FW: dear diary

[Guest guest]

this was posted on another list that is for a bunch of women (and one man)

to support each other while we try to get in shape... i thought this was

really funny!

*~*~*~*~*

Carolyn

RE:

> Dear Diary...

>

> For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a

> week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am

> still in great shape since playing on my highschool softball

> team, I decided

> it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called

> the club and

> made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who

> identified

> himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for

> athletic clothing

> and swim wear.

> My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club

> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

>

> Monday:

> Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting

> for me..He

> is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a

> dazzling

> white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the

> machines. He

> took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my

> pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in

> his Lycra

> aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he

> conducted his

> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was

> encouraging

> as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from

> holding it in

> the whole time he was around.

> This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

>

> Tuesday:

> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce

> made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air

> --then he put

> weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but

> I made the

> full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!

> It's a whole new life for me.

> Bring on tomorrow.

>

> Wednesday:

> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on

> the counter

> and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

> hernia in both

> pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or

> stop. I parked

> on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me,

> insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice

> is a little

> too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets

> this nasally

> whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the

> treadmill, so

> Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone

> invent a machine

> to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it

> would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

>

> Thursday:

> Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,

> cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help

> being half an

> hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to

> work out

> with dumbbells.. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the

> women's room.

> He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the

> rowing machine --

> which I sank.

>

> Friday:

> I hate that sadistic bastard Bruce more than any human being has

> ever hated

> any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,

> skinny, anemic

> little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without

> unbearable pain,

> I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my

> triceps; I don't

> have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,

> don't hand me

> the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

> (Which I am sure

> you learned in the sadist school you attended and where you

> graduated magna

> cum laude.)

> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and

> nutrition teacher.

> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or

> the choir

> director?

>

> Saturday:

> That little twerp Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his

> grating, shrilly, faggot voice, wondering why I did not show up

> today. Just

> hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I

> couldn't move and I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote

> so I ended

> up catching eleven straight hours of the stupid Weather Channel.

>

> Sunday:

> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

> thank GOD

> that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will

> choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

---

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