Re: Re: Just feeling a bit desperate

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I keep forgetting to get on this e-mail and read the posts--which is crazy because they always help me so much! My heart goes out to M. Part of me thinks she should cut and run. I've been married to a man with Asperger's for almost 33 years. It has only been in the last few years that I realized he fits this diagnosis. I appreciate the remarks about how to ask for what you want, such as "I would really like it if..." I keep forgetting and approach from a NT perspective that gets us into an argument.

I think M should give up on the idea of her man eventually getting her easier surprises. I just don't know if he is capable of it. My husband has done it on only a few occasions in all of these years and doesn't want to be expected to do anything for any occasion. He does not give me cards or gifts for my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, etc. That is embarrassing to me when others ask what he gave me. However, I have said to him at times that I would like for us to go out for dinner for my birthday and we negotiate a time to do that. There have been times in the past when I have said that I think it would be fun if we were to take a little trip instead of exchanging gifts and make a suggestion of where. Or suggest that we go to a movie or to a particular event. I cannot say I want to do something and leave it up to him to come up with something. Not only does he have trouble coming up with

something, but he is likely to get angry about it.

Fortunately, I have some friends who have loved ones with the diagnosis and talking with them helps me get back on track. My husband never seems to care when I go away and it never changes what he wants to do during the time leading up to my departure. He is going to do whatever he wanted to do during that time. However, when he goes away for more than a couple days, I can tell that he wants to be back home with me. He even calls and sounds more loving.

I had hoped that he would mellow more as he got older. Maybe he has but he is also more entrenched in his rituals, too. He is less likely to go places that make him uncomfortable and that adds up to most of the time.

When I have people over (which he is usually okay with as long as he is not obligated to stick around), he comes and goes. People don't understand that, but there's nothing I can do about it. I also remind myself that it is more important for him to be happy than for my guests to be "happy." As he gets more comfortable with the particular people, he usually ends up pulling up a chair and joining in a conversation.

Another behavior that gets to me is his focus during conversations. If there are three people in a conversation, he almost always picks out one person and just focuses onthat person to the exclusion to others, especially if the other is me. I have taken that very personally. I still struggle with it, but I also know that he cannot help it. He seems to always be on a mission (to get somewhere, to accomplish a task, to find something out, or to get an opinion) and he doesn't want me interfering with that mission. He gets involved in conversations for a reason--not just to be talking with someone. Someone that he pays a lot of attention to during one of these conversations may be someone that he turns around and complains about to me a short while later. Then the next day he will totally talk like he never had that first opinion. He swings from one end to the other in his opinions of people and I have to

take it all kind of lightly.

One has to be very good at self-care, reaching out to others, and accepting life as it comes in order to tolerate a relationship with someone with Asperger's (in my opinion). I struggle frequently with the idea that I am foolish for staying. But there is a lot to lose by leaving. I know that I love him and he drives me crazy at the same time. I am happiest, though, when I get on with my life. As they say in Al-Anon, "Get off his back, get out of his way, get on with your own life." That fits my situation to a tee.

Sandy

Subject: Re: Just feeling a bit desperateTo: aspires-relationships Date: Wednesday, June 13, 2012, 9:40 AM

Hi Special, Just chipping in my bit here. I really appreciate and identify with what you have written here, and I am probably just a couple of baby steps ahead (ish!).I have Bipolar, so I can really identify with having strong feelings, and feeling overwhelmed too. I also grew up with a rather unhinged mother, with borderline traits, but remains undiagnosed. She's also an alcoholic.I really appreciate what the other's have written, and I must say it's really helpful to me. My hubby has been going through an 'unbending' returning to unhelpful aspie behaviours after being really successful in adjusting some of them, to be more supportive. As I say to him, 'you are only part aspie - the rest is NT!' and it's true, because given the right approach, he's able to look at himself and our relationship objectively and behave quite 'normally' and says that it makes him happy! So the return to the old habits does mystify us

both.What has changed is my ability to appropriately challenge that behaviour, such as moaning when I buy myself a new coat and trainers (both reduced but too expensive in his eyes) through to being obnoxious and taking his stress out on me. I have learned to establish boundaries to defend myself and assert my value in the relationship, as like many other women here, I do a lot for him, which often goes unrecognised. Looking after myself has been basic, but helps - like eating regular meals, not resorting to a bottle of wine to be able to switch off like he can! and remembering to be graceful. I was seeing a state psychiatrist, and when I left, I decided to continue with counselling, and found a counsellor who adjusted her fees according to what you can afford,and over the last 2.5-3years, she has been fantastic as a support, and well worth the money. Jon now is happy to pay towards this, as he sees the benefits himself. We even did some

sessions (about 8) of couples counselling, which really helped too. It helped us both understand eachother much better, although Jon does need a lot of reminding at times, as he doesn't seem to be able to retain this information for too long. That does perplex me, as he can retain oodles of information on subjects that interest him! I have told him that he must make our relationship a special interest, and he's working on it!I also write in a battered old book. I write in it very little these days, largely because I cope day to day much better, but it really helped me when feeling overwhelmed, as I would write until it made sense, and I even ended up with bullet points, and plans for what I would do about things, so it was very helpful. I did warn hubby not to read it though, as it's just over emotional bilge that a: he probably wouldn't understand and b: he would find deeply offensive; so he stays clear of that book.Looking forward from

here, things are far more balanced. We're moving to Germany, which is a big pressure, but we're coping ok, and I make sure he recognises all the things I am doing to make this work, whilst he just goes to work, then he'll stop work, get about 2 weeks off, then start at a new job. That's enough for him, and he does try to support me when I am feeling overwhelmed by practical contributions like washing, or hoovering. And I must remember to thank him and praise him when he does, because in his world that's a massive gesture, so I have to remember that.My biggest priority though, was to find a therapist in Germany, who speaks english, which I have done, and that will continue my counselling, to keep me sane.Must go, lots to do!Take care and I hope you have fantastic break. Cherish yourself!xx> > > > > M: Greetings:> > > > > > It sounds like life is over

whelming you at this moment. I have had this list for a long time and your story is very similar of "some" NT spouses. Some options are reading books and articles geared towards NT spouses. Another option is to seek counseling or support for YOU. A good counselor or therapist can help you sort out the issues and concentrate on YOU and not your spouse. Where do you see yourself in 6 months? What are your dreams and ambition? Do you see yourself growing old with him? There are a zillion questions to ask to help you rethink your life at the present moment. You cannot change your partner, all you can do it change yourself. He is a big boy and responsible for himself and his behavior as much as you are in this relationship. Maybe you should take a break and concentrate on YOU for a while. What do you want out of this relationship? What needs do you need to have met to continue on? It is NOT selfish to say, "It is all about me". Do you see yourself in a care

taker role? Some do, and are happy in this role. What does "M" want?> > > > > > I guess the real question is, what do YOU want out of this relationship and what is non-negotiable? Think about this and make a list. It will help you to set healthy boundaries for yourself and partner. He should do the same.> > > > > > Just my 2 cents worth.> > > > > > > > >> >>

[Guest guest]

Sandy Culp wrote:

> I keep forgetting to get on this e-mail and read the posts--which is

> crazy because they always help me so much! My heart goes out to M. Part

> of me thinks she should cut and run. I've been married to a man with

> Asperger's for almost 33 years. It has only been in the last few years

> that I realized he fits this diagnosis.

[ snip ]

It might be helpful, a little, for you, " M " and others on this List to

know that there *are* couples who *have made* AS/NT/?? relationships

work. My wife and me are among them: 45 years and counting.

I've known all my life something was " different " about me. Until a

decade ago, I didn't know (we didn't know) there was a name for the

difference. That was the beginning of the turn-around in our sometimes

very difficult marriage. And the start of a continuing, truly warm,

wonderful and *satisfying* life for us both.

It *can* be done! But it does take *two* - together.

- Bill, AS " officially " , (age 80; wife 70)

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm