New Discovery for Me

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I just discoved the whole BPD world 4 days ago. My dad, age 65, (I'm

44 F) came down for a visit last week. He called me on Sunday morning

telling me that he is having heart problems and had been to the

emergency room. He lives about 200 miles away in a small town, so he

wanted to come to the city in case he needed surgery. So he comes and

stays at my house. Things went ok for a couple days, though he did

show up telling me that he is in a fight with his entire neighborhood

because they are accusing him of poisoning their dogs, and basically

admits to me that he did in fact do this because the dogs are allowed

to run loose and get in his garden. So ok...just a normal average

everday for dad. He tells me that he wants to move back to the city.

So I tell him about a house for sale right around the corner from me

and we talk about how great it would be for him to be close and be

able to see the grandchildren (he has never been any kind of granddad

to them...but I guess I was hoping he was ready for a change) be close

to family in case his health really does get bad. I tell him that I

will go out walking with him everyday and we can fix up his house

together, etc. So he wants to pay $100K for the place, but they won't

take less than $140K, so he blows the whole idea off, even though he

has plenty of money. He went to the cardiologist on Monday and they

just listened to his heart, said he was not in any eminent danger,

gave him a prescription for blood pressure medication (which I'm sure

he will never fill) and sent him on his way. So then, the truth

starts coming out that he did not actually go to the " emergency

room " ...he was just at the hospital because his cousin was dying and

stopped by the nurse's station to have his blood pressure checked and

it was high. So, I'm like ok. Dad, we've been over this. You need

to cut out salt, eat properly, and exercise. On Tuesday, he goes to

the urologist for his annual exam. Everything is fine. Things are

becoming clear that he just had this appointment scheduled anyway and

decided to throw in a little heart attack drama for some added effect.

So ok...what's new? So Tuesday afternoon, it is raining cats and

dogs and he is out on my front porch fixing my lawn mower. I did

mention that the mower wasn't working and he is very good at fixing

them, but I didn't expect him to do it in the rain...but whatever. So

he fixes the mower, comes in, says he is not feeling well. I have my

daughter make him some soup (which he actually ate...I couldn't

believe it), get him extra blankets and pillows, and get ready to take

my daughter (10 years old) to her talent show at school which is a

really big deal. Before we leave, I see dad at the fridge in the

kitchen, so I'm thinking that he must be feeling better if he's up

raiding the fridge. We go to the show and my daughter does a great

job and is the best one there. We are so happy and can't wait to home

and tell grandpa all about it. The first thing I hear when I walk in

the door is THE VOICE saying, " You've got 30 GD seconds to fix this GD

television or I'm gonna take a baseball bat to it " . I freeze. I tell

my daughter to fix the tv. It is fixed in 10 seconds. I send her

upstairs. Dad continues his rant saying that one day I'll be old and

won't be able to handle electronics, that I don't give a S**T about

him and just wish he was dead so I can have his money....GD this MF

that....he is throwing things around...so I just go upstairs. I have

shown him how to work the remote 3 times since he has been here...it

is not that difficult (he works suduko, crossword, and cryptoquote,

and is extremely mechanical)...and I know that he just messed it up on

purpose so that he can have something to go off about. (I now realize

that the death of his cousin was a major trigger and then not wanting

to pay so much for the house was another). I am really afraid. All my

years of this flooding in on me, screaming voices, fear, instability.

My daughter is with me. He is ranting some more down stairs...so I

do back down and tell him calmly that he cannot behave this way in

front of my daughter...that it won't work.....so he says that I am

right and that it won't work and starts slinging all his belongings

together, crashing out the door saying that I'll never see him

again....I am crying...I am afraid....I go back upstairs....I am with

my daughter when he comes up stairs to my room to rant at me

again.....I am trapped...cornered....soooo scared....I move toward him

and thank god he retreated and started back down the stairs.....I

continue to move him toward the door....on the way out he screams that

" He never asked for nothin " ....I said " neither did I'....I slam the

door......he goes over to my bi-polar manic depressive substance

abusing whatever sister's house and calls me up telling me that he is

sorry and that he is crazy.....So I tell him that maybe he needs to

get on medication....I tell him that I don't care about his

money....that I only care that he is happy and that's all I've ever

wanted and that he should spend the money on whatever will make him

happy.....he hangs up on me....next morning.....I can't go to

work....I am a school teacher (please excuse my hurried typing

here...lol).....because my eyes are swollen from crying all night and

I hardly got any sleep.....he calls me and asks if he can come

over.....I'm like....well dad....you can come over but I have to go to

work now because I have to meet with several parents this

afternoon....he says he wants to mow the yard.....so I'm like....well

it is kinda wet outside, but if you think that will work that's

fine....but I have to go to work now.....(I'm the only person in my

family who even has job) So he does that....thank god I got out of

here before he got here....but it was done when i got home....I don't

need him to mow my freakin yard....but whatever....I guess he thinks

that makes up for this crap....In the afternoon I start getting calls

from my sister who is now commicating to me for him....OMG....this is

so juvenile I can't stand it.....so he wants to know if there is any

way I can forgive him....and I'm like....forgiviness has nothing to do

with it....this is just one more tiny thing to add to the giant stack

of things to forgive dad for....the problem is that I can't in good

conscience allow this kind of behavior around my daughter....it's not

right....I ultimately tell her that I would be willing to work on the

relationship if he sees a shrink and gets on some meds.....so he says

that if that's the stipulation then forget it.....what a shock.

So a couple days after all this, my sister gives me a book called

" Stop Walking on Eggshells " ....she gets this stuff in the course of

dealing with her own mental health problems. The behaviors and

stories in the book are pretty right on. So I start searching the

web. I've been reading up non-stop...but I am angry because I am

spending my time this way trying to deal with his problems when I have

worked very hard all my life to go to college, have a career, raise

mentally healthy, productivie children.....and I have been very

successful....although I have been divorced twice and have major

issues with trust and making intimate relationships work....but I

don't really care anymore....I've got my kids....and now i'm trying to

have what's left of the rest of my life.....I'm so resentful that he

is still doing this crap to me....He told me I was a stupid worthless

knucklehead dunce everyday that he wasn't completely neglecting me

throughout my childhood....even so....i have proven him wrong....even

so....I try to cater to him to get him to love me....he is constantly

mad at me because I don't drive 200 miles one way and 200 miles back

every freaking weekend to visit him.....I have been down there at

least 5 times in the last year...it doesn't matter....it would never

be enough....I'm starting to really want to move across the

county....i can see why people do....i wish i had gotten out right

after high school.....gotten away from all of this....i feel so

damaged....

I can't fathom what could have happened to him in his childhood that

could have caused this....I never saw any evidence that my

grandparents were mean in any way....not one glimpse....and I was down

there a lot....my dad's brother and sister turned out fine....both

with college degrees, careers, one lifetime marriage, and successful

children....my dad has said that his dad was mean to him....but it is

always these vague accusations about grandpa not loaning him money or

something....i remember dad telling me that he used to get spanked

with the razor strap....just as he was about to spank me with a

belt...but hey....i survived it....maybe grandpa beat the crap out of

him.....i just can't see it though....i never once saw my grandpa even

stomp around, throw anything....I never heard him say anything mean to

anyone....he was always a good sweet grandpa to me...i can't imagine

that he could hide his true self like that....i mean....my children

have had to see their grandpa act like a raving lunatic virtually

everytime they have ever been around him......

maybe dad had a head injury....maybe its genetic...i've heard some

family members say that my great grandmother(dad's dad's mother) was

crazy....my dad's family was catholic so maybe he was molested by a

catholic priest.....i just don't know and i really don't have that

much sympathy when i am not told the truth and he won't try to help

himself....i'm tired of being the only adult in my family....i'm just

worn out with this....

i can't believe that this issue has never come up in any of my stints

in therapy....

maybe he's got NPD....he definately shows some signs of that too....

i think he is pretty bad off....

my head is spinning with all of this....

i don't want to leave my dad alone in his old age....but i have never

had a life....i worked so hard to put myself through school....i just

want to enjoy my life now....

sorry this is so long