still no peace

[Guest guest]

Hello. I am so relieved to have found this site!! words cannot

express. My mother is BPD. I use to think it was the alcohol as she

was a severe alcoholic, starting when I was about 16, and only

stopping once I started looking after her when I was 30. My brother

and I tried numerous times to help, rehabs, AA, therapists, and hours

of trying to talk sense to her. My brother eventually ran away

overseas, in his own words, it was just the 3 of us as my parents

divorced when I was 6. My father would never elaborate, just saying

she was difficult. We hardly saw him.

Once I began to look after her I realised there was something else

wrong, it was not just the alcohol.

When I left home, the manipulation and guilt she dished out was

intense. I could not see the wood for the trees, it was a love/hate

relationship, and I felt responsible for her happiness.Phone calls

after 10pm with threats of suicide, and telling me how lonely she was,

would depress me. I met my life partner at this point, and he saw

straight through it, giving me Toxic Parents - S Forward, People of

the Lie - M Peck. He asked her not to phone after 9pm, this made

him enemy no1, and she told all her friends, and my father, about this

dreadful man I was involved with. My father then jumped into my life

like a bull terrier in a china shop, (I had been living in another

town for 2years, phoned him once and he told me not to waste my

money!)He even went so far as to get the cops to check up on me. This

went on for years. confusion and intense pain. I became the bad egg in

the family, my dad took her side, and my partner was even blamed for

her drinking. At one point I was pregnant and when I lost the baby due

to an accident, she told me, it was a good thing.

The (mis-guided) duty, obligation, guilt I felt trapped me, she had

brought us up on her own, and amidst the bad, there was good. I tried

as best i could to live my own life, but the guilt put a damper on my

freedom and literally stopped me a number of times. My own

relationship was a mess, with numerous breakups. We are still

together, a miracle in itself, my partner always believing that this

was not from me, that I was ok. The onus was on me, as there was just

me around, my father and half sister never knew the extent of the

problems.

7 years ago, my mother became too ill to look after herself. We took

her into our lives. Initially it was the absolute hell of getting her

off all the tabs, and alcohol. During this period I gave birth to two

stunning children, a boy now 7, and a girl, now 4.

I suffered a breakdown approx 3 years ago, GAD, and after a year of

anti-depressants, and therapy, I finally started unraveling the hell

of the past. I believed that I was the same as her, and for the first

time in my life felt seriously suicidal. I found an amazing therapist

who diagnosed my mother with BPD, and my father, narcissism. She also

assured me that I do not suffer BPD, and my breakdown was a

circumstantial thing, and a life long low grade depression. Also read

an excellent book by A Lawson, " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " . The light was finally switched on for me, and my partner. It

felt like a spiritual breakthrough, and my own anxiety has become

virtually non-existent. My brother does not accept she has BPD, saying

that it is her and my specific relationship dynamics, and his only

concern really is for her welfare.

I found a home for my mother, after the breakdown, and she was there

for a year. They medicated her heavily, and she lost the will to live.

It was traumatic for myself and my partner to see her decline so

badly. We moved onto a smallholding, and took her on again, feeling we

would rather have the hassle than to watch her die, also she would

have her own quarters. Again manipulated!? She has been back with us

for almost a year now, and her health has improved dramatically, but

the stress on us is great. Due to her lack of boundaries, boredom,

" hole in the bucket " syndrome, and desire for sweet things (already

has signs of diabetes), she relies on me heavily still for her

happiness. Still at times I feel torn, thinking if we lived closer to

shops, she would be able to walk - see life around her, but then I

know controlling her sweet intake would be a nightmare. Also she has a

terrible habit of screaming, swearing and banging our door, if we do

not respond to her demands.

It is now becoming evident, that no matter how much we give her,

nothing will change. I am terribly concerned about the abuse from her

and our own reactions, re the children. In south africa, it is so

difficult to find a home that will take care of her without putting

her into a medical straight jacket. I know that my first concern is

for my children, they cannot really understand our shortness with her,

although they do understand she is not normal. Reading one of the

letters where the doc said the daughter's bi-polar is due to being

exposed to the grandmothers' illness, gives me greater concern. There

is still a desire in me to help her, I think that I am not facing up

to reality though. I can relate to the writer saying that at 32 she

was still confused, as I am only now, age 39, beginning to feel as

though I am only starting to live my life. Unfortunately I am

beginning to feel that I will only find peace once she is dead. There

is so much more I could say, but this is already too long, the sadness

is still there, and although I understand more now, the quiet

desperation of no-one else in the family understanding this, does

still affect me.

[Guest guest]

she relies on me heavily still for her

happiness. Still at times I feel torn, thinking if we lived closer to

shops, she would be able to walk - see life around her, but then I

know controlling her sweet intake would be a nightmare. Also she has a

terrible habit of screaming, swearing and banging our door, if we do

not respond to her demands.

It is now becoming evident, that no matter how much we give her,

nothing will change. I am terribly concerned about the abuse from her

and our own reactions, re the children.

welcome..you are not responsible for her happiness..nor are you responsible

for her suicide attempts..is there any way she can be put back in that home

where she was for a while ? You have to protect yourself, your partner and

your kids. No, she will never change... I love the book Understnading the

Borderline mother...it was great...as is Boundaries by Henry Cloud...it

teaches you was is acceptical boundaries and what is not...

Jackie