Re: Losing Strength

[Guest guest]

Honey you need to snuggle your girl and tell her what is going on with you.

Your parents may not want you, however, the only thing that shows is that they

do not feel worthy of a jewel as wonderful of you! My birth dad has cut off

contact with me. The only thing I think about him is, " What a shumuck he is

missing out on my kid who is beyond wonderfull.

Lilly

JL Suess wrote:

I remember those pains! They'd be so bad while I was driving to visit

her that I'd have to pull over every half-hour or so to let the pain lessen.

Strangely, no pain on the way back to my city. I would just enjoy the drive,

look at the cows, play the radio real loud and sing along, that sort of thing.

For the longest time I thought I just hated the city I grew up in. (I don't care

for it much, but that's a pretty extreme emotional reaction to a city). Then,

just once, she came to my city and thre was the pain. When I dropped her off at

the airport, no pain. That was shortly before I went NC.

Even now my emtional state cause so much physical pain. I had a bad night last

night. I almost posted about it, but I didn't know what to say. I'm sure you all

know this feeling, but sometimes it just seems like far too much to deal with.

It's not just the memories and the dreams, I've been trying to reconnect with my

father and he's not making it easy. It looks like this new attempt at closeness

is going to be just another disappointment. I'm starting to face that that's all

my father's been to me. I want a dad, really badly. Not even a good one, just a

dad, one I actually know! There's been so much distance between my father and I

my whole life, he's like a stranger. The last 23 years have been a string of

broken promises, lapsed contact, and one disappointment after another. Every now

and then he comes through for me. He calls, expresses concern, anything

dad-like, and my hopes hit the ceiling. I get so happy and then day by day the

happiness falls away as he neglects

to follow-up on whatever it was that got me so happy in the first place. I can't

even get him to call me once a week, or even once a month. He doesn't answer the

phone for me and never returns my calls.

So, I got really upset last night, after yet another disappointment. I'm trying

to convince myself that I'll just have to get used to the idea that I don't have

parents and I never, ever will. But, that leaves me with this horrible crushing

sadness. Most of last night I could barely breath, I was sweating, vomiting,

crying, couldn't get comfortable. Every tiny centimeter of my body was just

overcome with heartache. Everything hurt and no amount of baths (my favorite

comfort-treat) could even make a dent. It was lessened when I woke up this

morning, but I'm still really down. I have two parents who don't want me and/or

can't be bothered with just a little kindness. Except for nada of course, but

the kindness is just the calm before the storm.

I think it's the wedding planning that's bringing this stuff up. The books and

articles I've been reading references the parents a lot, for obvious reasons,

and everytime I see it my stomach clenches up and I can't breathe well. There's

guilt there too. My gf and I haven't announced the engagement to her parents

yet. They're fine with us being togethor, the gay thing doesn't bother them and

they've asked her if she thought I could be " the one " . But, the issue of who

pays for what is going to come up. I've prepared the budget assuming we'd pay

for it ourselves, but I know they'll probably want to help and I feel so guilty

that my parents won't be around to help, financially or otherwise. That puts

more pressure on her parents and I don't think it's fair to them. I'm probably

concerned over nothing. My gf has mentioned nada's BPD and my dad's abscence to

her parents and they've only been concerned and sweet.

But, the guilt, the loss, the pain, it just builds to the point that I can

barely handle it and I just want to give up and hide under my blanket for a week

or so. Sometimes I just don't know how to get my strength back.

westwindspirit wrote:

constipated ha. i used to be constipated all the time till i cut off ALL ties

with

nada. now i am regular and take less medication for depression. I remebmer as

a child gtting sharp pains deep down in my stomach. I left home for college and

they eased opnly to start up again when I'd visit home. Back then i was yett o

realize i came from an abusive home.

Nana

>

> Hmmm...I know my mother never wanted to take ME to the doctor. Where

> some BPDs may be hypochondriacs and focused on illness all the time,

> my momster was very " get over it " and I think she did that to herself

> too, not just to me. I remember occasionally being very constipated

> and begging her to help me in some way and she would tell me to eat an

> apple. If she had just gone to the store and gotten me some kind of

> metamucil cookie, I would have at least felt like she cared. She was

> the youngest of 5 and they were really poor, so she took that attitude

> with her into adulthood. It's this attitude of " life is suffering so

> you might as well suffer " that she had and still has. Like when I

> told her my job was killing me emotionally she said, (actual quote)

> " all jobs stink. and the next one will stink just as bad, so you

> might as well just stay where you are. almost everyone hates working

> and it never gets better. "

>

> Christ, what a horrible message!

>

---------------------------------

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

Oh Jae,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know that lonely feeling, and the physical pain as well. The best you can do

is look to

that wonderful woman you are going to have as your wife and be candid with her.

You

have mentioned before that her family has taken you on as another daughter, so

you must

try and to hold on to that as well. I understand the discomfort with the

financial thing.

Sometimes I worry about that as well, just b/c my gf is not out to her family at

all, and my

family, while accepting to a point, doesn't fully take the relationship

seriously (i.e. we've

been together for 7 years, and she still doesn't get invited to all the family

functions). I

suspect in your situation, however, they are going to be excited to contribute.

Remember,

it brings people joy to be able to help out with a child's wedding. And if

things don't work

out, you've already got a budget that assumes no outside help, so you are all

set.

For the nighttime difficulties, have you ever considered any sort of medication?

Xanax or

the like? That has helped me tremendously. I've been up for hours upon hours,

and it is so

horrific--I highly recommend looking into something that can take the edge off

if you are

comfortable with taking medicine.

Much love,

RbW

> JL Suess wrote:

> I remember those pains! They'd be so bad while I was driving to

visit her that I'd

have to pull over every half-hour or so to let the pain lessen. Strangely, no

pain on the way

back to my city. I would just enjoy the drive, look at the cows, play the radio

real loud and

sing along, that sort of thing. For the longest time I thought I just hated the

city I grew up

in. (I don't care for it much, but that's a pretty extreme emotional reaction to

a city). Then,

just once, she came to my city and thre was the pain. When I dropped her off at

the

airport, no pain. That was shortly before I went NC.

>

> Even now my emtional state cause so much physical pain. I had a bad night last

night. I

almost posted about it, but I didn't know what to say. I'm sure you all know

this feeling,

but sometimes it just seems like far too much to deal with. It's not just the

memories and

the dreams, I've been trying to reconnect with my father and he's not making it

easy. It

looks like this new attempt at closeness is going to be just another

disappointment. I'm

starting to face that that's all my father's been to me. I want a dad, really

badly. Not even a

good one, just a dad, one I actually know! There's been so much distance between

my

father and I my whole life, he's like a stranger. The last 23 years have been a

string of

broken promises, lapsed contact, and one disappointment after another. Every now

and

then he comes through for me. He calls, expresses concern, anything dad-like,

and my

hopes hit the ceiling. I get so happy and then day by day the happiness falls

away as he

neglects

> to follow-up on whatever it was that got me so happy in the first place. I

can't even get

him to call me once a week, or even once a month. He doesn't answer the phone

for me

and never returns my calls.

>

> So, I got really upset last night, after yet another disappointment. I'm

trying to convince

myself that I'll just have to get used to the idea that I don't have parents and

I never, ever

will. But, that leaves me with this horrible crushing sadness. Most of last

night I could

barely breath, I was sweating, vomiting, crying, couldn't get comfortable. Every

tiny

centimeter of my body was just overcome with heartache. Everything hurt and no

amount

of baths (my favorite comfort-treat) could even make a dent. It was lessened

when I woke

up this morning, but I'm still really down. I have two parents who don't want me

and/or

can't be bothered with just a little kindness. Except for nada of course, but

the kindness is

just the calm before the storm.

>

> I think it's the wedding planning that's bringing this stuff up. The books and

articles I've

been reading references the parents a lot, for obvious reasons, and everytime I

see it my

stomach clenches up and I can't breathe well. There's guilt there too. My gf and

I haven't

announced the engagement to her parents yet. They're fine with us being

togethor, the

gay thing doesn't bother them and they've asked her if she thought I could be

" the one " .

But, the issue of who pays for what is going to come up. I've prepared the

budget

assuming we'd pay for it ourselves, but I know they'll probably want to help and

I feel so

guilty that my parents won't be around to help, financially or otherwise. That

puts more

pressure on her parents and I don't think it's fair to them. I'm probably

concerned over

nothing. My gf has mentioned nada's BPD and my dad's abscence to her parents and

they've only been concerned and sweet.

>

> But, the guilt, the loss, the pain, it just builds to the point that I can

barely handle it and

I just want to give up and hide under my blanket for a week or so. Sometimes I

just don't

know how to get my strength back.

>

>

> westwindspirit wrote:

> constipated ha. i used to be constipated all the time till i cut off ALL ties

with

> nada. now i am regular and take less medication for depression. I remebmer as

> a child gtting sharp pains deep down in my stomach. I left home for college

and

> they eased opnly to start up again when I'd visit home. Back then i was yett o

> realize i came from an abusive home.

> Nana

>

>

> >

> > Hmmm...I know my mother never wanted to take ME to the doctor. Where

> > some BPDs may be hypochondriacs and focused on illness all the time,

> > my momster was very " get over it " and I think she did that to herself

> > too, not just to me. I remember occasionally being very constipated

> > and begging her to help me in some way and she would tell me to eat an

> > apple. If she had just gone to the store and gotten me some kind of

> > metamucil cookie, I would have at least felt like she cared. She was

> > the youngest of 5 and they were really poor, so she took that attitude

> > with her into adulthood. It's this attitude of " life is suffering so

> > you might as well suffer " that she had and still has. Like when I

> > told her my job was killing me emotionally she said, (actual quote)

> > " all jobs stink. and the next one will stink just as bad, so you

> > might as well just stay where you are. almost everyone hates working

> > and it never gets better. "

> >

> > Christ, what a horrible message!

> >

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

> Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Malinda, RbW, and others,

Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes it's just really great to hear

sympathetic words, especially from people who " get it " .

I actually had a pretty good idea this morning that's helped a lot too. I've

been wondering what to do with my two best friends during the ceremony. I love

them equally, they're very close as well and I'd have a hard time showing any

favoritism. But, either of them would make a fantastic brides-man of honor (or

something lol). Then, I was reading a generic reception schedule and realized

that a father of the bride speech is included. Now, I want to do everything

equally, neither of us will be a groom. So two father-bride dances, two bouquet

tosses, etc. But, I won't have anyone to speak there (or walk me down the aisle)

and then it hit me! I think somebody actually suggested this to me or someone

else on these boards a while ago, but I guess I didn't think about it much. Both

my best friends (I call them " the boys " lol) are really protective, but one in

particular has really looked out for me as though he were an older brother. I

know it would be an honor to him to take

my father's place and I'd like it a lot. So, that solves the brides-man of

honor thing too!!

And, voila, all the important people are covered. I might ask a female friend

I've known since sixth grade to take my mother's place. But, she's almost as

unpredictable as my mother so maybe not. Either way, now I can get excited about

my friends taking important places. Oh!! Actually, now I have an idea there too!

I have a friend who also came from an abusive house. We celebrate holidays

together fairly often, so that we don't feel lonely when everyone else is with

their families. She calls me her sister, maybe she'd appreciate the position.

Yup, I'm feeling better. Thanks again everyone! I don't know what I'd do if I

didn't at least get to read these posts every day. It really helps a lot.

Jae

---------------------------------

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