Re: Is it worse when it could be worse?

[Guest guest]

Hi Jae

Oh, I HATE my first name, my nada named me after herself (what kind

of narcissistic trip was that??) Anyway, my parents decided pretty

quickly not to call me that but my middle name. Why do you name

your child something you don't want to call them? Subjected me to

years of having to explain myself to employers, teachers, etc...

Anyway, YES, I used to fantasize about changing my name, once

seriously, but I remember my mother getting really upset because

this is something that my grandmother did, she said " there's

something wrong with people who need to change their names " . Ha! I

think you have some more support for your theory, Jae

Today I still have not gotten around to taking my husband's name,

but I would really like to. This summer, I promise myself (a few

administrative hurdles to clear first, this is why I didn't do it

when we first married). What I would really love to do is wipe that

dratted first name off all my documents...LOL

> This is where I have huge questions. I don't remember

much, but having seen

> my mother with my children, she pushes them one side, slaps them,

pinches

> them, I am beginning to realise she probably did the same with me.

I was

> told by my god mother that she wouldn't pick me up when i was

crying as a

> baby. Very not there.

> I became almost reclusive when I grew up, not having many friends,

disliked

> my own name intensely. Was v polite at home, even asking if I

could use the

> phone. I just knew I didn't want to rock the boat.

> Still trying to piece it all together.

>

>

[Guest guest]

This website pulls up so many old memories for me. I'm now

remembering how I wanted a different name when I was in kindergarten

and first grade and probably later. I would fantasize about it and

even decided what I would like my name to be, if I could change it.

Obviously related to self-hate since my mother hated me. She must

have snarled my name at me also.

>

> It's funny that you mention hating your own name. I believe Lilly

made a post a few days again where she mentioned changing her name.

I've always hated my name. I don't even use it. I go by Jae,

obviously. But my original name is . I just use the initial and

spell it different lol. I've been thinking hard about changing it when

I marry. New nuclear family, new life, new " home " so to speak, why not

a new name?

>

> Is this a common KO thing? I know it's expected that we would have

problems forming a strong, cohesive identity, since our BPDs often

force us to adopt theirs or one that makes things easier on them. I

could definitely see a relation there. I actively dislike the person

that that name represents to me and I hate hearing it or seeing it

written. Anybody else?

>

> Jae

[Guest guest]

Yes...long hair on young children is going to cause some detangling

pain...i use detangler and take my time on my daughter's hair but she

still complains...and it does get frustrating when we are in a

hurry....she is finally getting pretty good at doing it herself at age

10 but i give her the option of getting it cut shorter and she chooses

not too...i did bob it to the shoulders when she was about 5 or 6

because i just couldn't stand to be the one causing her pain....when i

was young, i had my long hair bobbed for a while as well, then as it

grew long again i was more capable of taking better care of it

myself....apparently, many bpd mom's are incapable of or unwilling to

making this practical type of move...lol...i also think that how a

child is affected by hair detangling pain depends a lot on what else

is going on and if it is vindictive, etc...i know that having this

done to you in a purposful vindictive way would be damaging and i wish

all who have been treated this way love and healing....

> >

> > >Okay, what is UP with the hair thing?!

> >

> >

> > I think it was nadas way of inflicting pain but if we told anyone,

> it would

> > look like a honest accident and we would be babies...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My name is a derivative of my mother's name, and growing up I always

wanted to go by my middle name instead -- Joanne. Then I found out

when I was about twelve that my middle name wasn't even Joanne. But

it didn't " go with " my new last name once nada remarried and my

stepdad adopted me, so my mother just told me my middle name was

Joanne rather than spend the money to change it legally. In fact,

she didn't tell me I was adopted until I was twelve. So yes, I

guess you can safely say I have issues regarding my name!!! You'll

note I always sign my posts with initials instead.

MJL

> >

> > It's funny that you mention hating your own name. I believe Lilly

> made a post a few days again where she mentioned changing her name.

> I've always hated my name. I don't even use it. I go by Jae,

> obviously. But my original name is . I just use the initial

and

> spell it different lol. I've been thinking hard about changing it

when

> I marry. New nuclear family, new life, new " home " so to speak, why

not

> a new name?

> >

> > Is this a common KO thing? I know it's expected that we would

have

> problems forming a strong, cohesive identity, since our BPDs often

> force us to adopt theirs or one that makes things easier on them. I

> could definitely see a relation there. I actively dislike the

person

> that that name represents to me and I hate hearing it or seeing it

> written. Anybody else?

> >

> > Jae

>

[Guest guest]

I believe I understand where you are coming from. I see a big

difference between what you are experiencing with your daughter, and

what others have experienced with their nadas. The difference is

that you are explaining to your daughter why it sometimes hurts to

brush her hair. If she is not allowing you the time needed to brush

her hair, and it is time to leave, then yes, the brushing won't be

gentle. And you are trying to come to a compromise with her to get

this task accomplished. To me, your situation is not one of

ignoring the infliction of pain. I think you really do have a

normal mother-daughter confict here.

Sylvia

>

> > Can i just say in a very small voice that my older daughter

insists

> that she wants her hair long, but throws a rip-roaring fit so

often

> when it's time to brush it, that i have told her that if this

doesn't

> stop, we'll have to get it cut short in a bob, because it needs to

be

> brushed. i don't intentionally pull it, but sometimes we are in a

> hurry, because it has taken so long to get her to stand still and

have

> it done. i do take it piece by piece and try to be gentle, but i

have

> explained to her that sometimes it hurts to get the tangles out. i

> have very long hair and sometimes it hurts when i brush it, but

that's

> just how it is with long hair!!< it's just that i am so insecure

and

> worry about the bpd fleas i have that i need to explain this! i

think

> kids just hate to get their hair brushed in general, and my

daughter

> specifically is pretty sensitive in many ways.

>

> Tara

>.....

[Guest guest]

Can I safely presume that the way my mother treats my kids, is the same she

did with me?

Also re hating names, wow, it is amazing how many of us went through this.

Even to this day, she will call me with a certain tone in her voice, my

stomach immediately knots up. Even my partner has suggested I use my middle

name!!!

[Guest guest]

>Can I safely presume that the way my mother treats my kids, is the same she

did with me?

NO, you cannot !! my nada treats her grandkids much nicer than she did her

own kids...she's not " normal " with the grand kids, but not as bad...

Jackie

[Guest guest]

I had the *too tight* pony tails too !

twin.less

> >

> > Okay, what is UP with the hair thing?!

> >

> > I had this problem too! Is this, like, some unknown BPD criterion

> we should be aware of?:

> > " will likely tear brush through child's hair and give child

> headache with unnecessarily tight

> > ponytails "

> >......

>

[Guest guest]

....And then pop you on the head with the comb whenever you moved. As an adult,

I've had beauticians express surprise at how tough my scalp is when it comes to

detangling.

-

smhtrain2 wrote:

I think the hair thing is perfect for a nada. First, she gives

herself points for being a loving caring mother by brushing her

child's hair. But unfortunately, the child is so ungrateful, she

yells, cries, etc. But the hair must be brushed - that is what good

mother's do. And if her ungrateful child is jerking around, well

then if the hair is being pulled, it is the child's fault. Poor

nada, she is just trying to help this bad child (NOT).

Sylvia

>

> Okay, what is UP with the hair thing?!

>

> I had this problem too! Is this, like, some unknown BPD criterion

we should be aware of?:

> " will likely tear brush through child's hair and give child

headache with unnecessarily tight

> ponytails "

>......

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Another thing that helps is to hold the section of hair you're working with so

there's some slack between it and the scalp. That way you can untangle without

pulling scalp. Actually, I learned that by grooming a horse I had. His tail

would get really tangled and when I pulled, he kicked-and I learned -- fast.

(Maybe that would have been a good lesson for the nadas - " must be able to groom

fidgety horse's tail before touching daughter's locks - LOL). And Tara, we've

all unintentionally done nada-like things in our lives with our children - the

difference is in the intent and in our response when it happens. -

vegdeanna wrote: Start at the bottom of the hair

and go slowly. Is she old enough to

brush her own hair yet? You can teach her the technique of starting

slowly at the bottom. If you're at least trying to be gentle and

taking it in sections...that's way more than my mom did.

> >

> > >Okay, what is UP with the hair thing?!

> >

> >

> > I think it was nadas way of inflicting pain but if we told anyone,

> it would

> > look like a honest accident and we would be babies...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

Ohhh, I hate my name! My husband calls me by my middle name when we're alone

and that's the one I use here. -

claudine bowyer wrote: This is where I have

huge questions. I don't remember much, but having seen

my mother with my children, she pushes them one side, slaps them, pinches

them, I am beginning to realise she probably did the same with me. I was

told by my god mother that she wouldn't pick me up when i was crying as a

baby. Very not there.

I became almost reclusive when I grew up, not having many friends, disliked

my own name intensely. Was v polite at home, even asking if I could use the

phone. I just knew I didn't want to rock the boat.

Still trying to piece it all together.

[Guest guest]

I just want to thank you all for your reassuring comments, and you're

right - I try to be patient and go slowly, and I do explain that I

know it hurts and I'm sorry that it hurts, but her hair must be

brushed, nonetheless. She is five and is not really very good at

brusing her own hair yet. She really doesn't want to have it bobbed,

though it used to look so cute on her when she was tiny - I used to

keep it in a chin-length bob until she was three and a half and

decided she wanted long hair.

Thank you for reminding me that many mother-daughter conflicts are

normal. We just don't always have a good frame of reference, do we?

Tara

> >

> > > Can i just say in a very small voice that my older daughter

> insists

> > that she wants her hair long, but throws a rip-roaring fit so

> often

> > when it's time to brush it, that i have told her that if this

> doesn't

> > stop, we'll have to get it cut short in a bob, because it needs

to

> be

> > brushed. i don't intentionally pull it, but sometimes we are in a

> > hurry, because it has taken so long to get her to stand still and

> have

> > it done. i do take it piece by piece and try to be gentle, but i

> have

> > explained to her that sometimes it hurts to get the tangles out.

i

> > have very long hair and sometimes it hurts when i brush it, but

> that's

> > just how it is with long hair!!< it's just that i am so insecure

> and

> > worry about the bpd fleas i have that i need to explain this! i

> think

> > kids just hate to get their hair brushed in general, and my

> daughter

> > specifically is pretty sensitive in many ways.

> >

> > Tara

> >.....

>