Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him. That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him. That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD), undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was back to her same ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD), undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was back to her same ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Oh that stinks! To see a glimmer of hope and then have it dashed is worse than seeing no glimmer at all! > > Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD), > undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with > nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed > out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a > glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was > back to her same ways. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Oh that stinks! To see a glimmer of hope and then have it dashed is worse than seeing no glimmer at all! > > Yes, my maternal grandparents are BPD (or some other PD if not BPD), > undiagnosed, of course. One time I thought I had a breakthrough with > nada following a rage by grandnada at a holiday function. I pointed > out to her that it was the same dynamic between us. I thought I saw a > glimmer of realization, and we both cried and hugged. But then she was > back to her same ways. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 I may get flamed for this but BPDS having been suposedly abused as kids doesnt fly with me. They lie about everything and see " abuse " in everything. Don't beleive everything they say about ther own parents. They lie about you what makes you think they wont lie about thier own parents? We all were born with a brain and sooner or later we all make the choice to take responsibility for our own actions. BPDs react and behave the way they do on the basis of thier *percieved* abandonment. An early child trauma may have something to do with it, creating the " abandonment issue " . Abuse might have been involved. But whos to prove that? Never forget just who it is making these claims of abuse. They will do the same to you they have done it before. You cant trust anything they say. Nan little > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > apology...surprise surprise! > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > the cycle will finally end. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 I may get flamed for this but BPDS having been suposedly abused as kids doesnt fly with me. They lie about everything and see " abuse " in everything. Don't beleive everything they say about ther own parents. They lie about you what makes you think they wont lie about thier own parents? We all were born with a brain and sooner or later we all make the choice to take responsibility for our own actions. BPDs react and behave the way they do on the basis of thier *percieved* abandonment. An early child trauma may have something to do with it, creating the " abandonment issue " . Abuse might have been involved. But whos to prove that? Never forget just who it is making these claims of abuse. They will do the same to you they have done it before. You cant trust anything they say. Nan little > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > apology...surprise surprise! > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > the cycle will finally end. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. My grandmother was a very good grandmother to me, but I'm starting to suspect that my mother may have been her " all-bad " child, at least when she was younger. She never had a rage that I can remember, but she would make condescending comments sometimes. I remember her telling people how funny it was that the two of her children who were the most educated made the least money. Also, my mother complained a lot about how much attention she always wanted. The biggest tipoff for me was the family relationships though, two of her sons had very limited contact with her for most of their adult lives, while her daughters didn't seem to really separate - my nada spoke to her on the phone several times a week. When I started therapy I used to try to trace this even further back, because I know my grandmother's father was an alcoholic...but there's only so much you can do. Sara > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone — & no > apology...surprise surprise! > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > the cycle will finally end. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 I worked with a woman who seemed very nice but her out of state grown son won't speak to her and she brought that up ALL the time. People would say to her " I can't imagine how your son could not like you. You are so great! " (This perked my own ears up!) Then I heard her say something about slapping her son's face when he was in his early 20's over something he said that she did not like and I think that must have driven him over the edge. Can you imagine slapping a grown man??? How demeaning! I tend to believe that whenever a child goes LC or NC, they have a very good reason. As for lacking attention, my mother was the youngest of 5 and they were very poor (making their own clothes, raising chickens, tin roof, tiny house), so she probably learned early on that her mother didn't have time for her emotional needs. Maybe that contributed. > > This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. My > grandmother was a very good grandmother to me, but I'm starting to > suspect that my mother may have been her " all-bad " child, at least > when she was younger. She never had a rage that I can remember, but > she would make condescending comments sometimes. I remember her > telling people how funny it was that the two of her children who > were the most educated made the least money. Also, my mother > complained a lot about how much attention she always wanted. The > biggest tipoff for me was the family relationships though, two of > her sons had very limited contact with her for most of their adult > lives, while her daughters didn't seem to really separate - my nada > spoke to her on the phone several times a week. > > When I started therapy I used to try to trace this even further > back, because I know my grandmother's father was an alcoholic...but > there's only so much you can do. > > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Multigenerational? Yes. My fada's paternal grandmother was said to be " crazy " . My fada says his dad was " mean " to him, though I never saw any evidence of this and he was always just a sweet grandpa to me. My fada seemed to have a very close relationship with his mother who is passed now. My fada definately has some type of personality disorder (undiagnosed), cluster B for sure. I have recently gone on NC with fada until he sees a shrink. I see the signs in one of my own four children. He was never abused or abandoned, in fact, quite the opposite. He was breast fed and never left my side for the first 3 years of his life, but even as an infant, he would cry if I put him down for a second to have his photo made (I would be standing right there near him). Several of his infant photos show him crying in misery because I was not holding him...lol. He never really bonded with his father though. His father was always more interested in our older son. Once when this younger son was 3 years old, I found him in the bathroom running a razor over his lips. His lips were bleeding and I just picked him up and told him " no no no, we don't do that " and put a cold cloth on him and some ointment. I'll never know if he was just trying to be a man and shave like his dad or if he was actually self-cutting even at that early age. It has never happened again as far as I know. As a young child, anytime I would need to leave to go to the store or run an errand, this younger son would come running out of the house screaming and chasing me down the street...lol. I would always stop and reassure him that I would be right back or even let him come along. He has now moved out from my house and lives with his older brother who's wife died last year, but he still comes home several times a week to get his mom fix. He still wants me to cook for him...which I happily do. When he is upset by life, he calls me and rants and I have the ability to calm him down. He has trouble regulating his emotions and he gets into some black moods. I keep an eye on him and eventually, if I see that he is becoming unable to recover from his episodes, or that he is inflicting pain on others, I will see to it that he gets on some good meds. I hate to think of his reaction and ability to cope when I pass on. I believe that this is a biological brain disorder in my family. My sister also has issues with personality disorders, even though she had and still has a very close and loving relationship with our mother. All of the people who have this problem in my family also have problems with reading. They have difficulty decoding letters and with comprehension. I know that in my own family, my fada's severe episodes, constant belittling, and badgering could have caused a lot of my sister's problems or at least made them worse. I have been able to overcome most of my own childhood trauma, but I have a strong brain. I was always an excellent reader, I have a grad level education, and I have always sought therapy when needed for my own peace of mind. Does anyone else notice that their family members with personality disorders also have reading difficulties? > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone — & no > apology...surprise surprise! > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > the cycle will finally end. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 I've wondered if abuse can alter brain function. My grandmother married an extremely alcoholic and abusive man who would come home and stalk my mothers mother trying to kill her. Very traumatic on the children who now all have extreme BPD behaviors. > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with > BPD? > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my > folks > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the > verbal & > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to > just > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would > apologize. > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone � & no > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids > so > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? > Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her family. I have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it, so I always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents (?)..Her mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings that do say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before I was born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he was very quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas eight siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that were MEAN, just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors... Jackie My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him. That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 How weird I was just thinking about this very subject. My mother's mother died when I was four and the family rarely mentioned her. In the past few years I've started hearing stories from mom and her siblings about granny's crazy behavior and found out she actually was institutionalized twice and died young from complications of alcoholism/liver failure (not the 'heart attack' that had been the previous story). I appreciate they were trying to protect me as a child and hearing the stories was a little scary. Now that it's years later I finally understand why such a wonderful person, mom, would marry such a jerk like my fada. What's really scary is thinking I have BPD on both sides of my family tree. Barb > > same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her family. I > have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it, so I > always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents (?)..Her > mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings that do > say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before I was > born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he was very > quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas eight > siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that were MEAN, > just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors... > > Jackie > > > My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years > ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's > wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him. > That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the > complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said > anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 How weird I was just thinking about this very subject. My mother's mother died when I was four and the family rarely mentioned her. In the past few years I've started hearing stories from mom and her siblings about granny's crazy behavior and found out she actually was institutionalized twice and died young from complications of alcoholism/liver failure (not the 'heart attack' that had been the previous story). I appreciate they were trying to protect me as a child and hearing the stories was a little scary. Now that it's years later I finally understand why such a wonderful person, mom, would marry such a jerk like my fada. What's really scary is thinking I have BPD on both sides of my family tree. Barb > > same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her family. I > have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it, so I > always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents (?)..Her > mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings that do > say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before I was > born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he was very > quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas eight > siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that were MEAN, > just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors... > > Jackie > > > My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years > ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's > wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised him. > That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the > complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said > anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 I can relate to that. My non-nadagrannie on my dad's side, was very loving...a truly wonderful person—-yet long before I knew her, she had had a midlife meltdown & was given electric shock therapy...so much for normal! There are nuts galore in my family, but some of those nuts were sweet and some were bitter poison. > > > > same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her > family. I > > have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it, > so I > > always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents > (?)..Her > > mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings > that do > > say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before > I was > > born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he > was very > > quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas > eight > > siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that > were MEAN, > > just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors... > > > > Jackie > > > > > > My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years > > ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's > > wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised > him. > > That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the > > complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said > > anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 I can relate to that. My non-nadagrannie on my dad's side, was very loving...a truly wonderful person—-yet long before I knew her, she had had a midlife meltdown & was given electric shock therapy...so much for normal! There are nuts galore in my family, but some of those nuts were sweet and some were bitter poison. > > > > same here...my nada is SUCH a queen, she never talks about her > family. I > > have asked her about her childhood and she freely talks about it, > so I > > always figured she felt guilty for the way she treated her parents > (?)..Her > > mother died when I was 2, so I don't remember her, but my siblings > that do > > say grandma was a very sweet, nice lady...nadas father died before > I was > > born, but I get the same response from my older siblings...that he > was very > > quiet, very easy going and very nice. I knew all but one of nadas > eight > > siblings, and they were all non BPD...she had two sisters that > were MEAN, > > just like nada is mean also, but NO BPD behaviors... > > > > Jackie > > > > > > My momster's mother always seemed very nice to me; she passed years > > ago. My mother was complaining a few years ago that her brother's > > wife called my mom's mother and yelled at her for how she raised > him. > > That made my mother very angry but when i asked her what the > > complaint was she wouldn't answer. So my mother has never said > > anything bad about how she was raised, so I really don't know. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Great question. A few years back, on a family trip, my great uncle was in conversation with someone describe how I thought was my nada. It turned out he was talking about my grandmother. He was describing a very similar personality. The grandmother I knew didn't seem like a BPD, but maybe I didn't see it. My grandafada (maternal) was definitely ill. He use to like to sit in a rocking chair on the front porch with a shot gun across his lap. He didn't live in the country. He also " hunted " by BPD sister with his gun when she was 3 and staying with my grandparents. My grandmother played a long. I'm also strongly suspecting that my paternal grandnada is some flavor of BPD or NPD. It would make sense why nada never got a long with her (she is a tough person to get along with) and why my fada became a NPD. I am neither BPD or NPD and I am very consciously choosing my parenting skills so I neither cling to bad ways or run away from bad traits and cause different ones to occur. Very middle of the road coaching interdependence parenting. cheers, a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Great question. A few years back, on a family trip, my great uncle was in conversation with someone describe how I thought was my nada. It turned out he was talking about my grandmother. He was describing a very similar personality. The grandmother I knew didn't seem like a BPD, but maybe I didn't see it. My grandafada (maternal) was definitely ill. He use to like to sit in a rocking chair on the front porch with a shot gun across his lap. He didn't live in the country. He also " hunted " by BPD sister with his gun when she was 3 and staying with my grandparents. My grandmother played a long. I'm also strongly suspecting that my paternal grandnada is some flavor of BPD or NPD. It would make sense why nada never got a long with her (she is a tough person to get along with) and why my fada became a NPD. I am neither BPD or NPD and I am very consciously choosing my parenting skills so I neither cling to bad ways or run away from bad traits and cause different ones to occur. Very middle of the road coaching interdependence parenting. cheers, a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 My take on it is that there very likely was abuse in my nada's childhood - I'll never know whether it was emotional, sexual, or physical. Otherwise I don't think that she woudl have such a severe pathology. However, she has never said anything of the sort about her parents, and pretends she ahd a perfect childhood and gave us a perfect childhood and so on. So I am not struggling with exactly the same issues. What I feel angry with my mother for is not changing. I know that she has had so many opportunities - every time she demands anti-depressants from the doctor, once when my brother's therapst said he wanted to see her, apparently whiel she was in college, when she suffered post- natal depression...even now. Sometimes I fall for feeling sorry for her when she is in waif mode, and my husband tells me taht it is like feeling sorry for a sick person who refuses to go to the hospital but wants you to feel very badly because they're sick. I try to hold onto that thought when I feel myself caving. Sara > > > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 My take on it is that there very likely was abuse in my nada's childhood - I'll never know whether it was emotional, sexual, or physical. Otherwise I don't think that she woudl have such a severe pathology. However, she has never said anything of the sort about her parents, and pretends she ahd a perfect childhood and gave us a perfect childhood and so on. So I am not struggling with exactly the same issues. What I feel angry with my mother for is not changing. I know that she has had so many opportunities - every time she demands anti-depressants from the doctor, once when my brother's therapst said he wanted to see her, apparently whiel she was in college, when she suffered post- natal depression...even now. Sometimes I fall for feeling sorry for her when she is in waif mode, and my husband tells me taht it is like feeling sorry for a sick person who refuses to go to the hospital but wants you to feel very badly because they're sick. I try to hold onto that thought when I feel myself caving. Sara > > > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 The way i look at it abuse may be prevalent in BPD's childhood, it could excacerbate the BPD condition. But it exists as coincidence and not necessarily the cause of BPD. BPD's core " abandonment " issue is mostly perception on thier part wheather or not it was real. At one time in *one event* they may have been traumatized sexually, physically or emotionally at a very young impressionable age. Before any logic or resoning could develop. Thier brains were wired around that trauma and they relive it over and over in every situation without knowing why. It is true that an abusive family situation is more likely to have put the child through that specific trauma, or allowed him/her to be exposed to a bad situation. In my nadas family her own mother had just left a very very sick situation with her abusive husband - nada's real father. I cant even say what was transpiring it was that bad. This all happened when Nada was three. I can see something terrible happening to Nada right about then. Grandma remarried not long after to a decent comitted fellow and never allowed anyone in the family to speak her first husbands name ever. Nada criticizes her to this day for that but the rest of us know its becasue of the horrid things ____ did to grandma. Who knows probably something really unspeakable was done to Nada and she had no choice but to get her and the children out. Fast forward about fifty or sixty years. Nada complains this and that about her sisters and mother etc.. None of the suposed abuse really happend the way nada says it. It's allways twisted around and she never ever considers emotions or needs of the others. In fact Nada and her sister were mostly raised by aunts and uncles who were known for thier kindness and loyalty to one another. They had lots of chances to be raised " right " and didnt spend a whole lot of time exclusively with the parents. BTW her parents have allways known something was not " right " with nada. In fact it was nadas own mother, my grandma who remains to this day the ONLY person in her FOO who would acknowlege and respect why i cut off all contact with nada. She could not quite accept it but oh she knew exactly why. I bet nada made her own mothers life a living hell. What i just dont understand about nada and BPD is why can't they decide for themselves? " Hey what I am doing is not working " . And take steps to get help and change thier behavior. Are they that wrapped up in thier own imediate needs and wants and feelings? They cant think ahead of themselves and decide if A) I do this then B)this will happen instead of screaming about the same thing over and over and getting the same negative results. Alienating everyone close to them whom they need so much. Dang must be a living hell to have any logical thought overidden by such destructive emotions. But you know what? Its thier choice and it allways has been. > > > > > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with > BPD? > > > > > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a > bad > > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the > only > > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, > my folks > > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the > verbal & > > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used > to just > > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve > to > > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would > apologize. > > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > > > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no > kids so > > > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Okay, this post really reminded me of the time I stayed with a boyfriend's family for a week when I was 18. His grandmother came over from Italy, and her husband died after she had a couple kids, but when he was still quite young. I stayed at his mom's house and his grandma was living there. Now, his mom was so mean to his grandmother, yelling at her all the time for being in the way and such. One evening, grandma cried in front of me on the sofa and begged for god to take her. So I'm of course thinking, this poor 85 year old woman is being very poorly treated...what is mom's problem? So I start to talk with my boyfriend about it and he says that his grandmother never worked, and she lived on SSI after the husband died and his mom had to start working at a very young age and grandma would take her checks from her and cash them, and buy stuff for herself with them. Also, grandma NEVER EVER EVER EVER lived without her daughter in the same house. Mom felt some obligation to keep grandma with her, even after she married. And grandma never bothered to date again, even though she was plenty young enough, and instead wrapped her whole life around this daughter who felt obligated to care for her. So I'm guessing there is probably a whole lot more to that story as well. But mom spent her whole life caring for this woman, never getting to be her own person, and now that she was older, she seemed to have the nerve to speak, but never to break away. I'm guessing that all those years of putting herself last and being subjected to...who knows what, made mom pretty crazy, crazy enough to yell at a nice, helpless old lady. And that haircut thing brought back a memory for me also, which was my mother complaining that she didn't like my haircutter, and every time I got a haircut, she would tell me over and over for days that it looked like crap, even as I rolled out of bed. And she'd tell me I was lazy and stupid and my boyfriend was ugly and I didn't know what I was talking about and she would laugh at me and...you get the picture. So to someone on the outside...it's just a haircut, but to me it's one more of a million things I was continually criticized for! Now, who knows about your mom and grandmom? Only they do. I know in my own case, that there was nobody else there to witness many of the hateful words, hateful looks, etc. except for her and I. -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " rainbowisteria " wrote: > > This comment really resonated with me. I don't know what happened to my mother, and it > is a real struggle to see our family through my own eyes. According to her, she was > physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by various members of the family, from HER > mother, to her grandfather, her brother...it is all very confusing. I have always resented her > constant harping on the abuse. It is a perpetual victimization thing, and my stomach turns > at the constant call for emotional support, particularly when she reminds me how " lucky " I > am that I grew up in a healthy home. > > What throws me off is her reference to present day abuse. It could literally be the " abuse " > of my grandmothers saying she does not like mom's haircut. This sends my mom into a > frenzy. And I've been aware since my own childhood of my mother's cruelty to my > grandmother. Mom's 64, Nanny is 97, and my mom will berate her mother until she cries! > I've always tried to protect my grandmother, but it is hard for me to really " get " their > relationship. I see that my Nanny is not particularly kind, but she's always been good to > me, and she's NOTHING like my mom in terms of raging. If anything, when I see her > cowering, crying and apologizing to my mom, I think the abuse is quite clearly in the other > direction. > > This has made my adult relationships with family members very difficult. My mom will say > stuff like " if you only heard what Nanny said about you behind your back " in order to keep > me from getting close. And when I start developing a good rapport with my uncle and > cousins, she immediately starts telling me that he is cruel and abusive and selfish. > > Do you think my uncle and grandmother see that there is a problem? Sometimes I think > they believe that I'm just like my mother. I work really hard to prove that I'm different. All I > know is, my uncle moved 3000 miles away from my mom and grandma, and he's told me > that was on purpose, so I think he must recognize something's amiss. > > I don't know if there was abuse or not. Trusting family is so hard. My mother has taught > me not to. Does anyone else have this kind of confusion? I find it overwhelming. > > Love, > RbW > > > > > > > > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Okay, this post really reminded me of the time I stayed with a boyfriend's family for a week when I was 18. His grandmother came over from Italy, and her husband died after she had a couple kids, but when he was still quite young. I stayed at his mom's house and his grandma was living there. Now, his mom was so mean to his grandmother, yelling at her all the time for being in the way and such. One evening, grandma cried in front of me on the sofa and begged for god to take her. So I'm of course thinking, this poor 85 year old woman is being very poorly treated...what is mom's problem? So I start to talk with my boyfriend about it and he says that his grandmother never worked, and she lived on SSI after the husband died and his mom had to start working at a very young age and grandma would take her checks from her and cash them, and buy stuff for herself with them. Also, grandma NEVER EVER EVER EVER lived without her daughter in the same house. Mom felt some obligation to keep grandma with her, even after she married. And grandma never bothered to date again, even though she was plenty young enough, and instead wrapped her whole life around this daughter who felt obligated to care for her. So I'm guessing there is probably a whole lot more to that story as well. But mom spent her whole life caring for this woman, never getting to be her own person, and now that she was older, she seemed to have the nerve to speak, but never to break away. I'm guessing that all those years of putting herself last and being subjected to...who knows what, made mom pretty crazy, crazy enough to yell at a nice, helpless old lady. And that haircut thing brought back a memory for me also, which was my mother complaining that she didn't like my haircutter, and every time I got a haircut, she would tell me over and over for days that it looked like crap, even as I rolled out of bed. And she'd tell me I was lazy and stupid and my boyfriend was ugly and I didn't know what I was talking about and she would laugh at me and...you get the picture. So to someone on the outside...it's just a haircut, but to me it's one more of a million things I was continually criticized for! Now, who knows about your mom and grandmom? Only they do. I know in my own case, that there was nobody else there to witness many of the hateful words, hateful looks, etc. except for her and I. -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " rainbowisteria " wrote: > > This comment really resonated with me. I don't know what happened to my mother, and it > is a real struggle to see our family through my own eyes. According to her, she was > physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by various members of the family, from HER > mother, to her grandfather, her brother...it is all very confusing. I have always resented her > constant harping on the abuse. It is a perpetual victimization thing, and my stomach turns > at the constant call for emotional support, particularly when she reminds me how " lucky " I > am that I grew up in a healthy home. > > What throws me off is her reference to present day abuse. It could literally be the " abuse " > of my grandmothers saying she does not like mom's haircut. This sends my mom into a > frenzy. And I've been aware since my own childhood of my mother's cruelty to my > grandmother. Mom's 64, Nanny is 97, and my mom will berate her mother until she cries! > I've always tried to protect my grandmother, but it is hard for me to really " get " their > relationship. I see that my Nanny is not particularly kind, but she's always been good to > me, and she's NOTHING like my mom in terms of raging. If anything, when I see her > cowering, crying and apologizing to my mom, I think the abuse is quite clearly in the other > direction. > > This has made my adult relationships with family members very difficult. My mom will say > stuff like " if you only heard what Nanny said about you behind your back " in order to keep > me from getting close. And when I start developing a good rapport with my uncle and > cousins, she immediately starts telling me that he is cruel and abusive and selfish. > > Do you think my uncle and grandmother see that there is a problem? Sometimes I think > they believe that I'm just like my mother. I work really hard to prove that I'm different. All I > know is, my uncle moved 3000 miles away from my mom and grandma, and he's told me > that was on purpose, so I think he must recognize something's amiss. > > I don't know if there was abuse or not. Trusting family is so hard. My mother has taught > me not to. Does anyone else have this kind of confusion? I find it overwhelming. > > Love, > RbW > > > > > > > > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 Oh, and I also wanted to say that you don't have to know the truth. Which is good, because you will never know for sure what happened between them. For me, as much as I hate (yes, I said hate) my own mother, I don't wish to turn anyone against her or convince the world that she's horrible. I just want her to leave me alone. So if other people want to spend time with her, that is their business. And you shouldn't have to " take your mother's side " or not take it. It's her battle. Of course, A BPD would never allow someone to not hate who she hates, so that makes things a bit more difficult, doesn't it? > > > > > > Anyone else out there have multiple generations afflicted with BPD? > > > > > > For instance, I never met my maternal grandnada. My nada had a bad > > > episode with her before I was born and decided that NC was the only > > > solution. That was that. When I used to ask about grandnada, my folks > > > would lie and tell me that she lived overseas. > > > > > > When I reached adulthood, nada would complain to me about the verbal & > > > physical abuse that she'd been subjected to as a child. I used to just > > > sit and listen... act sympathetic, etc. I never had the nerve to > > > confront nada and tell her that all of this behavior sounded > > > disturbingly familiar. I was too fearful of triggering a major > > > meltdown. Nada also kept fantasizing that grandnada would apologize. > > > Well that never happened. Grandnada is dead and gone ? & no > > > apology...surprise surprise! > > > > > > It really shocked me that my nada pushed me to the point of NC. > > > History repeats itself. On and on it goes. Luckily I have no kids so > > > the cycle will finally end. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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