Re: Generations of BPD

[Guest guest]

My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him.

That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

[Guest guest]

My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him.

That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

[Guest guest]

Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD),

undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with

nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed

out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a

glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was

back to her same ways.

[Guest guest]

Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD),

undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with

nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed

out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a

glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was

back to her same ways.

[Guest guest]

Oh that stinks! To see a glimmer of hope and then have it dashed is

worse than seeing no glimmer at all!

>

> Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD),

> undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with

> nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed

> out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a

> glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was

> back to her same ways.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh that stinks! To see a glimmer of hope and then have it dashed is

worse than seeing no glimmer at all!

>

> Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD),

> undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with

> nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed

> out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a

> glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was

> back to her same ways.

>

[Guest guest]

I may get flamed for this but BPDS having been suposedly abused as kids

doesnt fly with me. They lie about everything and see " abuse " in everything.

Don't beleive everything they say about ther own parents. They lie about you

what makes you think they wont lie about thier own parents? We all were born

with a brain and sooner or later we all make the choice to take responsibility

for our own actions. BPDs react and behave the way they do on the basis of

thier *percieved* abandonment. An early child trauma may have something to

do with it, creating the " abandonment issue " . Abuse might have been involved.

But whos to prove that? Never forget just who it is making these claims of

abuse. They will do the same to you they have done it before. You cant trust

anything they say.

Nan

little

>

> Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD?

>

> For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks

> would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

>

> When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal &

> physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just

> sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize.

> Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> apology...surprise surprise!

>

> It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so

> the cycle will finally end.

>

[Guest guest]

I may get flamed for this but BPDS having been suposedly abused as kids

doesnt fly with me. They lie about everything and see " abuse " in everything.

Don't beleive everything they say about ther own parents. They lie about you

what makes you think they wont lie about thier own parents? We all were born

with a brain and sooner or later we all make the choice to take responsibility

for our own actions. BPDs react and behave the way they do on the basis of

thier *percieved* abandonment. An early child trauma may have something to

do with it, creating the " abandonment issue " . Abuse might have been involved.

But whos to prove that? Never forget just who it is making these claims of

abuse. They will do the same to you they have done it before. You cant trust

anything they say.

Nan

little

>

> Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD?

>

> For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks

> would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

>

> When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal &

> physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just

> sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize.

> Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> apology...surprise surprise!

>

> It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so

> the cycle will finally end.

>

[Guest guest]

This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. My

grandmother was a very good grandmother to me, but I'm starting to

suspect that my mother may have been her " all-bad " child, at least

when she was younger. She never had a rage that I can remember, but

she would make condescending comments sometimes. I remember her

telling people how funny it was that the two of her children who

were the most educated made the least money. Also, my mother

complained a lot about how much attention she always wanted. The

biggest tipoff for me was the family relationships though, two of

her sons had very limited contact with her for most of their adult

lives, while her daughters didn't seem to really separate - my nada

spoke to her on the phone several times a week.

When I started therapy I used to try to trace this even further

back, because I know my grandmother's father was an alcoholic...but

there's only so much you can do.

Sara

>

> Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with

BPD?

>

> For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my

folks

> would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

>

> When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

verbal &

> physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to

just

> sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would

apologize.

> Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone — & no

> apology...surprise surprise!

>

> It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids

so

> the cycle will finally end.

>

[Guest guest]

I worked with a woman who seemed very nice but her out of state grown

son won't speak to her and she brought that up ALL the time. People

would say to her " I can't imagine how your son could not like you.

You are so great! " (This perked my own ears up!) Then I heard her

say something about slapping her son's face when he was in his early

20's over something he said that she did not like and I think that

must have driven him over the edge. Can you imagine slapping a grown

man??? How demeaning! I tend to believe that whenever a child goes

LC or NC, they have a very good reason.

As for lacking attention, my mother was the youngest of 5 and they

were very poor (making their own clothes, raising chickens, tin roof,

tiny house), so she probably learned early on that her mother didn't

have time for her emotional needs. Maybe that contributed.

>

> This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. My

> grandmother was a very good grandmother to me, but I'm starting to

> suspect that my mother may have been her " all-bad " child, at least

> when she was younger. She never had a rage that I can remember, but

> she would make condescending comments sometimes. I remember her

> telling people how funny it was that the two of her children who

> were the most educated made the least money. Also, my mother

> complained a lot about how much attention she always wanted. The

> biggest tipoff for me was the family relationships though, two of

> her sons had very limited contact with her for most of their adult

> lives, while her daughters didn't seem to really separate - my nada

> spoke to her on the phone several times a week.

>

> When I started therapy I used to try to trace this even further

> back, because I know my grandmother's father was an alcoholic...but

> there's only so much you can do.

>

> Sara

>

[Guest guest]

Multigenerational? Yes. My fada's paternal grandmother was said to

be " crazy " . My fada says his dad was " mean " to him, though I never

saw any evidence of this and he was always just a sweet grandpa to me.

My fada seemed to have a very close relationship with his mother who

is passed now. My fada definately has some type of personality

disorder (undiagnosed), cluster B for sure. I have recently gone on

NC with fada until he sees a shrink.

I see the signs in one of my own four children. He was never abused

or abandoned, in fact, quite the opposite. He was breast fed and

never left my side for the first 3 years of his life, but even as an

infant, he would cry if I put him down for a second to have his photo

made (I would be standing right there near him). Several of his

infant photos show him crying in misery because I was not holding

him...lol. He never really bonded with his father though. His father

was always more interested in our older son. Once when this younger

son was 3 years old, I found him in the bathroom running a razor over

his lips. His lips were bleeding and I just picked him up and told

him " no no no, we don't do that " and put a cold cloth on him and some

ointment. I'll never know if he was just trying to be a man and shave

like his dad or if he was actually self-cutting even at that early

age. It has never happened again as far as I know.

As a young child, anytime I would need to leave to go to the store or

run an errand, this younger son would come running out of the house

screaming and chasing me down the street...lol. I would always stop

and reassure him that I would be right back or even let him come

along. He has now moved out from my house and lives with his older

brother who's wife died last year, but he still comes home several

times a week to get his mom fix. He still wants me to cook for

him...which I happily do. When he is upset by life, he calls me and

rants and I have the ability to calm him down. He has trouble

regulating his emotions and he gets into some black moods. I keep an

eye on him and eventually, if I see that he is becoming unable to

recover from his episodes, or that he is inflicting pain on others, I

will see to it that he gets on some good meds. I hate to think of his

reaction and ability to cope when I pass on.

I believe that this is a biological brain disorder in my family. My

sister also has issues with personality disorders, even though she had

and still has a very close and loving relationship with our mother.

All of the people who have this problem in my family also have

problems with reading. They have difficulty decoding letters and with

comprehension. I know that in my own family, my fada's severe

episodes, constant belittling, and badgering could have caused a lot

of my sister's problems or at least made them worse. I have been able

to overcome most of my own childhood trauma, but I have a strong

brain. I was always an excellent reader, I have a grad level

education, and I have always sought therapy when needed for my own

peace of mind.

Does anyone else notice that their family members with personality

disorders also have reading difficulties?

>

> Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD?

>

> For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks

> would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

>

> When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal &

> physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just

> sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize.

> Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone — & no

> apology...surprise surprise!

>

> It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so

> the cycle will finally end.

>

[Guest guest]

I've wondered if abuse can alter brain function. My grandmother

married an extremely alcoholic and abusive man who would come home

and stalk my mothers mother trying to kill her. Very traumatic on

the children who now all have extreme BPD behaviors.

> >

> > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with

> BPD?

> >

> > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a

bad

> > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the

only

> > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my

> folks

> > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> >

> > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

> verbal &

> > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used

to

> just

> > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would

> apologize.

> > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone � & no

> > apology...surprise surprise!

> >

> > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no

kids

> so

> > the cycle will finally end.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

> Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

>

>

[Guest guest]

same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her family. I

have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it, so I

always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents (?)..Her

mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings that do

say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before I was

born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he was very

quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas eight

siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that were MEAN,

just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors...

Jackie

My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him.

That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

[Guest guest]

How weird I was just thinking about this very subject. My mother's

mother died when I was four and the family rarely mentioned her. In

the past few years I've started hearing stories from mom and her

siblings about granny's crazy behavior and found out she actually

was institutionalized twice and died young from complications of

alcoholism/liver failure (not the 'heart attack' that had been the

previous story). I appreciate they were trying to protect me as a

child and hearing the stories was a little scary. Now that it's

years later I finally understand why such a wonderful person, mom,

would marry such a jerk like my fada. What's really scary is

thinking I have BPD on both sides of my family tree.

Barb

>

> same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her

family. I

> have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it,

so I

> always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents

(?)..Her

> mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings

that do

> say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before

I was

> born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he

was very

> quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas

eight

> siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that

were MEAN,

> just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors...

>

> Jackie

>

>

> My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

> ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

> wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised

him.

> That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

> complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

> anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

>

[Guest guest]

How weird I was just thinking about this very subject. My mother's

mother died when I was four and the family rarely mentioned her. In

the past few years I've started hearing stories from mom and her

siblings about granny's crazy behavior and found out she actually

was institutionalized twice and died young from complications of

alcoholism/liver failure (not the 'heart attack' that had been the

previous story). I appreciate they were trying to protect me as a

child and hearing the stories was a little scary. Now that it's

years later I finally understand why such a wonderful person, mom,

would marry such a jerk like my fada. What's really scary is

thinking I have BPD on both sides of my family tree.

Barb

>

> same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her

family. I

> have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it,

so I

> always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents

(?)..Her

> mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings

that do

> say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before

I was

> born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he

was very

> quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas

eight

> siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that

were MEAN,

> just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors...

>

> Jackie

>

>

> My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

> ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

> wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised

him.

> That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

> complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

> anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to that. My non-nadagrannie on my dad's side, was very

loving...a truly wonderful person—-yet long before I knew her, she had

had a midlife meltdown & was given electric shock therapy...so much

for normal! There are nuts galore in my family, but some of those nuts

were sweet and some were bitter poison.

> >

> > same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her

> family. I

> > have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it,

> so I

> > always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents

> (?)..Her

> > mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings

> that do

> > say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before

> I was

> > born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he

> was very

> > quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas

> eight

> > siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that

> were MEAN,

> > just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

> > ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

> > wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised

> him.

> > That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

> > complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

> > anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to that. My non-nadagrannie on my dad's side, was very

loving...a truly wonderful person—-yet long before I knew her, she had

had a midlife meltdown & was given electric shock therapy...so much

for normal! There are nuts galore in my family, but some of those nuts

were sweet and some were bitter poison.

> >

> > same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her

> family. I

> > have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it,

> so I

> > always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents

> (?)..Her

> > mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings

> that do

> > say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before

> I was

> > born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he

> was very

> > quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas

> eight

> > siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that

> were MEAN,

> > just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> > My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years

> > ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's

> > wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised

> him.

> > That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the

> > complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said

> > anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Great question. A few years back, on a family trip, my great uncle

was in conversation with someone describe how I thought was my nada.

It turned out he was talking about my grandmother. He was describing

a very similar personality. The grandmother I knew didn't seem like a

BPD, but maybe I didn't see it.

My grandafada (maternal) was definitely ill. He use to like to sit in

a rocking chair on the front porch with a shot gun across his lap. He

didn't live in the country. He also " hunted " by BPD sister with his

gun when she was 3 and staying with my grandparents. My grandmother

played a long.

I'm also strongly suspecting that my paternal grandnada is some flavor

of BPD or NPD. It would make sense why nada never got a long with her

(she is a tough person to get along with) and why my fada became a NPD.

I am neither BPD or NPD and I am very consciously choosing my

parenting skills so I neither cling to bad ways or run away from bad

traits and cause different ones to occur. Very middle of the road

coaching interdependence parenting.

cheers,

a

[Guest guest]

Great question. A few years back, on a family trip, my great uncle

was in conversation with someone describe how I thought was my nada.

It turned out he was talking about my grandmother. He was describing

a very similar personality. The grandmother I knew didn't seem like a

BPD, but maybe I didn't see it.

My grandafada (maternal) was definitely ill. He use to like to sit in

a rocking chair on the front porch with a shot gun across his lap. He

didn't live in the country. He also " hunted " by BPD sister with his

gun when she was 3 and staying with my grandparents. My grandmother

played a long.

I'm also strongly suspecting that my paternal grandnada is some flavor

of BPD or NPD. It would make sense why nada never got a long with her

(she is a tough person to get along with) and why my fada became a NPD.

I am neither BPD or NPD and I am very consciously choosing my

parenting skills so I neither cling to bad ways or run away from bad

traits and cause different ones to occur. Very middle of the road

coaching interdependence parenting.

cheers,

a

[Guest guest]

My take on it is that there very likely was abuse in my nada's

childhood - I'll never know whether it was emotional, sexual, or

physical. Otherwise I don't think that she woudl have such a severe

pathology. However, she has never said anything of the sort about

her parents, and pretends she ahd a perfect childhood and gave us a

perfect childhood and so on.

So I am not struggling with exactly the same issues. What I feel

angry with my mother for is not changing. I know that she has had

so many opportunities - every time she demands anti-depressants from

the doctor, once when my brother's therapst said he wanted to see

her, apparently whiel she was in college, when she suffered post-

natal depression...even now. Sometimes I fall for feeling sorry for

her when she is in waif mode, and my husband tells me taht it is

like feeling sorry for a sick person who refuses to go to the

hospital but wants you to feel very badly because they're sick. I

try to hold onto that thought when I feel myself caving.

Sara

> > >

> > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with

BPD?

> > >

> > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a

bad

> > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the

only

> > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada,

my folks

> > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> > >

> > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

verbal &

> > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used

to just

> > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve

to

> > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would

apologize.

> > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> > > apology...surprise surprise!

> > >

> > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no

kids so

> > > the cycle will finally end.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My take on it is that there very likely was abuse in my nada's

childhood - I'll never know whether it was emotional, sexual, or

physical. Otherwise I don't think that she woudl have such a severe

pathology. However, she has never said anything of the sort about

her parents, and pretends she ahd a perfect childhood and gave us a

perfect childhood and so on.

So I am not struggling with exactly the same issues. What I feel

angry with my mother for is not changing. I know that she has had

so many opportunities - every time she demands anti-depressants from

the doctor, once when my brother's therapst said he wanted to see

her, apparently whiel she was in college, when she suffered post-

natal depression...even now. Sometimes I fall for feeling sorry for

her when she is in waif mode, and my husband tells me taht it is

like feeling sorry for a sick person who refuses to go to the

hospital but wants you to feel very badly because they're sick. I

try to hold onto that thought when I feel myself caving.

Sara

> > >

> > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with

BPD?

> > >

> > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a

bad

> > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the

only

> > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada,

my folks

> > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> > >

> > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

verbal &

> > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used

to just

> > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve

to

> > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would

apologize.

> > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> > > apology...surprise surprise!

> > >

> > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no

kids so

> > > the cycle will finally end.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The way i look at it abuse may be prevalent in BPD's childhood, it

could excacerbate the BPD condition. But it exists as coincidence and

not necessarily the cause of BPD.

BPD's core " abandonment " issue is mostly perception on thier part

wheather or not it was real. At one time in *one event* they may have

been traumatized sexually, physically or emotionally at a very young

impressionable age. Before any logic or resoning could develop. Thier

brains were wired around that trauma and they relive it over and over

in every situation without knowing why. It is true that an abusive

family situation is more likely to have put the child through that

specific trauma, or allowed him/her to be exposed to a bad situation.

In my nadas family her own mother had just left a very very sick

situation with her abusive husband - nada's real father. I cant even

say what was transpiring it was that bad. This all happened when Nada

was three. I can see something terrible happening to Nada right about

then. Grandma remarried not long after to a decent comitted fellow

and never allowed anyone in the family to speak her first husbands

name ever. Nada criticizes her to this day for that but the rest of

us know its becasue of the horrid things ____ did to grandma. Who

knows probably something really unspeakable was done to Nada and she

had no choice but to get her and the children out.

Fast forward about fifty or sixty years. Nada complains this and that

about her sisters and mother etc.. None of the suposed abuse really

happend the way nada says it. It's allways twisted around and she

never ever considers emotions or needs of the others. In fact Nada

and her sister were mostly raised by aunts and uncles who were known

for thier kindness and loyalty to one another. They had lots of

chances to be raised " right " and didnt spend a whole lot of time

exclusively with the parents. BTW her parents have allways known

something was not " right " with nada. In fact it was nadas own mother,

my grandma who remains to this day the ONLY person in her FOO who

would acknowlege and respect why i cut off all contact with nada. She

could not quite accept it but oh she knew exactly why. I bet nada

made her own mothers life a living hell.

What i just dont understand about nada and BPD is why can't they

decide for themselves? " Hey what I am doing is not working " . And take

steps to get help and change thier behavior. Are they that wrapped up

in thier own imediate needs and wants and feelings? They cant think

ahead of themselves and decide if A) I do this then B)this will

happen instead of screaming about the same thing over and over and

getting the same negative results. Alienating everyone close to them

whom they need so much.

Dang must be a living hell to have any logical thought overidden by

such destructive emotions. But you know what? Its thier choice and it

allways has been.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted

with

> BPD?

> > > >

> > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had

a

> bad

> > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was

the

> only

> > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada,

> my folks

> > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> > > >

> > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

> verbal &

> > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I

used

> to just

> > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve

> to

> > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would

> apologize.

> > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> > > > apology...surprise surprise!

> > > >

> > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of

NC.

> > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no

> kids so

> > > > the cycle will finally end.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Okay, this post really reminded me of the time I stayed with a

boyfriend's family for a week when I was 18. His grandmother came

over from Italy, and her husband died after she had a couple kids, but

when he was still quite young. I stayed at his mom's house and his

grandma was living there. Now, his mom was so mean to his

grandmother, yelling at her all the time for being in the way and

such. One evening, grandma cried in front of me on the sofa and

begged for god to take her.

So I'm of course thinking, this poor 85 year old woman is being very

poorly treated...what is mom's problem? So I start to talk with my

boyfriend about it and he says that his grandmother never worked, and

she lived on SSI after the husband died and his mom had to start

working at a very young age and grandma would take her checks from her

and cash them, and buy stuff for herself with them. Also, grandma

NEVER EVER EVER EVER lived without her daughter in the same house.

Mom felt some obligation to keep grandma with her, even after she

married. And grandma never bothered to date again, even though she

was plenty young enough, and instead wrapped her whole life around

this daughter who felt obligated to care for her.

So I'm guessing there is probably a whole lot more to that story as

well. But mom spent her whole life caring for this woman, never

getting to be her own person, and now that she was older, she seemed

to have the nerve to speak, but never to break away. I'm guessing

that all those years of putting herself last and being subjected

to...who knows what, made mom pretty crazy, crazy enough to yell at a

nice, helpless old lady.

And that haircut thing brought back a memory for me also, which was my

mother complaining that she didn't like my haircutter, and every time

I got a haircut, she would tell me over and over for days that it

looked like crap, even as I rolled out of bed. And she'd tell me I

was lazy and stupid and my boyfriend was ugly and I didn't know what I

was talking about and she would laugh at me and...you get the picture.

So to someone on the outside...it's just a haircut, but to me it's

one more of a million things I was continually criticized for!

Now, who knows about your mom and grandmom? Only they do. I know in

my own case, that there was nobody else there to witness many of the

hateful words, hateful looks, etc. except for her and I.

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " rainbowisteria "

wrote:

>

> This comment really resonated with me. I don't know what happened to

my mother, and it

> is a real struggle to see our family through my own eyes. According

to her, she was

> physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by various members of

the family, from HER

> mother, to her grandfather, her brother...it is all very confusing.

I have always resented her

> constant harping on the abuse. It is a perpetual victimization

thing, and my stomach turns

> at the constant call for emotional support, particularly when she

reminds me how " lucky " I

> am that I grew up in a healthy home.

>

> What throws me off is her reference to present day abuse. It could

literally be the " abuse "

> of my grandmothers saying she does not like mom's haircut. This

sends my mom into a

> frenzy. And I've been aware since my own childhood of my mother's

cruelty to my

> grandmother. Mom's 64, Nanny is 97, and my mom will berate her

mother until she cries!

> I've always tried to protect my grandmother, but it is hard for me

to really " get " their

> relationship. I see that my Nanny is not particularly kind, but

she's always been good to

> me, and she's NOTHING like my mom in terms of raging. If anything,

when I see her

> cowering, crying and apologizing to my mom, I think the abuse is

quite clearly in the other

> direction.

>

> This has made my adult relationships with family members very

difficult. My mom will say

> stuff like " if you only heard what Nanny said about you behind your

back " in order to keep

> me from getting close. And when I start developing a good rapport

with my uncle and

> cousins, she immediately starts telling me that he is cruel and

abusive and selfish.

>

> Do you think my uncle and grandmother see that there is a problem?

Sometimes I think

> they believe that I'm just like my mother. I work really hard to

prove that I'm different. All I

> know is, my uncle moved 3000 miles away from my mom and grandma, and

he's told me

> that was on purpose, so I think he must recognize something's amiss.

>

> I don't know if there was abuse or not. Trusting family is so hard.

My mother has taught

> me not to. Does anyone else have this kind of confusion? I find it

overwhelming.

>

> Love,

> RbW

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD?

> > >

> > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my

folks

> > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> > >

> > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

verbal &

> > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used

to just

> > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize.

> > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> > > apology...surprise surprise!

> > >

> > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so

> > > the cycle will finally end.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Okay, this post really reminded me of the time I stayed with a

boyfriend's family for a week when I was 18. His grandmother came

over from Italy, and her husband died after she had a couple kids, but

when he was still quite young. I stayed at his mom's house and his

grandma was living there. Now, his mom was so mean to his

grandmother, yelling at her all the time for being in the way and

such. One evening, grandma cried in front of me on the sofa and

begged for god to take her.

So I'm of course thinking, this poor 85 year old woman is being very

poorly treated...what is mom's problem? So I start to talk with my

boyfriend about it and he says that his grandmother never worked, and

she lived on SSI after the husband died and his mom had to start

working at a very young age and grandma would take her checks from her

and cash them, and buy stuff for herself with them. Also, grandma

NEVER EVER EVER EVER lived without her daughter in the same house.

Mom felt some obligation to keep grandma with her, even after she

married. And grandma never bothered to date again, even though she

was plenty young enough, and instead wrapped her whole life around

this daughter who felt obligated to care for her.

So I'm guessing there is probably a whole lot more to that story as

well. But mom spent her whole life caring for this woman, never

getting to be her own person, and now that she was older, she seemed

to have the nerve to speak, but never to break away. I'm guessing

that all those years of putting herself last and being subjected

to...who knows what, made mom pretty crazy, crazy enough to yell at a

nice, helpless old lady.

And that haircut thing brought back a memory for me also, which was my

mother complaining that she didn't like my haircutter, and every time

I got a haircut, she would tell me over and over for days that it

looked like crap, even as I rolled out of bed. And she'd tell me I

was lazy and stupid and my boyfriend was ugly and I didn't know what I

was talking about and she would laugh at me and...you get the picture.

So to someone on the outside...it's just a haircut, but to me it's

one more of a million things I was continually criticized for!

Now, who knows about your mom and grandmom? Only they do. I know in

my own case, that there was nobody else there to witness many of the

hateful words, hateful looks, etc. except for her and I.

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " rainbowisteria "

wrote:

>

> This comment really resonated with me. I don't know what happened to

my mother, and it

> is a real struggle to see our family through my own eyes. According

to her, she was

> physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by various members of

the family, from HER

> mother, to her grandfather, her brother...it is all very confusing.

I have always resented her

> constant harping on the abuse. It is a perpetual victimization

thing, and my stomach turns

> at the constant call for emotional support, particularly when she

reminds me how " lucky " I

> am that I grew up in a healthy home.

>

> What throws me off is her reference to present day abuse. It could

literally be the " abuse "

> of my grandmothers saying she does not like mom's haircut. This

sends my mom into a

> frenzy. And I've been aware since my own childhood of my mother's

cruelty to my

> grandmother. Mom's 64, Nanny is 97, and my mom will berate her

mother until she cries!

> I've always tried to protect my grandmother, but it is hard for me

to really " get " their

> relationship. I see that my Nanny is not particularly kind, but

she's always been good to

> me, and she's NOTHING like my mom in terms of raging. If anything,

when I see her

> cowering, crying and apologizing to my mom, I think the abuse is

quite clearly in the other

> direction.

>

> This has made my adult relationships with family members very

difficult. My mom will say

> stuff like " if you only heard what Nanny said about you behind your

back " in order to keep

> me from getting close. And when I start developing a good rapport

with my uncle and

> cousins, she immediately starts telling me that he is cruel and

abusive and selfish.

>

> Do you think my uncle and grandmother see that there is a problem?

Sometimes I think

> they believe that I'm just like my mother. I work really hard to

prove that I'm different. All I

> know is, my uncle moved 3000 miles away from my mom and grandma, and

he's told me

> that was on purpose, so I think he must recognize something's amiss.

>

> I don't know if there was abuse or not. Trusting family is so hard.

My mother has taught

> me not to. Does anyone else have this kind of confusion? I find it

overwhelming.

>

> Love,

> RbW

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD?

> > >

> > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my

folks

> > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> > >

> > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

verbal &

> > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used

to just

> > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize.

> > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> > > apology...surprise surprise!

> > >

> > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so

> > > the cycle will finally end.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, and I also wanted to say that you don't have to know the truth.

Which is good, because you will never know for sure what happened

between them. For me, as much as I hate (yes, I said hate) my own

mother, I don't wish to turn anyone against her or convince the world

that she's horrible. I just want her to leave me alone. So if other

people want to spend time with her, that is their business. And you

shouldn't have to " take your mother's side " or not take it. It's her

battle. Of course, A BPD would never allow someone to not hate who

she hates, so that makes things a bit more difficult, doesn't it?

> > >

> > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD?

> > >

> > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad

> > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only

> > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my

folks

> > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas.

> > >

> > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the

verbal &

> > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used

to just

> > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to

> > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded

> > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major

> > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize.

> > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no

> > > apology...surprise surprise!

> > >

> > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC.

> > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so

> > > the cycle will finally end.

> > >

> >

>