Re: Hi - Steve VERY LONG POST!!!

[Guest guest]

On Fri, 02 Dec 2011 at 15:35:19 -0000, Bassman Steve

wrote:

> If anybody knows where I can get help here I should be very grateful. I have

tried all of the avenues known to me.

No Steve, it's very difficult, I know because I have the same problem

in Thailand. Probably worse because unlike Hong Kong, so little English

is spoken there.

I did get a list of on-line counsellors and therapists from the UK's

NAS, and I sent circulars out to quite a few to see what they could do.

I particularly asked if there were any professionally run groups I

could join, but they all wanted to take me on on a one-to-one basis and

charge £50 an hour which didn't encourage me much as an OAP, and I

didn't see how just a small handful of sessions would be able to " fix "

me. I subsequently heard that a single hour's session per week is

pretty much the norm, so if you've got the odd spare £200 a month to

spend and you think it might be worth it, I could probably dig out the

list and some of the correspondence I had with them for you once I'm

back in Thailand.

> My posts seem to have become very negative. I am AS but I do try to look on

the positive side. Honest!

No, I think that's fair enough and if faced with a negative situation,

you do have to be realistic. There's a limit to what rose-tinted

glasses can do.

Forgive me if I put a very blunt question to you, and I'll fully

understand if you don't feel you want to answer:

So considering your wife has expressed the idea of you finding someone

slse so she can leave, why do you actually want to hold on to her?

Might perhaps be therapeutic to try and rationalise those reasons.

[Guest guest]

Hi

I understand about the language problem. I am currently working and living way

out in the new territories. English is not widely spoken here. Most of my

neighbours are from the mainland. At least I have the opportunity of popping to

the Island, if I need a hit of western culture. Even on the Island, English is

becoming less well spoken amongst the locals. Mandarin is increasing in

importance. In public announcements on the metro English is now the third

language.

I would very much like to learn Cantonese, but I have little time and it could

easily become an obsession, which I need to avoid at the moment. I have

suggested that we learn as a family but there is no interest.

Thanks for the info about on line help. However, I have already given it a go.

Prices have gone up a little. I was charged GBP70/hour (sorry no pound sign on

my phone). One therapist that I feel would shave benefitted my wife, if she

would have cooperated, was on the spectrum herself and so really understood the

issue and was able to point out some of the issues in a very humorous way. I

didn't feel as though I was benefitting from the few solitary consultations that

I had.

Why do I want to hold onto my wife? I still very much love the wife that loved

me and that I have shared half of my life with. She has been replaced by a

menopausal daemon that now possesses her body. I am in hope that some essence of

the wife that I know will return. I have no estimate of how long that may take

and guarantee that she ever will.

Steve

[Guest guest]

> Why do I want to hold onto my wife? I still very much love the wife that loved

me and that I have shared half of my life with. She has been replaced by a

menopausal daemon that now possesses her body. I am in hope that some essence of

the wife that I know will return. I have no estimate of how long that may take

and guarantee that she ever will.

I was very lucky that I weathered the menopause with virtually no symptoms.

Steve, do you think your wife might be willing to go to a *medical* doctor for

relief of menopause symptoms? There are medications to help with mood swings

(which are no fun), hot flashes, heavy flow … taking meds for these will also

help with the general emotional issues. And she might be more comfortable with

going to a physician than a mental health professional.

--Liz

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[Guest guest]

Liz Cademy wrote:

> I was very lucky that I weathered the menopause with virtually no symptoms.

Same here, Liz. Thus, my understanding of what other women experience

is limited to what I've read only.

Same for PMS. Can't relate to that on a personal level at all.

No doubt genetics (and to a lesser degree lifestyle) plays a role in

each woman's experience of both.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Hi Liz

My wife has always had very strong views against the modern medical profession.

She has held these views ever since I met her and well before the onset of

menopause. She would have to be very ill indeed before she would visit a doctor.

I can't remember the last time she saw one. It was many years ago.

She will not take synthetic medicines, only natural remedies. She did take Agnus

Castus for a while, before I knew about my AS and before the symptoms of

menopause really started to set in. This worked wonders (for me) but she stopped

taking it because she did not like the flat feeling it gave her. I suppose she

just likes to feel angry at the moment.

Regards

Steve

[Guest guest]

Wow … and I often take very different views on things, but I'm beginning to

agree with him … are you sure you want to stay with this woman?

I know you love her, or at least you love what remains of the woman you loved

deeply enough to marry. People do change over time, and not always for the

better. If my soon to be ex was like he is now when I started dating him, I

would have run screaming in the other direction! I did stick with the marriage,

and tried my level best to make it better, for years before I realized (with

some help from a therapist) that the two people we are today should not be

married.

Children make this decision even harder … I know, I have a 16 year old and an 11

year old. In some ways, I'm glad I stuck it out as long as I did, for their

sakes -- life is hard as a single mom with full custody now, it would have been

far more difficult when they were little.

Steve, I know I'm projecting my situation on yours, but I'm doing it to offer

some other things for you to examine. Feel free to tell me I have no clue what

I'm talking about!

--Liz

>

> Hi Liz

>

> My wife has always had very strong views against the modern medical

profession. She has held these views ever since I met her and well before the

onset of menopause. She would have to be very ill indeed before she would visit

a doctor. I can't remember the last time she saw one. It was many years ago.

>

> She will not take synthetic medicines, only natural remedies. She did take

Agnus Castus for a while, before I knew about my AS and before the symptoms of

menopause really started to set in. This worked wonders (for me) but she stopped

taking it because she did not like the flat feeling it gave her. I suppose she

just likes to feel angry at the moment.

>

> Regards

>

> Steve

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are

like a symphony.

> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

> It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

> We all contribute to the song of life. "

> ...Sondra

>

> We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

>

> ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.

> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm

> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER

> http://www.aspires-relationships.com

>

[Guest guest]

> Wow … and I often take very different views on things, but I'm beginning

to agree with him … are you sure you want to stay with this woman?

Of course there's another more pragmatic reason why Steve shouldn't

acquiesce to his wife's suggestion that he goes off and finds someone

else.... That reason is money! If Steve goes off with another

woman, then original wife sues for divorce and gets at least half his

assets,, right?? But if Steve were to turn it round and suggest to

his wife that if she's not happy, she's the one who should go off and

find someone else. I'm no expert on divorce and settlements, but I'm

guessing that blame for a breakup still has an effect on how assets are

apportioned, like they used to. Am I right? Anyone??

Okay okay Steve, we know this is not the path you want to follow, but

you couldn't be blamed for being an Aspie, so as long as you remain the

faithful husband, what possible grounds would that leave your wife to

petition for divorce?

I suppose there is another question we haven't asked you, Steve. We

know you're a high functioning Aspie, but do you have any disability

issues that would preclude you from living on your own if you had to?

If push came to shove, can you cook?, look after accomodation? Go

shopping? Generally fend for yourself?

When I lived in that part of the world it was more or less standard

practice for expats to take on a ino maid there. Is that still

the same now? Does your household have such a maid?

[Guest guest]

> Wow … and I often take very different views on things, but I'm beginning

to agree with him … are you sure you want to stay with this woman?

Of course there's another more pragmatic reason why Steve shouldn't

acquiesce to his wife's suggestion that he goes off and finds someone

else.... That reason is money! If Steve goes off with another

woman, then original wife sues for divorce and gets at least half his

assets,, right?? But if Steve were to turn it round and suggest to

his wife that if she's not happy, she's the one who should go off and

find someone else. I'm no expert on divorce and settlements, but I'm

guessing that blame for a breakup still has an effect on how assets are

apportioned, like they used to. Am I right? Anyone??

Okay okay Steve, we know this is not the path you want to follow, but

you couldn't be blamed for being an Aspie, so as long as you remain the

faithful husband, what possible grounds would that leave your wife to

petition for divorce?

I suppose there is another question we haven't asked you, Steve. We

know you're a high functioning Aspie, but do you have any disability

issues that would preclude you from living on your own if you had to?

If push came to shove, can you cook?, look after accomodation? Go

shopping? Generally fend for yourself?

When I lived in that part of the world it was more or less standard

practice for expats to take on a ino maid there. Is that still

the same now? Does your household have such a maid?

[Guest guest]

Hi Liz

I appreciate your interest in reading and answering my post. I am clueless about my own position so I have no right to criticise your views. Indeed, I value them.

Am I sure I want to stay with this woman? To be very honest, I am not sure. There are several reasons why I am sticking with it including the following:

My wife is going through a very arduous change. As the statement on the title page of the Aspires website states "Without change there would be no butterflies". I loved my caterpillar. She is now pupating. I do not love the cold hard chrysalis that she has become. Just like the caterpillar she cannot stop this change and she cannot help being who she is at the moment no more than I can help having AS. One day, and I don't know when. Something will emerge from the chrysalis. While I hope that what emerges is a beautiful butterfly, with the essence of what was once my caterpillar, it may be turn out to be an ugly dragonfly. Only time will tell. My butterfly will be worth waiting for.

While I would never knowingly hurt my wife in any way, I now understand that I have been inadvertently abusing her for our whole married life and without change on my side it will be so easy for me to continue to hurt her. I fear that I have caused my wife to suffer from Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, a condition found in NT women living with AS partners. I was devastated from researching the subject and reading accounts of a number of women affected by the disorder. There are some very moving accounts which read true for me. I feel so guilty but I still don't fully understand what it is that I have done to cause so much hurt. I just know that I have. I have a burning need to put things right as far as I can.

My daughters are 14 and 10. Separation would mean them returning to the UK. The UK courts are very biased towards mothers on custody issues and I doubt if I would have any chance of obtaining custody. There is nothing in the UK for me at the moment. I have no family there as such and, employment wise, the whole of Western Europe has no need for my very specialist skills, certainly not until the financial crisis eases. I love my daughters and I know they love me for who I am. I would not be able to be a weekend dad and we would miss each other dearly. It would shatter my already broken heart. My youngest has not only inherited my AS but she has also inherited her mother's stubbornness. This is not a good combination. Sometimes she can be a bit of a handful for my wife. I can sometimes help bring calm from chaos. When I first moved abroad, initially to Dubai, there was a three month settling period required before my government work visa could be settled and I could officially move my family to be with me. As soon as I left my daughter's behaviour started to deteriorate. My wife lasted only six weeks before she loaded the family on a plane to join me. They came out on a tourist visa which only lasted 30 days. It cost an arm and a leg and several long waits in immigration to sort things out. If they go it will be a one way trip. I really do not want to lose my girls.

I have finally concluded that there is little that I can do in relation to my wife's view of me right now. I will just have to wait until she makes up her mind what she wants to do. Having gained some information earlier in the week, I am not going to try to work on my relationship with my wife for a while. I can't do good for doing bad. I will concentrate on rebuilding my relationship with my daughters. They are having a bad time of this as well. If they are to go, at least they will leave with happy memories of me.

Regards

Steve

[Guest guest]

Hi

I haven't even considered the financial side of the equation. I suppose I ought

to start to prepare for the worst.

I am no expert but I think UK arrangements no longer take into account blame. So

it doesn't matter who the bad guy is or if there even is a bad guy. Having

custody of dependent children is the killer. The partner without custody seems

to be the looser both ways.

I would have thought that my wife had ample grounds for divorce because of the

way that I have been throughout our marriage. OK I may not have beaten her but I

know that I have hurt her. I don't really understand how and I probably never

will. I just know that I have and there is plenty of research and information

out there in the public domain to support her case. Having AS would be no

defence.

I have a number of disabilities. I am becoming old, overweight and uglier by the

day. Other than that I am fully functioning and totally capable of looking after

myself; not to the standards expected by my wife but I can get by.

ino and Indonesian maids are common here. We do not have a maid. It's a

bit risky taking one on at the moment, there are legislative changes on the

cards regarding minimum wage and rights of abode. I support the cause of the

maids they can have a tough deal. We do have an, agency supplied, part time

cleaner, who comes in and helps out on a regular basis. I'm not sure that I

would consider having a maid even if I were on my own. I am fairly low

maintenance and don't cause too much work for myself.

I seem to be portraying a very negative side of myself on this site. I have done

much to try to resolve issues and so I am becoming a bit of a scratched record

in rejecting advice. I do appreciate the time taken by all who have responded to

me. And I should be grateful for all advice that comes my way. I don't know what

I don't know and I may benefit from some seemingly common sense advice. I can

lack common sense at times.

Thanks again

Steve

[Guest guest]

Hi Liz

Steve:I appreciate your interest in reading and answering my post. I am clueless about my own position so I have no right to criticise your views. Indeed, I value them.

: Steve I think all the current NT spouses and maybe aspie husbands understand your situation and I feel that you don't have to defend why you're with your wife unless you just wanted to share your explanations which is very welcomed. Here it is all about being able to express yourself and I may have interpreted it wrong but in the future you never have to explain or defend your relationship here since I'm sure all of us in relationships have been there and we just get why and what your wife is going through and even what you are thinking.

Steve: Am I sure I want to stay with this woman? To be very honest, I am not sure. There are several reasons why I am sticking with it including the following:

My wife is going through a very arduous change. As the statement on the title page of the Aspires website states "Without change there would be no butterflies". I loved my caterpillar. She is now pupating. I do not love the cold hard chrysalis that she has become. Just like the caterpillar she cannot stop this change and she cannot help being who she is at the moment no more than I can help having AS. One day, and I don't know when. Something will emerge from the chrysalis. While I hope that what emerges is a beautiful butterfly, with the essence of what was once my caterpillar, it may be turn out to be an ugly dragonfly. Only time will tell. My butterfly will be worth waiting for.: I haven't been through menopause but watching my mother go through it was heart breaking, she just wasn't there for me even though she wanted to. I ended up taking care of her because she really needed my support. It was awful for her, the hormones, the pain, the physical changes and even her mental health, it accentuated her issues like anxiety tenfold. She's always been a happy person but it was like an evil spirit took over for 2 years and she never intentionally hurt me she just couldn't help herself which is something that my aspie hubby understands personally.

While I would never knowingly hurt my wife in any way, I now understand that I have been inadvertently abusing her for our whole married life and without change on my side it will be so easy for me to continue to hurt her. I fear that I have caused my wife to suffer from Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, a condition found in NT women living with AS partners. I was devastated from researching the subject and reading accounts of a number of women affected by the disorder. There are some very moving accounts which read true for me. I feel so guilty but I still don't fully understand what it is that I have done to cause so much hurt. I just know that I have. I have a burning need to put things right as far as I can.

My daughters are 14 and 10. Separation would mean them returning to the UK. The UK courts are very biased towards mothers on custody issues and I doubt if I would have any chance of obtaining custody. There is nothing in the UK for me at the moment. I have no family there as such and, employment wise, the whole of Western Europe has no need for my very specialist skills, certainly not until the financial crisis eases. I love my daughters and I know they love me for who I am. I would not be able to be a weekend dad and we would miss each other dearly. It would shatter my already broken heart. My youngest has not only inherited my AS but she has also inherited her mother's stubbornness. This is not a good combination. Sometimes she can be a bit of a handful for my wife. I can sometimes help bring calm from chaos. When I first moved abroad, initially to Dubai, there was a three month settling period required before my government work visa could be settled and I could officially move my family to be with me. As soon as I left my daughter's behaviour started to deteriorate. My wife lasted only six weeks before she loaded the family on a plane to join me. They came out on a tourist visa which only lasted 30 days. It cost an arm and a leg and several long waits in immigration to sort things out. If they go it will be a one way trip. I really do not want to lose my girls.: this is very true about fathering rights in the UK. I went to a conference on UK fathering rights by a famous doctor from Scotland can't remember the name.

Steve: I have finally concluded that there is little that I can do in relation to my wife's view of me right now. I will just have to wait until she makes up her mind what she wants to do. Having gained some information earlier in the week, I am not going to try to work on my relationship with my wife for a while. I can't do good for doing bad. I will concentrate on rebuilding my relationship with my daughters. They are having a bad time of this as well. If they are to go, at least they will leave with happy memories of me.

: Is this new information you learned earlier in the week from the discussions here? Or is it information that your wife gave you? NT/AS relationship is never going to be easy but I hope you are influenced by your own opinions and judgements & not by individuals that are separated from their spouse because they are coming from a completely different place then couples who are still together. Even though it is educational to hear the stories of divorced couples in our community, please don't give up on her or yourself, please have hope, I'm very hopeful that the divorce rates will decrease in NT/AS relationships, and maybe by supporting each other and having hope, we can help couples stay together, I hope I'm one of those couples but I need the support from all the amazing people that did it for so many years & continuously work towards being in a relationship. menopause may only last a couple years whereas aspergers is forever. I can only speak for myself but I need to hear how to make things work with my hubby, what actions other partners like myself do to improve communication or what i shouldn't do to improve my relationship and how they made their marriage work. I don't have the strength to hear reasons why I should give up or run because I'm so vulnerable and hurt and exhausted that it would be easy for me to just give up because I lack the confidence and I'm insecure. So I hope that everyone keep in mind to be gentle and remember that our words could influence serious and important decisions.people who end up here may be desperate and on the verge or amidst a mental meltdown, so if someone says run, one might run just because someone said to because they've runout of their own solutions. Maybe I'm biased too because I was the child of divorced parents and it has and will affect me for the rest of my life, talking about it or remembering the bad memories brings tears to my eyes. Good luck Steve and hope your wife and you find the strength so that hope for my marriage can get stronger too..

[Guest guest]

Hi Liz

Steve:I appreciate your interest in reading and answering my post. I am clueless about my own position so I have no right to criticise your views. Indeed, I value them.

: Steve I think all the current NT spouses and maybe aspie husbands understand your situation and I feel that you don't have to defend why you're with your wife unless you just wanted to share your explanations which is very welcomed. Here it is all about being able to express yourself and I may have interpreted it wrong but in the future you never have to explain or defend your relationship here since I'm sure all of us in relationships have been there and we just get why and what your wife is going through and even what you are thinking.

Steve: Am I sure I want to stay with this woman? To be very honest, I am not sure. There are several reasons why I am sticking with it including the following:

My wife is going through a very arduous change. As the statement on the title page of the Aspires website states "Without change there would be no butterflies". I loved my caterpillar. She is now pupating. I do not love the cold hard chrysalis that she has become. Just like the caterpillar she cannot stop this change and she cannot help being who she is at the moment no more than I can help having AS. One day, and I don't know when. Something will emerge from the chrysalis. While I hope that what emerges is a beautiful butterfly, with the essence of what was once my caterpillar, it may be turn out to be an ugly dragonfly. Only time will tell. My butterfly will be worth waiting for.: I haven't been through menopause but watching my mother go through it was heart breaking, she just wasn't there for me even though she wanted to. I ended up taking care of her because she really needed my support. It was awful for her, the hormones, the pain, the physical changes and even her mental health, it accentuated her issues like anxiety tenfold. She's always been a happy person but it was like an evil spirit took over for 2 years and she never intentionally hurt me she just couldn't help herself which is something that my aspie hubby understands personally.

While I would never knowingly hurt my wife in any way, I now understand that I have been inadvertently abusing her for our whole married life and without change on my side it will be so easy for me to continue to hurt her. I fear that I have caused my wife to suffer from Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, a condition found in NT women living with AS partners. I was devastated from researching the subject and reading accounts of a number of women affected by the disorder. There are some very moving accounts which read true for me. I feel so guilty but I still don't fully understand what it is that I have done to cause so much hurt. I just know that I have. I have a burning need to put things right as far as I can.

My daughters are 14 and 10. Separation would mean them returning to the UK. The UK courts are very biased towards mothers on custody issues and I doubt if I would have any chance of obtaining custody. There is nothing in the UK for me at the moment. I have no family there as such and, employment wise, the whole of Western Europe has no need for my very specialist skills, certainly not until the financial crisis eases. I love my daughters and I know they love me for who I am. I would not be able to be a weekend dad and we would miss each other dearly. It would shatter my already broken heart. My youngest has not only inherited my AS but she has also inherited her mother's stubbornness. This is not a good combination. Sometimes she can be a bit of a handful for my wife. I can sometimes help bring calm from chaos. When I first moved abroad, initially to Dubai, there was a three month settling period required before my government work visa could be settled and I could officially move my family to be with me. As soon as I left my daughter's behaviour started to deteriorate. My wife lasted only six weeks before she loaded the family on a plane to join me. They came out on a tourist visa which only lasted 30 days. It cost an arm and a leg and several long waits in immigration to sort things out. If they go it will be a one way trip. I really do not want to lose my girls.: this is very true about fathering rights in the UK. I went to a conference on UK fathering rights by a famous doctor from Scotland can't remember the name.

Steve: I have finally concluded that there is little that I can do in relation to my wife's view of me right now. I will just have to wait until she makes up her mind what she wants to do. Having gained some information earlier in the week, I am not going to try to work on my relationship with my wife for a while. I can't do good for doing bad. I will concentrate on rebuilding my relationship with my daughters. They are having a bad time of this as well. If they are to go, at least they will leave with happy memories of me.

: Is this new information you learned earlier in the week from the discussions here? Or is it information that your wife gave you? NT/AS relationship is never going to be easy but I hope you are influenced by your own opinions and judgements & not by individuals that are separated from their spouse because they are coming from a completely different place then couples who are still together. Even though it is educational to hear the stories of divorced couples in our community, please don't give up on her or yourself, please have hope, I'm very hopeful that the divorce rates will decrease in NT/AS relationships, and maybe by supporting each other and having hope, we can help couples stay together, I hope I'm one of those couples but I need the support from all the amazing people that did it for so many years & continuously work towards being in a relationship. menopause may only last a couple years whereas aspergers is forever. I can only speak for myself but I need to hear how to make things work with my hubby, what actions other partners like myself do to improve communication or what i shouldn't do to improve my relationship and how they made their marriage work. I don't have the strength to hear reasons why I should give up or run because I'm so vulnerable and hurt and exhausted that it would be easy for me to just give up because I lack the confidence and I'm insecure. So I hope that everyone keep in mind to be gentle and remember that our words could influence serious and important decisions.people who end up here may be desperate and on the verge or amidst a mental meltdown, so if someone says run, one might run just because someone said to because they've runout of their own solutions. Maybe I'm biased too because I was the child of divorced parents and it has and will affect me for the rest of my life, talking about it or remembering the bad memories brings tears to my eyes. Good luck Steve and hope your wife and you find the strength so that hope for my marriage can get stronger too..

[Guest guest]

Hi

Thank you for your words of support. I am being quite open on this site because I am searching for as many viewpoints on my situation as I can get. I can be quite blind to obvious things some times.

The new information that I have was contained in a reply from my wife to an email containing an account from Deb. Deb's account had so many similarities to my experience and had a very positive outcome.

I have mentioned several times that my wife will not communicate with me at all and she is not willing to help me deal with my AS. I am on my own. My wife confirmed this position in her email. The gist of her email was that she did not want anything from me. She just needed space and that she wanted me to concentrate on better interacting with my daughters. She will just observe my behaviour until she comes out of the other side of menopause and is able to decide if she wants to stay or go.

I have been lacking in the attention that I have given my daughters of late. I can think of many excuses for this, none of which are justifiable. They deserve more of my time and I intend to give as much time to them that they want, within my ability and constraints of daily life.

Best wishes

Steve

[Guest guest]

BassMan_720 wrote:

> While I would never knowingly hurt my wife in any way, I now

> understand that I have been inadvertently abusing her for our

> whole married life and without change on my side it will be so

> easy for me to continue to hurt her. I fear that I have caused my

> wife to suffer from Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, a

> condition found in NT women living with AS partners. I was

> devastated from researching the subject and reading accounts of a

> number of women affected by the disorder. There are some very

> moving accounts which read true for me. I feel so guilty but I

> still don't fully understand what it is that I have done to cause

> so much hurt. I just know that I have. I have a burning need to

> put things right as far as I can.

Steve, the above describes the situation in my own marriage so well.

Except I was the clueless Aspie partner, and my husband was the NT with

the high social and emotional IQ.

While the emotional abuse he suffered at my hands was unintentional, the

effects were experienced nonetheless. By the time I learned about AS

and self-diagnosed, my husband was already dead.

Thus, I would never have the opportunity to teach him about how AS

affected my experience in the world and in our marriage. Nor would I

ever be able to apologize to him for all of the ways in which I

inadvertently hurt him, to the extent where his stress and pain

eventually triggered the onset of his latent bipolar disorder, a

condition that took his life. He went to his grave believing all sorts

of horrible things about my motivations and behavior, all filtered by

the NT lens through which he viewed the world.

CADD may not be a bonafide disorder according to the DSM, yet I do

believe that it is a bonafide phenomenon that can destroy lives. And it

doesn't only affect NT women living with AS men, although that is the

group usually referred to when CADD is discussed.

AS women (and NT men) can experience it as well, especially if their

social and emotional IQ far exceeds that of their AS partner.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

BassMan_720 wrote:

> While I would never knowingly hurt my wife in any way, I now

> understand that I have been inadvertently abusing her for our

> whole married life and without change on my side it will be so

> easy for me to continue to hurt her. I fear that I have caused my

> wife to suffer from Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, a

> condition found in NT women living with AS partners. I was

> devastated from researching the subject and reading accounts of a

> number of women affected by the disorder. There are some very

> moving accounts which read true for me. I feel so guilty but I

> still don't fully understand what it is that I have done to cause

> so much hurt. I just know that I have. I have a burning need to

> put things right as far as I can.

Steve, the above describes the situation in my own marriage so well.

Except I was the clueless Aspie partner, and my husband was the NT with

the high social and emotional IQ.

While the emotional abuse he suffered at my hands was unintentional, the

effects were experienced nonetheless. By the time I learned about AS

and self-diagnosed, my husband was already dead.

Thus, I would never have the opportunity to teach him about how AS

affected my experience in the world and in our marriage. Nor would I

ever be able to apologize to him for all of the ways in which I

inadvertently hurt him, to the extent where his stress and pain

eventually triggered the onset of his latent bipolar disorder, a

condition that took his life. He went to his grave believing all sorts

of horrible things about my motivations and behavior, all filtered by

the NT lens through which he viewed the world.

CADD may not be a bonafide disorder according to the DSM, yet I do

believe that it is a bonafide phenomenon that can destroy lives. And it

doesn't only affect NT women living with AS men, although that is the

group usually referred to when CADD is discussed.

AS women (and NT men) can experience it as well, especially if their

social and emotional IQ far exceeds that of their AS partner.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

CJ

Thank you for sharing. I am lost for words. I am very touched by your story.

Sometimes ones own issues can be brought down to earth by hearing about others.

I really feel for you. I can't even imagine what you have gone through. Neither

of us can turn back the clock. At least I still have a chance to make amends.

A very heart felt best wishes

Steve

[Guest guest]

CJ

Thank you for sharing. I am lost for words. I am very touched by your story.

Sometimes ones own issues can be brought down to earth by hearing about others.

I really feel for you. I can't even imagine what you have gone through. Neither

of us can turn back the clock. At least I still have a chance to make amends.

A very heart felt best wishes

Steve

[Guest guest]

That's wonderful I'm glad your wife is telling you what she wants. And Deb is a great source of light and wisdom for advice. Wish you all the best.

Hi

Thank you for your words of support. I am being quite open on this site because I am searching for as many viewpoints on my situation as I can get. I can be quite blind to obvious things some times.

The new information that I have was contained in a reply from my wife to an email containing an account from Deb. Deb's account had so many similarities to my experience and had a very positive outcome.

I have mentioned several times that my wife will not communicate with me at all and she is not willing to help me deal with my AS. I am on my own. My wife confirmed this position in her email. The gist of her email was that she did not want anything from me. She just needed space and that she wanted me to concentrate on better interacting with my daughters. She will just observe my behaviour until she comes out of the other side of menopause and is able to decide if she wants to stay or go.

I have been lacking in the attention that I have given my daughters of late. I can think of many excuses for this, none of which are justifiable. They deserve more of my time and I intend to give as much time to them that they want, within my ability and constraints of daily life.

Best wishes

Steve

[Guest guest]

That's wonderful I'm glad your wife is telling you what she wants. And Deb is a great source of light and wisdom for advice. Wish you all the best.

Hi

Thank you for your words of support. I am being quite open on this site because I am searching for as many viewpoints on my situation as I can get. I can be quite blind to obvious things some times.

The new information that I have was contained in a reply from my wife to an email containing an account from Deb. Deb's account had so many similarities to my experience and had a very positive outcome.

I have mentioned several times that my wife will not communicate with me at all and she is not willing to help me deal with my AS. I am on my own. My wife confirmed this position in her email. The gist of her email was that she did not want anything from me. She just needed space and that she wanted me to concentrate on better interacting with my daughters. She will just observe my behaviour until she comes out of the other side of menopause and is able to decide if she wants to stay or go.

I have been lacking in the attention that I have given my daughters of late. I can think of many excuses for this, none of which are justifiable. They deserve more of my time and I intend to give as much time to them that they want, within my ability and constraints of daily life.

Best wishes

Steve

[Guest guest]

Hi

Yes! It's good to get some direction. However, I have been warned off sending my

wife any more information. So I fear that this has been a one off event... for

now anyway.

Regards

Steve

[Guest guest]

Hi

Yes! It's good to get some direction. However, I have been warned off sending my

wife any more information. So I fear that this has been a one off event... for

now anyway.

Regards

Steve

[Guest guest]

SteveIf you have items (printouts, clippings, articles, etc) that you would wish for her to be aware of, you can collect these items in a folder until such time as she is receptive. You never know when she may become amenable to hearing about one or more of these points. ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:41:19 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Hi - Steve VERY LONG POST!!! Hi Yes! It's good to get some direction. However, I have been warned off sending my wife any more information. So I fear that this has been a one off event... for now anyway.RegardsSteve