Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Jae - this is an absolutely awful story. I am so sorry that you went through this, and glad that you can have compassion for your 6- year-old self! You were a child, not a psychologist; there was no way to diagnose your mother's disorder or to escape. Sometimes i tear up looking at the way my baby gets this huge smile and reaches out his arms when he sees me, so totally confident that I will be pleased to see him (I always am!!). And i remember all the times that I or my siblings reached out for my nada...and she just wasn't there to hold us or even return the smile, she was just too angry, too self-involved, and would scream at us for bothering her and for having made her life complicated. I also wanted to spend time with my in-laws, and it was far too threatening for my nada. She pretty successfully managed to keep my father from ever spending holidays with his family, and, with a few exceptions, always managed to come up with some paranoid fantasy of my uncles abusing me (way off-base) or saying that i would be too much trouble as a houseguest to explain why I could not go stay with any of my cousins. I resented it, because we were only allowed to spend time with her family when i was growing up - and now that I realize they're all part of her sickness, I feel robbed of the opportunity to have had any sane extended family. But I guess the point is that she had to restrict our contact to those under her control. For example, since my wedding and baby I have not heard a word from any of the family I had to spend all my holidays with growing up (my nada forbade them from speakign to me after this latest betrayal of mine)...my father's family on the other hand have nearly all sent very sweet cards and gifts. Sara Sara > > Little background here: > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we visit. > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is quite > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, my gf > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really clear > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for a > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed in > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because I > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever love > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love me " , " you're > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my chair > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to wipe > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant was > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, and > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make her > bleed! > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, that > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I WAS > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of it. I > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing wrong. > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to see > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > Jae > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Jae - this is an absolutely awful story. I am so sorry that you went through this, and glad that you can have compassion for your 6- year-old self! You were a child, not a psychologist; there was no way to diagnose your mother's disorder or to escape. Sometimes i tear up looking at the way my baby gets this huge smile and reaches out his arms when he sees me, so totally confident that I will be pleased to see him (I always am!!). And i remember all the times that I or my siblings reached out for my nada...and she just wasn't there to hold us or even return the smile, she was just too angry, too self-involved, and would scream at us for bothering her and for having made her life complicated. I also wanted to spend time with my in-laws, and it was far too threatening for my nada. She pretty successfully managed to keep my father from ever spending holidays with his family, and, with a few exceptions, always managed to come up with some paranoid fantasy of my uncles abusing me (way off-base) or saying that i would be too much trouble as a houseguest to explain why I could not go stay with any of my cousins. I resented it, because we were only allowed to spend time with her family when i was growing up - and now that I realize they're all part of her sickness, I feel robbed of the opportunity to have had any sane extended family. But I guess the point is that she had to restrict our contact to those under her control. For example, since my wedding and baby I have not heard a word from any of the family I had to spend all my holidays with growing up (my nada forbade them from speakign to me after this latest betrayal of mine)...my father's family on the other hand have nearly all sent very sweet cards and gifts. Sara Sara > > Little background here: > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we visit. > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is quite > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, my gf > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really clear > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for a > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed in > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because I > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever love > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love me " , " you're > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my chair > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to wipe > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant was > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, and > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make her > bleed! > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, that > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I WAS > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of it. I > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing wrong. > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to see > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > Jae > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Jae, Oh my I would take you as my son anytime. You have gone through so much. I would just like to hold the six year old who was abused by your mother and make the pain go away, You have turned to be a wonderful and caring young man. You are so very special, and you have found found your voice and your are protecting your inner child and adult self. Stay strong and make wonderful new memories and moments with those who love and appreciate you. Blessings, Malinda > > > > Little background here: > > > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we > visit. > > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is > quite > > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, > my gf > > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really > clear > > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for > a > > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed > in > > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because > I > > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever > love > > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love > me " , " you're > > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my > chair > > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to > wipe > > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant > was > > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, > and > > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make > her > > bleed! > > > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, > that > > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I > WAS > > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of > it. I > > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing > wrong. > > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to > see > > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > > > Jae > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Jae, Oh my I would take you as my son anytime. You have gone through so much. I would just like to hold the six year old who was abused by your mother and make the pain go away, You have turned to be a wonderful and caring young man. You are so very special, and you have found found your voice and your are protecting your inner child and adult self. Stay strong and make wonderful new memories and moments with those who love and appreciate you. Blessings, Malinda > > > > Little background here: > > > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we > visit. > > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is > quite > > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, > my gf > > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really > clear > > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for > a > > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed > in > > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because > I > > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever > love > > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love > me " , " you're > > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my > chair > > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to > wipe > > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant > was > > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, > and > > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make > her > > bleed! > > > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, > that > > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I > WAS > > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of > it. I > > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing > wrong. > > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to > see > > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > > > Jae > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Malinda, Thank you for your kind words. I am actually a girl though. I know my name's boyish and I have a gf so it's kind of confusing, but I'm a woman. (no offense though! ) Jae maparise17 wrote: Jae, Oh my I would take you as my son anytime. You have gone through so much. I would just like to hold the six year old who was abused by your mother and make the pain go away, You have turned to be a wonderful and caring young man. You are so very special, and you have found found your voice and your are protecting your inner child and adult self. Stay strong and make wonderful new memories and moments with those who love and appreciate you. Blessings, Malinda > > > > Little background here: > > > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we > visit. > > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is > quite > > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, > my gf > > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really > clear > > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for > a > > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed > in > > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because > I > > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever > love > > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love > me " , " you're > > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my > chair > > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to > wipe > > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant > was > > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, > and > > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make > her > > bleed! > > > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, > that > > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I > WAS > > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of > it. I > > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing > wrong. > > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to > see > > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > > > Jae > > > --------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Malinda, Thank you for your kind words. I am actually a girl though. I know my name's boyish and I have a gf so it's kind of confusing, but I'm a woman. (no offense though! ) Jae maparise17 wrote: Jae, Oh my I would take you as my son anytime. You have gone through so much. I would just like to hold the six year old who was abused by your mother and make the pain go away, You have turned to be a wonderful and caring young man. You are so very special, and you have found found your voice and your are protecting your inner child and adult self. Stay strong and make wonderful new memories and moments with those who love and appreciate you. Blessings, Malinda > > > > Little background here: > > > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we > visit. > > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is > quite > > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, > my gf > > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really > clear > > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for > a > > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed > in > > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because > I > > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever > love > > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love > me " , " you're > > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my > chair > > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to > wipe > > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant > was > > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, > and > > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make > her > > bleed! > > > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, > that > > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I > WAS > > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of > it. I > > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing > wrong. > > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to > see > > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > > > Jae > > > --------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 29, 2007 Report Share Posted April 29, 2007 Malinda, Thank you for your kind words. I am actually a girl though. I know my name's boyish and I have a gf so it's kind of confusing, but I'm a woman. (no offense though! ) Jae maparise17 wrote: Jae, Oh my I would take you as my son anytime. You have gone through so much. I would just like to hold the six year old who was abused by your mother and make the pain go away, You have turned to be a wonderful and caring young man. You are so very special, and you have found found your voice and your are protecting your inner child and adult self. Stay strong and make wonderful new memories and moments with those who love and appreciate you. Blessings, Malinda > > > > Little background here: > > > > My gf and I visit her parents a lot. They're divorced and both live > > alone now that her brother is in college, so they get lonely and we > > try to see them each as often as we can. Her mom is in AA, has made > > some close friends in her group and often has one or two particular > > friends over on the weekends. So, they're at her house when we > visit. > > One of these women has a 6 year old daughter named Sophie who is > quite > > possibly the most adorable child I have ever seen. She's sweet, > > clever, active, eloquent and just plain fun. So, if she's there, > my gf > > and I spend a lot of time playing with her. > > > > We saw her yesterday and it really hit me just how small she is and > > how little she actually understands the world. I have one really > clear > > memory from when I was six. We were eating out at Souper Salads > > (remember those lol?). My father wanted to take us out of town for > a > > week to see some of his family. Nada was against it, but I chimed > in > > to say that " Daddy loves us and he can take good care of us for a > > week " . I meant to make her more comfortable with the idea, because > I > > really wanted to see my grandparents. In typical nada fashion, she > > lost it. She yelled things like " I'm the only one that will ever > love > > you " , " how can you betray me like this " , " you don't love > me " , " you're > > so ungrateful " and the like. At one point she pulled me from my > chair > > to hit me several times. I don't know if it was from that series of > > hits, but I also remember my father taking me to the bathroom to > wipe > > blood from my lips and nose. Of course, everyone in the restaurant > was > > staring, but I don't remember anyone stepping up to help or calling > > the cops or CPS. Now, I look at little Sophie, same age as I was, > and > > I can't possibly imagine someone hitting her hard enough to make > her > > bleed! > > > > I always think I should have known something was wrong with nada, > that > > I shouldn't have let her get to me, that I should be strong enough > > that someone's mental illness can't hurt me. But, that little girl > > couldn't possibly deal with a situation like that and back then I > WAS > > that little girl. It makes me tear up a little now to think of > it. I > > must have been so frightened. Nada claims she never did a thing > wrong. > > But there I was, a hurt, bleeding six-year-old who just wanted to > see > > her grandparents. I may not be able to be angry with her for what > > she's done over the years, but right this second, with the image of > > little Sophie being hurt like that, I hate her. > > > > Jae > > > --------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell? Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 1, 2007 Report Share Posted May 1, 2007 Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience with us. I totally agree with you - in order to heal, we must first accept the reality of our past. Sylvia .......> Years ago I met a therapist, who drew two lines on the ground, with me at > the axis pt. The line on the left was my past, where I stood my present, and > the right the future. The line on the past was fuzzy, in my mind, with big > dark gaps, but every memory I had where I was alone, frightened, I was to > walk to that spot, and give me as a child what I so sorely needed at that > time. A hug, protection, love. At the end of the line to the right, I was to > imagine a big screen, on which I could imagine what it was I wanted to > be/see. I saw myself painting, big art works, lot's of light. This man > laughed out loud, and said, don't be surprised if it happens. It did!! What > I noticed about the line in the past, is those events I went to were not so > hurtful anymore. We can certainly heal, though I realise it is in the > acknowledging and seeing the past for what it really is, as hurtful and > shocking as it may be. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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