This is my first post...warning, long :-)

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm trying to formulate where to begin.

I'm a 40-something who has known my mother was mentally ill in some

way for as long as I can remember. In the last few months I have

learned that her disorder has a name, and it isn't uncommon. Several

books have pointed me along that path, most notably " Understanding

the Borderline Mother " which I'm sure is a staple around here. That

book describes her with a laser-like focus.

My mother has a number of the hermit attributes, but I would consider

her pretty " off the chart " in the witch attribute category. I have

had the unfortunate role of the " no good child " for as long as I can

remember. My life has been punctuated with a decent amount of success

and it would seem my mother may well be jealous of it. It's easy to

say that a lot of my achievement was at least partially to attempt to

win mom's approval. That ain't gonna happen...ever. Sad realization,

but no matter how I have lived my life she hasn't approved...and I'm

a squeaky clean square by most people's standards. She acts like I'm

defective to my core. Yes, I know that isn't true, but as UBM says,

if your mom says you're rotten, you do on a certain level believe it

and spend a lot of time refuting it in your own mind. What a waste...

Sometimes I think she " self medicates " through the tantrums. Her

impulse control is pretty low a lot of the time. I've been yelled at

a lot for very slight infractions, like using my sister's nickname on

a card for her, and not putting " Mrs. " in front of my mother's name

when addressing something to send to her. I mean, screaming about

it..as if.

My sister, although not immune from having to deal with the witch

symptoms, is by far the favored child. She has been successful but

was always compared to her overachieving sister (me) by others

outside the family so perhaps she is safer to my mom.

I've been married a long time to a good man. We have a strong and

loving relationship. I am surprised sometimes that he was willing to

marry me because my mother put on quite a show before we were

married. You understand--extreme yelling and screaming, all hours of

the night, for stupid/immaterial things, exaggerating, highly

abusive. Of course, probably just pure unadulterated jealousy that

someone else was going to get all the attention. He is the only guy

who can put her in her place sometimes. He isn't ugly about it but he

will call her and tell her firmly that she can't treat me the way she

does. She responds to him almost like a petulant child...not a

surprise, I guess. She relents for a while and then goes back to the

same old madness.

A couple of weeks ago I was driving her a long distance from one

location to another (it's a several day drive in total and I help her

out with this a couple of times a year). The two of us stopped in the

city where my sister lives to visit. During the visit my mother

unloaded on me for an issue anyone else would consider pretty minot.

It's happened many times before. Since my sister lives in an

apartment, I was concerned the police would be called (my mother has

had the cops called on her before by neighbors). I got pretty upset

(I'd like to say I stayed calm, but I didn't get nearly as agitated

as she did, at least) and told her " if that's what you think of me, I

need to leave now. " So I packed up my suitcase and left, walked out

onto a bustling road in a city hundreds of miles from my home, and

called my husband saying " please call me a cab, I need to get a hotel

and fly home tomorrow. " He called some dear friends of ours who came

to get me and I stayed at their home that evening. My mother called

my cell phone and said " you know you're cared about, and you can come

back now. " I said " I love you, but I can't come back tonight. "

Of course, she is not speaking to me now. She is still at my

sister's, obviously flustered about how she is going to get home now

that her chauffeur (aka me) hit the road. In some ways it is easier

that she is not speaking to me, but I would prefer that we had some

kind of relationship. I know she isn't capable of love, at least in

the way I would define it, and I'll try to do the right thing for

her, but of course I'm angry...there are a lot of other stressors in

my life and I could not let her add this to my heap o' tension.

I think I need to look up the symptoms of PTSD because I probably

have 'em right now.

If you read this far, thank you! Sorry for the long post. Guess it's

40 plus years of anger and pain starting to come out on paper (or in

the cybersphere)... ;-)

[Guest guest]

Welcome -- and, even though a warning of a long post is considerate,

no apology is necessary! I like the way you express yourself.

Your points and conclusions were dead-on, in my opinion -- (I'm

a " 40-something " , too!) The themes sounded very familiar to me, and

I'm sure to most others. The book Understanding the Borderline

Mother is indeed a valued resource here.

I have often thought that the angry tantrums of my mother were like

an addiction to her as well. I think it gave her, for those

fleeting moments, a sense of power -- after feeling empty and

powerless against the world on a daily basis. The problem is, when

they indulge their temper, those closest to them pay a price.

The jealousy thing is something I deal with, too. Until I learned

about BPD last summer, I kept trying and trying to share our good

fortune with them -- inviting them to plays, shows, and then our new

lakehouse. I usually got back a resounding lack of effort my

direction. It was like banging my head against the wall.

Finding out about BPD, this site and the wonderful people here has

helped me put those confusing pieces together: the problem wasn't

with me or the things I was trying to present them with -- the

problem was THEM.

You'll find we get a lot of new people and some people drop off for

a time -- so, depending on what is cycling through at the moment, a

post or two might be missed. I know I'm hugely busy right now with

my kids' school year closing down, so I can't check in as often.

So, don't take it personally if it seems quiet around here.

Again, WELCOME! Glad you're here --

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Hi, I'm trying to formulate where to begin.

>

> I'm a 40-something who has known my mother was mentally ill in

some

> way for as long as I can remember. In the last few months I have

> learned that her disorder has a name, and it isn't uncommon.

Several

> books have pointed me along that path, most notably " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " which I'm sure is a staple around here.

That

> book describes her with a laser-like focus.

>

> My mother has a number of the hermit attributes, but I would

consider

> her pretty " off the chart " in the witch attribute category. I have

> had the unfortunate role of the " no good child " for as long as I

can

> remember. My life has been punctuated with a decent amount of

success

> and it would seem my mother may well be jealous of it. It's easy

to

> say that a lot of my achievement was at least partially to attempt

to

> win mom's approval. That ain't gonna happen...ever. Sad

realization,

> but no matter how I have lived my life she hasn't approved...and

I'm

> a squeaky clean square by most people's standards. She acts like

I'm

> defective to my core. Yes, I know that isn't true, but as UBM

says,

> if your mom says you're rotten, you do on a certain level believe

it

> and spend a lot of time refuting it in your own mind. What a

waste...

>

> Sometimes I think she " self medicates " through the tantrums. Her

> impulse control is pretty low a lot of the time. I've been yelled

at

> a lot for very slight infractions, like using my sister's nickname

on

> a card for her, and not putting " Mrs. " in front of my mother's

name

> when addressing something to send to her. I mean, screaming about

> it..as if.

>

> My sister, although not immune from having to deal with the witch

> symptoms, is by far the favored child. She has been successful but

> was always compared to her overachieving sister (me) by others

> outside the family so perhaps she is safer to my mom.

>

> I've been married a long time to a good man. We have a strong and

> loving relationship. I am surprised sometimes that he was willing

to

> marry me because my mother put on quite a show before we were

> married. You understand--extreme yelling and screaming, all hours

of

> the night, for stupid/immaterial things, exaggerating, highly

> abusive. Of course, probably just pure unadulterated jealousy that

> someone else was going to get all the attention. He is the only

guy

> who can put her in her place sometimes. He isn't ugly about it but

he

> will call her and tell her firmly that she can't treat me the way

she

> does. She responds to him almost like a petulant child...not a

> surprise, I guess. She relents for a while and then goes back to

the

> same old madness.

>

> A couple of weeks ago I was driving her a long distance from one

> location to another (it's a several day drive in total and I help

her

> out with this a couple of times a year). The two of us stopped in

the

> city where my sister lives to visit. During the visit my mother

> unloaded on me for an issue anyone else would consider pretty

minot.

> It's happened many times before. Since my sister lives in an

> apartment, I was concerned the police would be called (my mother

has

> had the cops called on her before by neighbors). I got pretty

upset

> (I'd like to say I stayed calm, but I didn't get nearly as

agitated

> as she did, at least) and told her " if that's what you think of

me, I

> need to leave now. " So I packed up my suitcase and left, walked

out

> onto a bustling road in a city hundreds of miles from my home, and

> called my husband saying " please call me a cab, I need to get a

hotel

> and fly home tomorrow. " He called some dear friends of ours who

came

> to get me and I stayed at their home that evening. My mother

called

> my cell phone and said " you know you're cared about, and you can

come

> back now. " I said " I love you, but I can't come back tonight. "

>

> Of course, she is not speaking to me now. She is still at my

> sister's, obviously flustered about how she is going to get home

now

> that her chauffeur (aka me) hit the road. In some ways it is

easier

> that she is not speaking to me, but I would prefer that we had

some

> kind of relationship. I know she isn't capable of love, at least

in

> the way I would define it, and I'll try to do the right thing for

> her, but of course I'm angry...there are a lot of other stressors

in

> my life and I could not let her add this to my heap o' tension.

>

> I think I need to look up the symptoms of PTSD because I probably

> have 'em right now.

>

> If you read this far, thank you! Sorry for the long post. Guess

it's

> 40 plus years of anger and pain starting to come out on paper (or

in

> the cybersphere)... ;-)

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome -- and, even though a warning of a long post is considerate,

no apology is necessary! I like the way you express yourself.

Your points and conclusions were dead-on, in my opinion -- (I'm

a " 40-something " , too!) The themes sounded very familiar to me, and

I'm sure to most others. The book Understanding the Borderline

Mother is indeed a valued resource here.

I have often thought that the angry tantrums of my mother were like

an addiction to her as well. I think it gave her, for those

fleeting moments, a sense of power -- after feeling empty and

powerless against the world on a daily basis. The problem is, when

they indulge their temper, those closest to them pay a price.

The jealousy thing is something I deal with, too. Until I learned

about BPD last summer, I kept trying and trying to share our good

fortune with them -- inviting them to plays, shows, and then our new

lakehouse. I usually got back a resounding lack of effort my

direction. It was like banging my head against the wall.

Finding out about BPD, this site and the wonderful people here has

helped me put those confusing pieces together: the problem wasn't

with me or the things I was trying to present them with -- the

problem was THEM.

You'll find we get a lot of new people and some people drop off for

a time -- so, depending on what is cycling through at the moment, a

post or two might be missed. I know I'm hugely busy right now with

my kids' school year closing down, so I can't check in as often.

So, don't take it personally if it seems quiet around here.

Again, WELCOME! Glad you're here --

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Hi, I'm trying to formulate where to begin.

>

> I'm a 40-something who has known my mother was mentally ill in

some

> way for as long as I can remember. In the last few months I have

> learned that her disorder has a name, and it isn't uncommon.

Several

> books have pointed me along that path, most notably " Understanding

> the Borderline Mother " which I'm sure is a staple around here.

That

> book describes her with a laser-like focus.

>

> My mother has a number of the hermit attributes, but I would

consider

> her pretty " off the chart " in the witch attribute category. I have

> had the unfortunate role of the " no good child " for as long as I

can

> remember. My life has been punctuated with a decent amount of

success

> and it would seem my mother may well be jealous of it. It's easy

to

> say that a lot of my achievement was at least partially to attempt

to

> win mom's approval. That ain't gonna happen...ever. Sad

realization,

> but no matter how I have lived my life she hasn't approved...and

I'm

> a squeaky clean square by most people's standards. She acts like

I'm

> defective to my core. Yes, I know that isn't true, but as UBM

says,

> if your mom says you're rotten, you do on a certain level believe

it

> and spend a lot of time refuting it in your own mind. What a

waste...

>

> Sometimes I think she " self medicates " through the tantrums. Her

> impulse control is pretty low a lot of the time. I've been yelled

at

> a lot for very slight infractions, like using my sister's nickname

on

> a card for her, and not putting " Mrs. " in front of my mother's

name

> when addressing something to send to her. I mean, screaming about

> it..as if.

>

> My sister, although not immune from having to deal with the witch

> symptoms, is by far the favored child. She has been successful but

> was always compared to her overachieving sister (me) by others

> outside the family so perhaps she is safer to my mom.

>

> I've been married a long time to a good man. We have a strong and

> loving relationship. I am surprised sometimes that he was willing

to

> marry me because my mother put on quite a show before we were

> married. You understand--extreme yelling and screaming, all hours

of

> the night, for stupid/immaterial things, exaggerating, highly

> abusive. Of course, probably just pure unadulterated jealousy that

> someone else was going to get all the attention. He is the only

guy

> who can put her in her place sometimes. He isn't ugly about it but

he

> will call her and tell her firmly that she can't treat me the way

she

> does. She responds to him almost like a petulant child...not a

> surprise, I guess. She relents for a while and then goes back to

the

> same old madness.

>

> A couple of weeks ago I was driving her a long distance from one

> location to another (it's a several day drive in total and I help

her

> out with this a couple of times a year). The two of us stopped in

the

> city where my sister lives to visit. During the visit my mother

> unloaded on me for an issue anyone else would consider pretty

minot.

> It's happened many times before. Since my sister lives in an

> apartment, I was concerned the police would be called (my mother

has

> had the cops called on her before by neighbors). I got pretty

upset

> (I'd like to say I stayed calm, but I didn't get nearly as

agitated

> as she did, at least) and told her " if that's what you think of

me, I

> need to leave now. " So I packed up my suitcase and left, walked

out

> onto a bustling road in a city hundreds of miles from my home, and

> called my husband saying " please call me a cab, I need to get a

hotel

> and fly home tomorrow. " He called some dear friends of ours who

came

> to get me and I stayed at their home that evening. My mother

called

> my cell phone and said " you know you're cared about, and you can

come

> back now. " I said " I love you, but I can't come back tonight. "

>

> Of course, she is not speaking to me now. She is still at my

> sister's, obviously flustered about how she is going to get home

now

> that her chauffeur (aka me) hit the road. In some ways it is

easier

> that she is not speaking to me, but I would prefer that we had

some

> kind of relationship. I know she isn't capable of love, at least

in

> the way I would define it, and I'll try to do the right thing for

> her, but of course I'm angry...there are a lot of other stressors

in

> my life and I could not let her add this to my heap o' tension.

>

> I think I need to look up the symptoms of PTSD because I probably

> have 'em right now.

>

> If you read this far, thank you! Sorry for the long post. Guess

it's

> 40 plus years of anger and pain starting to come out on paper (or

in

> the cybersphere)... ;-)

>