.k. she went right back to her old ways. You know, the " Poor Mes "

and only if I did this...or my brother did this....or my Dad did not

divorce her....everyone's fault, but hers. Then when I can not take

it anymore I avoid her...do not return calls...can not talk to her

because my blood boils. Who does she think she is???? That she is

soooo special that we all have a " plot " against her. When I avoid

her, the hurtful comments come flying... " your husband is brainwashing

you against me " .... " You better stop or you are going to get sick

again " ....and then the next day her messages are nice again. UGH!!!!

Sounds like you have it bad as well. The whole C-section thing is

almost unforgivable. One thing they have in common is they feel the

world revolves around them. Do you keep communication with your mom,

or have you cut her off?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I have been looking for a board like this one to hopefully find

some

> > answers. I am convinced my mother suffers from BPD, however, she

> > will never admit any fault of her own. I am so confused and

> > sometimes think I am the crazy one. I need some validation that

> > these behaviors are not acceptable..

> > - 5 -10 calls per day (at home, at work, on my cell) It never

stops!

> > - Emotionally needy - always playing the victim

> > - Very dramatic over small things (her house was egged and she

just

> > about " freaked out " told my husband and I that if we would visit

her

> > more this would have never happened....called the police...etc.

> > - Stalks my family...frequently drives by my work and house.

> > Sometimes parks down the street and waits for us to get home.

Then

> > drives up and says " Hi " as if her behavior is not bizarre.

> > - Calls my kid's schools, baby sitters, and other extra

curricular

> > events asking how my kids are doing. Of course this embarrasses

my

> > husband and I

> > - Frequently puts others down and demonstrates extreme jealousy

> > - If a friend of mine buys a gift for one of my children and it

> > happens to be the same gift my mom purchased, she will ask me to

> > call my friend and ask to return their gift so my kids are not

> > confused by who they received the gift from....very strange???

> >

> > I could go on and on and on and on...I have been living out of

fear

> > for years, keeping her in my life just to ensure she does not

explode

> > on me. Brainwashed, I am sure, by her telling me I am going to

hell

> > if I disrespect her...that I am going to die and early

life...that

> > my " brief " encounter with cancer was a direct result of how I

treat

> > her. I am exhausted and finally told her , after years of

emotional

> > abuse, that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not return

her

> > calls until she changes her behavior. Well, that put her in a

tail

> > spin and she freaked out again blaming everyone under the moon

but

> > herself. I have not spoken with her in a month and did not call

her

> > on mother's day. She, however, continues to call albeit less

> > frequent. Is she finally getting what I am saying?

> > I consider myself a very emotionally strong, successful mother

and

> > business woman...but my mother can always bring me to my knees.

> > Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

> > family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

> > really need help and support.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, !

No, I'm not NC, but I'm taking a break from my mom right now. I just

can't go NC because I love my dad so dearly, but he cannot break free

of that relationship, and I don't feel that it's fair of me to expect

him to.

I actually find the neglect a lot easier to deal with. When I really

sit down and think about it, it's way better to be neglected than to

be paid attention to by these people! It's when my nada gets angry at

me for no reason that I really get upset.

-Becky

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Oh boy, you said it all. " You just can not win " That is exactly how

> I feel. Strangely, my mom is a bit different in that she would do

> anything for me in a crisis. When I was sick ( one week after my

> daughter was born) she came over everyday and while my husband took

> me to the doctors. She was actually GREAT!!! I could not believe

> it, however, once I recovered and we all learned I was going to be

> o.k. she went right back to her old ways. You know, the " Poor Mes "

> and only if I did this...or my brother did this....or my Dad did not

> divorce her....everyone's fault, but hers. Then when I can not take

> it anymore I avoid her...do not return calls...can not talk to her

> because my blood boils. Who does she think she is???? That she is

> soooo special that we all have a " plot " against her. When I avoid

> her, the hurtful comments come flying... " your husband is brainwashing

> you against me " .... " You better stop or you are going to get sick

> again " ....and then the next day her messages are nice again. UGH!!!!

>

> Sounds like you have it bad as well. The whole C-section thing is

> almost unforgivable. One thing they have in common is they feel the

> world revolves around them. Do you keep communication with your mom,

> or have you cut her off?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You know, as horrible as this story is about the C-section, I find it

oddly comforting that my mom is not the only one who does this kind of

thing. For example, she was fired from her teaching job for smacking

a child - twice . This, she claimed, was my fault, since the child

reminded her of me. The child had complained to the authorities when

mom hit her the first time, just like I spoke out as an adult about

the abuse in my family. So, clearly, it was my fault that she had to

hit the child, and that she lost her job.

Then she burst into tears, blamed everyone but herself, and demanded

my sympathy for her sufferings. Ooooo-kay.

You hit it, " you just can't win " with someone like that.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I have been looking for a board like this one to hopefully find

> some

> > > answers. I am convinced my mother suffers from BPD, however, she

> > > will never admit any fault of her own. I am so confused and

> > > sometimes think I am the crazy one. I need some validation that

> > > these behaviors are not acceptable..

> > > - 5 -10 calls per day (at home, at work, on my cell) It never

> stops!

> > > - Emotionally needy - always playing the victim

> > > - Very dramatic over small things (her house was egged and she

> just

> > > about " freaked out " told my husband and I that if we would visit

> her

> > > more this would have never happened....called the police...etc.

> > > - Stalks my family...frequently drives by my work and house.

> > > Sometimes parks down the street and waits for us to get home.

> Then

> > > drives up and says " Hi " as if her behavior is not bizarre.

> > > - Calls my kid's schools, baby sitters, and other extra

> curricular

> > > events asking how my kids are doing. Of course this embarrasses

> my

> > > husband and I

> > > - Frequently puts others down and demonstrates extreme jealousy

> > > - If a friend of mine buys a gift for one of my children and it

> > > happens to be the same gift my mom purchased, she will ask me to

> > > call my friend and ask to return their gift so my kids are not

> > > confused by who they received the gift from....very strange???

> > >

> > > I could go on and on and on and on...I have been living out of

> fear

> > > for years, keeping her in my life just to ensure she does not

> explode

> > > on me. Brainwashed, I am sure, by her telling me I am going to

> hell

> > > if I disrespect her...that I am going to die and early

> life...that

> > > my " brief " encounter with cancer was a direct result of how I

> treat

> > > her. I am exhausted and finally told her , after years of

> emotional

> > > abuse, that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not return

> her

> > > calls until she changes her behavior. Well, that put her in a

> tail

> > > spin and she freaked out again blaming everyone under the moon

> but

> > > herself. I have not spoken with her in a month and did not call

> her

> > > on mother's day. She, however, continues to call albeit less

> > > frequent. Is she finally getting what I am saying?

> > > I consider myself a very emotionally strong, successful mother

> and

> > > business woman...but my mother can always bring me to my knees.

> > > Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

> > > family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

> > > really need help and support.

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing, lettydale.

I also feel comforted by stories about other people's mothers' bad behavior.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> You know, as horrible as this story is about the C-section, I find it

> oddly comforting that my mom is not the only one who does this kind of

> thing. For example, she was fired from her teaching job for smacking

> a child - twice . This, she claimed, was my fault, since the child

> reminded her of me. The child had complained to the authorities when

> mom hit her the first time, just like I spoke out as an adult about

> the abuse in my family. So, clearly, it was my fault that she had to

> hit the child, and that she lost her job.

>

> Then she burst into tears, blamed everyone but herself, and demanded

> my sympathy for her sufferings. Ooooo-kay.

>

> You hit it, " you just can't win " with someone like that.

>

>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I have been looking for a board like this one to hopefully find

> > some

> > > > answers. I am convinced my mother suffers from BPD, however, she

> > > > will never admit any fault of her own. I am so confused and

> > > > sometimes think I am the crazy one. I need some validation that

> > > > these behaviors are not acceptable..

> > > > - 5 -10 calls per day (at home, at work, on my cell) It never

> > stops!

> > > > - Emotionally needy - always playing the victim

> > > > - Very dramatic over small things (her house was egged and she

> > just

> > > > about " freaked out " told my husband and I that if we would visit

> > her

> > > > more this would have never happened....called the police...etc.

> > > > - Stalks my family...frequently drives by my work and house.

> > > > Sometimes parks down the street and waits for us to get home.

> > Then

> > > > drives up and says " Hi " as if her behavior is not bizarre.

> > > > - Calls my kid's schools, baby sitters, and other extra

> > curricular

> > > > events asking how my kids are doing. Of course this embarrasses

> > my

> > > > husband and I

> > > > - Frequently puts others down and demonstrates extreme jealousy

> > > > - If a friend of mine buys a gift for one of my children and it

> > > > happens to be the same gift my mom purchased, she will ask me to

> > > > call my friend and ask to return their gift so my kids are not

> > > > confused by who they received the gift from....very strange???

> > > >

> > > > I could go on and on and on and on...I have been living out of

> > fear

> > > > for years, keeping her in my life just to ensure she does not

> > explode

> > > > on me. Brainwashed, I am sure, by her telling me I am going to

> > hell

> > > > if I disrespect her...that I am going to die and early

> > life...that

> > > > my " brief " encounter with cancer was a direct result of how I

> > treat

> > > > her. I am exhausted and finally told her , after years of

> > emotional

> > > > abuse, that her behavior is unacceptable and I will not return

> > her

> > > > calls until she changes her behavior. Well, that put her in a

> > tail

> > > > spin and she freaked out again blaming everyone under the moon

> > but

> > > > herself. I have not spoken with her in a month and did not call

> > her

> > > > on mother's day. She, however, continues to call albeit less

> > > > frequent. Is she finally getting what I am saying?

> > > > I consider myself a very emotionally strong, successful mother

> > and

> > > > business woman...but my mother can always bring me to my knees.

> > > > Always in financial distress...medical worries...no friends...no

> > > > family...no significant other. UGH!!! I know I am rambling, but I

> > > > really need help and support.

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>