Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Hi K, and welcome - I have a six-month old son, and would never let my nada anywhere near him. This is because she is so incredibly unstable. She is a reckless driver, she self-medicates (and leaves pills around), she loses her temper so quickly that she becomes violent, and she may very well decide to go off for a six-hour nap after one of her tantrums. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think she is emotionally well enough to care for him, and he could easily be in physical danger (I also suspect she would use him to manipulate me once he is older, and I don't ever want him in that position!). That said, my grandmother had NPD traits, and she was an absolutely wonderful influence on my life (this is relative to my nutty parents, of course) So I think you need to evaluate whether you feel that he would be in any danger at all, and that includes his mother's mental stress related to making arrangements with a BPD. If so, tell her you don't want to put her out and value her to highly to use her as a babysitter! Sara > > hi there-i'm new to this group-and to yahoo groups in general. i'm the > adult daughter of a bpd (or traits of) mother. i had a son almost a year > ago, and have been having trouble meeting my mother's expectations of > 'grandmotherhood'. she has not used physical force in years, but is > very manipulative, and so far i have not let her babysit for my little > guy-and this is eating away at her. she constantly offers in the hope > that i'll just one day say 'ok, sure'. but i'm just not ready yet. > i'm not convinced she's ok. any advice? any experience with the > grandchild thing? it's getting really messy! > thanks, > k > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Welcome! I can't tell you what to do, but I wish I had know when my child was this age that my mom was a bp. I left my nada pick up my daughter after school for years. I figured it was at the most 1-11/2 hours a day, and it was better then her being in day care. It got so messy to say the least and nada latched on to my daughter. I know I wouldn't do it again. Nada knew no boundaries and my daughter now a grown 23 year old, will share things with me. My mother never beat her or was physically abusive, but there was other things going on which were inappropriate. My daughter was nada sounding board, helper, and she used my daughter just like she used me. Nada was devasted when she couldn't pick her up from school anymore and she made such a fuss over not being wanted, she refused to drive anywhere, and my fada for the past 7 years has taken her everywhere. Each nada is the same in many ways, but they are also different too. I always say go with your inner voice, it is telling you something. Good Luck and keep posting! Malinda > > > > hi there-i'm new to this group-and to yahoo groups in general. > i'm the > > adult daughter of a bpd (or traits of) mother. i had a son almost > a year > > ago, and have been having trouble meeting my mother's expectations > of > > 'grandmotherhood'. she has not used physical force in years, but > is > > very manipulative, and so far i have not let her babysit for my > little > > guy-and this is eating away at her. she constantly offers in the > hope > > that i'll just one day say 'ok, sure'. but i'm just not ready > yet. > > i'm not convinced she's ok. any advice? any experience with the > > grandchild thing? it's getting really messy! > > thanks, > > k > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Welcome, K! YOU are the mother now, and you have your son's well being to think about. Others' feelings in the matter are not your concern. She can content herself with visiting with him, but she seems to be insisting on being alone with him. If this gives you a creepy feeling -- no matter how strong or weak the feeling is -- LISTEN to it!! Stand strong -- be polite but firm in your decision. If she starts in on trying to make you feel guilty, don't take it in -- detach. You should be totally comfortable with anyone sitting with your son. Your mother will have to learn to live with your decisions in your son's best interests. It's only getting " messy " if you let it get to you -- which is exactly what a manipulator wants. The " mess " is on her end, not yours. It's not your concern, so detach. {hugs} Kyla > > hi there-i'm new to this group-and to yahoo groups in general. i'm the > adult daughter of a bpd (or traits of) mother. i had a son almost a year > ago, and have been having trouble meeting my mother's expectations of > 'grandmotherhood'. she has not used physical force in years, but is > very manipulative, and so far i have not let her babysit for my little > guy-and this is eating away at her. she constantly offers in the hope > that i'll just one day say 'ok, sure'. but i'm just not ready yet. > i'm not convinced she's ok. any advice? any experience with the > grandchild thing? it's getting really messy! > thanks, > k > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 i'd like to highlight the great advice i got in just three postings: So I think you need to evaluate whether you feel that he would be in any danger at all, and that includes his mother's mental stress related to making arrangements with a BPD. Sara Each nada is the same in many ways, but they are also different too. I always say go with your inner voice, it is telling you something. Malinda … she seems to be insisting on being alone with him. If this gives you a creepy feeling -- no matter how strong or weak the feeling is -- LISTEN to it!! Kyla THANKS. I WILL KEEP POSTING!!! hugs back, Katy > > > > hi there-i'm new to this group-and to yahoo groups in general. > i'm the > > adult daughter of a bpd (or traits of) mother. i had a son almost > a year > > ago, and have been having trouble meeting my mother's expectations > of > > 'grandmotherhood'. she has not used physical force in years, but > is > > very manipulative, and so far i have not let her babysit for my > little > > guy-and this is eating away at her. she constantly offers in the > hope > > that i'll just one day say 'ok, sure'. but i'm just not ready > yet. > > i'm not convinced she's ok. any advice? any experience with the > > grandchild thing? it's getting really messy! > > thanks, > > k > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 I would say the most important thing is, don't do anything you don't want to do. That's also really important for your mental health. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 > > hi there-i'm new to this group-and to yahoo groups in general. i'm the > adult daughter of a bpd (or traits of) mother. i had a son almost a year > ago, and have been having trouble meeting my mother's expectations of > 'grandmotherhood'. she has not used physical force in years, but is > very manipulative, and so far i have not let her babysit for my little > guy-and this is eating away at her. she constantly offers in the hope > that i'll just one day say 'ok, sure'. but i'm just not ready yet. > i'm not convinced she's ok. any advice? any experience with the > grandchild thing? it's getting really messy! > thanks, > k > Are you kidding me?!?! Listen to yourself and you'll know the answer! If you have any doubts, why would you endanger your kid? What is more important: your kid's wellfare or your mother's feelings and/or your relationship with her? This is just HER again, trying to make you do something you don't want to do through guilt. She's spent your whole life training you to feel guilty and inadequate, so of course you're going to doubt your reasoning. You need to buck up and stand firm. You are the first and only line of defense between your child and your mother. How did she raise you? How did she make you feel about yourself? How much misery is in your heart because of her? Don't feel guilty. Don't. And this leads to another good point: you'd better have a will and you'd BETTER have someone listed as legal guardian on your will who is NOT your mother. Because if you don't, she will do everything she can to take that kid and torment it just like she did you (if you should die). I know I sound brutal, but I'm done with guilt. I'm am angry about how these women have moulded us into people without backbone. My backbone is here and I intend to stand firm. I have figured it out: her problems are NOT mine and I owe her nothing. Life makes so much more sense that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2007 Report Share Posted May 7, 2007 Like a lot of us, you know what's right for your son. The hard part is sticking to your choice when your mother acts like she inevitably will continue to act. It's not easy, but as someone who had my own child possessed by my mother, I can confidently say you are making the right choice. BPD mothers see grandchildren as THEIRS and that they are ENTITLED to them. That's not healthy for the kid,the mom or the grandma. Period. I've never heard a story of a BPD grandparent that treated their grandchild with the autonomy, respect and boundaries kids need. Don't do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2007 Report Share Posted May 7, 2007 Go with your gut feeling. You're not convinced she'd be ok with your son... then don't do it. Stick to your guns. twin.less cyclebreaker5k wrote: hi there-i'm new to this group-and to yahoo groups in general. i'm the adult daughter of a bpd (or traits of) mother. i had a son almost a year ago, and have been having trouble meeting my mother's expectations of 'grandmotherhood'. she has not used physical force in years, but is very manipulative, and so far i have not let her babysit for my little guy-and this is eating away at her. she constantly offers in the hope that i'll just one day say 'ok, sure'. but i'm just not ready yet. i'm not convinced she's ok. any advice? any experience with the grandchild thing? it's getting really messy! thanks, k --------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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