Re: More mothers day blues

[Guest guest]

I actually wrote a paper on a few 18th century art pieces, some of

which depicted common at-home scenes. one of my questions was if the

people looking at those paintings several centuries ago felt just as

inadequate as we feel looking at norman rockwell and the brady bunch.

I don't think that anyone has the relationship that we see on TV,

remember, they're actors, they get paid to look that happy, and half

the time they can't stand each other either. Advertisers make their

money making us feel bad about who we are so we buy into their

mythology to feel better. Granted, not everyone shakes on their way to

mothers day tea and contemplates strong drink in the parking lot of

her apartment, but they're not all hallmark commercials.

i actually found the perfect card after sifting through cards that

made me want to sick up with " I want to pass to my children what you

taught me " , " everything you did makes me a better person " crap.

It said " This day is all about you. (inside) Wonderful You. " She

thought it was funny, but I don't think she realized the full irony of

the situation, which made it funny for me too.

Delta

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Yes, all that you are seeing out there is an idealized and a

commercialized version of motherhood. But regardless, there are

many people who do have loving memories and feelings for their

parents. i think I read somewhere that BPD affects about 10% of the

population. But there are other types of personality disorders, and

other types of dysfunction that affect parents and therefore also

affect families. I have no idea how many 'truely happy' families

are out there. But I have seen that as I became healthier, I met

more people with healthy families. Now I know people with all sorts

of family backgrounds, from very happy to very, very dysfunctional.

What seems to be important to me is what kind of family I create -

for myself and for my children. I was not as good a mother as I

wanted to be, I was plagued by depression and had many insecurities

coming from being raised by my BPD mother and dishrag dad. However,

my children always knew that they were loved - I told them and

showed them.

It is also very important to be true to yourself - because your foo

was not. If they ignored, denied, minimized the abuse you suffered,

then they were not true to you. As painful as it is, it is

important to recognize that this day was hard for you - and why it

was hard. Comfort and console yourself. And I hope that in the

future you do not feel you have to pretend feelings that you do not

have.

It helps to analyze - but if you are doing it at the expense of

denying or ignoring your feelings, then you are probably still

hurting yourself. I don't think those feelings will go away by

being ignored. I think the pain is because you are still hurting,

and the hurt will go away when you have done enough to heal

yourself.

Take care - be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

>

> Today I'm assaulted from all directions of visions of the

idealized

> mother. It's on the main page of almost every website I go

too.

> It's all over the television. That JCPenny's ad with the mother

who

> smiles while letting her daughter's hand go so she can join her

> friends and grow up especially twists the knife for me.

>

> And I wonder....what percentage of people really do have healthy

> relationships with their mothers? I always feel so alone at this

> time and it so wonderful for there to be lists like this to come

too

> to know I am not. Yet I wonder, do most people have what is

depicted

> on tv and the sweet poetic cards? Is it a level of motherly

> perfection that is largely created by the greeting card companies?

>

> I like to get up in my head and analyze things, that way it

doesn't

> hurt so much somehow. Today I'm calling her and I'll play nice

like

> I've been trained to my whole life. But deep down this is a sad

day.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Sylvia and Delta for your kindness.

> >

> > Today I'm assaulted from all directions of visions of the

> idealized

> > mother. It's on the main page of almost every website I go

> too.

> > It's all over the television. That JCPenny's ad with the mother

> who

> > smiles while letting her daughter's hand go so she can join her

> > friends and grow up especially twists the knife for me.

> >

> > And I wonder....what percentage of people really do have healthy

> > relationships with their mothers? I always feel so alone at

this

> > time and it so wonderful for there to be lists like this to come

> too

> > to know I am not. Yet I wonder, do most people have what is

> depicted

> > on tv and the sweet poetic cards? Is it a level of motherly

> > perfection that is largely created by the greeting card companies?

> >

> > I like to get up in my head and analyze things, that way it

> doesn't

> > hurt so much somehow. Today I'm calling her and I'll play nice

> like

> > I've been trained to my whole life. But deep down this is a sad

> day.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

And I wonder....what percentage of people really do have healthy

relationships with their mothers? I always feel so alone at this

time and it so wonderful for there to be lists like this to come too

to know I am not. Yet I wonder, do most people have what is depicted

on tv and the sweet poetic cards? Is it a level of motherly

perfection that is largely created by the greeting card companies?

my MIL has that kind of relationship with her kids, I have 2 friends that

have that kind of relationship with their mothers, my cousins have that kind

of relationship with their mother several families worth...on both sides...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

>

> Today I'm assaulted from all directions of visions of the idealized

> mother. It's on the main page of almost every website I go too.

> It's all over the television. That JCPenny's ad with the mother

who

> smiles while letting her daughter's hand go so she can join her

> friends and grow up especially twists the knife for me.

>

> And I wonder....what percentage of people really do have healthy

> relationships with their mothers? I always feel so alone at this

> time and it so wonderful for there to be lists like this to come

too

> to know I am not. Yet I wonder, do most people have what is

depicted

> on tv and the sweet poetic cards? Is it a level of motherly

> perfection that is largely created by the greeting card companies?

>

> I like to get up in my head and analyze things, that way it doesn't

> hurt so much somehow. Today I'm calling her and I'll play nice

like

> I've been trained to my whole life. But deep down this is a sad

day.

>

>

,

You are not alone at all. I have the same experience, th Mothers'

Day suf makes me wince.

It's so easy to get angry at images of daughters feeling safe with

their mothers. Every child is born with a desire to attach to their

mother. It take something pretty powerfully negative behavior on the

part of the mothto derail that basic instinct.

I'm sad too, because my positive feeling for my mother is anything

but sweet and semtimental

Just remember, stay authentic. Let your words and actions actually

reflect you. Suppression is very toxic to your spirit. Its time to

tke care of you first.

Amy

>

[Guest guest]

My future MIL is great too. She really loves her kids. She and my gf this great,

mutually respectful relationship. My gf was in an abusive relationship for

almost 2 years (the other girl has some BPD habits) for a variety of complex

reasons, but it was her mom who was there for her and helped her get out of the

relationship and get over it. She's become a much stronger person. Likewise, her

mom had some trouble with alcohol and prescriptions and my gf took her to the

hospital, arranged her treatments and therapy and stayed with her for a few

months until she got settled in AA. Her mom thanks her all the time for that

help. I can't imagine my nada thanking me for anything!! They really both care

about eachother and, more than that, they respect each other as individuals,

something nada couldn't possibly understand. I hope when I'm ready to start a

family that that's the kind of relationship I can have with my children.

Speaking of, I don't know if anyone remembers, but in earlier posts I've

mentioned being really nervous about my gf's parents being told that we're

getting married. We told them on Thursday last week and they were really happy.

Her dad was ecstatic. He even said he loved me and I was sweet, and a joy to

have around!! Her mom was grateful! She said something like she thought I'd take

good care of her daughter. So, it went great. No more being nervous about that!!

They seemed really happy. I was just hoping for approval lol!!

Jae

sleddog wrote:

And I wonder....what percentage of people really do have healthy

relationships with their mothers? I always feel so alone at this

time and it so wonderful for there to be lists like this to come too

to know I am not. Yet I wonder, do most people have what is depicted

on tv and the sweet poetic cards? Is it a level of motherly

perfection that is largely created by the greeting card companies?

my MIL has that kind of relationship with her kids, I have 2 friends that

have that kind of relationship with their mothers, my cousins have that kind

of relationship with their mother several families worth...on both sides...

Jackie

---------------------------------

Pinpoint customers who are looking for what you sell.

[Guest guest]

Hi Jae - I'm so happy to hear that things went so well with gf's

parents and that you're marrying into such a wonderful extended

family! no less than you deserve!

Sara

> And I wonder....what percentage of people really do have

healthy

> relationships with their mothers? I always feel so alone at this

> time and it so wonderful for there to be lists like this to come

too

> to know I am not. Yet I wonder, do most people have what is

depicted

> on tv and the sweet poetic cards? Is it a level of motherly

> perfection that is largely created by the greeting card companies?

>

> my MIL has that kind of relationship with her kids, I have 2

friends that

> have that kind of relationship with their mothers, my cousins have

that kind

> of relationship with their mother several families worth...on both

sides...

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Pinpoint customers who are looking for what you sell.

>

>

[Guest guest]

glad you're marrying into a " normal " family and they appreciate you:-) it

will help you heal a lot quicker !!

Jackie

Speaking of, I don't know if anyone remembers, but in earlier posts I've

mentioned being really nervous about my gf's parents being told that we're

getting married. We told them on Thursday last week and they were really

happy. Her dad was ecstatic. He even said he loved me and I was sweet, and a

joy to have around!! Her mom was grateful! She said something like she

thought I'd take good care of her daughter. So, it went great. No more being

nervous about that!! They seemed really happy. I was just hoping for

approval lol!!

Jae