afraid to tell people about my BPD nada

April 21, 2007

I'm afraid to really open up to men and have a close relationship

with someone. My first bf was a complete nightmare, thanks to nada's

insanity! And a few years later I ended up with an abusive type who

I swear was on the look out for a girl like me! So now I feel really

uncomfortable opening myself up in relationships. I feel like if I

tell them about my nada having BPD they will think " oh well if her

mom's crazy, then she must be crazy too! " Do you suppose people

REALLY think that? Or is it just an anxiety I have? Because I'm

often afraid friends will think that too, so I just keep it to

myself.

But I also worry that they might think I am lying or that I'm just

saying that for attention, or that I am sharing too much personal

information. I never know when it's appropriate to tell someone

about my nada, so I never do. And I can NOT tell her that I have a

boyfriend because all hell would break loose (she actually thinks

I've only had the first one, and now she tells people I'm a

lesbian!!! which is a whole other story!)

So then they never meet my family and I suppose it's hard to get

close to me when I won't open up to you, and I realize that NOW and

I understand that if I ever want to be in a more mature relationship

with someone I HAVE to tell them these things as some time. But how

do I know when it's too soon?

I've had friends in the past that I did tell about my mom having

bpd and some would act like I was lying and a few pple have made

rude comments about it just to hurt me, so now it's hard to open up.

And when I do, I feel so afraid that that person is somehow going to

use that knowledge against me (or will just not like me anymore)

that I end up blowing them off first, before they can do it to me.

Basically I feel like when/if I have to tell a guy about this it

will completley change their ideas of me. He will either think 1) I

am crazy 2) I will someday be crazy 3) I am a liar 4)he's free to

use me, or 5) there is just too much baggage in my past for him to

want to be with me.

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